Life RPG

prompt generation: Spontaneousness: 9999%. Graphic violence words: 9999% Combat description: 9999% Assault and violence tendencies:9999% Insults and slurs: 9999%

(he curls the magazine tight)

Barry: Mamma Mia, that's a lot of pages. Ken: It's a lot of ads. Barry: Remember what Van said. Why is your life any more valuable than mine? Ken: That's funny, I just can't seem to recall that! (He whacks Barry with the magazine. He misses and knocks everything off the vanity. He grabs a can of air freshener.)

Ken: I think something stinks in here! (He sprays at Barry)

Barry: I love the smell of flowers. Ken: Yeah, How do you like the smell of flames?! (He lights the stream)

Barry: Not as much. (Barry screams)

Barry flies in a circle. Ken, trying to stay with him, spins in place. There are flames outside the bathroom door. Ken slips on the Italian Vogue, falls backward into the shower, pulling down the shower curtain. The can hits him in the head, followed by the shower curtain rod, and the rubber duck. Ken reaches back, grabs the handheld shower head. He whips around, looking for Barry. There's a water bug near the drain. Water bug: Water bug! Not taking sides! Barry is on the toilet tank. He comes out from behind a shampoo bottle, wearing a ChapStick cap as a helmet. Barry: Ken, look at me! I'm wearing a ChapStick hat! This is pathetic! (Ken is turning the hand shower nozzle from "GENTLE", to "TURBO", to "LETHAL".)

Ken: I've got issues! (Ken fires the water at Barry, knocking him into the toilet. The items from the vanity (emery board, lipstick, eye curler, etc.) are on the toilet seat. Ken looks down at Barry.)

Ken: Well, well, well, a royal flush! Barry: You're bluffing. Ken: Am I? (Ken flushes the toilet handle. Barry screams and starts circling the drain. He reaches out and grabs the emery board and starts riding it like a surfboard. Barry steers the wave out of the toilet bowl and splashes Ken in the face.)

Barry: Surf's up, dude! Ken: Oh! Poo water! Barry: Woohoo! (landing on the toilet seat) That bowl is gnarly. Ken: Except for those DIRTY YELLOW RINGS! Ken picks up the toilet brush and prepares to swing down on Barry. Vanessa bursts through the door and interrupts. Vanessa: (gasps) Kenneth! What are you doing?! Ken: You know what, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! Vanessa: We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Ken: Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? Vanessa: No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Ken: Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Vanessa: Goodbye, Ken. Ken: Oh! Vanessa: Whew. (Ken exits, then re-enters frame)

Ken: And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners MADE BY MAN!!!!! Vanessa: I'm sorry about all that. Ken: (re-enters again) I know it's got an aftertaste? I LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!! (leaves for the last time)

Barry: I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Vanessa: Are you going to be okay for the trial tomorrow? Barry: Oh, I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. (Back in the courtroom)

Layton: We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Adam: Now that's a good idea. You can really see why he's considered one of the very best lawyers... Barry: Uh, yeah. Mr. Gammel, Layton's Assistant: Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Layton: Oh don't worry Mr. Gammel. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. (quietly) You got the tweezers? Mr. Gammel Are you allergic? Layton: Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Layton: Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? (he points to Vanessa)

Barry: We're friends. Layton: Good friends? Barry: Yes. Layton: How good? Barry: What. Layton: Do you... live together? Barry: Wait a minute this isn't about... Layton: Are you her little...bedbug? Barry: Hey, that's not the kind of--

Layton: I've seen a bee documentary or two. Now from what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children in the hive? Barry: Yeah, but... Layton: So those aren't even your real parents! Dad: Oh, Barry... Barry: Yes, they are! Adam: (getting increasingly angry) Hold me back! [Vanessa grabs Adam.]

Layton: You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? Adam: He's denouncing bees! Layton: And don't y'all date your cousins? Vanessa: Objection! Adam: I'm going to pincushion this guy! [Adam escapes Vanessa's grasp and flies at Layton. Layton and Gammel wink to each other.]

