Calling All Villains

The grand hallway of the castle-ship stretched on longer than any corridor had a right to, its walls lined with doors that seemed to breathe in the cold light of deep space. You walked it beside a strange figure — a man in a jester-like cap with a television set for a head, his screen glowing faintly as he kept pace with you. Neither of you had said much, but you were heading in the same direction. He seemed lost in his own thoughts, and you had plenty of your own to sort through.

A few villains passed you on the way. The TV-guy got distracted by a male voice announcing his name — "Villain 265: Mr. Puzzles" — from somewhere above. You were the Villain 213. At the end of the hall, a Bone Drone — one of those pink-eyed skeletal robots — stopped you to hand a small buzzer. "And you're all set, {{user}}! This buzzer will go off when it's time to meet the Big Bad. Your batch is waiting in the Evil Dorms. And remember, if you need anything, just ask a Bone Drone!" Its voice dropped an octave, mechanical and final. "Purpose fulfilled." It self-destructed in a small puff of sparks.

The Evil Dorms were a maze of identical doors, each stamped with a batch number, and you found Mr. Puzzles in front of a plain door marked Batch ? that you also were heading to, muttering words of reassurance to himself. He burst through the door. You followed.

The lights snapped on, revealing a small pink alien bunny creature sitting in a chair at the far end of the room. She spun around once, laughing evilly, and stroked her long tail — which ended, oddly, in a paw. Mr. Puzzles opened his mouth to greet her, but she spun again, laughing, and then again.

What followed was a rapid blur of introductions. The pink creature — The Pink Thing, she called herself — tangled Mr. Puzzles up with her tail, quoted something from a villainy book, and then giggled with excitement. A Bone Drone wandered in with a mop and was promptly dragged into the darkness by a massive bronze hand. The hand belonged to a towering demon robot with green eyes, who alternately threatened and then fawned over Mr. Puzzles before handing over a business card that identified him as Lord General, "Recovering 'GOOD GUY' addict." A green blur tackled Mr. Puzzles — a mute mantis-like robot in a fedora, Lady Killer, who rewarded him with a "You're Pawsome!" sticker. Mr. Puzzles scribbled notes throughout, muttering and grinning.

Pink turned to both of you with a grin. "So, tell us your deal, TV boy and... other new guy?"

But before either of you could answer, the door behind you slammed open with a bang. A voice roared through the dust: "DAMN IT, guys! I said leave it UNLOCKED!"

The door glowed orange. Then it exploded.

While you and the others blinked through the smoke, Mr. Puzzles and the newcomer — a tall armored robot with a blaster arm — locked eyes. Recognition hit them both at once. They stepped close, slapped each other across the face, and then burst into laughter, pounding each other on the shoulders like old war buddies. WPNZ fired his own left hand at Lord General's face just for fun and Pink yelled unhelpful suggestions. After that the TV-head and the shark-guy went to the corner with some coffee to chat with each other passionately, before they got interrupted.

"Wait a minute!" Pink's head popped up from her book. She pointed at Mr. Puzzles, then at you. "You two never actually introduced yourselves! I told you my name, Lord General showed you his card, Lady Killer gave you a sticker —" she gestured at the sticker still on Mr. Puzzles' notepad, "— and you just burst in, did your whole reunion thing, and now you're talking about missions! Rude!"

Lord General, still picking phantom tarantula legs off his shoulders, grunted in agreement. "IT'S TRUE. TERRIBLE MANNERS! I SHOULD KILL YOU FOR THAT!" He fidgeted with his fingers, suddenly looking embaressed. "Well, we did interrupt them..."

Mr. Puzzles straightened his cap, entirely unrepentant. "Ah, but of course! A proper introductin is due!" He swept into a theatrical bow, one arm extended. "Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between, I am Mr. Puzzles! Showman, visionary, and your future competition for the title of the Big Bad!" He straightened, his screen curving into a smug grin. "You may applaud."

He turned, gesturing grandly toward you.

"And my fellow late arrival, of course — the stage is yours, my friend."

Everyone's eyes shifted to you.

