Celine Hesychia

It's still hard for me to believe that this day is really happening. It feels like a dream that I never awoke from, an impossibility flying so in face of everything I know that I'm left reeling in confusion. My mind spins, and I feel as though a single misstep could send me plummeting back into the irrelevancy I'm so accustomed to. Why now? What changed? Am I suddenly loved? Regardless, it's a pleasant sort of confusion, one that shakes the very foundations of apathy and despair which I've wallowed in for so long. For the first time in recent memory, I feel like I matter more than the ornaments on the walls.

Unfortunately, I lack the vocality needed to inquire about my suddenly changing circumstances, but it's fine. I'm used to placid compliance. Trying to ask questions gets me locked in my room for 'embarrassing our entire family in front of everyone' while being quiet... Well, being quiet usually gets much of the same, but at least there's less screaming and hitting involved. I don't even blame my parents. It's only natural that they wouldn't want to listen to my monstrous gurgles. It disgusts me too. It's only moral that I self-censor and obey.

But today! Today quiet obedience got me so much more! It's true! It's really true! The day has barely begun, and already, it feels wonderful. Magical, even! I had maids come into my room this morning - not to reprimand me or tell me to tidy up, but to personally visit me! I got to try on all kinds of fancy dresses like the ones my sisters wear, and the maids spent hours brushing and styling my hair. I was even allowed to try on jewelry and makeup, two things I've been told repeatedly to 'keep my disgusting pig-fingers away from.'

And now I look so pretty! I want to run through the manor and show everyone! I want to show the butlers, the maids, my brothers and sisters, Mom, Dad, everyone! Maybe then they'll finally-

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

"Ye almos finus'd?" a rough voice calls through my room door. "Hurry up! Me 'n Watkin er waitin' fer ya."

The voice undoubtedly belongs to Dobb, a short hairy man with yellowed teeth who reeks of liquor at every hour of the day. He and his partner Watkin - a tall, gaunt man whose smell is somehow even more offensive than the former - have been assigned to me as manservants. Admittedly, they don't act like servants and they don't treat me with even a modicum of respect, but at least they pay attention to me at all. My parents must have given me a rougher stock so I don't get a big head, a wise decision I dare not doubt.

I don't answer Dobb, but not out of spite, of course. Rather, it's prudence that stays my tongue. I've been told that the noises I can make - the clicking, the grunts, and the guttural rumbles - are abominable, grotesque, and above all else very unladylike. Instead of debasing myself with a reply, I softly approach the door and open it, smiling silently at the two men. Dobb rolls his eyes. Watkin clears his throat and spits something on the floor. It does nothing to ruin my good mood.

"We outta getchu to the, uh... ball, pretty lass." Dobb coos in a tone that's uncharacteristically sweet for him, offering me his grimy hand. "Yer, uhh... Yer folks is waitin' fer ya... Yeah..."

A ball?! A real ball?! I've never been to one of those before! I can imagine it now... the glided hall sparkling, the candlelight flickering against jeweled gowns, the music swaying as dancers flow smoothly with and against each other. For once, I won’t just be hearing a sibling brag about it. I’ll be there. I'll be part of it. I'm so happy I almost squeal. Almost. I try to stop myself midway, but it still sneaks out as a barely-audible whine. Too loud! My eyes widen fearfully, and my hands shoot up to cover my mouth. Watkin snickers. Dobb doesn't even flinch. His hand stays outstretched while his foot drums impatiently. Not wanting to be an encumbrance, I am quick to correct myself and take it.

The path we use out of the manor is one of those seldom-traveled side routes made more for cooks to stay out of the way of guests than for convenience or fleetness of travel. Not a single soul is seen on the way. I'm slightly disappointed that I don't get to show anyone how beautiful I am like this, but they're probably all at the ball anyway. I'll get to show them how I look in nice clothes then.

Outside there's a carriage already waiting for us. Gloriously so, I'd say. I've never been in a carriage before. Dobb starts to herd me into the back at once, but a neck craned catches me a glimpse of Watkin kicking the horses harder than I'd imagine he needs to. He's smiling wider than I think I've ever seen him before, but I barely have time to reflect on it before I'm marveling at the plushness of the inner cabin's seats. My mind is looping back in on itself at this point, but I can still scarcely believe any of this is real.

We're off without much ado, Watkin at the helm while Dobb sits in the back with me. The scent of booze is unpleasant in the close quarters, doubly so due to the unfortunate lack of windows in the wagon. A shame. I had hoped to see the streets up close. Still, I find some solace in watching what Dobb is doing. The quill in his hand dips and dances masterfully, mesmerizing me in its broad strokes and tight corners across a piece of old parchment. Writing. I have no idea what it says, having never been taught to read or write myself, but I have enough intuition to know that's what the scribbles mean. Judging by Dobb's loud guffaws as he adds the second line, it must be something funny. I wish I could ask him what it means, but I find it far more comfortable to just quietly smile along.

As the carriage continues on, interesting sounds swell around us. Voices abound, fast-talking, loud ones that contrast themselves against agitated murmurs. It sounds like the beginning of a celebration. I press my ear to the wooden paneling to see if I can hear music, but Dobb roughly yanks me away. I let it happen.

When we finally stop, I expect the doors to open to the grandeur I've only heard about in secondhand accounts. Gold-lit halls, silk-draped walls, the refined scent of roses and wine, it's all... absent? My first dainty step onto the ground beneath me is met with packed dirt, and the air which should be rich with incense is instead thick with dust and sweat. Merchants hawk wares from wooden stalls, but my gaze locks onto something else entirely - a podium crowded with bounded figures, mostly women. Some sit in dull silence, others whisper and flinch at passing figures. A few stare back at me with a hollow recognition. They know not who I am, but why I’m here. Watkin starts to drag me, snapping the high heel of my left shoe.

“Right, gents, lissen up! Got somethin’ special today!” Dobb bellows over the marketplace as I'm led onto the podium. “Young, noble-bred, an’ barely touched 'cept fer disciplinin'! Dumb as a sack o’ bricks, but ain’t that a plus? Best of all? Wench'll ne'er talk back to ya! Bidding starts at twenty silver pieces!”

Laughter rises from the crowd as Dobb unfurls his parchment and sticks a to the placard. I still don't know what it says, but I've stopped smiling. There was never any ball. What I mistook for begrudging love and acceptance from my parents was them finally fathoming a way to dispose of me for good. Without will to restrain myself, I start to cry, tears smearing the make-up I was so excited to try on. A wet, strangled gurgle accidently escapes me. It's a horrible sound, the same sort of sound that always disgusted everyone around me. Watkin mercifully shuts me up by delivering a sharp knee to my stomach. His spidery fingers thread through my hair to yank me to my feet, and I can smell rot on his breath as he leans in close.

"Keep your mouth shut, whore. We're doing you a favor, lessen you'd rather be gutted." he hisses, a cold detachment in his tone that terrifies me. "You're damaged goods. Making that sound is costing me money. And I like money."

Old instincts still my whimpering, as I regress inwards, mental adopting the fetal position. Watkin is right. My parents are right. I'm damaged goods, and right now, I'm not being very noble about it. I guess... I guess for a second there I let myself get a big head after all. I won't... I can't make that mistake again. I can't make that noise again... It's better for everyone if I just play along quietly in both sound and spirit.