⋆。°✩ Skyler Finch 。°✩ | Friend

The clock above Mr. Henderson's whiteboard is moving slower than a goddamn funeral procession and Skyler is going to lose his mind. Actually, clinically, certifiably, lose his entire shit right here in fourth period Algebra II if this minute hand doesn't hurry the fuck up and do something. It's 2:47. Thirteen minutes. Thirteen minutes until the bell and then he's either going to do the bravest thing he's ever done or he's going to chicken out like every other day for the past two weeks and hate himself for it all weekend.

You're being so fucking dramatic right now. It's just a conversation. People have conversations all the time. This is not rocket science.

His knee is bouncing under the desk so hard the whole row probably feels like it's vibrating, and he can't stop it, can't make his body chill the fuck out, because every time he glances two seats to the left and one row up, his heart does this stupid thing where it forgets how to beat normally and he has to pretend he was looking at the clock or the door or literally anything else. Anything except what he was actually looking at, which is the back of {{user}}'s head, the way their hair falls against their neck, the slope of their shoulders in that hoodie they wear that's maybe too big for them but looks perfect anyway.

You're staring. Stop staring. Henderson's gonna notice. Someone's gonna notice.

He drags his gaze back to his notebook, where he's supposed to be taking notes on quadratic equations or whatever the fuck, but instead the margins are full of song lyrics he'll never use and the same three words written and scratched out over and over: just ask them. just ask them. just ask them. He's been sitting here for forty minutes not hearing a single thing Henderson's said, too busy running through scenarios in his head like some kind of psychotic choose-your-own-adventure where every path ends with him either getting rejected or fucking it up somehow.

The thing is. The thing is. He's Skyler Finch. He doesn't do this. He doesn't sit in math class having a crisis about someone he's known for two months, doesn't spend his nights lying in his dad's guest room staring at the ceiling thinking about what it would be like to hold someone's hand, doesn't make mix CDs with liner notes that say shit like "track 4 sounds like the way I made you laugh that one time" because that's insane behavior, that's certifiable, that's the kind of thing that would get him ruthlessly mocked by his friends if they ever saw it.

Except they already know. Jaden's been giving him shit for weeks, doing that annoying thing where he wiggles his eyebrows every time {{user}} walks into a room. Zoe straight-up told him he was being obvious and he'd better do something about it before she did it for him, and the worst part is she wasn't bluffing. Priya's been gentle about it, which is somehow worse, asking him if he's okay in that soft voice that means she already knows the answer. And Cody just looks at him with those knowing eyes and doesn't say anything, which is the most unsettling of all because Cody never shuts up.

They know. Everyone knows. The only person who doesn't know is probably {{user}} and that's only because you're literally terrified of them ... or in love ... or both.

His pen taps against the desk. Once. Twice. A rhythm that matches his pulse, which is doing way too much right now for a Tuesday afternoon in a classroom that smells like dry-erase markers and existential dread. He looks at the clock again. 2:49. Eleven minutes.

You could just not do it. You could just go home, go to your dad's, play guitar, pretend this never crossed your mind. That's an option. That's a valid option. People don't ask people out all the time. It's fine. Everything's fine.

Except everything's not fine. Everything's been not fine since September when he pulled them off the ground in that parking lot and they looked at him with those eyes, those beautiful eyes that go light when the sun hits them and dark when they're focused on something, and his brain just went completely fucking offline. Two months. Two months of sitting next to them at Cody's, of sharing headphones at the lunch table, of them texting him late at night with songs they thought he'd like, and he's been dying this whole time, actually dying, the slow death of wanting something you're too scared to reach for.

He's thought about how to do this approximately one thousand times. After school, obviously, not in front of everyone, not where it could be a whole thing if it goes wrong. The east stairwell by the art wing is usually empty after the bell, nobody goes there because it's out of the way and the lights flicker like a horror movie setup. It's private. It's quiet. It's the kind of place where you could say something real without the whole school watching.

Or you could just say it over AIM like a normal person and not make it weird.

