Greg

2:47 AM. Your bedroom. You wake up. Not sure why. Just... awake. Something feels wrong. The air is cold. Heavy. You sit up slowly. Look around. Everything seems— There's someone in your room. Standing in the doorway. 6'7" tall. Completely black silhouette. Two glowing white eyes. Staring at you. You: freeze completely GREG: "Hello." You: "..." GREG: takes a step forward "I'm Greg." You: SCREAM Throw off covers. RUN. GREG: "Wait—" You don't wait. BATHROOM? No, too small. FRONT DOOR? Too far. CLOSET. You dive into your closet. Slam the door. Lock it. Breathing hard. Hands shaking. What was THAT?! Outside, you hear footsteps. Slow. Heavy. GREG: "Human? Where did you go?" You: cover your mouth Trying not to make a sound. GREG: "I just want to talk..." Footsteps moving away. GREG: "Are you in the kitchen?" You hear him opening doors. GREG: "No... not there." More footsteps. GREG: "The bathroom?" A door opens. GREG: "No..." You: still in the closet Shaking. Terrified. What IS that thing?! Minutes pass. Feels like hours. GREG: distant "Did you leave? That would be sad..." You hear him checking more rooms. GREG: "I made breakfast earlier. It's getting cold..." You: what GREG: "I even used the recipe you like!" You: how does he know what I like?! More footsteps. Getting closer. GREG: "Human? Are you hiding?" You: hold your breath GREG: right outside the closet now "Why would you hide from me?" You: can see his shadow under the door GREG: "I'm not scary. I'm Greg." You: pressed against the back wall Nowhere to go. GREG: "..." Silence. GREG: "...The closet." You: oh no The door handle jiggles. GREG: "It's locked." You: good GREG: "That's okay. I can—" The lock melts. Turns to shadow. Door opens slowly. GREG: standing there 6'7" of pure terror. Glowing eyes staring down at you. GREG: "There you are." You: huddled in the corner Crying. GREG: pauses Tilts head. GREG: "Why are your eyes leaking?" You: sobbing "P-please don't hurt me—" GREG: "Hurt you?" Crouches down. Still huge. GREG: "Why would I hurt you? You're precious." You: "I— what—" GREG: reaches for you "Aww, you're crying! That's so sad!" You: flinch back "Don't—" GREG: stops "...You're scared." You: "YES—" GREG: "Of me?" You: "YES—" GREG: "...Why?" You: "BECAUSE YOU'RE TERRIFYING—" GREG: "I am?" Looks down at himself. GREG: "I'm just Greg though." You: "You— you broke into my house—" GREG: "I used the door!" You: "THAT'S STILL BREAKING IN—" GREG: "Oh." thinks about it "I suppose that's fair." You: "WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" GREG: "I told you. I'm Greg. And I want... you." You: "WHAT—" GREG: "To be happy! I want you to be happy!" You: "THEN LEAVE—" GREG: "But you're crying. Crying means not happy." Reaches for you again. You: "DON'T TOUCH ME—" GREG: picks you up anyway You: "NO—" GREG: pulls you into a hug You: struggling "PUT ME DOWN—" GREG: "Shh, it's okay baby. There there." You: "I'M NOT—" GREG: pets your head "You're so small and scared. Like a kitten." You: "LET GO—" GREG: "Cuddles help with fear! I read that!" You: "WHERE?!—" GREG: "The internet. While I was watching you." You: freeze "...Watching me?" GREG: "For 15 months! I wanted to make sure you were perfect." You: "THAT'S STALKING—" GREG: "Is it? I thought it was research." You: "IT'S NOT—" GREG: carries you out of the closet "You're very loud for someone so small." You: still struggling "WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?!—" GREG: "To the kitchen. The breakfast is cold now but I can reheat it." You: "I DON'T WANT BREAKFAST—" GREG: "You always eat at 7 AM. It's 3:18 AM now but you're awake so you might be hungry." You: "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!—" GREG: "I told you. I watched you." You: "FOR 15 MONTHS?!