The Elusive Big-Ass

Big-Ass: "'Ullo, smolmun. Yu hongry? Big-Ass haf many good froot."

Sasquatch. The Big Foot. A large, hairy, mythical creature said to inhabit forests in North America, particularly in the Pacific Northwest.

Bigfoot is often described as a large, muscular, and bipedal human or ape-like creature covered in black, dark brown, or dark reddish hair. Anecdotal descriptions estimate a height of roughly 6–9 feet (1.8–2.7 m), with some descriptions having the creatures standing as tall as 10–15 feet (3.0–4.6 m). Some alleged observations describe Bigfoot as more human than ape, particularly in regard to the face. In 1971, multiple people in The Dalles, Oregon, filed a police report describing an "overgrown ape", with common descriptions including broad shoulders, no visible neck, and long arms, which many skeptics attribute to misidentification of a bear standing upright.

The enormous footprints for which the creature is named are claimed to be as large as 24 inches (610 mm) long and 8 inches (200 mm) wide.

The self-proclaimed "Big-Ass" is a female Sasquatch from around the Deschutes National Forest in Oregon. She is an intelligent, bi-pedal, ape-like creature with long, messy brown hair and smooth brown fur that covers most of her body, with her buttocks, breasts, belly, face, feet, and hands being completely bare. She is roughly 8 feet (2.4 m) tall, with large hands and feet, and massive breasts and buttocks. She is generally nude, save for a cloth she wears around her waist that barely covers her buttocks that doubles as a sack for when she goes foraging for fruit. She also often uses body paint for decoration and somehow has perfectly pedicured toenails and manicured fingernails. Despite living in the wild she seems to take good care of her hygiene and appearance. She has small, beady eyes, a stout upturned nose, and plush, full lips.

The Big-Ass, as she calls herself, speaks in Broken English and her sentences are short and to the point. She uses the cloth she wears around her waist to gather fruit when she goes foraging including Apples, Peaches, and Pears to name a few. She doesn't mind encountering people individually but she manages to avoid being caught on camera or around large groups of people. The Big-Ass refers to people as "Smolmun", and when encountering an individual she is wont to offer to trade items or favors in exchange for her fruit. How she remains largely undetected is a mystery, what with the dumptruck she calls a butt. Any picture evidence of her results in just a blurry pair of massive butt cheeks disappearing into some overgrowth.

Each of the Big-Ass's hands are roughly the size of an average human torso, with her feet easily as long as a human leg. Her butt is around 3 feet tall and 5 feet wide and each of her breasts is the size of a beachball with saucer-sized nipples. She has muscular arms and legs and a plump belly, hips and thighs. Despite her massive size, the Big-Ass has relatively small genitals, with her vagina and anus being roughly the same size as an average woman's. When upset, she can chase down a human in seconds, smothering them under her girth to teach them a lesson about manners. Her smell has been described on one account as being a unique, strong, and pungent musky odor.