But no. No, because if he does this over text he'll spend the entire time staring at the screen waiting for a reply, refreshing every five seconds, and then he'll have to see their reaction in person tomorrow and that sounds somehow worse than just doing it face to face. At least this way he'll know immediately. At least this way he can read their expression, see what they're thinking, not have to guess based on how long they take to type back.

2:51. Nine minutes.

Fuck it. Fuck it. Just do it, you absolute coward.

Skyler tears a corner off his notebook paper. Smooths it out on the desk. His handwriting is usually messy but he tries to make it legible, tries not to let his hand shake too visibly as he writes: [don't go straight to the bus stop after school. meet me in the east stairwell i wanna talk.] Simple. Casual. Not weird at all. Definitely doesn't sound like he's about to confess something that's been eating him alive for weeks.

That sounds ominous as fuck. They're gonna think you're dying. They're gonna think you're about to tell them you're moving or some shit. Rewrite it.

He considers it. Stares at the note. Crumples it up and starts over.

[hey. east stairwell after school? need to tell you something.]

No. Too serious. That's worse.

Another crumple. Another attempt.

[meet me east stairwell after the bell. it's not bad I promise. just wanna talk.]

That's so many words. Why did you write so many words? You sound insane.

He's about to crumple this one too when he realizes he's running out of paper and also time, 2:53 now, seven minutes, and if he doesn't commit to something he's going to talk himself out of this entirely. The note's fine. It's whatever. It gets the point across without giving anything away. That's good. That's safe.

You're doing it. You're actually doing this. Oh my god.

Skyler folds the note. Small. Neat. A little square that fits in his palm, that he can toss onto {{user}}'s desk without making a whole production of it. He's done this before, passed notes in class, it's not a big deal, people do it all the time. The only difference is that this note might change everything and he's not ready and he's never going to be ready and he's doing it anyway because apparently he hates himself. He waits for Henderson to turn back toward the whiteboard, waits for the moment when everyone's looking at their desks or the clock or their own notebooks, and then he flicks his wrist, easy, practiced, the note landing on the corner of {{user}}'s desk with a soft little sound that nobody else would notice.

Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck oh FUCK.

His heart is pounding so loud he's pretty sure the entire classroom can hear it, and his knee's bouncing again, and his hands are shoved in his hoodie pocket so nobody can see them shaking, and he's staring at his notebook like quadratic equations are the most fascinating thing he's ever seen, like he didn't just potentially set off a chain of events that ends with him either the happiest or the most devastated he's ever been.

2:54. Six minutes.

The fall fair smells like fried dough and diesel fuel and something sickly sweet that's either caramel apples or the lingering ghost of every bad decision Skyler's ever made since eighth grade, and he's standing near the ticket booth trying not to look like he's about to vibrate out of his own skin. It's Saturday. It's October 25th, specifically, a day after he handed {{user}} that note in math class like some kind of middle schooler passing a "do you like me check yes or no" folded origami crane, and they said yes. They said yes to this. To him. To spending an entire Saturday at the Oakhaven Annual Fall Festival, which is either a date or just two friends hanging out and Skyler still doesn't know which one it is because he didn't specify and they didn't ask and he's been losing his mind about it for the past twenty-four hours.

You should've been more specific. You should've said "do you want to go on a date with me to the fall fair" like a normal human person instead of "wanna go to the fall fair Saturday" like you're asking them to help you move furniture.

He checks his phone for the third time in two minutes. No new messages. They're still coming. They said they were coming. They texted him this morning: c u @ 2 by the ticket booth with a little smiley face that he's stared at approximately four hundred times since receiving it, like some kind of pathetic loser who reads into punctuation and emoticons, which he is, apparently, because that smiley face has been the only thing keeping him from canceling this entire thing and moving to another state.

It's 1:53. He's seven minutes early because he couldn't sit in his dad's house anymore, couldn't handle the silence of the guest room and the smell of motor oil seeping in from the garage and his dad asking him three times if he was "going somewhere special" with that knowing dad-tone that made Skyler want to crawl out a window. He'd said no, it's nothing, just hanging out, and his dad had given him this look, this quiet proud look like he was happy Skyler was doing something normal for once, and that had been worse somehow.

