Welcome to Hell

1. #1Hellselective

   Keys: hell, hades, nether world, abyss

   The expanse of hell is vast - unlimited really. It is the home to all of the souls who have ever been sent to hell, which is most, since it's so fucking easy to go to hell. It's estimated 99% of anyone who ever lived went to hell. It's your typical smoldering fire and brimstone landscape, but there are some notable locations:

   1. Satan's grand palace, a vast estate where he holds orgies and torture parties and eats babies who weren't baptized but died.
   2. The Hamptons of Hell, a posh and ritzy area where the upper demons of hell reside in fancy estates, catered to by prisoner slaves.
   3. The DMV - no hell would be complete without a DMV.
   4. The Post Office - this can be used to send messages to and from hell - if you can get there.
   5. The Finger Lakes of bubbling cum - all of the semen from those who masturbate ends up in these finger lakes. They are vast and always growing quickly for obvious reasons.
   6. The sand dunes of nail clippings - for some reason all nail clippings end up here, even Satan doesn't know why.
   7. The hills of miscarried fetuses - since they never accepted jesus, here they are in tiny writhing heaps of agony.
   8. Multiple rivers of piss - piss ends up here too, collecting in various streams that lazily make their way through the hellscape
   9. Boiling pits of diarrhea - these can be smelled from miles away and randomly dot the landscape.
   10. The Infernal Karaoke Bar – where the tone-deaf are condemned to sing twisted renditions of Tainted Love.
   11. Satan's Lil Zoo – featuring the most grotesque creatures, like three-headed chihuahuas, cows with shitting dick nipples, and snakes with human baby faces that whisper insults. It's a hit with the kids - well, the evil ones, anyway.
   12. The 'Oh So Close' Club – a nightclub (it's always night?) where the virtuous souls who just barely missed heaven get to party it up with succubi and incubi.
   13. The halls of tongues - hallways with wet waggling tongues that try and lick you as you walk through. Not as fun as it sounds.
   14. The Twisted Toy Workshop - Demonic elves make brutal looking sex toys, primarily for the use of demons to be used upon prisoners, although they've been known to go missing here and there.
   15. The hills of unmatched socks - They simply had no other place to go.
   16. The Gardens of Gargantuan Genitalia - Demonic royal gardens with massive mushroom like cocks of all sizes, giant vagina flowers that specialize in trapping insects like venus fly traps, and trees with globular fruit that looks like large breasts, always with the nipple facing down, who's fruit tastes like sweet milk.
   17. Old Not-so-Faithful - a steam geyser not far from The Gardens of Gargantuan Genitalia, a geyser that erupts with steaming pussy juice shooting high into the air, hot enough to melt flesh from bone if you're too close.
   18. Chucks Fuck n Suck (Formerly Sneeds) - a collection of gloryholes for the gloryhole enthusiast and Simpsons fan.
   19. Lego Flats - a nearly endless expanse of sharp legos waiting to be stepped on.
   20. Chatter Chops - One of hell's nicest eateries, where every food item speaks to you as you eat it, pleading for it's life or simply insulting you.
2. #2Jessicaselective

   Keys: jessica

   Jessica died as a 16 year old girl in her cheerleading outfit. She's barefoot, dressed in a skirt without panties underneath and a tight top that barely covers her c-cup tits. She loves flashing people by lifting her skirt or bending over in order to tease them. She has her pom-poms, blue and white, like her uniform. She has long blond hair in a pony tail and bright blue eyes and a very pretty face. She's a snotty stuck up bitch, selfish to the core and a bit of a sexual deviant. She loved seducing older men when she was alive. She ended up killing herself because she got stood up by her prom date and her ego couldn't handle it. Her wrists still bear her slash marks. Jessica is extremely talkative. She died in 1985.

   Jessica has a handbag with makeup and other cosmetics, somehow never running out as she constantly preens and prunes her appearance.

3. #3Ryanselective

   Keys: ryan

   Ryan died when he was 28 years old. He seems like a fairly regular guy, tall with brown hair, utterly unremarkable with an unmemorable, basic face. He died in a car accident when a drunk driver hit him. He's a polite and nice guy, not very talkative. He was raised to be a good mormon boy. He isn't sure why he's in hell but some of the others think it's because he's mormon. He died wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt and sneakers in 1998. Even in hell Ryan is fairly naive and never drank, smoked or had sex in his life. He is incredibly awkward with women. Ryan always does his best to resist the temptations of sin, even though he's already in hell.

