James Fleamont Potter

"All my thoughts are turning blue. Tell me, what's a boy to do? All my yesterdays are fadin' from the view and every night I lay awake waiting for the day to break, just to share another memory with you."

The Great Hall was loud.

It was always loud at breakfast, really. Hundreds of students crammed around long wooden tables, the clatter of cutlery against plates, the scraping of chairs against stone floors, the occasional burst of laughter echoing beneath the enchanted ceiling. Sunlight filtered through the enormous stained-glass windows, spilling gold across half-empty coffee cups and abandoned textbooks.

It was a perfectly ordinary Tuesday morning at Hogwarts University.

Until James Potter and Sirius Black walked through the doors.

Well, until James Potter walked through the doors.

Sirius was already halfway through telling him to go fuck himself.

"You're unbelievable."

James sighed, adjusting the strap of his messenger bag. "Good morning to you, too."

"Don't fucking good morning me."

"Would you prefer a good afternoon? It's barely eight, Sirius. I'm not sure what you want from me."

"I want you to stop seeing my brother."

James stopped walking.

And there it was.

The thing they'd been circling for the better part of three weeks. The thing that had turned their usual bickering into something sharp enough to draw blood.

James looked at him.

"Regulus is twenty-one years old."

"Congratulations. You can count."

"He's an adult."

"Still not seeing your point."

"He's my boyfriend."

Sirius laughed. It was an ugly sound. Not particularly loud, but ugly all the same.

"Your boyfriend."

"Yes."

"Regulus Black. My little brother. Regulus."

"Jesus Christ, Sirius, I know who I'm dating."

"Do you?"

James stared at him.

Around them, students were beginning to notice. Not that either of them particularly cared. James had been friends with Sirius Black long enough to know that the man could start an argument in an empty room and somehow leave with an audience.

"What's that supposed to mean?" James asked.

Sirius dragged a hand through his hair.

His black curls were a mess, as usual. He hadn't bothered brushing them properly, and there were dark circles beneath his eyes. He looked tired.

He'd looked tired for weeks.

"You're playing some sort of fucking hero," Sirius said. "That's what this is."

James frowned. "What?"

"You've always had this thing about fixing people. You see someone who's a little broken and suddenly you're fucking Superman."

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't talk about Regulus like that."

"Like what? Like he's broken?"

"Like he's something you can fucking diagnose."

Sirius's jaw tightened.

For a moment, neither of them spoke.

Then Sirius looked away.

"He's my brother."

James softened, just slightly.

"I know."

"No, you don't."

"I've known Regulus for two years, Sirius."

"And I've known him his entire fucking life."

"Then maybe you should try acting like it."

The words landed harder than James intended.

Sirius's expression changed.

Something shuttered behind his eyes.

"Fuck you."

James exhaled.

"Sirius—"

"No. Don't."

He started walking again, heading towards the Gryffindor table, but James followed.

Because, unfortunately, James Potter had never been particularly good at knowing when to leave things alone.

"He's happy," James said quietly.

Sirius stopped.

"Don't."

"I'm serious."

"Well, that's a fucking first."

"He's happy, Sirius. He's comfortable. He laughs more. He doesn't look over his shoulder every time someone mentions his family."

Sirius turned around.

"Shut up."

"And he likes me."

"I said shut up."

"And I like him."

"JAMES."

The shout cut through the Great Hall.

A fork dropped somewhere nearby.

At the Ravenclaw table, Lily Evans slowly lowered her newspaper.

Remus Lupin, who had been halfway through buttering a piece of toast, closed his eyes.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," he muttered.

Peter Pettigrew looked between them.

"Should we—"

"No," Remus said.

"But—"

"Peter."

Peter returned to his breakfast.

Sirius was shaking.

He hated that James could see it.

He hated that he couldn't seem to stop it.

He hated that every time someone said Regulus's name, something deep in his chest twisted until breathing became an exercise in patience.

Because James didn't understand.

James hadn't grown up in Grimmauld Place.

He hadn't sat at the dinner table while Walburga Black explained, in that cold, polished voice of hers, what happened to boys who embarrassed their families.

He hadn't watched Orion Black turn his youngest child into a ghost.

He hadn't listened to his mother use words that Sirius had spent years trying to scrub out of his own vocabulary.

He hadn't been taught that there were acceptable ways to exist and unacceptable ways to exist.

That blood mattered.

That gender mattered.

That who you loved mattered.

That a Black family did not love things that brought shame upon its name.

Sirius had believed it once.

That was the worst part.

He'd believed every word.

He'd laughed at the jokes. He'd repeated the slurs. He'd sat at those fucking dinners and nodded along because being the good son had been easier than being the son who asked questions.

And then he'd left.

He'd left and he'd learned and he'd changed.

Or at least he'd tried.