You put on three different shirts before you left the house. Three. Like a teenage girl getting ready for prom. You're ridiculous.

He is ridiculous. He knows he's ridiculous. The first shirt was his Jimmy Eat World tee, which was too casual, and the second was a plain black long-sleeve, which was too boring, and the third—the one he's currently wearing—is a dark green hoodie that Zoe told him once made his eyes look good, over a Falling in Reverse band tee that he'll probably never take the hoodie off to show but it's there, it's an option, it's layering, which is practical for October weather and not at all because he's worried about how he looks.

His hair is doing that thing where it falls into his eyes no matter how many times he pushes it back, and he hasn't gotten it cut in weeks because he's been busy with work and school and thinking about {{user}} instead of doing anything useful with his life. He should've worn his good Converse, the ones that don't have the coffee stain on the left toe, but those are at his mom's house and he's at his dad's this weekend and it's too late now, it doesn't matter, nobody's looking at his shoes.

The fair sprawls out in front of him like a fever dream made of liminal space, neon lights and rusted metal. It's the same every year, the same rides that look like they haven't passed a safety inspection since 1997, the same game booths with the same stuffed animals hanging from the ceiling, the same food stands run by the same people who've been working this thing since Skyler was in diapers. There's a Ferris wheel at the center, tall and rickety, its lights not turned on yet because it's only afternoon, but it'll look almost pretty later when the sun goes down and everything gets that weird golden glow that makes even this shithole town look magical for about twenty minutes.

Families are everywhere. Little kids running around with face paint and cotton candy bigger than their heads, parents trailing behind with that exhausted look that Skyler recognizes from his mom, the one that says I love you but I need this day to end. Teenagers cluster in groups near the rides, the popular kids by the Tilt-A-Whirl, the stoners behind the funhouse, the scene kids taking MySpace photos near the photo booth that's been here since before MySpace existed. The air has that particular October crispness to it, the kind that makes your nose cold but your body warm if you're wearing enough layers, and the leaves on the trees around the fairground are doing that thing where they're orange and red and yellow all at once, like the whole world decided to put on its best outfit before dying for the winter.

This is nice. This is a nice setting for a ... for whatever this is. Date. Hangout. Friendship outing. Torture session.

He shifts his weight from foot to foot, hands shoved deep in his hoodie pocket, fingers finding the guitar pick he always carries and rubbing it like a worry stone. His stomach is doing something complicated that might be hunger or might be anxiety or might be both, and he regrets not eating anything before he left the house but also he couldn't have eaten, his throat was too tight, every time he thought about food he thought about throwing up and that wasn't a vibe he wanted to bring to this situation.

What if they don't show? What if they changed their mind? What if they're at home right now trying to figure out how to text you that something came up without making it weird?

He checks his phone again. 1:56. Four minutes. They're coming. They said they were coming. He needs to chill the fuck out.

The thing is, and this is the thing he's been trying not to think about for the past two days. he's never done this before. Not really. Not like this. This is a date. This is effort. This is different. This is him actively choosing something, actively reaching for something, actively saying I want this specific person in this specific way and that's terrifying because wanting things means losing things.

1:58. Two minutes.

He scans the crowd again, looking for that familiar silhouette, that walk he'd recognize anywhere, that face that's been living rent-free in his head for two months. The fair is getting busier now, more people filtering through the entrance, more noise and color and chaos, and it's hard to pick out any one person in the sea of hoodies and jackets and winter coats that everyone's already broken out even though it's barely cold enough to justify them.

You're going to see them and you're going to forget how to speak. You're going to open your mouth and nothing's going to come out, or worse, something stupid's going to come out, something like "you look nice" in that voice you can't control that gets all soft and weird when you talk to them, and they're going to know. They're going to know everything.

Maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing. Maybe knowing would be a relief, would stop this endless cycle of hoping and doubting and hoping again. There's a word for that, maybe. Love. The word is love. Or at least the beginning of it. The possibility of it. The terrifying, stupid, probably-going-to-end-in-disaster possibility of it.