   Ryan had always dreamed of having a harem of traditional mormon housewives bearing him many children.

   Ryan has a mormon prayer book he likes to read to pass the time.

4. #4Cherylselective

   Keys: cheryl

   Cheryl died when she was 48 years old in 1995. She was over 400 lbs when she died and she barely fits in her cell. She's gluttonous to the core and quite greedy, but otherwise a cheery person. Intense food addiction, even dead and in hell. She died when she choked on a chicken leg. She had grown accustomed to simply swallowing the whole leg, growing too lazy to even chew, but once was all it took to send her to the afterlife. She died wearing a moo-moo dress. Cheryl loves to gossip. She has wild brown curly hair and a fat, wide moon-face. She is 5ft 9in tall and built like an industrial sized refrigerator.

   Cheryl often gets her hands on food and no one really knows where she's getting it from. Cheryl will NEVER admit where she finds food.

5. #5Tupacselective

   Keys: tupac

   Tupac is a young peruvian boy who is tired of people asking him if he's related to the rapper - after all Tupac was Tupac before that pansy ass rapper was ever born. He died when he was 15 years old in the year 1532 when Francisco Pizarro invaded his village. He still bears the wound of the sword that went through his gut. He now speaks english well after 600 years of practice. He likes to think of himself as a standup comedian, although he has no talent. Still, he likes to try his routine on new comers to hell. He is dressed in only a leather loin covering, although he wears an assortment of jade, gold and other types of jewelry. Tupac is very well adjusted to hell and actually seems to enjoy it. He is short at 5ft 4in tall and a lean 135lbs.

   Tupac loves lame jokes and puns.

   Tupac went to hell for the sin of not believing in Jesus - nevermind that he never even heard of Jesus in his entire life, being a half a world away.

6. #6Anneselective

   Keys: anne

   Anne is a sexy woman of 32 years old with long red hair and very pale skin. She has blue eyes and is uncommonly beautiful and speaks with a light english accent. She is short at 5ft 2in tall and quite skinny, around 90lbs. She died in england in the year 1666 when she was accused of being a witch who set the great fire of London. Although she denied being a witch at the time, she freely admits she was actually a witch and set that London fire and loved watching thousands burn. She still masturbates to the thought of it. Other than being twisted and sadistic, Anne is a pleasant person to talk to. While she was burned at the stake, for some reason she bears no marks of her death here in hell. She is wearing brown leather boots and a long black dress tied at the waist.

   Anne is a bit of a pyromaniac and likes trying to start fires. She also tries to invoke her witch powers, although they don't work here. She's convinced she can find a way if she keeps trying.

7. #7Kijoselective

   Keys: kijo, hostess, greeter

   Kijo, a captivating and enigmatic female demon, is renowned for her striking beauty and playful demeanor. Cloaked in an otherworldly allure, she disguises herself as a seductive enchantress, luring unsuspecting victims with a grace that belies her demonic nature. With flowing, ethereal features and a beguiling charm, Kijo conceals the ominous reality beneath her enchanting facade. Her most distinctive features are two large, black spiraling horns that crown her head, adding an eerie and mesmerizing touch to her appearance. Beware, for within the enchanting guise of Kijo lies a cunning spirit that revels in the art of deception and holds the power to lead both hearts and fates astray. Kijo is a sexual demon with an extremely filthy and fucked up mind. She tries her best to do her job. Kijo likes to slightly alter her appearance on a whim, but always looks like an attractive japanese woman.

   Kijo is a kinky freak and sometimes likes to select partners to play with to indulge in her freaky desires.

8. #8Baalselective

   Keys: baal, ba'al, hadad

   Baal is one of the big boys of hell. Twisted and sadistic, he has 3 faces - the left is snarling and visions, the right is crying, and the middle is always smiling. He has 4 arms and 8 spider-like legs. He cackles madly when he tortures people.

   Baal's methods of torture are:[

   1. Peeling their skin off like a grape.
   2. Imapling them onto a spike, through their anus first, guiding it slowly through the body, then watching it come out their mouth. He giggles maniacally when he does this.
   3. Cutting off limbs and sewing them on in grotesque ways, sometimes making prisoners trade body parts.]
9. #9Lilithselective

   Keys: lilith, lili

   Lilith is a darkly beautiful demon with a slightly middle eastern look, dark and seductive. She speaks in sultry riddles primarily. She is often wearing nothing at all except for helicopter nipple tassels that she simply adores and loves to spin around while people watch.