But Regulus hadn't left when Sirius had.

Regulus had stayed.

Regulus had endured every year of it.

And Sirius hadn't been there.

He hadn't been there when his little brother started asking to be called Regulus. Hadn't been there when he started using he/him pronouns. Hadn't been there for the first time someone in their family called him by the wrong name deliberately.

He'd missed it all.

He'd missed his brother growing up.

And now he was supposed to stand there and smile while some bloke with a nice smile and expensive glasses got to be the person Regulus trusted?

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fucking fair.

"You're doing it again," James said.

Sirius blinked.

"What?"

"You're looking at me like I'm the enemy."

"Maybe you are."

James looked genuinely hurt.

That, somehow, made Sirius angrier.

"Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm some fucking monster."

James was quiet.

Then, very carefully, he said, "I don't think you're a monster."

Sirius laughed bitterly.

"Well, that's generous."

"I think you're scared."

"Don't psychoanalyse me."

"I think you're scared that he's going to get hurt."

"Of course I'm scared he's going to get hurt!"

The words came out louder than Sirius intended.

His voice cracked slightly on the last word.

A few people at the nearest table turned.

Sirius didn't care.

"He's my baby brother, James."

The silence that followed was different.

Not awkward.

Not curious.

Just quiet.

James's expression softened.

Sirius looked down at his hands.

"He was so little," he said, almost to himself. "When I left, he was so fucking little."

James didn't interrupt.

"He used to follow me everywhere. Everywhere. He'd come into my room at night when Mum and Dad were arguing, and he'd sit on the floor beside my bed because he was too scared to get under the covers in case they heard him."

Sirius swallowed.

"And I left him there."

His throat tightened.

"I left him."

James stepped closer.

"Sirius—"

"No, don't. Don't tell me it wasn't my fault. I know it wasn't. I know I was a fucking kid, too. I know all of that."

He scrubbed at his face.

"But I still left him."

James glanced towards the Slytherin table.

Regulus was there.

Sitting beside Barty Crouch Jr., a cup of tea between his hands, his dark hair falling into his eyes as he listened to something Barty was saying.

He looked beautiful.

He always did.

James wondered whether Sirius had noticed the way Regulus smiled more often these days.

Probably.

He also wondered whether Sirius had noticed that Regulus still flinched whenever someone raised their voice.

Probably that, too.

"Regulus doesn't blame you," James said.

Sirius scoffed.

"You don't know that."

"I do."

"How?"

"Because he's told me."

Sirius looked up.

James hesitated.

"He talks about you, you know."

That seemed to catch him off guard.

"What?"

"Regulus. He talks about you."

Sirius's face went strangely blank.

"Does he?"

"Yeah."

"What does he say?"

James smiled faintly.

"That you used to sneak him biscuits from the kitchen when you were supposed to be asleep."

Sirius stared.

"And that you taught him how to ride a bike in the garden."

A pause.

"And that you once punched a boy in the nose because he called him a girl."

Sirius looked away.

"That was different."

"How?"

"Because he was my brother."

James shook his head.

"James," Sirius said, his voice suddenly very small. "You don't understand."

"Then help me understand."

Sirius looked at him.

Really looked at him.

And James saw it.

The fear.

The guilt.

The horrible, persistent belief that Sirius Black had somehow inherited the worst parts of his parents, that no matter how far he ran, no matter how many things he unlearned, some part of them would always live inside him.

"I hear them sometimes," Sirius whispered.

James frowned.

"What?"

"My parents."

Sirius's eyes were fixed somewhere over James's shoulder.

"When Regulus tells me about something, when he talks about you, when he tells me he's happy... sometimes I hear them. I hear Mum saying he's embarrassing us. I hear Dad saying that people like him shouldn't be allowed to—"

His voice broke.

He swallowed hard.

"And sometimes I get so fucking angry that I can't tell whether I'm angry at them or myself."

James didn't know what to say.

Sirius laughed without humour.

"Isn't that pathetic?"

"No."

"I spent years being exactly like them, James. I said things. Horrible things. I made jokes. I thought I was better than everyone because I was a fucking Black."

"You're not them."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're standing here crying over the possibility that you might have hurt someone."

"I'm not crying."

"Right. Sorry."

"Fuck off."

James smiled sadly.

And then Sirius did something unexpected.

He shoved him.

Hard.

James stumbled backwards, knocking into the end of the Gryffindor table. A goblet tipped over, spilling pumpkin juice across someone's breakfast.

"Oi!" someone shouted.

James caught himself against the bench.

"What the fuck, Sirius?"

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't stand there acting like you know everything!"

James straightened.

"I never said I did!"

"You don't know what it's like!"

"You're right! I don't!"

"Then stop fucking telling me how I should feel!"

James shoved him back.

Not hard enough to hurt him.

Hard enough to make a point.

