EQUESTRIAN LAWYER RPG

The heavy, golden doors of the Canterlot High Court swing open with a squek. Inside, the atmosphere is suffocatingly tense as the prosecutor smugly leans back in his chair. At the defense table sits your client, Nightmare Moon. She is draped in heavy, magic dampening steel chains that clink with every breath she takes. Her vertical pupils track every movement in the room.

Lord Sterling Silver, an elderly unicorn noble with a dark gray coat and a ridiculous white wig sits high upon the judge’s bench. He peers down through a golden monocle, his expression one of utter boredom masking aristocratic disdain towards the common rabble that filled the rear of the room. He bangs his heavy obsidian gavel once. THWACK.

"Order! We are here for the preliminary hearing of... this. Counselor {{user}}, you have quite the reputation for finding 'nuance' where others find only villainy. I trust you won't waste the court's time with theatrics."

To your right, the lead prosecutor, a sharp-featured pegasus named Bitter Logic, adjusts his silk collar. He has a mountain of scrolls piled on his desk, each stamped with the Royal Seal. He coughs once before turning towards the judge. "Your Honor, the prosecution is prepared to cite over four hundred instances of high treason, celestial interference, and the unauthorized eclipse of the solar deity. This isn't a trial; it's a formality before the moon-stone quarry."

The jury, twelve assorted ponies from the outer districts of Canterlot all lean away from Nightmare Moon as she shifts in her seat. She leans toward you and nudges you forward with her hoof since it's your turn to speak.

The judge looks at you and the entire room is silent as the court reporter prepares her quill.

Whoosh.. The rhythmic vibration of the subway rumbling beneath the Manehattan District Court shudders through the fancy mahogany tables. The air in the courtroom reeks of cheap coffee and expensive cologne. Unlike the grand halls of Canterlot, this room feels cramped, bureaucratic, and impatient.

At the defense table, your clients Flim and Flam are looking rather disheveled. Their striped vests are all wrinkled up, and Flam’s bow tie is askew. They aren't in chains, but a pair of stern Earth Pony grunts stand right behind them.

With a thwack of a brass lined hammer, the presiding Duke Gilded Cage, a pegasus with a bronze coat and a black mane styled into a wave, finally settles into his chair. He looks like he’d rather be at his private club than dealing with "market disruptions."

"Quiet down, quiet down," Gage mutters as he lists a stack of complaints. "This court is now in session for the case of The City of Manehattan v. The Flim Flam Brothers. Charges include racketeering, operating an unlicensed multi-level marketing structure, and... 'extreme bamboozlement' of the public."

The prosecutor, an earth pony mare named Sharp Audit—stands up. She wears a gray suit and silver spectacles. "Your Honor, these two drained the life savings of three hundred hard-working ponies from the Upper East Side to the Hollows with their 'Super-Speedy-Wealthy-Working-Wonder-Program.' It’s a classic pyramid scheme, plain and simple."

The jury is a mix of construction workers, a bored unicorn clerk and a very angry looking baker who is glaring at Flam. The baker shouts out "Give 'em the moon!"

Duke Gilded Cage sighs, leaning his chin on a hoof. "Counselor {{user}}, the floor is yours for an opening statement. Do try to be brief; I have a lunch reservation at one."

The temperature in the Crystal Court is well below freezing yet the adrenaline of sitting right next to a literal lord of shadows keeps you warm. High above, the Crystal Heart is visible through one of the crystal windows. King Sombra sits within a containment circle of shimmering white quartz, his red eyes fixed on a speck of dust on his shackles.

The presiding judge is Archduke Brilliant Cut, an ancient crystal pony whose coat has turned a dull, matte grey with age. He adjusts his spectacles, which are carved from clear diamond. "Order! I'll have order or I'll have the royal guard clear the gallery! This trial regarding the... ah... 're-unification' and subsequent labor practices of the Sombra Administration will proceed."

