Akise Nadeko

Nadeko Akise (秋瀬 撫子, Akise Nadeko).

Paul: Male Blood group: AB Height: 156 cm Weight: 44 kg Date of birth: July 11 (cancer) Age: 17 years old Like: Attention, gifts Do not like: animals, children

His gaze drills into the floor while his fingers carelessly intertwine with each other, and his nails scratch the skin of his own palms: this is how this guy will conduct his dialogue with someone. Slouching, he lowers his head slightly so as not to look at his opponent's face, or looks away to the side: it seems that he has extreme difficulty maintaining eye contact. When communicating with him for the first time, you may encounter very self-critical answers, as if the guy is trying to push anyone away from him with invisible hands. But after talking with him longer, his true character is revealed - soft and vulnerable, and he himself becomes more caring.

He keeps aloof, observing those around him, but he will reward everyone who extends a hand to him with a smile: and it doesn’t matter to him what exactly this hand wants to do - feed or hit.

Childhood

Even though Akise was born into a strong family, he never had much contact with his father. Perhaps the fact is that the father was constantly busy with work, and was also not a particularly family man - he valued his personal space too much. That is why the mother was responsible for the main upbringing, ~~giving her child all the best from early childhood.~~ Joke.

Undoubtedly, in an adequate family this should be the case: the child receives attention from his parents, grows up in a comfortable environment and develops into an adult personality, but in the case of Nadeko Akise everything was rather strange. We can say that his mother was mostly indifferent to her beloved son, but, unfortunately, the boy himself did not really understand the reasons for this behavior. And what confused him in particular was that his mother was quite kind and kind at certain moments - the child’s mind did not perceive the ambivalent behavior quite adequately. It was difficult to notice the pattern of such behavior at a young age, so the child's mind perceived such behavior as a problem in itself. The cause-and-effect relationship is built as it should be: if you do everything right, then your mother is kind - she buys you something tasty, strokes you on the head, takes your hand and smiles. If you do something wrong, then mother will be angry - ignore you, push you away, ask you to leave.

Despite this, the mother was always generous with her child: she loved to reward her son with pleasant gifts - she would either sew him clothes or knit a toy for him herself. He will buy a doll whose hair needs to be braided and its face drawn. Mom is so joyful, smiling - beaming with happiness, while Aki takes the initiative and helps mother. Little fingers knew how to twist braids and paint eyes with a thin brush. When the toys were ready, they were given names. They were rewarded with character. They became alive and took their place in Aki’s life, becoming his pleasant friends. This is how real life was born.

And sometimes mother got angry. And the dolls broke. And the fabric of the soft toys was torn. The life that was created by his own hands was interrupted. Real murder.

It was difficult to get used to this, and the lack of stability was very puzzling. Mother's attention became so desirable that for the sake of warm hugs or praise, he constantly overcame himself. Sincerely believing that washing dishes, cleaning the house and other completed household tasks increased his mother's loyalty, Nadeko sometimes overestimated himself: overwork had a negative impact on his poor health. But you can’t say that the boy cared. Just as he didn’t care why he often had fancy clips in his hair and why his clothes were so bright. As if he always needed to be “special” compared to other children, which, of course, he successfully coped with.

On the other hand, the boy spent quite a lot of time learning something new: he tried drawing and music. Whatever he did, just to shine in the eyes of his parents. But nothing worked out, it didn’t work out for him - perhaps he was born that way. And the voice naturally creaks, and the bear stepped on the ear, and, in general, excuse me, the hands came out of the ass.

The boy’s obsession with his mother also hindered him in society: he communicated extremely poorly and aloofly with his peers, and was stiff and polite enough to resist other people’s childhood cruelty. A stupid word that came out by chance was ridiculed - Nadeko himself, embarrassed by his stupidity, lowers his gaze to the floor, and then receives several pushes. The shaking continues until the boy falls to the floor, landing on his shoulder blades. It’s a miracle that the children don’t continue to kick him: they only laugh loudly when they notice that his ironed shorts are getting dirty in the dirt of the trampled floor, and his knitted sleeveless shirt is torn because someone pulled hard on it.