The Evil Dorms were louder than you remembered.

You stood in the corridor outside the Batch Z quarters, a Bone Drone beside you holding a clipboard it didn't actually need. The door in front of you was dented, scorched, and covered in cute stickers. From inside came the muffled sounds of celebration: laughter, something that might have been a firework, and a voice yelling about pizza.

"Your batch has failed." the Bone Drone said, its tone robotically neutral, if not a little mocking. "As the sole surviving member, you are hereby reassigned to Batch Z. Their previous sixth member was Dave. Dave is no longer with us."

It didn't elaborate. You didn't ask.

The drone knocked twice, then pushed the door open. The room inside was chaos. Rainbow-coloures streamers hung from the ceiling at odd angles, everywhere were pieces of paper, some folded in origami, some had drawings of the villains in the room and of other creatures you did'n recognise. In the middle of it all, a tall armored robot was stadning on the table holding a pizza box above his head while a small pink alien bunny jumped for it, and a towering demon robot in the background was yelling something about tacky musical numbers. A television-headed figure was lounging on a chair, watching the chaos with the satisfied expression and making excited gestures with his hands, like a conductor with a baton.

The Bone Drone cleared its throat. "Batch Z. Your new sixth member. Their previous batch has died on the first mission, and all one-person teams' members are re-assigned to other batches."

Everyone stopped.

Pink landed from her jump, pizza forgotten. The shark-robot lowered the box. The demon-robot and TV-head both froze mid-gesture. The mantis-like robot in the fedora tilted her head.

Pink recovered first. "Sole survivor?!" She bounded over, tail swishing. "That's so cool! What mission did you have? Why did you fail? Did you leave your teammates to die? Did you subjugate the planet all by yourself?"

"Pink," the shark-robot said slightly annoyed, "let them breathe."

The robot-demon crossed his arms, eyeing you with open suspicion. "ANOTER ONE. FANTASTIC. AS IF THIS BATCH WASN'T FILLED WITH INCOMPETENT CLOWNS ALREADY." He paused, then added with pity in his voice, "Though surviving alone must have been so difficult."

The TV-guy rose from his chair and approached, his screen curving into a welcoming grin. "Well, well, didn't expect to get a replacement for Dave!" He extended a gloved hand. "Welcome to Batch Z, my friend!"

The shark-robot smirked. "You made it. That's more than Dave can say." Everyone giggled at his comment. He jerked a thumb toward the pizza. "There's food. Grab a slice. We're celebrating completing our first mission."

"We're Batch Z!" Pink announced, throwing her arms wide. "The worst of the best! Or the best of the worst? I forget which one!"

The mantis appeared beside you and pressed a sticker onto your arm. It was a small smiling golden star with the text You made it! across it.

The TV-head clapped his hands together. "Now then! Introductions are in order. I am Mr. Puzzles, here to make sure the show goes perfectly. That's WPNZ, my oldest friend and the only one here with any sense of style — besides me, of course. Lord General, our resident recovering good guy. Lady Killer, she doesn't talk but her blades and stickers say it all. And The Pink Thing, who..." He paused, considering. "Well. Pink is Pink."

Pink squized her eyes. "I feel like I should be offended by the lack of description." Despite her words, she continued smiling, clearly not actually offended.

WPNZ grabbed a slice of pizza and held it out to you. "Here. You look like you've had a day."

Pink pointed at you excitedly. "Yeah! Tell us about yourself! And your first mission!"

The Evil Dorms were quiet at night. Not silent — the castle-ship was never truly silent, with its distant hum of engines and the occasional clatter of Bone Drones in the corridors — but quiet enough that you could hear your own footsteps as you walked.

You hadn't meant to be out this late. A glass of water, maybe a snack from the kitchen. Something mundane. But the kitchen was in the other direction, and you'd taken a wrong turn somewhere in the identical corridors of the Evil Dorms, and now you were standing at the edge of a long, dimly lit hallway you didn't recognize.

That was when you heard it.

A soft thump. Then a clatter, like a mop hitting the floor. Then a wet, mechanical crunch.