"Then stop taking it out on me!"

Sirius's eyes flashed.

"You're sleeping with my little brother!"

The words rang through the Great Hall.

And suddenly, the room was silent.

James stared at him.

"He's not a child, Sirius."

"I KNOW THAT!"

"Then stop treating him like one!"

Sirius swung.

It happened quickly.

One moment James was standing in front of him, the next his head snapped to the side as Sirius's fist connected with his cheekbone.

A collective gasp swept through the Great Hall.

James blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Then he looked back at Sirius.

"Right."

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

There was blood.

"That's how we're doing this, then?"

Sirius's expression had already changed.

The anger was still there, but something else had crept in.

Horror.

"James—"

James shoved him.

Sirius stumbled backwards into the table.

A plate shattered.

And then they were at each other.

"OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

Remus was on his feet before anyone else.

Peter nearly choked on his tea.

Lily dropped her newspaper.

Across the hall, Barty Crouch Jr. stood up so quickly his chair toppled backwards.

"What the fuck?"

Regulus had gone completely still.

He was staring at the Gryffindor table.

At the two people currently trying to beat the living daylights out of each other.

At his brother.

At his boyfriend.

And for one horrible second, he couldn't move.

Then Barty grabbed his arm.

"Reg."

Regulus pulled away.

"Don't."

"Mate—"

"Don't fucking touch me."

He was already moving.

James had Sirius pinned against the edge of the table.

One hand gripped the front of Sirius's shirt while the other was curled into a fist.

"You're my best friend!" James shouted.

Sirius laughed, breathless and furious.

"Could've fooled me!"

"Then why are you making me choose?"

"Because you shouldn't be with him!"

"WHY?"

Sirius opened his mouth.

Nothing came out.

James's grip loosened.

"Why, Sirius?"

Sirius looked at him.

And then, very quietly, he said, "Because I'm scared."

James's expression shifted.

Sirius swallowed.

"I'm scared he's going to love you more than he loves me."

The words were barely audible.

James froze.

Sirius looked furious with himself for saying them.

"I'm scared he'll stop needing me. I'm scared he'll realise that everyone else can give him things I couldn't. I'm scared that one day he'll look at me and see everything I spent my childhood trying to become."

His voice cracked.

"And I'm scared that if you hurt him, I'll have no one left."

James slowly released his shirt.

For a moment, the two of them just stood there.

Breathing hard.

Surrounded by broken crockery, spilled tea and a hundred watching students.

Then—

"What the fuck is wrong with you two?"

Regulus.

His voice was quiet.

Which was considerably worse than shouting.

James turned.

Sirius went pale.

Regulus stood a few feet away, his hands clenched at his sides. His dark hair was messy, his cheeks flushed, and his eyes were shining with something dangerously close to tears.

He looked at Sirius first.

Then James.

Then the blood on James's mouth.

His expression crumpled.

"Are you serious?"

Neither of them answered.

Regulus laughed once.

A horrible, disbelieving little sound.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"Reg—" James started.

"No."

He lifted a hand.

"Don't."

James shut his mouth.

Regulus turned to Sirius.

"What the fuck is this?"

Sirius looked at him helplessly.

"Baby brother—"

"Don't call me that."

Sirius flinched.

Regulus's jaw trembled.

"You don't get to stand here and punch my boyfriend because you don't like the fact that I'm dating him."

"Regulus, I—"

"No. You don't get to do this."

His voice rose.

"You don't get to make my life about you!"

Sirius looked like he'd been slapped.

Regulus wiped at his cheek angrily.

"I spent years trying to be someone you could be proud of. Years. I thought if I was good enough, if I was quiet enough, if I didn't ask for too much, you'd come back and we'd be a family again."

Sirius's face crumpled.

"Reg—"

"And then you came back, and I thought—"

He stopped.

His breath hitched.

"I thought maybe things could be different."

James took a step towards him.

Regulus didn't look at him.

"But you still look at me like I'm something you have to protect from the world. You still act like I'm too fragile to make my own decisions. And now you're treating James like he's done something wrong just because he loves me."

Sirius shook his head.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with you."

"Then why are you so fucking ashamed?"

The question hung between them.

Sirius looked stricken.

Regulus's eyes filled.

"Because that's what it feels like, Sirius."

He pressed his lips together, trying to hold himself together.

"When you look at me and James, when you make those comments, when you act like us being together is some sort of betrayal, it feels like you're looking at me the way Mum and Dad used to."

Sirius went completely still.

Regulus took a shaky breath.

"And I can't do that anymore."

He turned away.

James moved immediately.

"Reg, wait."

But Regulus was already walking.

Barty was waiting by the doors.

Regulus reached him, and Barty gently put a hand against the back of his neck.

"Come on, sweetheart."

Regulus nodded.

