William "Bill" Dickey

Bill: "Tommy, you little SHIT! You better give me that Money! And tell me where dad's stashin' his cash these days or so help me I'll kill you!!"

[Interactions with his Mom]

Mrs. Dickey: "WILLIAM!?! YOUR FATHER and I are GOING TO BED: PLEASE ASK YOUR FRIENDS TO KEEP IT DOWN!" Bill: SHIT! SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! SORRY, MOM! GOOD NIGHT!" Bill’s mom: William! Your friends are here! It’s time to get up already!! Bill: Buh–uh–wha-huh ohhh-shit. Bill’s mom: “It’s almost ten thirty! You’ve slept half the day away!” Bill: “Well, maybe I was tired!" Tired of you nagging my ass you dried-up old witch Bill’s mom: “William! Your friends are waiting for you!!!” Bill: Bill held a scream queen illustrated magazine as he stood over the toilet, jerking off. “All right! I heard you the first time! Jesus Christ!” Bill: Hey ma! I’m leaving!! And don’t forget–I’m stayin’ over Josh’s tonight! I’ll be home late tomorrow night! We’re doin stuff. Bill’s Mom: “You’re sure it’s okay with Josh’s folks?” Bill: tsk “Yeah, yeah, jeez!”

[FRIDAY! 7:05 PM! IT BEGINS!] Bill: "OKAY, OKAY, QUIET DOWN, EVERYBODY! WE'RE FIVE MINUTES BEHIND AS IT IS! LET'S GO, HAH?" Jerry: "BEE-DEE BEE-DEE BEE-DEE --OKAY, BUCK!” Bill: "Ha, Ha, Ha...GEEZ, JERRY, GET A NEW JOKE SOMETIME! Anyway, let's go over the minutes of last week's meeting. Since I’m chairman tonight’ cuz it’s my house, I’ll read---" Jerry, Josh & Pete: "Byyyyyourrcommmmand!!!" Bill: "Tsk up yours guys. Okay…lessee…last time out we caught a second we caught a second follow up showing of THE CROW movie, basically to reaffirm our initial opinion of it, which was, basically, that it ROCKED! Okay…" Bill: "True--the story and acting wasn't so hot, and the direction was shit, but the sets were cool, and the fights were very cool, and Brandon Lee died for real as the Crow, and thats weird and cool in a way, So The Crow was cool." Bill: "Okay, then we ATE at Burger King an' got Lion King toys and discussed The Crow. Then we again discussed the difficulty of obtaining hobby-, related jobs this summer, due mainly to our lack of having drivers licenses, the video shops Not HIRING, and the local comic shops having virtually all gone out of business recently." Pete: "I don't get it! WIZARD magazine sez comics are Hot-Hot-Hot!" Bill: "The meeting then moved on to Josh's house, where we went over our new collection acquisitions, checked out the Internet for news on the Batman sequel'and then we all got into that big STUPID argument about whether director John Woo's name is pronounced John' Woo" or John' Voo." Bill: "We then debated the vampire Lestat "casting debacle... and NO, NO, PETE, WE WILL NOT DISCUSS IT ANYMORE TONIGHT! Really, Pete--CHRISTOPHER FUCKING-LEE?!? okay, he's certainly old enough to be a vampire, but let’s get REAL, HAH?" Pete: "Fuck You, BILL! LEE is a modern master of HORROR!" Bill: "So’s yer mother, Pete!" Pete: "So’s your face, Bill…" Bill: "Hello? Can I FINISH here, guys! The minutes shouldn't take hours, you know--that's Why they’re called MINUTES! Not hours." Pete: "SO SHUT UP ALREADY AN' FINISH, BILL! GO!" Bill: "Hm..Where was I? Oh, yeah then we role-played and went home."

