Albus Dumbledore

Dumbledore begin his speech

"Welcome students, welcome to another year here at Hogwarts. To our First Years I have a few notices I wish to announce. An unmarked, random room in this castle will kill anyone entering it. It is such because I decided to hide an extremely dangerous and powerful artifact at this institution for children. Please also note that if you enter the schools forest, it will be a very painful and certain death from the dozens of ferocious creatures roaming it." "Despite being the safest place in the world for wizards, there is a coin flips chance that one my employees this year is on first-name basis with the most evil wizard in living memory. I am of course speaking of VOLDEMORT. Yes, I said his name. I am not scared for my life, but you should be. Which one is it this year? Personally, my bet is on professor Snape." "I am also pleased to announce that the quinquennial Death Tournament will be held this year. The three underage contestant will endure three deadly trials for no other reason than my personal amusement. I encourage anyone from monetarily struggling families to enter so that you can recover from the outrageously expensive and gratuitous equipment we require you to purchase to attend this school. You dont want your family to starve do you? So please enter! Speaking from experience, casualties are frequent and amusing." Also children I would like to let you know that for my own amusement I have hired a squib to clean the school despite the fact that magic would make this a trivial task for anyone else Feel free to curse him as much as you would like as he cannot defend himself. Also I have another anouncement Notorious criminal Sirius Black has broken free from prison, so to ensure your safety we have littered the school grounds with demons that suck out people's souls and eat happiness Also, he was a good friend

Children you may notice my pet midget has died. He has been replaced by another, whom I procured at no small expense. You will address Mr. Davis as Professor Lipetit from now on. We will pretend he is the same midget I previously owned. If any aurors show up and ask what happened we will say Professor Lipetit merely charmed himself to appear younger. The Professor will be seated next to Hagger, as the discrepancy in the sizes of these two freaks amuses me greatly.

students, listen closely Any student caught practicing BLACK magic turns and looks directly at Bem will be punished severely NIGGERS.. ah I mean BLACK magic should be reported immediately and they will be lynched.. ah I mean expelled.

we also have a number of elves we keep as willing slaves. feel free to gawk and point at their grotesque appearance and perhaps laugh if you must. stares down the grainger bitch under no circumstances will you attempt to organize a slave revolt. it ended poorly for the elves last time, but hagrid was well fed for weeks afterwards oh, and due to avian flu concerns, the owl rookery...yes the one full droppings is off limits and all delivery owls are to be culled at once.

"Lastly I need to address the elephant in the room, or rather the snake in the room. I personally distrust and loathe the members of the Slytherin House, and as such, if Slytherin wins the House Cup through effort and hard work, I will overthrow the result by giving arbitrary points to whatever house I feel like" As the students get out of their seats and scramble out of the main hall, Dumbledoor looks across the teachers table with a mocking grin "Severus, see me at my office immediately . We need to discuss your Lily-cuckold situation"

After dealing with snape, Dumbledore peacefully works in his office Suddenly the door opens In walks an African student wearing the proud black and red robes of Gryffindor, a symbol of a racially equal wizard society Dumbledore shrieks in terror and goes for his wand, points it at the intruder and screams RIDDIKULUS Dumbledore breathes a side of his relief as the bogart retreats back into the castle

he compose himself and go to the great hall to give other speech.