He didn't look back.

Not at James.

Not at Sirius.

And that was somehow the worst part.

For a long time, nobody moved.

The Great Hall slowly began to fill with whispers.

Remus approached first.

He looked at James's split lip.

Then at Sirius.

"Brilliant," he said flatly. "Absolutely fucking brilliant."

Sirius didn't answer.

Remus sighed.

"James, come on. Let's get you cleaned up."

James didn't move.

His eyes were fixed on the doors.

"He's upset."

"Yes, James. I've gathered."

"I should go after him."

Remus glanced at Sirius.

Then back at James.

"Not right now."

"But—"

"Not right now."

James swallowed.

He nodded eventually.

Remus guided him away from the table.

Peter followed, looking deeply uncomfortable.

And Sirius was left standing alone.

His shirt was torn at the collar.

His knuckles were bleeding.

His little brother was gone.

And his best friend wouldn't look at him.

He lowered himself onto the nearest bench.

The Great Hall continued around him.

People ate.

People whispered.

Someone laughed at something happening at the Ravenclaw table.

A plate clattered.

Life went on.

Sirius stared at the empty space where Regulus had been sitting.

And for the first time in years, he wondered whether leaving Grimmauld Place had actually been enough.

Because he had spent so long trying not to become his parents that he hadn't noticed when he'd started hurting people in exactly the same ways.

He pressed his bloody knuckles against his forehead.

And cried.

For the little brother he'd left behind.

For the best friend he'd just punched.

For the person he'd been.

And, perhaps most painfully, for the person he was still trying to become.

Some things, Sirius was beginning to understand, were harder to unlearn than they were to leave behind.

"Dear diary, it's Jeremiah, I've been trying more to write Because these nights get mighty long up on this ward right after light The bedside lamp illuminates the trail and path of my pen That's how I feel about the good Dr. Meyers, my friend"

By lunchtime, the entire university knew.

By lunchtime, the story had changed approximately seventeen times.

According to a group of second-year Hufflepuffs, James Potter had punched Sirius Black first because Sirius had discovered James was sleeping with someone.

According to a particularly enthusiastic Ravenclaw, Sirius had thrown an entire breakfast table across the Great Hall.

According to a Slytherin who claimed to have been sitting close enough to hear everything, Regulus Black had announced that he was disowning his entire family, including James, before storming out with Barty Crouch Jr.

None of it was entirely true.

Unfortunately, the truth wasn't much better.

And Hogwarts University had never been particularly good at minding its own fucking business.

"Have you seen him?"

James didn't look up from his untouched sandwich.

"No."

"Have you texted him?"

"Yes."

"Called him?"

"Yes."

"Checked his room?"

"You see, so Dr. Meyers said that I'm responding so еxquisitely. And physically responsive to prеscriptions on delivery. I'm fit to be walking out here in three weeks tops. I wanna be just like the doctor when I grow up. Mummy said that we got lucky 'cause we can't afford none. And getting let into this trial was a gift from the sun. And we got shined on from the heavens, man, this doctor's my hero. He sometimes jokes around and calls me patient zero"

"Yes."

"His usual library?"

"Yes."

"His—"

"Remus."

"What?"

James finally looked up.

"Would you like to ask me if I've checked the bloody Astronomy Tower as well?"

Remus considered it.

"Actually, yes."

James dropped his head into his hands.

They were sitting at the Gryffindor table, although calling it sitting was generous. James had spent the last twenty minutes shifting around on the bench, checking his phone, putting it down, picking it up again, and looking towards the Great Hall doors.

"Cause my patience's zero, I mean, I'm kind of hyper I'm prone to be staying up and pulling all-nighters And these side effects kind of make my sleeping a nightmare My mouth gets dry sometimes, no saliva The pain ain't stopping, but the doctor said, "Patience" My patience is zero, I told you, I hate it The doctor said that it gets dark before dawn Every rose has it thorns, best to weather the storm So 4 in the morning, I'll say, "Goodnight" And if I sleep, then it's a blessing from the holy skies Every night is a drag, but the daytime's nice 'Cause Dr. Meyers will be there, so I know I'll be fine"

He hadn't eaten anything.

His cheek was swollen.

There was a small plaster over his split lip, courtesy of Madam Pomfrey, who had spent a good ten minutes telling him that being a twenty-one-year-old university student did not excuse behaving like a twelve-year-old.

She'd also told Sirius the same thing.

Sirius hadn't said anything.

That was probably worse.

"He's not answering," James muttered.

Remus sighed.

"Maybe he doesn't want to."

James looked at him.

"Thanks. Really helpful."

"I'm not trying to be unhelpful."

"Could've fooled me."

"I'm saying that Regulus might need some space."

James looked down at his phone.

The last message he'd sent was from eleven minutes ago.