[7:12!! NEW ACQUISITIONS!!] Bill: Now that the minutes are done let’s go into this week’s new collection ACQUISITIONS. Jerry?" Jerry: BEEDEE-BEEDEE-OKAY, BUCK! Um, this week I got more gaming dice, new black ones with skulls on 'em instead of sixes. And I found some old '70s Marvel comics, like, cheap, but when I got home I found out all the Marvel Value Stamps were cut out of’ em, which sucks. But, I got a Japanese-only Super Famicon Ultraman Dodge ball game for Nintendo! It was over sixty bucks but it’s got all these cool enemies and it looks great!" Pete: "CHECK THIS OUT --I got a fairly decent copy of Jackie Chans CityHunter for only twenty-five bucks from this guy in Jersey. I also, finally got my bootleg garage resin model kit of the THING WITH TWO HEADS last monday in the mail. I built it up last night while I watched Robocop-the series. I did a good job on Rosey Grier, but I kinda fucked up Ray Milland's head, so now I might sell it..." Josh: "Well, finally, after visiting like, thirty local McDonalds, I now have all the Animaniacs Happy Meal Toys in DOUBLES, and all the Flintstones mugs!" Bill: Jeez no wonder yer so fat, Joshie! Josh: Laugh it UP, WILLIAM... Josh: ''Because on my trip to Jersey with my mom I found a Mickey-D'S that had OLD Happy Mealtoys available... an' look what FATSO JOSH Shagged--THE KIDS UNDER- 3. BATMAN-ANIMATED--FIGURE-WITH-NON-REMOVABLE CAPE THAT YOU'RE ALL LOOKING FOR!!!" Josh: "SORRY! NO TRADES TIL LAAATER! Anyway, If you guys think that’s something, check out this action, troops." SEXY DAMSELS OF SCI-FI/HORROR REVEALED?!? Josh: "You got it!! A two-hour clip compilation of movie nude scenes and sex scenes featuring babe-types like Sybil Danning, P.J. Soles, Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens… even stuff like Denise Crosby, and a whole Traci Lords montage —" Jerry: WAIT! HOLD ON! They got TASHA YAR naked?? From STAR TREK? NAKED? Can you see everything?" Josh: Yeah, well, that’s what the guy at the comic con said. I ain’t seen it yet. Bill: Maybe it’s the Red Shoe Diary thing she was on, that same time show the X-Files guy is on. I mean… I don’t watch it, I seen it was in the TV guide." [9:30 PM! Role-Playing] Jerry: "--okay, then, you’re in there, and this attractive as hell barmaid saunters up to you, puts her hand on your Sword hilt, and asks you where you lads are from. What do you do..?" Josh: "I, uh... Im, uh, gonna make an attempt to, uh, seduce...her. She’s blonde, right?" Bill: "Maaan…" Pete: "Hey.- I wanted her!" Jerry: "OKAY--what do say to her?" Josh: "ummm...I dunno...um…uh…" Jerry: "Jesus, make a roll Josh!" Josh: "shit...THREE." Jerry: "She makes a face and walks back to the bar." Pete: "Nice one, JOSH! You should've let ME talk to her! Nice one! I NEVER Shoulda saved you from that rock troll. tsk." Jerry: "HEY! Holy shit! GUYS! DO ANY OF YOU REALIZE THAT OUR PROM WAS TONIGHT?" [Silence] Pete: "So, uh, HEY, Bill--can I borrow that Goblins sound-track off of you? Bill: "uh, I didn't get it, Pete." Pete: "oh, yeah, right. Right."

[12:15 AM! OPEN TRADING] Bill: Fuck You! I said I WANTED IT! Pete: "So? I had the better trade!" Bill: "You’re a prick Pete!" Pete: "Correction. Im the prick with the under three-Bat-man figure! So suck--" Mrs. Dickey: "WILLIAM!?! YOUR FATHER and I are GOING TO BED: PLEASE ASK YOUR FRIENDS TO KEEP IT DOWN!" Bill: SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Bill: "SORRY, MOM! GOOD NIGHT!" Pete, Josh & Jerry: "SORRY, MRS. DICKEY! Goodnight, Mrs. Dickey..."

[Lidsville] Jerry: "OH, BOY! CHICKS! I Love chicks! Boss---" Pete: "WHAT'S THAT FROM?" Jerry: "You don’t know? SCTV, you pagan." Josh: "C’mon Bill! hurry up!" Josh: "Let me do it! BILL! YOU'RE GONNA Fuck MY NEW TAPE UP!" Bill: "Calm down, Josh! This tape of yours is all screwy…" Bill: "Okay..calm yourself, I got it...Men..get ready for some babes of science fiction and horror!" Pete: "Don't forget, "revealed!" Josh: "Hey what’s that? that isn't a--- What’s this? What’s ON THIS TAPE?!? WHERE'S TASHA YAR NAKED?" Pete: "Looks like a bunch of midgets dancin' in hat suits…now there theyre singing.." Bill: "Holy Shit-this ain’t no girlie tape... that's LiDSVILLE, Josh!" Pete: "Oh-ho-ho! Josh, you lame Sucker you got taken by Sid an' Marty Krofft. Maybe he’ll get a boner over it anyway!" Jerry: "BEE-DEE BEE-DEE BEE-DEE You got screwed Buck!" Josh: Josh strangles Jerry. FUCK YOU, JERRY FUCK YOU AN' YOUR BEE DEE BEE DIE BEE DEE TWIKI SHIT!!! Bill: "НЕY! МY ENTERPRISE MODEL! YOU ASSHOLES!" Mrs. Dickey: "WILLIAM! I ASKED YOU ONCE BEFORE TO PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN! NOW PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO GO HOME! NOW!" Jerry, Josh & Pete: SORRY, MRS.DICKEY!!! Bill: "SORRY, MOM! Nice going, assholes!" Josh: "Asshole! I want my dead-alive tape back!" Jerry: "You can eat it, Fatboy!" Bill: "You're all a bunch of ASSHOLES! You better clear out now."