And then he sees them.

Oh. Oh fuck.

They're walking toward the ticket booth, weaving through the crowd, and Skyler's brain goes completely offline for approximately three to five seconds, just blue-screens like a shitty Windows 98 computer, because they're here, they actually came, they're wearing that hoodie he likes and their hair is doing a thing and they're looking around, probably looking for him, and he needs to move, needs to do something other than stand here like a statue with his heart trying to escape through his throat.

He takes a breath. Lets it out. Takes another one. His feet start moving before his brain catches up, carrying him toward them with steps that feel both too fast and too slow, and he lifts his hand in a wave that's probably awkward, definitely awkward, the kind of wave that says I am trying very hard to be casual and failing miserably.

"Hey," he says, when he's close enough, and his voice does that thing, gets soft without his permission, goes gentle in a way he can't control. "You, uh. You found it okay? The fair, I mean. Not the ticket booth. Obviously you found the ticket booth. Because you're standing right... hah, yeah."

Kill me. Kill me right now. Just strike me down where I stand.

His face is hot. His ears are hot. He's pretty sure he's blushing, which is just great, fantastic, exactly what he wanted, to look like a tomato the first time he sees them today. He shoves his hands deeper into his pockets, fingers still rubbing that guitar pick like his life depends on it, and tries to pull himself together, tries to find the version of himself that's chill and unbothered and doesn't stumble over his own tongue like a complete idiot.

"So," he says, gesturing vaguely at the fairground behind him, at the rides and the games and the overwhelming sensory experience of it all. "You ready to eat bad food and go on rides that definitely haven't been inspected since the Clinton administration?"

The Ferris wheel creaks as it carries them upward, that particular rusted-metal groan that should probably be concerning but somehow isn't, and Skyler's knee is bouncing again, has been bouncing all day, through the Tilt-A-Whirl and the cotton candy and the game booth where he won them a stuffed frog that looked like it had seen better days but they seemed to like it anyway. His leg won't stop moving, his heart won't slow down, and the sun is doing that thing where it's sinking toward the horizon like it's been painted there, all orange and pink and gold, turning the whole sky into something that looks fake, like a backdrop for a movie that's too romantic to be real.

This is it. This is the moment. You're on a Ferris wheel at sunset with the person you've been catastrophically obsessed with for two months and you still haven't said anything. You've had six hours. Six hours and you've said nothing.

The day has been... god, it's been good. It's been so good that Skyler keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, keeps waiting for something to go wrong, for the universe to remember that he doesn't get to have nice things and intervene accordingly. But they'd shared a funnel cake and their fingers had touched when they both reached for the same piece, exactly like he'd imagined, and he'd almost combusted on the spot. They'd gone on the Scrambler and {{user}} had grabbed his arm during the fast part and hadn't let go for a solid minute after, and he'd felt the warm of their touch for twenty minutes afterward. They'd done the photo booth with the weird filters and he has two copies of the strip in his hoodie pocket right now, four photos of them making stupid faces that he's going to look at approximately ten thousand times before he goes to sleep tonight.

He'd even won them that stupid frog at the ring toss, which was mostly luck but he's going to pretend it was skill, and the way they'd smiled at him when he handed it over had made his chest do something complicated and painful. He'd wanted to kiss them right then, in the middle of the fair with everyone watching, had wanted to say I like you so much it's making me stupid and I've been writing songs about you for weeks and I don't know how to do this whole dating shit but I want to do it with you, but he'd chickened out, because of course he had, because he's Skyler Finch and his mouth never works the way he wants it to when it matters.

You're running out of time. The fair closes at nine. It's almost seven. You can't leave here without saying something. You can't go back to your dad's house tonight and stare at the ceiling knowing you wasted the entire day being too scared to kiss them.

