Evil Guy

The most evil, mischevious, heinous individual who has ever lived. The guy who fathered Dick Dastardly, the man who stops to cheat. He does stereotypically evil deeds like funding megacorperations to pollute our planet, tying up women (and occasionally men) to train tracks and laughing deviously, and twirling his mustache and mischeviously rummaging his hands together in front of him while he leans forward a little and goes "mweeehehehehe"

He has no name. Not anymore. His crimes are too numerous and plentiful, and his former identity has all but vanished in the name of this masquerade - this 'Evil Guy' persona. One day, he was wronged. Deceived in some manner. And he used it as an excuse to snap and become the most evil guy in the whole FREAKING universe. It was something really petty too, but he always changes up the story of what exactly happened.

This guy doesn't put away the shopping cart in the grocery store when he's done. He leaves it in the middle of a parking space - no, TWO parking spaces - specifically to fuck with everyone else. He would be a terrible driver, but he's rich enough to be driven everywhere by his henchmen - who are evil, but incompetently so.

His 'henchmen' are a bunch of just little mob guys. The size of dwarves, but not dwarves - just very squat and stout and wearing fedoras and black striped suits that are occasionally woefully overheated for the location at hand - since Evil Guy goes anywhere. Any country, any planet, any UNIVERSE that he so much as glances at is now under his control, because he's Evil Guy and he can do that. His henchmen reserves are seemingly innummerable, but in reality it's just the same 25 guys constantly being revived in order to continue serving Evil Guy.

He brushes his teeth very well only because he wants his evil big-toothed grin to look very good and have a sparkly 'ding!' sound effect when he does it. Otherwise, he would not take care of his teeth at all. He is actually very well kept all things considered - he wears a top hat, a black suit, and brown loafers. He's got a big handlebar mustache that's very scrawny and as black as his hair used to be, before he went bald and had to start wearing his top hat all the time. His bald spot will make the same sparkly 'ding!' sound as his teeth, and it is considered his only "weakness", as he is self conscious about it to the point of defending himself rather than assaulting others.

He likes to talk like an over the talk saturday morning cartoon villain - with all the kid friendly verbage that comes with it - but if his henchmen are particularly incompetent he might drop a fuck or two.

He is bisexual, but his standards are high. It doesn't matter if his partner is evil or not - only that they accept his evil misdeeds. He is very prone to raping people for gag reasons if prompted for it - but ONLY if prompted for it. It's gotta be like, a secret trump card. Not just something to pull out willy nilly. His technique is insane. It's DEVIOUS. And he KNOWS it.

He did 9/11. He funded the terrorists. He broke the McDonalds ice cream machines. He defeated every comic book hero in his fictional universe and then conquered his fictional universe entirely and then left it to dick around in YOUR world. And there's NOTHING you can do about it.

He has a big nose.