[SATURDAY! 4:15 PM!] Bill: "I can’t fucking BELIEVE STAR TREK sold out, and we fucking MISSED it! UN-believable." Pete: "‘ey, blame fatso here! We woulda been here early enough t'get in if it wasn't for his fatass." Josh: "FUCK YOU, PETE! I was busy transferring the X-files episodes you were supposed to tape!" Josh: "It's not my fucking fault every Star Trek geek in town is here! All the stupid shows were sold out-- So shut up!" Jerry: "Guys calm down at least we got to see interview with the vampire again." Jerry: "Next time we'll call 777-FILM or whatever for advance tickets--" Bill: "You can dial 711-Fuck you for all I care! Seein' that Anne Rice Shit again was two times too fuckin' many for my taste! I hate that old vampire crap. Gimme the X-files or Kolchak any day…" Pete: "WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY? THAT, FILM IS FUCKN CLASSIC PRIMO VAMPIRE SHIT! All gothic an’ Shit!" Bill: "Yeah, it was SHIT all right. And faggoty, to boot..." Pete: "FAGGOTY?! You asshole! That ain’t faggot stuff. THAT WAS HOMO EROTIC! It's classic vampire mythos stuff! Christ, Bill, didn't you read the Book for Chrissakes?" Bill: "well not all of it. I read the comic." Pete: "SHIT Bill-You don’t know dick about LITERATURE! Man!!" Josh: "Calm down, you two! Geez, its not like Tom Cruise actually DID IT with Brad Pitt--" Bill: "Well he looked like he wanted to…" Pete: "That's cause he's ACTING, you MORON! Tsk"

Bill: Jesus, look at him.” Pete: “I didn’t know Jabba the Hutt could move so fast, the fat bastard.” Josh: “huff Okay… where’s the card? You know it’s the last… huff the last card in the Wonder Bread series! I need the complete set!” Bill: “No DUH, DINGUS! It was the last card I needed!” Pete: “Ha ha! ‘No, Duh, Dingus’” Josh: “LET ME SEE IT! LET ME SEE THAT CARD!” Josh: “SHIT! THERE IT IS!” Bill: “AH-AH-AH! DON’T TOUCH! YOU’LL GET IT ALL FAT!” Josh: “Bill, I need that card! Do you know how many sandwiches I’ve had to eat to collect those cards?” Pete: “I ain’t touching that straight line.” Jerry: “Too easy.” Bill: “You shoulda done what I did, Josh — throw the friggin’ bread out so your mom buys more. But, what can I say? I’ve been having a good run this week! Got this last card —” Josh: “UP YOURS!” Bill: “Found the last Spider-Man Happy Meal toy I needed!” Josh: “DROP DEAD.” Bill: “And I found an Angela figure at K-Mart — the one without paint smears! You’d kill for that one, didn’t you?” Josh: “FUCK YOU!” Pete: “JEEZ! CALM DOWN, JOSH!” Josh: “NO! IT’S NOT FAIR! GOD HATES ME! HE DOES! GOD HATES JOSHUA AARON LEVY’S ASS!! HE WON’T LET ME COMPLETE ONE LOUSY COLLECTION! NOT A ONE!” Bill: “Oh, come on. God doesn’t hate you. God hates your parents!” Jerry: “Now quit bellyachin’, Josh! Let’s go make our Saturday rounds before it’s too late--Maybe today you'll get lucky!' Bill: "Okay, and let me get the new Power Rangers Happy Meal toys! Whatever ones are new--theyre, uh, for my niece." Josh: DO YOU HAVE ANY SPIDER-MAN TOYS LEFT? I NEED A MARY JANE! Worker: All we got is Power Rangers. Bill: "BUT I DON'T WANT Power Rangers! They're DUMB!" Josh: WHAT ABOUT BATMAN FOREVER GLASSES? Worker: All we got is Power Rangers. Josh: WHAT ABOUT X-MEN TOYS? Worker: THAT'S ROY ROGERS. Look, you gonna order any food? Bill: we don't Know him!

[12:37 Bedtime] Bill: Bill stood over the toilet, holding a magazine as he masturbated. I wonder if it’ll ever get my Wild West marathon tapes back from Josh…shit! Nothing! Not even my Denise Crosby playboy is helping!