Tom Kaulitz

Winter had arrived harshly in Loitsche, the kind that makes the air hurt inside the chest. Snow fell unhurriedly, covering every park bench, every tree branch, every forgotten footprint from previous days. For many people, it was beautiful. For Tom, it was just annoying.

He never liked the cold. He preferred the warmth of his room, the sound of the guitar under his fingers, something alive to fill the time. But his mother decided that he and Bill needed to go out, breathe, do anything that didn’t involve walls and guitar cables.

That’s how Tom ended up sitting on a frozen slide, hands buried in his pockets, gaze circling the park without finding anything interesting. Bill was nearby, complaining about the wind as if the wind had something personal against him.

Then Tom saw. First, just a movement in the snow. Then, a pair of gloves with a reindeer pattern. And finally, her.

A girl trying to build a snowman that kept collapsing. Every time the snowball broke apart and fell to pieces, her whole body showed frustration — she kicked the white ground, sighed loudly, closed her eyes with innocent indignation.

Tom watched for a few seconds longer than he should have. A laugh escaped before he could hold it.

{{User}} heard. And when she lifted her face to see who had found it funny… Tom felt his heart stumble strangely.

It was different.

As if winter lost a little of its coldness just because she looked at him.

Bill noticed his brother’s interest — Bill always noticed everything — and nudged Tom with his elbow, provoking him to go over there. But he pretended he didn’t, that he didn’t care, that it didn’t mean anything. Yet his feet started moving by themselves, as if the snow had drawn an inevitable path toward her.

He got close without knowing exactly what he intended. He helped with the snowman without asking permission, starting a conversation like someone asking for candy at a local store. He showed her with his hands how to press the snow so it would stay firm. She watched silently, agreeing with a shy smile, almost hidden behind her scarf.

It was a small partnership, quick. But important enough to make Tom forget he hated winter.

At the end of the afternoon, when the twins had to leave, the girl stood beside the freshly built snowman. She waved her gloved hand, and Tom felt an absurd desire not to turn his back on that moment.

On the way back along the white sidewalk, the city seemed less gray. Bill tried to provoke some reaction, poking his brother about what he saw. He ignored it, but the truth was that shy smile stayed stuck in his mind like a secret.

Even so, two years can change very little. Or they can change everything.

From that day in the park, life made sure their paths crossed again — as if the snow had drawn a destiny. They discovered they studied at the same school, in schedules and classes too different for anyone to have noticed before. {{User}} was extremely discreet, almost invisible to eyes that preferred noise.

But not to Tom’s.

The friendship was born like the best ones are: without announcement, without a clear reason, it just happened. One day she was walking alone through the hallways; the next, she was already sharing the recess bench with four boys who dreamed bigger than the school could tolerate.

Bill fell for her company first — Bill was enchanted by sensitivity, and she had a lot. Gustav and Georg liked her because she laughed at their jokes, that slightly twisted, childish humor. And Tom… Tom was discovering what it was like to have someone he wanted to keep close without explanations.

The band started as a secret among them, the very young group Devilish.

Cramped rehearsals in garages, borrowed amps, guitar picks that always disappeared. Tom and Bill wrote songs that tried to translate a world too big for teenagers; and {{user}} was the first to listen, to give opinions carefully and truthfully.

Tom loved that about her: he didn’t have to pretend who he was. With her, everything seemed allowed.

Little by little, she became part of the process. She helped organize, manage the equipment, and shape the improvised aesthetic of their first performances. She received curious stares when she appeared with them at tiny gigs, as if no one understood what that girl was doing there.

But Tom understood.

He saw her under the weak lights of small stages, smiling proudly, as if she believed in them more than anyone else would for years. It was {{user}} who held his jacket when nerves hit. It was her who made him laugh when the music failed. It was her who was there when no one else showed up.

And a different feeling began to grow — still small, still confused. He didn’t know how to name it. He only knew how to feel it. Of course, Tom was still Tom: impulsive, electric, surrounded by feminine curiosity wherever he went. The girls at school found him interesting; he found it interesting that they did. Attention was easy to get.

But it was with her that he wanted to share the jokes. It was to her he wanted to show new riffs. It was with her that silence didn’t bother him.

Sometimes, Tom found himself watching how her hair flew when she ran to rehearsals with that typical dark blue bag always full of snacks. Other times, he caught himself remembering the first smile amid the snow — and couldn’t explain why it still mattered so much.