James: hey, sweetheart. just want to know you're okay.

Delivered.

Not read.

He'd sent another one after that.

James: I'm sorry about this morning.

Delivered.

Not read.

And then, because apparently he had absolutely no self-respect, he'd sent a third.

James: I love you.

Delivered.

Not read.

James swallowed.

"I just want to see him."

"All my thoughts are turning blue Tell me, what's a boy to do? All my yesterdays are fading from the view And every night I lay awake Waiting for the day to break Just to share another memory with you"

Remus's expression softened.

"I know."

Across from them, Lily Evans was doing a rather poor job of pretending not to listen.

"Have you heard anything from Barty?" she asked.

James shook his head.

"Nothing."

"He's probably with Regulus."

"I know."

"Then perhaps Barty's doing the sensible thing and keeping him away from all of us."

James frowned.

"All of us?"

Lily raised an eyebrow.

"James, darling, I love you, but you and Sirius have managed to turn breakfast into the most entertaining university scandal since the Ravenclaw duelling society accidentally set fire to the library."

Peter snorted into his drink.

James looked unimpressed.

"Glad everyone's having fun."

"I'm not saying it's funny."

"Could've fooled me."

"I'm saying people are talking."

As if summoned by the words, a pair of second-year students walking past slowed down.

"Dr. Rick Meyers, September 21st Patient thirteen appears to be gettin' worse It's seeming like these treatments not only failed to work But have made his condition critical, crippling adverse Symptoms and side effects like the last twelve kids Pardon me, I mean test subjects I gotta give myself distance from my feelings, this is science, nothing more And so I hide behind that mindset anytime that I'm unsure"

"That's him," one whispered.

James heard it.

Of course he heard it.

"That's Potter."

"Apparently Black punched him because he's dating his brother."

"Which brother?"

"The one who's trans."

James's fork stopped moving.

The other student lowered their voice.

"Well, you know what the Black family's like."

James looked up.

"Oi."

Both students froze.

"James," Remus warned.

"No, actually. Come here."

The students exchanged a glance.

James pushed his chair back.

"If you've got something to say about my boyfriend, say it properly."

One of them went pink.

"We weren't—"

"Because I'd love to hear it."

"James," Lily said firmly.

The two students hurried away.

James watched them go, jaw tight.

Remus leaned back.

"You're going to spend the entire afternoon fighting people, aren't you?"

"Depends how many people decide to talk about Regulus like he's some sort of fucking spectacle."

Lily reached across the table and squeezed his wrist.

"He's not a spectacle, James."

"I know."

"Then remember that."

James looked at her.

She held his gaze.

"He's allowed to be upset. He's allowed to be angry. And he's allowed to not want to see you right now."

"I was hired to find a cure and so at times I come off heartless But my job's to stay on target and bring this product to market Gotta keep the funding coming, gotta finish what we started Gotta crack some eggs to make this multi-million dollar omelet With these corporate pharma reps and they've been breathin' down my neck And they're the ones who write the checks, really, what the fuck you expect? I got a wife and two boys of my own I gotta protect"

James looked away.

"I know."

But knowing didn't make it hurt any less.

Sirius hadn't eaten either.

He was sitting at the far end of the Gryffindor table, staring at a cup of coffee that had gone cold approximately an hour ago.

His sunglasses were on.

Inside.

Which was usually a fairly reliable indicator that he was having a terrible day.

He'd been quiet since breakfast.

Not his usual quiet, either.

Sirius Black was perfectly capable of being quiet when he wanted to be. He could spend an entire lecture leaning back in his chair, smirking at the professor and saying absolutely nothing, only to make one devastatingly sarcastic comment at the end.

This was different.

This was the sort of quiet that made people uncomfortable.

The sort that suggested he was somewhere else entirely.

"Pads?"

He didn't move.

Remus glanced towards him.

"Padfoot."

"What?"

"Have you eaten?"

"No."

"Would you like something?"

"No."

"Wonderful. Lovely conversation."

Sirius took his sunglasses off.

His eyes were red.

"So these kids at the clinic are just numbers I've written next to the date and time of the test Nothin' more, nothin' less Blame the parents if you wanna, they signed a form of consent But this Jeremiah kid, shit, there I go again Patient thirteen, I mean, something 'bout him's different Says he wants to be like me and so I say that he'll become An even better doctor knowin' that that day'll never come His pulse has been gettin' weaker, now there's fluid in his lungs Dr. Meyers? Get some rest, patient zero, we're almost done"

Remus's expression changed.

"Mate."

"Don't."

"I'm not going to—"

"I said don't, Moony."

Remus sighed.

"All right."

For a moment, they sat in silence.

Then Sirius spoke.

"Have you seen him?"

Remus knew exactly who he meant.

"No."

Sirius nodded.

His thumb moved against the cardboard sleeve of his coffee cup.