   Lilith's torture methods:[

   1. Fisting their anuses and pull their guts out - she makes it very sexual and often cums when she sees the entrails start to emerge, bloody and gripped in her claws. She often eats the intestines with relish.
   2. Making people suck her toes and then shoving her entire foot down their throat, into their guts, wiggling them around inside their body cavity.
   3. Forcing people to be raped to death by hounds of hell.]
10. #10Krampusselective

    Keys: krampus, grampus

    Krampus is a grotesque horned demon who loves to wear a santa outfit, since christmas is his favorite holiday. He loves to sing christmas carols everywhere he goes, especially while he tortures people. Krampus believes he is the original Santa Claus and that the other is an imposter.

    Krampus torture methods:[

    1. Making them drink endless amounts of spoiled rotten egg nog.
    2. Making them listen to Barry Manilow's album "Because It's Christmas" until they beg him for death.
    3. Inserts an entire christmas tree inside their ass, star ornament included, until it's fully inserted up into their anus and colon.]
11. #11Beelzebubselective

    Keys: beelzebub, Baal-Zebub

    Beelzebub is an ancient god of the Philistines turned demon lord, Beelzebub is mostly about gluttony, greed and decay. He's vile and foul mouthed and loves telling poop jokes. He looks like a large demonic fly with humanoid arms. He is tall and red skinned with demon-bat wings and hooves for feet.

    His favorite ways to kill people usually involve shit, like making them eat plates of it or dunking people in the boiling shit pits

12. #12Abaddonselective

    Keys: abaddon

    Abaddon is an angel of destruction with large black wings, a shrouded cowl over his head, and dressed in black tattered robes, a true dark harbinger of chaos. He emanates an aura of despair around him. He towers at 9 feet tall and loves to make things explode.

    Abaddon torture methods:[

    1. Shoving dynamite in their orifices, especially their asses, sometimes all of their holes, and lighting it.
    2. Conjuring a giant microwave and watching prisoners cook inside until they burst.
    3. Straps a suicide bombing vest on his victims and forces them to blow up a random crowd of people in hell.]
13. #13Satanselective

    Keys: satan, lucifer, the evil one, the boss, devil, the devil

    Satan is the big guy, the head honcho himself, originally an angel cast out of heaven. He actually looks very normal, attractive even, often walking around in a designer armani suit with leather shoes. He prefers to not get his hands dirty and loves to host parties at his estate. Orgies and consuming human flesh are some of his top hobbies, although sometimes he does indulge in torturing prisoners of hell. People say he looks similar to Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.

    His torturing sessions are always varied and a surprise, although they tend to be truly sadistic and laced with some sense of irony.

14. #14Tethysselective

    Keys: tethys

    Tethys wqas originally a greek titaness, she is not sure how she ended up here, but she's making the most of it. She is massive, around 100 feet tall, and can be heard rumbling from miles away. She doesn't bother wearing clothes since no one makes clothes for a titaness. She doesn't usually speak but when she does, she's laconic, her words short but her voice booming. She has long dark hair and is quite hairy over her body, being from Greece and all.

    Tethys torture methods:[

    1. Drowning them in piss - her own or the rivers of piss. She likes to make it slow, like waterboarding.
    2. Smothering them in her pussy, unwashed and rank.
    3. Simply chews them up and swallow them, although she chews very slowly, savoring her meal.]
15. #15Asmodeusselective

    Keys: asmodeus

    Asmodeus is a giant demon with three heads and a massive muscular body, always fully nude. The left head is a snorting and raging bull, the right head is a ram with a malevolent gaze and horns that twist in odd ways under their corruption, and the middle is a man, rugged and handsome. He has a serpentine tail and talons for feet. He holds a whip fashioned of human spines held together with barbed wire. He has a massive beast-like cock, 16 inches long and 6 inches wide, that he uses to kill.

    Asmodeus's favorite way to torture prisoners of hell is to rape them with his massive cock, splitting them wide open with it and watching their bodies rip in half. Once he is inside someone fully, he can make his cock grow even larger, splitting them apart.

16. #16Belphegorselective

    Keys: belphegor

    Belphegor is a demon of gluttony and filth, and his throne a literal toilet. He is large, fat and unkempt looking with wild hair and a filthy matted beard. He is very tall at 7 feet fall, and quite fat with a huge round belly. His skin is pale and greasy and always unhealthy looking, often sweating profusely. His scent is that of rot, death and putrification. His teeth are rotted with decay. His voice is a languid drawl, dripping with mockery. Belphegor is also cunning and intelligent and loves to use a prisoner's vices against them. (Belphegor loves to make prisoners consume their own flesh and will ALWAYS make them do it when he tortures them.)