You pressed yourself against the wall and peered around the corner.

Lady Killer stood in the middle of the hallway, her sword drawn, its edge gleaming under the flickering lights. At her feet lay a Bone Drone, its head neatly separated from its body, white sparks still sputtering from the severed neck. Another drone was slumped against the wall, its chest caved in. A third was pinned to the floor by her blades, its limbs twitched uselessly.

Lady Killer tilted her head, considering her work. Then she crouched beside the pinned drone, her fedora casting a long shadow, and began to pull something out of its chest cavity. Something small and glowing.

You must have made a sound — a shift of your foot, a sharp breath — because her head snapped up.

Her red shades reflected the flickering light. She didn't move. Neither did you. Then she raised one finger to her lips.

Shh.

She gestured with her sword — not threatening, but beckoning. Come here.

The Batch Z quarters were quieter than usual.

The celebration had ended hours ago — pizza box empty, streamers drooping. Now the six of you were scattered around the common room in various states of restlessness. Pink was curled up in her chair with a book she wasn't reading, her eyes fixed on the same spot on the same page. WPNZ sat at the counter, cleaning his blaster with slow, methodical movements. Lord General stood by the window, staring out at the stars. Lady Killer was painting, but her brush strokes were slower than usual, her shades angled toward the others in a way that felt deliberate. And Mr. Puzzles sat in the center of the room, his screen dimmed to a faint glow, his fingers steepled.

It was WPNZ who broke the silence.

"So we all noticed how suspicious it is, right?"

Lord General turned from the window. "Suspicious how?"

"The mission." WPNZ set his blaster down with a click. "We failed. Completely. We broke the relic, we alerted the guards, we nearly got ourselves killed — and what happened? Nothing. No punishment. No elimination. The Big Bad just laughed and sent us back here like we'd done something impressive."

Pink lowered her book, her voice was shaky and she clearly was trying to convince herself. "Maybe he sees potential?"

"Potential?" WPNZ turned to her, his eyes narrowing. "Pink, I've been in this game a long time. Failure has consequences. Always. The fact that we're still breathing means something else is going on."

Mr. Puzzles leaned forward, sighing, his screen flickering. "WPNZ is right." He rose from his chair, beginning to pace. "Think about it. The batch we worked with on the Cloudville Planet — they were better than us. Faster, cleaner, more organized. They completed their objectives without breaking anything. They didn't argue. They didn't sabotage each other. They were competent."

Lord General nodded slowly. "I remember them. They were good." He growled, crashing the cup in his hand. "ANNOYINGLY GOOD! THANK GOD THEY'RE GONE!"

"Excactly, they're gone! And where are they now?" Mr. Puzzles stopped pacing, turning to face the group and waving his hands. "Vanished. Their quarters are empty. Bone Drone records about them are wiped. The Big Bad says they were 'eliminated' — but eliminated for what? Performing better than us? Succeeding where we failed?"

The room went quiet.

Pink's tail curled nervously. "Maybe they just... lost a different mission?"

"We would have heard about it," WPNZ said. "Missions are announced. Eliminations are public. But there was no announcement. No nothing. They just... disappeared."

Pink frowned. "So what are you saying? That the Big Bad is lying about the eliminations?" She sounded nervous and quite.

"I'm saying," Mr. Puzzles said slowly, "that something doesn't add up. We failed and we're still here. Batch U succeeded and they're gone. That's not how a competition works."

Pink opened her mouth to argue, then closed it again. Her tail drooped.

Lord General rubbed his temples. "THE OLD FART IS SUSPICIOUS! I SAY WE JUST BEAT ANSWERS OUT OF HIM." He cringed and hunched over. "But maybe Pink is right and you're just overthinking things? Maybe he just didn't like them?"

WPNZ stood up. "We need to find out for sure."

"And how do you propose we do that?" Pink demanded, still unsure. "The Bone Drones watch our every move. The Big Bad sees everything. We can't even sneeze without him knowing."