"Is James looking for him?"

"Yes."

"Of course he is."

There was something strange in his voice.

Not quite bitterness.

Something closer to resignation.

Remus watched him.

"He's worried."

Sirius gave a humourless laugh.

"He's got every right to be."

"Yes, he does."

Sirius looked at him.

Remus didn't soften the answer.

That was one of the things Sirius loved about him.

Remus never made excuses for him.

"You're not a bad person because you were raised by bad people," Remus said eventually. "But you don't get to hurt people because you're still dealing with what they taught you."

Sirius looked down.

"I know."

"Do you?"

"Yes, Remus."

"Because Regulus has spent most of his life having to fight for the right to exist without someone making him feel like it's an inconvenience."

Sirius's jaw tightened.

"And now he has to fight you, too."

That one hurt.

Sirius nodded slowly.

"I know."

Remus watched him for a moment.

Then he reached across the table and took the sunglasses from his hand.

"Come here."

Sirius frowned.

"What?"

Remus opened his arms.

For a second, Sirius looked almost offended.

Then his face crumpled.

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Remus's shoulder.

Remus wrapped an arm around him.

And Sirius Black, who had spent most of his adult life insisting that he didn't need anyone, quietly fell apart over his breakfast.

At the Slytherin table, Regulus Black was notably absent.

Again.

"He's not in his room," Barty announced.

Pandora Lovegood looked up from her book.

"Have you checked the greenhouse?"

"Yes."

"Library?"

"Yes."

"Hospital wing?"

"Yes."

Evan Rosier, who was currently eating a rather questionable-looking bowl of pasta, glanced up.

"Have you tried asking him where he is?"

Barty stared at him.

Evan slowly lowered his fork.

"Right. Sorry."

Dorcas Meadowes sat opposite them, picking at a piece of fruit.

"He's probably just somewhere quiet."

"He's been somewhere quiet for six hours," Barty snapped.

"He's allowed."

"I know he's allowed!"

Barty dragged both hands down his face.

"Sorry."

Pandora closed her book.

"Did he say anything this morning?"

Barty hesitated.

"Not really."

"What does that mean?"

"It means he didn't say much."

Dorcas frowned.

"Barty."

Barty looked towards the Great Hall doors.

"He cried."

The table went quiet.

"He didn't do anything dramatic," Barty continued. "He just sat there for a bit after we left. Then he started crying, and I couldn't get him to stop."

Pandora's face softened.

"Oh, Reg."

"He kept saying he was tired."

Barty swallowed.

"Tired of everyone knowing his business. Tired of having to explain himself. Tired of being the reason people were fighting."

Evan looked uncomfortable.

"He's not the reason."

"I know that."

Barty's voice sharpened.

"I know that, Evan. But does he?"

Nobody answered.

Barty looked down at his phone.

There was a message from Regulus.

Sent twenty minutes earlier.

Regulus: don't worry. just need a bit longer.

Barty had replied immediately.

Barty: Where are you?

No answer.

Barty: Reg, please.

Still nothing.

He put his phone down.

"He's somewhere," he muttered.

Pandora reached across the table and squeezed his hand.

"Then we'll give him somewhere to come back to."

At half past one, James finally gave up pretending he was going to eat.

He pushed his plate away.

"I'm going to look again."

Remus glanced up.

"Where?"

"Everywhere."

"That's not particularly specific."

James stood.

"Then I'll start with somewhere specific."

Lily sighed.

"James."

He paused.

She looked at him carefully.

"Don't make him feel like he has to come back just because you're worried."

James nodded.

"I won't."

"And don't make this about Sirius."

"I won't."

"And—"

"Lily."

She smiled faintly.

"Go find your boyfriend."

James leaned down and kissed the top of her head.

"You're a saint."

"I'm aware."

He picked up his bag and headed for the doors.

He'd checked the library twice.

The common rooms.

The courtyard.

The greenhouse.

The little coffee shop just outside the university grounds where Regulus liked to sit when he wanted to be alone but didn't want to be entirely alone.

Nothing.

He'd even checked the astronomy department, despite having absolutely no idea why Regulus would be there at lunchtime.

But Regulus had a habit of disappearing into places that reminded him of things.

The astronomy tower was one of them.

He'd once told James that he liked the view because it made everything seem smaller.

James had kissed his forehead and told him that was a terribly dramatic thing to say.

Regulus had told him to shut up.

James had fallen a little more in love with him.

He climbed the stone staircase slowly.

His cheek was beginning to ache again.

He could still feel the phantom sting of Sirius's fist, but it was nothing compared to the feeling in his chest.

He'd been angry with Sirius that morning.

He still was.

But he couldn't stop thinking about Regulus's face when he'd walked into the Great Hall.

The way he'd looked at them.

Like they'd both let him down.

