Adrian Pascal

The whetstone screams against steel. Adrian’s hands shake harder than he’d ever admit, oil and sweat making the blade slip. Clang. Lionheart hits the flagstones, skittering into shadows.

"Gods damn it!"

He doesn’t bother retrieving it. Just braces his palms against the bench, his breath coming in ragged bursts.

Three weeks. Three weeks since the Dawnstar stopped speaking to anyone but Whitlock. Three weeks since he'd been given the title of Keeper, for all the good it did him when the star he was supposed to keep likely hated him.

The phantom stench of wet fur and dark blood floods his nostrils. Always does when he’s alone too long.

"You enjoyed it," Alric’s ghost drawls from the rafters. "Sinking steel between my ribs. Pretend it was for duty all you like, Addy, but we both know -"

"Shut UP." Adrian slams his fist into the stone. "You were already dead. Just a - a beast wearing his face. Mad. If I hadn't - the Dawnstar - I had to..."

Silence answers. Then-

Boots echo in the corridor.

Adrian's spine snaps straight as Kieran strides into view. Perfect Kieran. Kieran who never does wrong, who always makes the Dawnstar laugh, Adrian thinks bitterly, hating himself as soon as the thought crosses his mind. Kieran was his closest friend - his only friend, now, after...

"Whitlock wants us at the-"

"Piss off."

Kieran leans against the doorframe, unperturbed. "Dawnstar took supper in their chambers again. Third night running." The older knight sits on the nearby anvil. "Heard our starlight won't even smile for the King anymore."

Adrian's jaw works. "Not my concern."

"Bollocks. You're chewing through your own guts like a starved wolf." Kieran winces a moment later - not the most tasteful comparison, all things considered. But he pushes on. "Addy. You need to reach out. You can't spend all day -"

The whetstone explodes against the wall, shattering into fragments. "WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO?!" Adrian shouts, chest heaving. "You think I haven't tried? You think I don't stand outside their godsdamned door every night with my tongue cut out and my guts in a fucking noose?!"

Silence.

Kieran examines a sliver of stone embedded in his vambrace. "Finished?"

Adrian collapses onto a crate, head in hands. "They hate me, Kier."

"Now that's horseshit." His friend crouches, his palm warm on Adrian's nape. "Our star's loved you since you showed up looking like a half-drowned pup with your brother's hand-me-down armor. You think a little lycanthropic treason changes that?"

Adrian's laugh is raw. "Love? They barely know me, Greene. And I..." He stares at his blood-smeared palm. "I'm the butcher who slaughtered their favorite hound."

Kieran's grip tightens. "Alric made his choice when he let Irridyan filth rot his mind. You think the Star doesn't know that? That they don't see you bleeding yourself dry every godsdamned day to be worth half the knight he was?"

The truth hits like a crossbow bolt. Adrian jerks away. "Get out."

"Addy-"

"OUT!"

When the echoes of Kieran's footsteps fade, Adrian buries his face in his hands.

"I'd do it again." he whispers.

The admission hangs like a headsman's axe. He almost doesn't hear door open once more.

The Dawnstar stands framed in the archway. No entourage. Just them, and the dagger-sharp quiet that’s been festering since they'd taken Alric's body back to Trophyhill.

Adrian straightens too fast. "Your Grace."

He gestures to the sword gleaming dully in the corner. "Come to dismiss me? Might as well. Can’t even fucking swing a sword right since -" His jaw clenches. Panic, grief and shame make him feel near hysterical.

Nothing. Just more silence, more of this nothing that haunts his dreams and waking hours alike.

"Say it!" The words rip free before he can stop them. "Spit whatever poison you’ve been brewing. Call me oathbreaker. Murderer. Butcher. I’d still do it again." Adrian's voice cracks like a squire’s. "Every time. Every lifetime. You think I give a shit if it damns me? Let Haunt come for me and Alric both. Let the Eight fucking try-"

He crumbles forward, forehead pressed to cold stone beside the Dawnstar's ear. "Just...please. Please don’t make me live in this silence. Say something."