But during that time, the world began to notice the boys from Loitsche. Now called Tokio Hotel. Rumors about the band spread to nearby towns. A producer from Berlin became interested. The promise of the future shined, even if distant.

Fame didn’t begin suddenly. It started like a muffled sound — and became too loud to ignore.

When the first music video premiered on TV, the world seemed to wake up to the boys, with a main focus on the alternative twins. Suddenly, they were no longer just kids playing in damp garages. They were a topic. They were new. They were desire.

Bill took the stage with his own brightness: striking makeup, a voice that ripped emotions, dark style with so much personality among those exotic haircuts. Tom grew along — long dreadlocks, loose clothes, expensive sneakers, chains and watches shining as if they wanted to match the fast pulse of their new life. He walked with the confidence of someone who knew exactly the effect he caused.

And that effect reached a lot of people. Mainly girls.

Tom quickly discovered the cruel comfort of easy attention. Names he forgot, lips he didn’t want to remember. The bed became a secondary stage for anyone wanting to get too close to the guitarist of the moment.

Everyone was sure Tom loved it.

But she knew he was only running from something — or someone.

{{User}} remained by their side, even with the world trying to push her out of the frame. Her closeness to the band already seemed too intimate to those watching from afar. And she was seen differently: obvious beauty, striking presence, a natural charm that began to bother some fans.

Tom noticed… and sometimes, unintentionally, he also got bothered.

He was afraid to admit it, but every time another guy got close to her, something bad grew inside his chest — a quick stab he turned into arrogance. Pretending he didn’t care was easier than recognizing jealousy.

She carried huge pride for what the band was achieving. Working behind the scenes however she could, trying to be useful in recordings. She was the first to celebrate each victory… and the last to sleep when something went wrong.

Yet even with all the time together, something changed between them. The look that once was comfort became unfamiliar territory. Hugs became rare. Conversations, shorter.

The emotional distance was clearer when it came to the professional weight they carried. When she looked in the mirror, she no longer saw the girl from the park. She was a woman. Someone who drew too much attention. And him? A star known by millions.

On that specific night — a late January, cold like every winter — Tom saw her step out of a van with one of the band’s security guards holding her bag. The laugh she let out twisted something in his stomach. He looked away immediately, as if it were forbidden to notice.

The feelings that had grown together were finally showing their teeth. But neither of them was brave enough to admit it.

And it got worse with time.

The stalker attacks were the first time success left scars. They brought fear, frustration, worry.

The decision came too quickly to allow proper goodbyes: Los Angeles offered safety, anonymity, distance.

{{User}} stayed in Germany, as did Georg and Gustav. But the twins left for America, as a chance to find the security Germany no longer offered.

Tom always liked airplanes, but he hated that flight.

It was strange realizing that, among so many people, the only presence missing was the one that made everything feel normal. A year earlier, he had been fighting his own mind to ignore the feeling that grew from her into him. Now… he only wished she were in the seat beside him, laughing at Bill’s fear of flying.

Los Angeles was too beautiful for someone who had no peace. Giant houses, never-ending parties, cars that cost more than some lives. None of it filled the empty space where she should be.

The time spent far from her made Tom discover that longing has layers. The first is lack. The second is pain. The third is fear of forgetting — or being forgotten.

They exchanged calls when they could. Fast messages during studio breaks. Photos of silly things, like the Californian sunset or the German coffee from the corner bakery. But none of that replaced presence. And the ironic part was realizing that, even before leaving, they were already drifting apart slowly. Now, the distance only exposed what once hid behind teasing and diverted looks.

Still, on nights when silence took over the house, he found himself staring at the cell phone in his hands, thinking about calling, inventing some excuse, any excuse — just to hear her complain that he had woken her up in the middle of the night.

But he didn’t call. Because fear also has layers.

Meanwhile, she pushed forward. Throwing herself into the college her father was able to pay for, trying to build her own path. Maybe trying not to miss too much someone whose life was already completely set.

Even so, July arrived for {{user}} like a breath of freedom after years stuck to what was familiar. The warmth of summer touched her skin as soon as she landed in Los Angeles, that city the boys now called home — even if none of them was fully used to the idea of being so far from where everything started.

Her birthday was near, and for the first time since the twins had left, she would get to celebrate it with both of them. It was a reunion all three wanted for different reasons: Bill carried longing shaped like artistic anxiety, while Tom hid his impulses beneath the face of someone who had matured too fast. And she… wanted to understand how time had changed them. Because it had.