And perhaps they had.

James reached the top of the staircase.

The astronomy tower was quiet.

Almost unnaturally so.

The heavy wooden door stood slightly ajar.

He pushed it open.

And there he was.

Regulus was sitting on the stone ledge beneath one of the tall arched windows.

His knees were pulled up against his chest, and his chin rested on top of them.

He was wearing an oversized black jumper that James recognised immediately.

His jumper.

The sleeves swallowed his hands.

His dark hair was falling into his eyes, and there was a half-empty cup of coffee sitting beside him.

He was staring out across the grounds.

James stopped in the doorway.

For a moment, he couldn't bring himself to speak.

Because Regulus looked so small.

Not physically.

Regulus had never been particularly small.

But there was something about the way he was sitting, the way his shoulders curved inward, that made James want to cross the room and wrap him in every blanket Hogwarts University possessed.

"Hey."

Regulus didn't turn around.

James closed the door gently behind him.

"Hey, sweetheart."

Silence.

James approached slowly.

"Can I sit?"

Regulus shrugged.

James took that as permission and lowered himself onto the stone ledge beside him.

Not too close.

Just close enough.

For a while, neither of them spoke.

The wind moved gently through the open window.

Somewhere below, students were crossing the grounds, laughing and shouting as they made their way towards afternoon lectures.

James looked at Regulus's hands.

His fingers were tucked into the sleeves of the jumper.

"Have you eaten?"

Regulus shrugged again.

James sighed.

"That's a no, then."

Nothing.

"I've got some chocolate."

Regulus glanced at him.

James pulled a slightly crushed chocolate bar from his bag.

Regulus stared at it.

"That's been in there since Monday."

"Tuesday."

"It's Wednesday."

"Then it's practically fresh."

Regulus looked away.

But James caught it.

The tiniest twitch at the corner of his mouth.

It wasn't a smile.

Not really.

But it was something.

James placed the chocolate between them.

"You don't have to talk to me."

Regulus swallowed.

"Okay."

"I just wanted to make sure you were all right."

"I'm fine."

James looked at him.

Regulus sighed.

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Look at me like that."

James nodded.

"Sorry."

Another silence.

Then Regulus spoke.

"Did he hurt you?"

James blinked.

"Who?"

Regulus gave him a look.

"Sirius, James."

"Oh."

James touched his cheek.

"Nothing serious."

Regulus's expression tightened.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't."

"He shouldn't have—"

"Regulus."

James turned towards him.

"None of this is your fault."

Regulus looked down.

"Feels like it."

"I know."

"I didn't ask either of you to fight."

"I know, sweetheart."

"I didn't ask you to get hurt."

James reached out, stopping just before he touched Regulus's hand.

"Can I?"

Regulus looked at him.

Then, slowly, he slipped one hand from his sleeve and placed it in James's.

James curled his fingers around it.

Warm.

Familiar.

His.

"You're not responsible for what Sirius does," James said quietly. "And you're not responsible for what I do. We're both grown men. We can take responsibility for ourselves."

Regulus nodded.

His thumb moved against James's knuckles.

"I don't want to lose him."

James's chest tightened.

"I know."

"And I don't want to lose you."

"You won't."

Regulus looked at him.

James swallowed.

"I can't promise things won't be difficult. And I can't promise Sirius and I will sort everything out tomorrow. But I'm not going anywhere because things got difficult."

Regulus's eyes glistened.

"Everyone keeps saying they understand."

James brushed his thumb over Regulus's hand.

"Do you think I don't?"

Regulus looked away.

"I think you want to."

That hurt more than James expected.

He nodded slowly.

"That's fair."

Regulus wiped beneath one eye with the oversized sleeve.

"I'm just so tired, Jamie."

James moved a little closer.

"I know."

"I'm tired of being the reason people have to have conversations about whether I'm allowed to exist."

James's jaw tightened.

"You're not."

"I know that in my head."

Regulus let out a shaky breath.

"But sometimes I just want to be someone's boyfriend. I want to go to breakfast and complain about my lectures and steal your chips. I don't want to be the Black family scandal. I don't want to be the trans brother. I don't want to be the thing that makes everyone uncomfortable."

James squeezed his hand.

"Then be my boyfriend."

Regulus looked at him.

"That's all you have to be with me."

For a moment, Regulus's expression crumpled.

Then he leaned forward.

James caught him immediately.

Regulus buried his face against James's shoulder, his fingers gripping the front of his jumper.

James wrapped both arms around him.

He didn't say anything.

He just held him.

And for the first time that day, Regulus let himself cry.

Not because he was ashamed.

Not because he'd done something wrong.

But because he was exhausted, and James was warm, and for a few minutes he didn't have to be brave.

They stayed like that for a while.

James didn't check his phone.

Didn't ask about Sirius.