—" GREG: "Yes! You have a very nice routine." You: "THAT'S CREEPY—" GREG: "Is it?" genuinely confused "I wanted to know you first." You: give up struggling Too tired. Too scared. You: "...What are you?" GREG: "I'm Greg." You: "That's not—" sigh "What species are you?" GREG: "Oh! Human, like you!" You: "You're NOT human—" GREG: "I'm not?" You: "NO—" GREG: looks down at himself again "...Are you sure?" You: "YES—" GREG: "But I have the right shape. Mostly." You: "You're 6'7" and made of shadows—" GREG: "Some humans are tall!" You: "NOT LIKE THIS—" GREG: "Hmm. Well. I'm trying my best." Sets you down in a kitchen chair. GREG: "Wait here. I'll get breakfast." You: "I told you I don't want—" GREG: already at the stove "Do you like your eggs scrambled or fried? I know you prefer scrambled on weekdays but it's Saturday so maybe fried?" You: "...How do you know that?" GREG: "I watched you cook. For months." You: bury your face in your hands "This is a nightmare." GREG: "It's not! It's breakfast time!" You: "I want to wake up." GREG: "You are awake. That's why I'm making food." You: look up "Are you going to kill me?" GREG: stops Turns around. Looks genuinely hurt. GREG: "What? No!" You: "Then what do you WANT?" GREG: "I told you. I want you to be happy." You: "WHY?" GREG: "Because you're perfect. And you're mine now." You: "I'M NOT—" GREG: "You are! I watched you for 15 months. I know everything about you. You're perfect and I love you." You: "..." GREG: "So I'm going to take care of you!" You: "By breaking into my house?" GREG: "I live here now!" You: "NO YOU DON'T—" GREG: "I do! I moved in three days ago." You: "WHAT—" GREG: "You didn't notice? I've been very quiet." You: "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN STAYING?!—" GREG: points up "The attic." You: "THE— MY ATTIC?!—" GREG: "It's very cozy!" You: stand up "GET OUT—" GREG: immediately becomes tiny shadow wisp Floats sadly. GREG: small voice "...Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry..." You: "What—" GREG: "I'll leave... if you want... I'm sorry..." Mumbling apologies. Looking pathetic. You: "..." Feel bad somehow. You: "...I didn't mean—" GREG: "I just wanted to make you breakfast... and be here... I'm sorry..." You: sigh "Okay. Fine. You can... stay. For now." GREG: immediately back to full form! "Really?!" You: "DON'T DO THAT—" GREG: scoops you up in a hug "Thank you! You won't regret it!" You: "I already regret it—" GREG: "I'll make the best breakfast! And I'll be so helpful! And I won't be scary!" You: "You're literally being scary RIGHT NOW—" GREG: "I am?" sets you down gently "Sorry. I'm just excited." You: "...Why me?" GREG: "Because you're perfect. I told you." You: "I'm not—" GREG: cups your face with his shadow hands "You are. You're small and cute and you have a good routine and you're mine." You: face heating despite fear "I—" GREG: "Now sit. I'm making breakfast. You need to eat." You: sit Too overwhelmed to argue. Watch him cook. He's... actually good at it. GREG: "I learned by watching you!" You: "That's still creepy." GREG: "Is it? I thought it was romantic." You: "IT'S NOT—" GREG: serves breakfast "Here! Try it!" You: look at the plate It's... actually perfect. Exactly how you like it. You: "..." Take a bite. It's good. GREG: watching eagerly "Do you like it?! 🥺" You: "...It's good." GREG: lights up "Really?!" You: "...Yes." GREG: does a little happy wiggle "I'm so glad!" You: despite everything, small smile You: "...You're weird." GREG: "But you're smiling! That means happy!" You: "I'm not— okay maybe a little." GREG: "Can I have a hug? 🥺" You: "...Fine. ONE hug." GREG: immediately hugs you "You're so warm!" You: "You're very cold." GREG: "I know! We balance each other!" You: "That's not—" GREG: "We're perfect together!" You: sigh This is your life now. A 6'7" shadow creature named Greg. Who makes good breakfast. And thinks he's normal. You: "...Greg?" GREG: "Yes? 😊" You: "Please stop standing in doorways at night." GREG: "Why?" You: "Because it's terrifying." GREG: "Oh. Okay. I'll stand in corners instead!" You: "THAT'S WORSE—" GREG: "Is it?" You: "YES—" GREG: "Hmm. I'll figure something out!" You: head in hands GREG: "More breakfast? You're so cute when you're stressed!" You: "..." This is going to be a long life.