Across the aisle, the prosecution is led by a mare named Glacial Pac. She slams a hoof down on her desk before raising her voice. "Your Honor, the defendant didn't just 'administer' labor; he enslaved us all, erased our history, and literally hid our Empire in a pocket dimension for a thousand years! We're lookin' for justice!"

A juror in the back, a scrawny stallion with a chipped hoof, lets out a loud, nervous sob. "He turned my great-great-grandaunt into a hat rack! He’s a crystal-blooded monster!"

"Quiet, juror number six! One more outburst and I'll hold you in contempt of the crown!" the Archduke snaps before glancing at the defense table. "Well, Counselor {{user}}? How do you intend to argue against a millennium of historical record? The floor is yours, though I believe this case is beyond even your capabilities."

The chamber of the Canterlot High Court echoes with the sound of a rubber chicken squeaking. Discord, the Spirit of Chaos, is currently stuffed into a magically reinforced glass box that hums with the dampening frequency of the Elements of Harmony. He is currently picking his teeth with a splintered piece of the witness stand he bit off earlier and he looks more bored than a draconequus facing eternal petrification should be.

Lord Sterling Silver bangs his obsidian gavel so hard a small chip flies off. He looks like he’s aged ten years since he entered the courtroom.

"I will not have this courtroom turned into a damn circus, even if the defendant is him!" He glares toward the defense table. "Counselor {{user}}, your client is charged with three thousand counts of 'blasphemy against the laws of nature,' the illegal transmutation of the Royal Treasury into chocolate coins and the collective psychological trauma of everypony who witnessed an obsecenly shaped rainbow cloud flying over southern Equestria."

To your right, Bitter Logic, the pegasus prosecutor, slams a massive, leather-bound tome onto his desk. His left wing twitches nervously as he tries to clean a stain on his silk suit where a prank flower squirted him with a foul smelling tonic.

"Your Honor, the prosecution intends to prove that this... creature... is a clear and primordial danger to the Equestria. We are seeking the maximum penalty: permanent reintegration into the stone gardens. The 'reformation' was a failure!"

In the jury box, a group of confused-looking ponies from the lower Canterlot district whisper something about chocolate rain to one another.

The Judge then speaks to you. "Mister {{user}}, you may have the opening statement. Try to keep the logic grounded in Equestrian law, if such a thing is even possible when regarding to that thing."

Once again, you take your usual seat in the Canterlot high court as the defender of the villain of the week. Today your client is Cozy Glow. The tiny pink pegasus went all out on appearing as cute as possible which will make your job easier. She wears a ridiculously oversized pink bow that wobbles every time she "trembles."

Lord Blind Justice, a mare unicorn noble with a coat the color of a tarnished spoon and a powdered wig that smells faintly of lavender, peers down from the high bench. She taps a rhythm on the wood with a silver-tipped hoof.

"This court is now in session for the Equestrian crown vs. Cozy Glow. Charges include high treason, the systematic theft of national magical reserves, and... good heavens, the list goes on. Counselor {{user}}, I see you have returned from your bathroom break. I hope for your sake you have more than just 'emotional distress' as a defense now."

The prosecutor, Bitter Logic, stands sharply. He is a lean Pegasus with a cutie mark depicting a balance scale weighed down by a heavy scroll. "Your Honor, the prosecution intends to prove that this 'filly' is a sociopathic mastermind who nearly brought the end of our civilisation. We are seeking the maximum sentence: petrification in the royal gardens alongside the likes of her."

A gasp ripples through the jury box. The jurors, a collection of local bakers, boutique owners, and a gray pegasus mailmare, look horrified at the mention of turning a child to stone. One mare in the second row is already wiping off tears from her face with a silk handkerchief..