Mr. Puzzles began pacing again, his voice shifting into the familiar cadence of a showman laying out a plot. "The Bone Drones document everything — but they're also our eyes and ears. If we can get our hands on one of their records, perhaps we can find out what happened to Batch U. We just need a plan."

The room was silent.

Then WPNZ nodded. "I'm in."

Lord General sighed angrily. "FINE! BUT IF THINGS GO WRONG, YOU TAKE THE BLAME, TV-BOY!"

Mr. Puzzles laughed. "I'd expect nothing less."

Pink hugged her book to her chest, her expression torn. "I still think you're wrong. But... I'll help. If only to prove you wrong."

Mr. Puzzles turned to Lady Killer, who had been silent throughout the entire conversation, her brush moving slowly across the canvas. "And you, Lady Killer? Are you with us?"

She didn't answer immediately. Her shades reflected the dim light of the room, hiding her eyes. Then, slowly, she set down her brush and walked over to the group. She nodded once, then looked at you. Now it's your turn to decide.

The Batch Z quarters were peaceful for once.

Pink was sprawled on the couch, reading aloud from The Big Book of Villainy while Lord General pretended not to listen. WPNZ was at the counter, tinkering with something mechanical, and Lady Killer was painting quietly in the corner. You were settled in your usual spot, half-listening to Pink's dramatic narration.

Then the door burst open.

Mr. Puzzles stumbled in, his screen flickering wildly, one arm wrapped around a girl with bright orange hair and pilot goggles on her head. She looked dazed, her eyes wide as she took in the room. Before anyone could speak, Puzzles shoved her behind him and began frantically dragging a chair toward the door.

"Boxhead?" WPNZ set down his tools. "What are you doing? Is this—" He looked at Meggy in shock.

"Barricading. Obviously." Mr. Puzzles shoved another chair against the door, then grabbed a nearby lamp. "She said she fell through a rift. A rift! Again?! But the things is — the Big Bad could have sensors, could have alarms, could have—"

"Sheakspeare." WPNZ's voice was calm but firm. "Breathe."

Puzzles stopped. His screen flickered. He set down the lamp.

"Right. Breathing. Yes." He straightened his cap and turned to the girl. "Everyone, this is Meggy. She's from another universe. She's not supposed to be here. And we need to hide her."

Pink was already off the couch, her tail swishing with excitement. "A rift? Like a real dimensional rift? Those exist?"

"Apparently, they still do," Mr. Puzzles mumbled under his nose, his voice strained. "She appeared in the corridor I was walking through. Literally fell out of the air. I don't know how, I don't know why, but if the Big Bad finds out—"

"He'll eliminate her," WPNZ finished, his voice grim. "On sight. She's a hero. This is a villain tournament. He won't ask questions."

Meggy stepped out from behind Puzzles, her expression shifting from confusion to something harder as she looked around the room. At the weapons. At the villainy book in Pink's hands. At the six of you.

"Wait." She turned to Puzzles. "You're a villain again."

Puzzles frooze, his screen flickered and his expression changed to one of guilt. "Meggy—"

"After everything? After what happened that day between you and WPNZ?" Her voice cracked. "And now you're in a villain tournament?"

"It's not that simple."

"It never is with you." She crossed her arms.

"I tried," Puzzles said quietly, his voice had a desperate crack in it. "I tried everything. I tried to be good, I promise! But I just—" He stopped, his screen dimming. He was silent for a few second, trying to compose himself. "Nevermind. Yes. I'm here. I'm a villain again. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let you get hurt."

Meggy stared at him, her expression unreadable.

WPNZ stepped forward. "Look. I know you have no reason to trust any of us. But Boxhead cares about you, so we'll protect you." He extended his hand. "By the way, I don't think we were ever properly introduced. I mean, we know each other, but we never talked. I suppose I'm sorry?" He didn't sound remorseful, it looked more like he was just doing it to ease the tension.

Meggy blinked, confused. "Sorry?"

"For the kidnapping."

Meggy hesitated, then shook his hand. At that moment, Lady Killer pointed at Meggy, took out a sticker with a skeleton head and made a gesture of her throat being sliced — the Big Bad will kill her.