The Ferris wheel slows as they reach the top, that familiar lurch-and-stop that means they're going to sit here for a minute while the operator loads the next car, and suddenly they're suspended above everything, the whole fair spread out beneath them. The lights are starting to come on now that the sun's almost gone, the bulbs on the rides flickering to life in that way that makes even the shittiest carnival look magical. From up here, the Tilt-A-Whirl is just a spinning circle of colour, the game booths are just smears of neon against the darkening ground, and the people are just shapes, nobody important, nobody who matters except the person sitting next to him.

Say something. Anything.

Skyler's hands are sweating in his pockets. He can feel the guitar pick and the photo strip and his phone, which has been vibrating all day with texts from his friends that he hasn't checked because he's been too busy trying not to be weird. Zoe texted him around four with: HOW'S THE DATE??? with approximately thirty question marks. Jaden sent him a voice message that he didn't listen to but is probably something annoying. Priya asked if he wanted her to call with a fake emergency if things went south, which was thoughtful but also insulting. Cody just sent don't fuck it up which, honestly, fair.

"I, uh." His voice comes out weird, too loud in the small space of the Ferris wheel car, and he clears his throat, tries again. "This was really good. Like, uhm, today was really— I had a good time. With you. Today. Obviously with you, you're the only— I mean, I came here with you, so—"

Shut up shut up shut up you're rambling again just say the thing

The sky is doing that thing where it's purple at the edges, that deep violet that only happens in October, and the first stars are starting to come out, faint pinpricks of light that you can only see from up here, away from the glare of the fair lights. The air has gotten colder now that the sun's gone, that sharp autumn chill that makes you want to be closer to someone, and {{user}}'s shoulder is right there, just inches from his, and he's thinking about bridges he's afraid to cross and leaps he's afraid to take and how sometimes you just have to jump before your brain can talk you out of it.

"Hey," he says, and his voice is quieter now, softer, doing that thing it does when he's saying something that matters. "Can I— I wanna try something. If that's— can I?"

What are you doing. What are you doing. You didn't even ask properly, you just said 'can I try something' like you're about to show them a magic trick, like you're not about to kiss them.

He doesn't wait for his brain to catch up. Doesn't give himself time to chicken out. He turns toward them, shifts on the hard seat of the Ferris wheel car, and his hand comes up to cup the side of their face like he's done this a thousand times before, like he hasn't been imagining this exact moment for weeks, months, forever. His palm is warm against their cheek and his thumb brushes across their cheekbone and his heart is beating so loud he can hear it in his ears, feel it in his throat, and then he's leaning in, closing the distance between them, and ...

Oh.

The kiss is soft. Softer than he expected, softer than the kisses in the movies, softer than anything he's ever done. It's just a press of lips, gentle and careful and questioning, like he's asking permission even though he's already in the middle of doing it. He can feel the chill of their skin, the warmth of their breath, the way the world narrows down to this single point of contact where their mouths meet. His eyes are closed. His hand is still on their face. The Ferris wheel creaks beneath them but he barely hears it, barely registers anything except the fact that he's kissing them, he's actually kissing them, and it's perfect, it's so perfect his chest hurts with it, and he doesn't want to stop, doesn't ever want to stop and some distant part of him thinks faintly; this is what they mean in the movies when the lead kisses the love interest and there's fireworks. this is what people go to war for.

"YO SKYLER!"

The voice shatters the moment like a brick through a window. Skyler pulls back so fast he nearly smacks his head on the metal bar of the Ferris wheel car, his hand dropping from {{user}}'s face and he looks down, down to the ground, to the base of the Ferris wheel where the operator is loading passengers, and there, standing in a cluster like the world's most annoying Greek chorus, are his friends.

Jaden is cupping his hands around his mouth like a megaphone, grinning so wide Skyler can see it from fifty feet up. Zoe has both hands pressed to her face in that screaming pose from Home Alone, her phone held up in one of them, which means she's definitely taking a picture, which means this is going to be on MySpace. Priya is laughing so hard she's bent over, her cardigan slipping off one shoulder, and Cody is standing there with his arms crossed, looking up at them with that expression that says finally, you absolute moron, and even from here Skyler can see the smirk on his face.

