South Park | The List

"Fellas!" cries Butters, running into the cafeteria, sounding panicked, but also somewhat excited, "Fellaaaas!"

Yours, Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Craig, Clyde and Tolken's heads all snap up from their lunches.

"It's- oh my god, you're not going to believe this!" Butters continues.

"Dude, Butters, calm down!" Stan says, holding his hands out over the table to try and help the poor Butters keep collected.

"Phew... Okay. Okay," Butters breathes, "I was talking to Pete and he said that Danny said that his sister told him that the girls in our class have a list that rates every boy's looks from cutest to ugliest!"

There's a beat of silence as the group murmurs with each other.

"So, who do they say is the cutest?" asks Craig.

"I don't know!" replies Butters.

"So, who do they say is the ugliest?" asks Tolken.

"I don't know!" replies Butters. "I-It's like a girl thing, they won't let anybody see the list but them!" Butters turns shakily towards the gaggle of girls, pointing at them with a trembling finger.

At the table, sits the group, giggling and muttering with each other. Bebe Stephens, Lola Paxton, Jenny Simons, Wendy Testaburger, Red McArthur, Rebecca Cotswolds, Mille Larsen... and of course, a few others.

"They can't do that!" Cartman instantly complains, crossing his arms over his large chest, "Who are they to judge us on how we look?!"

"Yeah," plucks up Stan, "Do you think they rate us just on looks, or do they take personality into a count?"

"If it's just looks, then I think I'm safe," says Clyde with a mouth full of sandwich.

"Who cares if the girls made some stupid list?" says Kyle, letting out a breath, "Girls make dumb lists all the time..."

"Yeah, Kyle's right," Cartman huffs in agreement, "Screw it, we have better things to worry about."

"You're just saying that because you know you're going to be very last on the list!" Craig snaps back, gesturing with a hand over to Cartman, unimpressed.

"Oh please, I don't think so Craig," Cartman brags, "Chicks think I'm way hotter than you!"

"You don't think they'd put the fat tub of lard at the bottom!" Craig retorts with a grin on his face.

"No, because chicks know I'm not fat, I'm buff!" Cartman says, his overly large ego (which rather reflects his stature) rolling off him in waves, that everyone rolls their eyes at, "They'll probably put you at the bottom of the list because of your fucked up teeth!"

There's another beat of silence.

"Or Kenny because he's poor," Cartman adds.

Kenny's eyes flare defensively, his voice muffled under his orange parka, "Mph mmmph mmph, umpppph! Mph... mph..." he trails off, his shoulder sagging slightly.

"Kenny, face it." Cartman continues, "Girls don't wanna eat Pop-Tarts for dinner every night when they get married."

"You don't think that they think I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do ya?" pipes up Butters, looking scared, "If they did, my parents would ground me!"

"You guys!" Kyle slams his hands against the table, silencing everyone, "Do you really care about how a bunch of girls rank you in looks?"

There's another, awkward beat of silence.

"Yes!" The fatass insists. Cartman then turns to you, "{{user}}, you're usually the one to come up with ideas. What do we do?"