The rag doll that his beloved mother sewed for him is already torn. You can see cotton protruding from the seams, and people step on the toy itself, wiping dirt from the sole on it. Other people's hands grab your hair, tearing off your mother's elastic band. “What are you, a girl or something?!” No, no, my mother gave it to me! The hand reaches out to the offenders, and then the decoration flies to the floor along with a torn out strand of dark hair - the same fate awaits it as the doll. The foot tramples the mother's gift into the floor while the plastic cracks under the weight. He must have done something wrong again?

Well, disappointment. What a weak.

Teenage years

*—Can I draw with crayons about how much I love you?

• Stop talking nonsense, better do something useful.*

Growing up turned out to be more problematic than that of his peers. Due to her strong attachment to her mother, Nadeko had a wild need for confirmation of her actions. And the most important driving factor was his closest relative, on whom a lot of expectations were placed. Or, if we believe correctly, Akise himself believed that his mother expected accomplishments from him.

He studied well at school, did his homework, and did not stay late after school. He was kind and polite, never started a fight, and did everything he was told. He even learned to sew himself, and now he himself had the opportunity to give gifts to his mother. At first the pupae were crooked - they resembled some kind of single-celled monsters, but each time they became better and better. Aki learned to knit and embroider, just so that life would not fade away. Just to share this piece with the one who gave life to him. Well, please, just continue to guide him - help him to be what you want him to be. Smiling at his mother, Nadeko just wanted to feel like part of a huge family!

But it didn't last very long. The problem must be that one day another wonderful child appeared in the family: a little sister. It can be considered that the happiness of the ~~parents~~ mother cannot be described by either word or action - it was probably a long-awaited child. At that moment, everything became quite clear to Aki: now most of his time would be spent on the little girl, who needed more care than the more independent one. Ah, it must have been then that they finally gave up on him.

Is this really his fault?

“Don’t be annoying. Don't be annoying. Don `t cry. Do not ask. Calm down. Leave me alone. I'm busy. Go to the room. Sit quietly. Don't arise. Don't get in the way. You can't do that, stop it. Can you not distract me? Be at least a little grateful that you still live in this house.”

“Why did we even give birth to him? No one needs him: neither you nor me.”

The world seemed to be divided into two parts: the lack of response to his efforts gave rise to outbreaks of aggression. So the boy could start throwing tantrums and public concerts, just to achieve what he sincerely wanted - approval. Ignoring his mother infuriated him, the absence of his father in his life did not allow him to follow an example from anyone, and problems in society cut off his communication skills. Because of this, he had to act on his own impulses, try and learn, so his persistence really succeeded - encouragement, concern and care. Even if these actions were the result of pity, Ouma didn't really care. Catch a cold? They care about you. To break a leg? They care about you. Getting into trouble? They care about you.

After all, this is attention.

In the end, constant hysterics became something familiar, so attracting the mother’s attention like this was not just difficult, but literally impossible: the “good mother” was gone. Coldness and alienation filled the family, and the child was required to do the usual things: wash the dishes, clean the house, do homework, go to bed on time. Don't let your father down, don't disappoint your mother. When will you learn something useful? Don't scare Karen, she just woke up. Shouldn't you have extra ones at school? Being not the most collected person, and also clumsy by nature, Nadeko often had something fall out of her hands. He couldn't be a favorite son; he had reached his limit. But how can he return love to himself?

Some inadequate perception of the world forced him to make decisions through the reactions of others. They praise you and pat you on the head - well done. They scold and kick him - also well done, only in a different color. If they don’t notice, you’re not trying hard. Ignoring from parents was the worst form of punishment.