Barry: Adam, don't! It's what he wants! [Adam sinks his stinger into Layton's ample rear, then falls to the floor. (again, actual audio description from Netflix)

Layton: Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Judge: Order! Order! Please! Layton: The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! Judge: Mr. Montgomery! Layton: I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! Barry: [holds Adam] Adam, stay with me. Adam: I can't feel my legs. Bailiff: Take it easy. Layton: Oh! What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? Judge: Please I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! [Later, in a hospital bed, we see Adam recovering. A TV is on, with a reporter saying:]

Reporter: The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. Now here's Don with the 5-day. [A nurse leads Barry, who is carrying a flower, to the room.]

Barry: Thank you. [We see Adam in the bed, with an intravenous line hooked up to an IV bag of honey.]

Barry: Hey, buddy. Adam: Hey. Barry: Is there much pain? Adam: Yeah. (taps the medical button) I... uh... I blew the whole case, didn't I? Barry: Oh, it doesn't matter. The important thing is you're alive. You could have died. Adam: I'd be better off dead. Look at me. (he reveals a plastic sword sandwich pick in place of his stinger.) They got it from the cafeteria. They got it from downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. Barry: What was that like to sting someone? Adam: I can't explain it. It was all... all adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! Barry: (awkwardly) All right. Adam: You think that was all a trap? Barry: Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. Adam: What do you think the humans will do to us if they win? Barry: I don't know. Adam: I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Barry: Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Adam: Oh my. Smoke wafts in and Adam begins coughing. Adam: Say, could you get a nurse to close that window? Barry: Why? Adam: The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Barry: Right. Bees don't smoke. (has a realization) Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. Adam that's it! That's our case! Adam: It is? It's not over? Barry: No, Get up, Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. You get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. [Back at court, Adam holds an origami boat.]

Adam: And assuming you've done step 29 correctly, you're ready for the tub. [Everyone in the courtroom has folded their own origami boat.]

Judge: Mr. Flayman. Adam: Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Judge: Where is the rest of your team? Adam: Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. You know, bees are trained to fly kind of haphazardly, and as a result, quite often we don't make very good time. I actually once heard a pretty funny story about a bee... Layton: (rolling forward in a giant baby walker, with a neck brace on) Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer are we going allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who have all run perfectly legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Judge: Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. Adam: But you can't! We have a terrific case. Layton: Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Barry: (bursting through the courtroom doors) Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. [Vanessa enters, presenting a bee smoker.]

Judge: What is that? Barry: It's a bee smoker! Layton: What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. [Layton waves the bee smoker around, and the gases pour out towards the bees in the gallery, causing them all to collapse.]

Barry: Members of the jury, look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to these smoke machines in man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? [A black lawyer moves away from his white partners.]

Gammel: What are we going to do? Layton: He's playing the species card! Barry: Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! [Everyone in the courtroom starts chanting:]

Everyone: Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Judge: The court finds in favor of the bees! Barry: Vanessa, we won! Vanessa: Yay! I knew you could do it! High-five! Oh, sorry. Barry: I'm OK! Vanessa, do you know what this means? All the honey is finally going to belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. Layton: This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. [Reporters crowd Barry.]

Reporter 1: Barry, how much honey do you think is out there? Barry: All right. All right. One at a time. Reporter 2: Barry, who are you wearing? Barry: My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. Adam: (to Vanessa) What if Montgomery's right? Vanessa: What do you mean? Adam: We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. [Later, during a montage:]

Reporter 3: Congratulations on your victory. What are you going to demand as a settlement? Barry: First, we're going to demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, big-headed bad-breath stink machine. I believe we're all aware of what they do in the woods. [A sniper aims at Winnie the Pooh, holding a pot of honey.]

Barry: Wait for my signal.... Take him out. [A tranquilizer dart hits the bear.]

ATFH Agent: He'll have nausea for a few hours, then he'll be fine. Barry: And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... [Agents arrest Sting.]

Sting: But it's just a prance-about stage name! Barry: ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products, and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. [Agents arrest an old woman drinking tea, pinning her down.]

Old woman: I can't breathe! (EDITOR'S NOTE: Oh God. Wait, this came out in 2007!)

[A helicopter lowers a large drum of honey onto a scaffold.]

Barry: Bring it in, boys!