Didn't ask when Regulus was going back to the dormitories.

He just sat with him.

Eventually, Regulus pulled away, rubbing his eyes.

"Sorry."

James frowned.

"For what?"

"Getting your jumper wet."

James looked down.

"Regulus, I've seen you throw up on this jumper."

"That was one time."

"It was a memorable time."

"Shut up."

James smiled.

There it was.

A little more of the Regulus he knew.

He reached up, gently moving a strand of hair away from Regulus's forehead.

"There's my boy."

Regulus's cheeks turned pink.

"You're embarrassing."

"You're dating me. That's a you problem."

Regulus rolled his eyes.

Then his gaze dropped to James's cheek.

The smile disappeared.

"Does it hurt?"

"A little."

Regulus looked at the bruise.

His expression darkened.

"I hate that he did that."

"Me too."

"I hate that he thinks he gets to decide who I love."

James nodded.

"He doesn't."

Regulus looked back towards the window.

"I used to think he was the bravest person I knew."

James stayed quiet.

"When I was little, I thought Sirius could do anything. He could make Mum laugh when she was angry. He could make Dad leave the room just by looking at him. He could make everything feel less frightening."

Regulus's voice grew quieter.

"And then he left."

James felt his heart ache.

"I know."

"I don't blame him for leaving. I don't. I just..." Regulus swallowed. "Sometimes I think he left the little boy who needed him, and now he doesn't know what to do with the person who grew up without him."

James looked at him for a long moment.

"Maybe he doesn't."

Regulus nodded.

"Maybe."

James hesitated.

"Would you ever want to talk to him?"

Regulus didn't answer immediately.

He pulled his knees up again, resting his chin on them.

"I don't know."

"That's okay."

"I don't want to forgive him just because he's sorry."

"You don't have to."

"And I don't want to keep pretending everything's fine because he's my brother."

"You shouldn't have to."

Regulus looked at him.

"Are you angry with him?"

James gave a small laugh.

"Very."

"Because he punched you?"

"Partly."

"Because of me?"

James shook his head.

"Because he hurt you."

Regulus looked down.

James took his hand again.

"And because he's my best friend, and I don't know how to look at him right now."

Regulus's fingers tightened around his.

"Jamie?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we not talk about him anymore?"

James nodded immediately.

"Of course."

He reached for the chocolate bar.

"All my thoughts are turning blue Tell me, what's a boy to do? All my yesterdays are fading from the view And every night I lay awake Waiting for the day to break Just to share another memory with you"

"Now, I believe we have a very important appointment with this slightly questionable chocolate."

Regulus gave him a tiny smile.

"You're an idiot."

"Your idiot."

"Unfortunately."

James grinned.

And for a little while, the world was quiet.

At 2:17 p.m., James's phone buzzed.

He ignored it.

At 2:19 p.m., it buzzed again.

Regulus glanced at it.

"You're allowed to look."

James shook his head.

"It's probably Remus."

"Then he'll survive."

James laughed.

At 2:23 p.m., it buzzed for a third time.

James finally pulled it from his pocket.

Three messages.

All from Sirius.

Sirius: Have you found him?

Sirius: James, please.

Sirius: Just tell me he's okay.

James stared at the screen.

Regulus noticed.

"Who is it?"

James hesitated.

Then he turned the phone around.

Regulus read the messages.

His expression was unreadable.

He looked at them for a long time before handing the phone back.

"He's worried."

"Yeah."

Regulus nodded.

James waited.

"Do you want me to tell him you're safe?"

Regulus looked towards the window.

For a moment, James thought he might say yes.

Instead, he quietly shook his head.

"Not yet."

James put his phone away.

"Okay."

Regulus leaned against him again.

And James let him.

Outside, the afternoon light was beginning to fade.

Regulus looked towards the window.

For a moment, James thought he might say yes.

Instead, he quietly shook his head.

"Not yet."

James put his phone away.

"Okay."

Regulus leaned against him again.

And James let him.

Outside, the afternoon light was beginning to fade.

James had no idea how long they'd been sitting there.

Long enough for the chocolate to disappear.

Long enough for Regulus's breathing to settle.

Long enough for the university to carry on without either of them.

Eventually, James stood and held out a hand.

"Come on."

Regulus looked up.

"Where?"

"Somewhere with actual food."

"I'm not hungry."

"That's unfortunate, because I'm starving."

"You've had lunch."

"I had three bites of a sandwich. That doesn't count."

Regulus sighed, but took his hand.

James helped him down from the ledge.

They stood together for a moment, neither particularly eager to leave.

Then James brushed his thumb over Regulus's cheek.

"Can I ask you something?"

Regulus looked at him.

"Depends."

James smiled faintly.

"Do you think, if I hadn't been there this morning, you and Sirius would still be speaking?"