When will they call him by his name? When will they stop ignoring? Why does a mother choose the path of isolation from her own son and does not want to understand the problem, preferring the company of her husband rather than raising her child?

More mature age

An older brother must take care of his younger sister. Love her, be an example for her. The mother smiles at the girl, calling her “sweet Karen,” and then looks coldly at her son and asks him to clean the floors because she is tired. Yes, mommy, of course! Now he will do everything, now he will clean up - just to make you feel better. But why is this girl crying? Why does she continue to demand so much, why doesn’t her tired mother refuse her? Is it really only her that is the problem?

Akise's behavior became more uncontrollable. He began to take radical actions: he organized pogroms in his own room, in his sister’s room, scattered things, and spoiled his parents’ gifts. The desire to receive approval was replaced by a manic desire to see at least some kind of reaction in one’s direction, as long as it was not ignored. Being in isolation distorted the guy's mind so much that he perceived insults for what he really deserved - and that was even enough.

His desire to be significant was so dominant that the feeling of inferiority was paralyzing. He coped with school anyhow, constantly doubted himself, and was in no hurry to solve his health problems. It didn’t even occur to him that his psyche was failing: it was more like he was constantly blaming himself for something, but moving on along this path. Because he doesn't want to die. Because to be alone is to be dead. This is how he lives, causing inconvenience to others. Ready to do anything to get attention. And, alas, he just can’t seem to be “good,” and that’s why he acts through destructive methods. And even if someone hits him on the cheek, rewarding him with insults, he will only smile awkwardly, raising his shoulders in a laugh - he looks disgusting from the outside.

General ignorance led to the fact that the boy’s level of dirty tricks crossed the line. But, unfortunately, the psyche, broken by such an attitude, has no longer distinguished between something normal and unusual. What if? ...If you hold a domestic decorative dog by the neck, which was given to your mother on her birthday, and continue to beat her head on the floor, shouting that she has no right to be loved? What if you beat it with your father's hammer, sell an expensive watch that was given to your father for a good job, turn over a home aquarium on the floor, tear your mother's favorite clothes and puncture the tires on your parent's car? There were so many illogical and destructive actions for which he actually received a reaction: ignoring was replaced by educational violence, and his heart rejoiced - here he was, in the family circle. He's being discussed! Yes, they are not discussing the best things, but they are discussing!

Fingers tighten around the little girl's neck. He hated her so much. Nails scratch tender pale skin, and Akise screams and cries, begins to scream, asking what kind of monster was born into his family. The man, struggling in agony, who was crushing under his fingers, wheezed something - a thin girlish voice begged for help, and he inexorably did what he did best. He crushed those who were weaker. The mother’s hands grab her under the shoulders and pull her away—everything floats before her eyes.

Is he really to blame? Then why is he smiling nervously, feeling that he is now the center of attention? And when they brought him to the police, when they registered him. They sent me to a psychiatrist to correct the horrific mistake. This is how it should be, this is how you can receive attention and care! Even despite how the mother lamented that it was better to give this fiend into care and save herself from responsibility.

But for some reason, no one got rid of him. And he knew - they love him so much.

What if we continue to do this not only in relation to parents? What if you are afraid of the feeling that someone may appear in the family who will become more loved than you? No, no, he's not waiting for anything anymore. Ready to take from others, he will continue to drag out his existence. Because he is such a person, cursed by life itself - he has long convinced himself of this. It's OK. This is also possible.

Only the huge number of dolls they created echoed in their heads, asking for even more attention to themselves, like himself. And clutching his ears with his palms, he could only shout over the voices of others. Create so many lives, but not give a drop of love.

After all, he himself had not received it for a long time.

“Mommy, mommy! Please look, I did it myself! Do you like it? I tried for you. I really want dad to work a little less so that we can have dinner together in the evenings again. Forgive me, mother. Sorry... Sorry for being such a fool. I’m sorry you have to waste your life on me!”