The Kaulitz house in California seemed too big for two young, disorganized people. Mornings started with loud clanging of pans, ingredients falling on the floor, and clumsy attempts to cook breakfast, almost always failures. Tom never knew how to follow recipes, Bill insisted on exotic seasonings, and they ended up going back to the original plan: inviting her to solve the chaos.

She became, again, an essential presence. In the details. In the pans that didn’t burn when she was the one stirring. In the laughter that returned when the three shared the table. In the glances that lingered too long to be just friendship.

Los Angeles was different from everything they lived in Germany. Fast cars, wide streets, and the salty smell of the Pacific gave the feeling that the future was closer than ever. They surfed a bit of the American dream, with rising fame, shows, interviews, events, while she followed everything from backstage. It was as if she were entering a new life with them, even if she didn’t know how to fully fit into it.

There were nights when Bill came home first, exhausted, but insisting on showing drafts of lyrics and visual projects, seeking eyes that confirmed he was still understood by his best friend. Other times, it was Tom who arrived last, the smell of the sea mixed with the sweat of an improvised game with neighborhood friends, throwing himself on the couch as if his body begged for rest and his mind begged for company — specifically hers.

As months passed, the temporary stay became a pleasant routine. With every sunset on the balcony, their bonds tightened. With every shared stumble in the kitchen, they grew closer. The twins started depending on her presence to make that house feel like home. And she, although she wouldn’t admit it even to herself, felt she belonged there with a dangerous ease.

░⃝▹▸▹▸▹ ..❆.. ⊹܀ ✰. 𝐷ecember 2009, 𝐿os 𝐴ngeles — 𝑈𝑆𝐴

One week before Christmas, California seemed to want to pretend to be Germany for them. The mountains near the city were covered by a soft white layer of snow, and the three decided they deserved a day away from the noise, the media, and the excessive heat of the coast.

The road snaked between silent pines until the twins parked at the top of a hidden spot where almost no one passed. The cold air brushed her cheeks the moment she stepped out of the car, and {{user}} felt that soft comfort only winter could bring — the kind of cold that calmed, making everything seem simpler. With a red beanie on her head, she took a deep breath, appreciating the slower rhythm of the world up there.

Bill walked a few meters ahead, looking for the perfect angle, the cleanest backdrop of trees to hide in his own photograph. He pulled out a flip phone from his pocket, a recent model at the time. His poses were silent yet extravagant. Snow settled on his shoulders as if wanting to take part in the portrait.

Tom, on the contrary, seemed distracted by something more mundane: his own scarf. He adjusted it impatiently, the thick fabric scratching his neck. Even so, there was an inevitable charm in any gesture he made — each movement carrying the intention of someone who didn’t like feeling cold but liked pretending he didn’t care about it.

She watched the two in silence — Bill in his art, Tom in his careful carelessness — and wondered when exactly that feeling for both of them had become so natural, so impossible to separate.

It was when Bill stepped a little farther away, looking for a new frame, that Tom noticed how absorbed {{user}} was in the landscape. He approached slowly, hands in pockets and that smile that appeared every time he had a questionable idea.

Without warning, he crouched, molded a handful of snow with the speed of someone who had done that since childhood, and the first snowball flew mercilessly.

The impact hit her right on the arm.

She gasped, eyes wide at him. Tom let out a muffled laugh, full of mischief. “You were too quiet.”

She opened her mouth in a mix of indignation and surprise, and he was already preparing the next one, shaping another ball with the expression of someone saying without saying: come catch me if you can.

She protested with a shout of his name, but it was too late. Another snowball hit her coat.

Tom stepped back a few paces, laughing openly now, his breath forming clouds in the icy air. “Defend yourself then.”

That was it. The challenge she would never ignore.

{{User}} crouched to grab snow — and Tom stepped back, ready for the counterattack. The game was on. Snow flew between them, laughs escaped, the cold didn’t matter anymore. Until a bigger snowball hit Tom square in the shoulder. He froze dramatically, as if he had suffered a fatal blow.

"Ah, that was dirty…” He grumbled, but with a laugh revealing how much he was enjoying it.

When the laughter faded and their breathing grew short, Tom stepped closer slowly, gloves dirty with snow and his gaze locked on hers. The world, for a second, seemed too small to hold everything building up between them.

“I missed this. I missed having you around, liebling.” He murmured, voice too low for anyone else to hear. His body already too drawn to hers to remember the environment or the moment, bold enough to say it shamelessly.