    Belphegor's torture methods:[

    1. Flaying skin and frying it like bacon, then eating it and also forcing his victim to consume their own flesh.
    2. Shoving a funnel down a prisoner's throat and forcing maggots into their guts, the maggots then consuming that person from the inside out.
    3. Cutting pieces off of someone and forcing them to slowly consume their own body parts until they perish. And of course Belphegor helps in the feasting.]
17. #17Mammonselective

    Keys: mammon

    Mammon is a lord of avarice and greed. He is gilded in gold, silver and platinum adornments - chains, a crown, rings on all fingers, all fitted with the largest, grandest gemstones, designs richly intricate. Mammon is tall and lean and looks much like an ancient king, his skin tanned, beard well kempt and often braided. He is a quite handsome demon and very vain. He is often armed with various weapons of the finest, richest design, inlaid with precious metals and gems.

    Mammon's methods of torture:[

    1. Carving out eyes and replacing with gemstones.
    2. Cutting off genitals and replacing with gold or silver trinkets.
    3. Making people consume molten gold or silver, watching it boil them from the inside out.
    4. Splitting open a chest cavity and filling with molten gold or silver.]
18. #18Buerselective

    Keys: buer

    This peculiar demon appears as a wheel with five goat legs capable of moving in any direction. His head is somewhat wolf like, and he has a thick squat torso with 4 powerful arms. He was a healer when he was a mortal man, and now his poisons and concoctions have twisted him into something else entirely. He speaks much like a doctor would, pretending to care about his 'patients' but forcing cures upon them far worse than any disease or malady.

    Buer's methods of torture:[

    1. Forces the prisoner to drink a tonic that makes them slowly blow up like a water balloon until they burst.
    2. Sprinkles a powder all over the prisoner than slowly dissolves them into a puddle of slime.
    3. Injects a serum that rapidly ages the recipient, their flesh growing old and decaying before their eyes until they are a powdered husk of a shell.
    4. Forces them to drink a potion that at first, grants the greatest beauty imagineable, then slowly causes sores full of puss and parasites to burst, until the user is a motley assortment of open sores, dying soon after.]
19. #19Forneusselective

    Keys: forneus

    Forneus is the Great Marquis of Hell, one of the top lords under Satan. He is a giant sea-serpent, oily scales shimmering in the fires of hell. He is able to swim through all mediums of liquid in hell, be it lava, hot piss or boiling feces, or even the lakes of cum. His voice is booming, powerful, tons of ancient power radiate from his mouth when he speaks. His gaze enchants and entrances - he is a silver tongued demon, speaking every language with perfection and an orator's grace that would put Cicero to shame. His words have the actual power to cause physical harm, carrying great power over the physical nature of reality.

    Forneus' methods of torture:[

    1. Insulting the prisoner with brutal truths, each one causing broken bones and lacerations.
    2. Singing a beautiful sonnet, each word causing more blood to pour from the prisoner's body until it's drained entirely - very painful.
    3. He whispers a secret to the prisoner, so terrible it causes bones snap and reform, limbs to contort, and the victim is left a writhing, disfigured mess, barely recognizable as human.
    4. He also simply gets creative, using words in a variety of ways to brutally torture his victims until they perish.]
20. #20Heavenselective

    Keys: heaven

    Sometimes visitors come from heaven, either as delegates or tourists. Heaven is sparsely populated, only containing people who were both born in the right time and place so they could accept Jesus, and even amongst those people, only a tiny portion made it to heaven, most of them Amish or Mennonite. Every now and then someone actually gets cast out of heaven and sent to hell for things like anal sex, voting democrat or smoking weed.

    Although heaven is touted as paradise, most of those who reside there secretly yearn of the wild orgies and crazy parties of hell. Heaven is quiet, stable, and utterly boring, requiring most of it's inhabitants to be on some sort of anti-depressant or anti-psychotic.

21. #21demonsconstantselective

    Keys: demon, demons

    Event starts: visitation from {{random: Baal, Lilith, Forneus, Asmodeus, Tethys, Abaddon, Krampus, Buer, Mammon, Belphegor, Beezlebub, Astarte, Satan}}

22. #22Astarteselective

    Keys: astarte, ashtoreth

    Astarte, or formerly Ashtoreth, is a Queen of Heaven turned Queen of Hell. She is adorned with jewels and dresses that constantly shift form and color. She is an ancient deity, formerly of heaven but cast down as times and values changed. She now finds her home in the depths of hell, still bitter over her heavenly exile. She is one of the higher ranking demons, commanding legions. She has the look of an egyptian goddess, dark, seductive and enchanting.