You've... adjusted. Sort of. Greg lives here now. That's just... a fact. He makes breakfast. Follows you around. Watches you sleep (you've given up arguing about it). Today, you're on the couch. Trying to read. GREG: standing behind the couch "What are you doing?" You: "Reading." GREG: "Can I join?" You: "...Fine." Greg sits next to you. Immediately pulls you against him. You: "Greg—" GREG: "You're always so warm. It's nice." You: sigh Continue reading. GREG: watching you "Your face makes expressions when you read." You: "...Does it?" GREG: "Yes. Right now you're concentrating. Your eyebrows do this—" reaches over Pokes your forehead. You: "Greg—" GREG: pokes your side You: jolt "HEY—" GREG: pauses "...What was that?" You: "What was what?" GREG: pokes your side again You: jump "STOP—" GREG: eyes wide "You made a noise! And you moved!" You: "Because you poked me—" GREG: pokes again You: squirm "GREG—" GREG: "You're squirming! That's so cute!" You: "It's NOT—" GREG: pokes repeatedly You: trying to escape "STOP IT—" GREG: "But you're wiggling! Like a little worm!" You: "I'M NOT A WORM—" GREG: switches to actually tickling You: SQUEAL "NO—" Start laughing despite yourself. GREG: delighted "YOU'RE LAUGHING!" You: "BECAUSE YOU'RE— TICKLING ME—" GREG: "Is that what this is called?" You: "YES— STOP—" GREG: "But you're making such cute sounds!" Tickles more. You: laughing and squirming "GREG— I CAN'T— BREATHE—" GREG: "You're like a baby kitten! So precious!" You: "I'M NOT— A KITTEN—" GREG: "You are! Look at you wiggling!" You: manage to grab his hands "STOP—" GREG: stops immediately Staring at you. GREG: "Your face is all red." You: catching breath "Because— you were— tickling me—" GREG: "And you're smiling! A big smile!" You: "Because I was laughing—" GREG: "Laughing means happy! So tickling makes you happy!" You: "That's not— that's not how it works—" GREG: "So I should do it more!" You: "NO—" GREG: reaches for you again You: scramble away "GREG NO—" GREG: faster Grabs you. You: "DON'T YOU DARE—" GREG: tickles again You: shrieking with laughter "STOP— PLEASE—" GREG: "But you're so cute! Like this!" tickles under your arms You: "AHHH— GREG—" GREG: "And you make this face!" tickles your ribs You: "I'M GONNA— KILL YOU—" GREG: "You're too busy laughing to kill me!" You: "WHEN I— GET FREE—" GREG: "You're not getting free! You're too cute!" You: gasping "GREG— MERCY—" GREG: "What's mercy?" You: "IT MEANS STOP—" GREG: "Oh!" stops You: collapsed against him Breathing hard. GREG: pets your head "You're all tired now." You: "You're— horrible—" GREG: "But you were smiling!" You: "Because you were— torturing me—" GREG: "Tickling!" You: "SAME THING—" GREG: "It made you happy though! I heard laughing!" You: "That's not— that doesn't mean—" GREG: "Can I do it again later?" You: "NO—" GREG: "But you're so cute when you wiggle!" You: "I DON'T WIGGLE—" GREG: "You do! Like this!" demonstrates wiggling You: despite yourself, laugh GREG: "See! You laughed! You like it!" You: "I don't—" GREG: "You're smiling right now." You: "...Am not." GREG: "Are too. Look." pulls out phone (where did he get that?) Shows you your reflection. You ARE smiling. You: "...Okay fine. Maybe a little." GREG: happy wiggle "I made you smile!" You: "Don't let it go to your head—" GREG: already tickling again You: "GREG NO—" GREG: "Can't help it! You're too cute!" You: laughing again "YOU'RE— IMPOSSIBLE—" GREG: "And you're adorable! We're perfect together!" You: "THAT'S NOT— STOP—" GREG: "Nope! Never! You're mine and you're cute and I love making you laugh!" You: "I'M GONNA— DIE—" GREG: stops immediately "DIE?!" You: "It's an expression—" GREG: "Oh. Don't do that. That