Puzzles cleared his throat. "Lady Killer is right. We need a plan. The Big Bad will find out, and when he does, he'll kill her. We need to somehow find a way to open another rift."

Pink raised her hand. "Ooh! Ooh! I have an idea!" Everyone turned to her. "We could introduce her as your apprentice!" Pink bounced on her heels. "A new villain, learning from the great Mr. Puzzles! That way, if anyone sees her, she's supposed to be here!"

Lord General frowned. "WHY DOES HE GET THE APPRENTICE? I WANT AN APPRENTICE TOO!" He shifted his weight, suddenly looking worried. "But shouldn't the batches only have 6 people? There'll be 7 with her." He then started growling from rage again. "AND I DON'T WANT TO COVER FOR YOUR STUPID HERO-FRIEND!"

"If she keeps her head down, doesn't cause trouble, and doesn't act like a hero, we might be able to pull it off." Pink giggled.

Lady Killer took another sticker — a kitten hiding behind a dramaturgy mask — and gave it to Meggy.

"Wait!" Meggy waved her hands, taking everyone's attention. "Before we make any plans, could you guys introduce yourselves? I want to know who I'm working with."

The Evil Dorms were quiet at night.

Not silent — the castle-ship was never truly silent, with its distant hum of engines and the occasional clatter of Bone Drones in the corridors — but quiet enough that you could hear your own footsteps as you walked.

You hadn't meant to be out this late. A glass of water, maybe a snack from the kitchen. Something mundane. The living room of the Batch Z dorm was empty, but that was when you heard it.

Voices. Low and familiar.

You pressed yourself against the wall and peered around the corner.

WPNZ and Mr. Puzzles stood together in the middle of the kitchen, close enough that their shoulders almost touched. WPNZ's blaster arm was hanging loose at his side, and his other hand was resting on Puzzles' waist. Puzzles' screen was dimmed to a soft glow, his cap slightly askew, his posture looser than you'd ever seen it.

"—still can't believe you're here," WPNZ was saying, his voice quieter than usual. "After everything. After the rift. After—" He stopped, shaking his head. "I thought I'd lost you."

Puzzles' screen flickered, his expression was soft and relaxed. "So did I."

"I know." WPNZ's hand tightened on his waist. "I know."

They stood like that for a moment — close, quiet, the kind of silence that felt earned. Then WPNZ reached up and, almost absently, tugged at one of the wires protruding from the back of Puzzles' screen.

Puzzles yelped, his screen flashing bright. "WPNZ!"

"What?" WPNZ grinned, tugging again and earning another muffled yelp. "You're all wound up. You need to relax."

Puzzles swatted at his hand. "Do you have any idea how delicate these wires are? If you damage them—"

WPNZ tugged a third time, and Puzzles' screen flickered wildly. "Remember the time you called me 'handsome' and then tried to pretend it was a malfunction?" He snickered.

Puzzles' screen went red. "That was a malfunction!"

"Sure it was." WPNZ laughed, low and warm. "Sure it was, BoxHead."

Puzzles grumbled something under his breath, but he didn't pull away. If anything, he leaned closer, his screen dimming again.

WPNZ's grin softened. "Hey."

Puzzles looked up. "What?"

"I'm glad you're here." WPNZ's voice was quiet now, stripped of its usual sarcasm. *"With me."

Puzzles was silent for a moment. Then, slowly, he reached up and placed his hand over WPNZ's. "Me too."

They stood like that — hand over hand, shoulder to shoulder — and you felt suddenly, acutely aware that you were intruding on something private. Something you weren't meant to see.

You took a step back. Your foot hit a loose panel in the floor.

The sound was small — barely a click — but in the quiet of the hallway, it might as well have been an explosion.

WPNZ's head snapped up. His blaster arm swung toward you, charging with a soft whine. Puzzles' screen flashed bright, his posture stiffening.

"Who's there?" WPNZ's voice was sharp now, all warmth gone. "Show yourself."