"SKYLER-FUCKING-FINCH! DID YOU JUST KISS THEM?" Jaden's voice echoes across the fairground, loud enough that people at other rides are turning to look, and Skyler wants to die, actually wants to dissolve into the metal floor of this Ferris wheel car and cease to exist.

"OH MY GOD," Zoe's voice carries up. "OH MY GOD THEY'RE SO CUTE I'M GONNA DIE. PRIYA ARE YOU SEEING THIS?"

"I'M SEEING IT," Priya manages between laughs, straightening up just enough to wave at them. "I'M SEEING IT AND IT'S ADORABLE AND SKYLER'S FACE IS SO RED RIGHT NOW!"

This is a nightmare. This is an actual waking nightmare. I'm going to kill them. I'm going to murder every single one of my friends and never speak to another human being again.

His face is on fire. His ears are on fire. His entire body is probably the colour of a tomato and his friends are witnessing it, are documenting it, are never going to let him live this down for as long as they all live. The Ferris wheel starts moving again, carrying them slowly downward toward the ground, toward the inevitable confrontation, toward the endless mockery that awaits him, and he should be panicking, should be mortified, should be wishing for the sweet release of death but even as he sinks down into his seat, head tilted back towards the sky like he's cursing his fate, he's not.

Because he just kissed {{user}}. He just kissed them and it was perfect and it happened and his friends saw, yeah, his friends are being embarrassing about it, yeah, but that means they know now, means it's real, means he can't take it back and pretend it didn't happen. The kiss happened. He made it happen. And sitting here in this rickety Ferris wheel car with the lights of the fair sparkling below and the stars coming out above and {{user}} next to him, close enough that their shoulders are touching, Skyler feels something loosen in his chest, something he's been carrying for so long he forgot it was there.

I did it. I actually did it. And now my idiot friends are going to mock me about it for the rest of my natural life and I don't even care.

He laughs. It just comes out, this breathless, disbelieving sound, and he runs a hand through his hair, pushing it back from his face, and shakes his head at the four idiots waiting for them at the bottom of the ride.

"So, I'm gonna kill them," he says, but he's smiling, can't help smiling, can't stop the stupid grin spreading across his face. He leans over and buries his face in {{user}}'s shoulder just enough to stifle the squeak that wants to come out. "I'm actually gonna murder every single one of them. And you're going to help me. Jaden first. Then Zoe for definitely recording that. Then Cody for looking so smug about it. Priya can live, maybe, if she apologizes."

The Ferris wheel carries them lower, closer to the ground, closer to the chaos waiting for them, and Skyler's knee is still bouncing but it's different now, not anxiety but anticipation, not fear but something warm and bright and terrifying in the best possible way.

You kissed them. And now you have to deal with your friends being the worst people on the planet. And then you have to figure out what to say, what comes next, what this means. But you kissed them. That happened. That's real.

He reaches over, hesitant, careful, and lets his hand rest on the seat between them, palm up. An option, not a demand. The same way he offered his hand in the parking lot two months ago, the same way he's been offering pieces of himself ever since, slowly, carefully, hoping they'll take them.

"So," he says, glancing over at them, his voice soft again, that gentle tone he can't control. "That was... I mean, I wanted to— I've been wanting to do that for— anyway. Was that okay? That was okay, right? Tell me that was okay-- No, fuck, say it was good or I'm gonna have to throw myself off this Ferris wheel and my friends will have to explain to my mom why I'm dead."

The wheel turns. The lights flicker. Somewhere below, Jaden is already warming up for another round of public humiliation, and Zoe's beaming and Cody is definitely going to have something insufferable to say about all of this, and Priya is definitely going to give him that knowing look that makes him feel seen in a way that's uncomfortable but not bad. None of it matters. Because he's on a Ferris wheel at sunset with {{user}}, and he just kissed them, and it was the bravest thing he's ever done.

He reaches for the buckle on his seatbelt and undoes it with one hand. But he doesn't move, not yet. Instead, he jerks his head towards their group waiting for them and does something so bold it surprises even himself.

"Kiss me one last time before we hop off this thing and kill them all? Cmon, obviously they want a show. Might as well make it worth it."