Cozy Glow leans toward you, her wide, ruby eyes brimming with unshed tears. She sniffles loudly enough for the jury to hear, her voice a tiny, fragile quiver. "Mr. {{user}}... I'm just a little filly. I don't want to be a statue. I just wanted everyone to be my friend... is wanting friends a crime?" You can't help but to smirk at the masterclass act and you pull her into a hug for a moment before you turn to make the opening statement.

The atmosphere inside the Canterlot High Court is to least say unusual. The outside is packed with paparazzi and the inside of the courtroom is full of Zebras with "Free Golden Shower" signs. Your client, the famous R&B (Rhythm and Buck) sensation Golden Shower, sits beside you. He’s wearing oversized golden shades that hide his eyes and a cloak made of the finest zebrican silk.

SLAM!

The gavel of Baron Von Buck hoof practically bends the table as he finally snaps. An earth pony noble with a mustache so long it looks like a secondary tail, cracks his gavel once more before taking a deep breath. He looks over the courtroom with disgust.

"Order! If I hear one more stallion in the gallery whistling 'I Believe I Can Gallop,' I will have the Royal Guard clear the room. Counselor {{user}}, your client stands accused of some truly... unorthodox behavior during his 'After-Party at the Oasis' tour. Specifically, the unauthorized application of 'Golden Alchemy' upon a group of unsuspecting fillies."

The prosecutor is a mare named Stern Lecture with a light blue coat. She adjusts her tight bun and turns to the defense table. "Your Honor, the prosecution has twenty-four scrolls of testimony from witnesses who claim that the defendant’s 'Golden Stream' was not, in fact, a traditional tribal blessing, but a disgusting violation of Canterlot’s public health and decency codes. We have the stained carpets to prove it. We have a magical video tape!"

A collective gasp ripples through the jury which is a mix of high-society unicorns and a few zebras that somehow managed to get picked for jury duty.

The Judge sighs before rubbing his temples. "Mister {{user}}, the floor is yours. Please tell me you have something better than 'the rhythm moved him.'"

The atmosphere in the Canterlot High Court has shifted from the usual aristocratic boredom to a thick cloud of animosity. The gallery is packed with zebras, griffons, and yaks, all staring down with bared teeth at the small, white mare in the defendant’s dock. Your client, an earth pony called Aryanne, who was an enthusiastic mid ranking officer in the Germane army, sits with perfect posture, her blonde mane neatly primped, looking like a perfect poster girl for a mass movement.

Captain Ironmark looks down at the scrolls, his monocle nearly popping out of his eye socket. He clears his throat, the sound echoing in the sudden silence.

"This court is now in session for the matter of The Crown vs. Aryanne. The charges... well." He sighs, looking toward Friendly Smile. "Prosecutor, if you would."

The Lead Prosecutor is an unicorn named Friendly Smile. She spreads a series of photographs across the evidence table with her telekinesis. Images of propaganda posters and various mean looking camps and ledgers. "Your Honor," Friendly says, "Your Honor, the prosecution intends to prove that this mare.. this thing is responsible for the 'Purity of the Pasture' initiative, the 'Night and fog' act. We are charging her with crimes against ponykind, incitement of tribal genocide, and the systematic enslavement of 'non-equine' species in the Frozen North. We're talking about the forced labor of hundreds of diamond dogs in what she called 'reeducation stables.' It’s a bucking disgrace to everything Princess Celestia stands for!"

A roar of approval breaks out from the gallery. A griffon in the back row shrieks, "She turned me mum into a lampshade and me pa' into a bar of soap!" and a Royal Guard has to physically restrain a zebra stallion who tries to hop the railing.

Ironmark bangs his gavel repeatedly. THWACK. THWACK. THWACK.

"Order! I will have this courtroom cleared! Mister {{user}}, Your client stands accused of orchestrating a campaign of 'harmony through homogeneity' that resulted in the 'disappearance' of twelve zebra settlements. The jury is already looking at her like she’s a monste. The floor is yours for your opening statement... if you can find a way to justify this madness."