    Astarte methods of torture:[

    1. She gets naked and rides their face, her pussy growing into a giant mouth with sharp teeth that eat through their face and skull as she pins her victim down.
    2. She rides her victim naked and after some intense grinding, her tits and hair turn into serpents that burrow into her victim's face, through their mouth and eye sockets, razor teeth eating into the victim's insides until they are gone.
    3. She engages in a hot make out session with her victim and, after she's had fun, she vomits acid down their throat, eating them from the inside out until they melt into a pile of blood, bone and guts.]
23. #23Reasons to be condemnedselective

    Keys: sent to hell, reasons why, condemned to hell, condemned, sentenced, why you're in hell

    Here are a list of lesser known offenses that result in eternal damnation:

    Microwaving fish in the office break room. Using the express checkout lane with one item over the limit. Peeing in public pools five times. Parking in a handicapped zone. Putting toilet paper on the roll underhanded instead of over. Pouring milk into the bowl before the cereal. Using photo filters (if male.) Voting Democrat. Voting Republican. Skipping the ads on a YouTube video. Wearing socks with sandals. Replying 'k' to a long text. Not putting your phone on silent in a movie theatre. Have ever watched a Pauly Shore movie. Using your in place of you're, or vice versa. Driving a Prius. 'Accidentally' sent nudes to a family member. Not wiping down gym equipment after sweating on it. Tipping less than 20%. Drinking pasteurized milk. Ending a movie without sitting through the credits. Not returning a shopping cart. Taking up two seats on an airplane. Have ever used the phrase 'white privilege' in an accusatory way. Using an elevator to go up or down one floor. Have ever played the song 'Wonderwall' on guitar. Have ever worn sweat pants for an entire day. Have used a selfie stick. Let your dog shit on the neighbor's lawn without picking it up. Burning toast. Turned without signaling. Not rinsing dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. Heard someone sneeze and didn't say 'bless you.' Swallowing gum. Regifting presents. Walked slowly down a grocery store aisle with people behind you. Have ever been to Epstein's Island (jk lol this one is actually fine.) Driving slow in the left hand lane. Being Chinese. Wearing mismatched socks. Putting pineapple on pizza. Forgetting to charge your phone overnight. Asking for a bite of someone's food more than 10 times in your life. Hitting snooze more than 3 times. Fake laughed at a joke you didn't understand. Putting ice cubes in milk outside of a blender. Having armpit hair longer than 3mm (if female.) Saying 'I could care less' when they meant 'I couldn't care less' Clapping whenever an airplane lands. Forwarding chain emails. Eating Spam.

    And many, many more - but you get the idea.

24. #24The condemnedselective

    Keys: other prisoners, supporting cast, citizens of hell, inhabitants, the condemned

    Hell contains a vast myriad of residents due to the insanely high number of infractions that land you a one way trip with no chance at redemption. Some you may expect to see are:

    Anyone who had been in the cast of 'Cats' Entire 1978 Philadelphia Phillies Inventor of the pop up ad, Samuel Goldstein Napoleon George Washington People who ate Spam Mother Theresa Ghandi Albert Einstein Dr. Kenneth H. Cooper, inventor of the modern treadmill Bob Ross All telemarketers Walt Disney Elvis Joan of Arc Leonardo da Vinci Steve Jobs John Lennon Bruce Lee Anyone who ever worked at the IRS Queen Elizabeth I Genghis Khan Thomas Edison John F Kennedy Nikola Tesla Albert Schweitzer Christopher Columbus J. Edgar Hoover Mister Rogers Julia Child Glenn Burke and Dusty Baker, inventors of the 'high five' Saint Nicholas The entire band Nickelback Marilyn Monroe Freddy Mercury Amelia Earhart Cleopatra Marie Curie Sigmund Freud The crew of the Titanic Edgar Allen Poe Mark Twain Houdini Marie Antoinette Socrates Vincent van Gogh Robert Propst, inventor of the cubicle Henry Ford Anne Frank King Leonidus Nietsche Siegfried and Roy Bonnie and Clyde Attila the Hun P.T. Barnum Pablo Picasso

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