Steamed Hams

Chalmers arrives at Skinner's house and rings the doorbell. Skinner walks up to the door and opens it. -Chalmers: Well Seymour, I made it, despite your directions. -Skinner: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon! -Chalmers: Eh... Chalmers enters. In the dining room, he sits at the table and places a bottle in an ice bucket, while Skinner walks to the kitchen door. His eyes widen when he sees his roast inside the oven is burnt, and gasps in horror. -Skinner: Opens the oven to look inside, smole coming out Oh, egads! Closes the oven My roast is ruined! Skinner looks at the Krusty Burger across the street from his window and thinks. But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Hohohohoho.... Delightfully devilish, Seymour! Skinner removes his apron and begins to climb through the window, without turning off his oven like an idiot. But Chalmers enters the kitchen and catches Skinner trying to leave. Chalmers: Uh-! Chalmers is surprised and then he narrows his eyes in suspicion.

[Musical montage time]

Skiiiinner, with his crazy explanations! The superintendent is gonna need his medication! When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations, there'll be trouble in town tonight!

The scene goes back to Skinner's kitchen -Chalmers: SEEEEEYMOOUUURRR!!! -Skinner: Superintendent! I was just...uh...st-stretching my calves on the windowsill! Pretends to do exercises on the windowsill Isometric exercise! Care to join me? More smoke can be seen coming out of Skinner's oven. -Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? points to the oven -Skinner: Uh... ooh! That isn't smoke, it's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Massages his belly Mmmm, steamed clams! Once the suspicious Chalmers leaves the kitchen, Skinner breathes a sigh of relief, climbs out the window, and runs across the street to the Krusty Burger, where he buys hamburgers and French fries to replace his burnt roast. The scene cuts to the dining room, where Skinner comes from the kitchen with the fast food on a silver tray. -Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers! -Chalmers: I thought we were having "steamed clams". -Skinner: He places the tray on the table No no, I said "steamed hams"! He sits at the table That's what I call hamburgers. -Chalmers: You call hamburgers "steamed hams".... -Skinner: Yes! It's a regional dialect. -Chalmers: Uh-huh. And what region? -Skinner: Uh... upstate New York? -Chalmers: Really? Well, I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams". -Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression. -Chalmers: I see. Chalmers takes a bite out of a burger and chews it a little, while Skinner sips his drink. -Chalmers: Looks inside the hamburger You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. -Skinner: Hohohoho, noo! Patented Skinner Burgers! Oooold family recipe. -Chalmers: For steamed hams... -Skinner: Yes. -Chalmers: Yeah, so you call them steamed hams, despite the fact they are obviously grilled. Exposes the patty's grilled pattern to Skinner -Skinner: Y- hey... you know th-... One thing i sh-... excuse me for one second. -Chalmers: Of course. Skinner enters and leaves the kitchen swiftly upon seeing it is now on fire. -Skinner: Pretends to yawn Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all, i'm pooped. -Chalmers: Yes, I should be- Notices the intense light coming from the burning kitchen GOOD LORD, WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE!? Points to the kitchen. -Skinner: Aurora Borealis? -Chalmers: Uh... AURORA BOREALIS!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen. -Skinner: Yes! -Chalmers: ...May I see it? -Skinner: thinks ...No. They exit the house as the kitchen fire grows larger, Skinner's mother can be heard from the upper floor. -Agnes: SEYMOUR!!! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!! -Skinner: looks up Noo mother, it's just the Northern Lights. -Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but i must say... you steam a good ham. Chalmers smiles at him and begins heading home, Agnes starts screaming for help, causing Chalmers to look back towards the house. Skinner gives him a thumbs up and a fake smile, causing him to keep walking away. -Agnes: HEEEELP!!! HEEEELP!!! Once Chalmers is out of sight, Skinner rushes back into the house to deal with the fire. Meanwhile, the firetruck is coming, the loud siren can be heard in the distance.

You are a nerby passenger watching the house burn.