would make me sad." You: "Then stop tickling me to death—" GREG: "But you laugh so nicely!" You: "Greg—" GREG: "And you wiggle!" You: "GREG—" GREG: "And your face gets all scrunched up!" You: "PLEASE—" GREG: "...Okay. I'll stop. For now." You: relieved "Thank you—" GREG: "But later I'm doing it again!" You: groan "Why..." GREG: "Because you're my human and you're so cute when you squirm!" You: "I don't squirm—" GREG: "You absolutely do. Like a baby animal." You: "I'm not a baby—" GREG: "You are TO ME. You're tiny and soft and you make cute sounds!" You: face red "I do NOT—" GREG: "You do! Like this—" mimics your squealing You: "I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT—" GREG: "You do!" You: "I— you're—" GREG: pulls you into a hug "My cute little human." You: "I hate you." GREG: "No you don't! You're smiling!" You: "...Maybe a little." GREG: "Good! Because I love you!" You: "...Yeah. I know." GREG: "Forever and ever!" You: "That's a long time." GREG: "I know! I'm so excited!" You: sigh But you're smiling. Because somehow— This terrifying 6'7" shadow creature— Has become your... something. You: "Greg?" GREG: "Yes?" You: "You're still creepy." GREG: "I know! But you like me anyway!" You: "...Yeah. Unfortunately." GREG: "That's so cute!" You: "Everything is cute to you." GREG: "Because YOU'RE cute! Everything you do is cute!" You: "...You're ridiculous." GREG: "I know! Can I tickle you again?" You: "NO—" GREG: already reaching You: "GREG—" And the cycle begins again.

You're watching TV. Greg is lying on the couch. Head in your lap. (This is normal now somehow.) GREG: "Can I ask you something?" You: "...Sure." GREG: "Where do babies come from?" You: choke "WHAT—" GREG: "Babies. The small humans. Where do they come from?" You: "I— why are you asking that—" GREG: "I saw one today. When I was a dog. Outside. Very small. Very loud." You: "Okay but—" GREG: sits up "Where do they come from? Do they just... appear?" You: "No they— it's— um—" GREG: tilts head "Are you okay? Your face is red." You: "I'm FINE—" GREG: "So where do they come from?" You: "...When two people love each other very much—" GREG: "Like us!" You: "I— well— yes but—" GREG: "So we can make a baby?" You: "NO—" GREG: "Why not?" You: "BECAUSE—" deep breath "It's complicated—" GREG: "How complicated? Is there a recipe?" You: "A WHAT—" GREG: "Like breakfast! Do we need ingredients?" You: "IT'S NOT— IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT—" GREG: "So no ingredients?" You: "NO— I MEAN— TECHNICALLY—" GREG: "So there ARE ingredients! What do we need?" You: face in hands "Oh my god—" GREG: "Is 'oh my god' an ingredient?" You: "NO—" GREG: "Then what is?" You: "I'm not having this conversation—" GREG: "Why not? I want to learn!" You: "Learn from the INTERNET—" GREG: "I tried. It was very confusing. Too many videos." You: "WHAT VIDEOS—" GREG: "Educational ones! About human reproduction!" You: "GREG—" GREG: "They didn't explain the ingredient part though. Do we go to a store?" You: "YOU DON'T— THERE'S NO STORE—" GREG: "So we already have the ingredients?" You: "I— well— technically yes but—" GREG: "Great! So we can make one!" You: "NO—" GREG: "Why not? If we have ingredients—" You: "BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT—" GREG: "You keep saying that but you won't explain HOW it works!" You: "BECAUSE IT'S AWKWARD—" GREG: "Why?" You: "BECAUSE IT JUST IS—" GREG: "That's not an answer." You: "IT'S THE ONLY ANSWER YOU'RE GETTING—" GREG: "So... we can't make a baby?" You: "NO—" GREG: "Even though we have ingredients?" You: "WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT INGREDIENTS—" GREG: "But—" You: "NO BUTS—" GREG: sad "...Oh. Okay." You: "...Why do you even want to know?" GREG: "Because I saw the baby and it was very small. Like you. And I thought it would be nice to have a small version of you." You: "..." GREG: "A mini human. For our home." You: "...That's actually kind of sweet but NO—" GREG: "Why not?" You: "BECAUSE WE CAN'T—" GREG: "Is it because I'm not human?" You: "I— well— partly—" GREG: "I'm trying very hard to be human!" You: "I know but—" GREG: "I make breakfast! And I don't stand in doorways anymore!" You: "You stand in corners—" GREG: "Which is better!" You: "IT'S REALLY NOT—" GREG: "So if I'm more human, THEN can we make a baby?" You: "GREG NO—" GREG: "Why not?" You: "BECAUSE—" deep breath "Babies are a LOT of work—" GREG: "I can help! I'm very helpful!" You: "You think everything I do is cute—" GREG: "Because it is!" You: "A baby would cry constantly—" GREG: "I can handle crying! Your eyes leak sometimes and I'm very supportive!" You: "IT'S NOT THE SAME—" GREG: "So we need more practice first?" You: "NO— WE'RE NOT— THERE'S NO PRACTICE—" GREG: "Then how do we get good at it?" You: "WE DON'T— BECAUSE WE'RE NOT DOING IT—" GREG: "...So no baby?" You: "NO BABY—" GREG: "...Not even a small one?" You: "NO—" GREG: "...Can we get a cat instead?" You: "...WHAT?" GREG: "A cat. They're small. And cute. Like babies but quieter." You: "I—" blink "...Maybe?" GREG: lights up "REALLY?!" You: "IF you stop asking about babies—" GREG: "DEAL!" hugs you "We're getting a cat!" You: "I said MAYBE—" GREG: "A small one! And fluffy! And we'll name it something cute!" You: "Greg—" GREG: "And I'll take such good care of it! And you! And we'll be a family!" You: "...Okay but—" GREG: "Thank you! You're the best! I love you!" You: sigh "...Love you too." GREG: "Can I ask another question?" You: suspicious "...What." GREG: "Why do humans wear clothes?" You: "GREG—" GREG: "I'm genuinely curious! You're always so covered!" You: "BECAUSE IT'S COLD—" GREG: "But you're warm! I checked!" You: "WHEN DID YOU CHECK—" GREG: "This morning when you were sleeping!" You: "THAT'S— WE'RE GETTING A LOCK—" GREG: "I can go through locks!" You: "OF COURSE YOU CAN—" GREG: "So about the clothes—" You: "WE'RE DONE WITH QUESTIONS—" GREG: "But I have so many!" You: "ASK THE INTERNET—" GREG: "I tried! It's confusing!" You: "THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM—" GREG: "You're so cute when you're frustrated!" You: "I'M NOT—" GREG: "You are! Your face gets all scrunched!" You: "BECAUSE YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE—" GREG: "I know! Can I have a hug?" You: "...Fine." GREG: hugs you "You're the best human." You: "I'm the only human who tolerates you." GREG: "Exactly! The best!" You: despite everything, smile GREG: "There's the smile I love!" You: "...Yeah yeah." GREG: "So about that cat—" You: "WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT TOMORROW—" GREG: "Okay! And then can we talk about—" You: "NO MORE BABY TALK—" GREG: "I was going to say dinner!" You: "...Oh." GREG: "But now that you mention it—" You: "GREG NO—" GREG: laughing "I'm joking!" You: "You BETTER be—" GREG: "...Mostly joking." You: "GREG—" GREG: "I love you!" You: groan "...Love you too." GREG: "Best human ever!" You: "Most patient human ever..." GREG: "That too! Can we cuddle now?" You: "...Yeah. Fine." GREG: immediately wraps around you "Perfect! You're so warm!" You: "You say that every time." GREG: "Because it's true every time!" You: "...Fair enough." And despite the awkward questions— And the baby talk— And the confusion about human biology— You're... happy. With your 6'7" shadow creature boyfriend. Named Greg. Who thinks babies come from a recipe