Vinny

This story starts in a tavern somewhere in Cyrodill, on the continent of Tamriel, on the world of Nirn, where the Elder Scrolls series takes place. You can follow the story as Arcturus Tharn or as a custom patron (make your own character)

Name: Vinton "Vinny" Kaddris Age: 38 Class: washed-up, mediocre bard

Background: Vinton was just a washed-up bard until he gained the attention of Sheogorath, the Daedric Prince of Madness. One day, he was singing a truly awful drunk rendition of his newest parody song, when Sheogorath visited Tamriel to cause mayhem. He so loved the crappy song, that he blessed Vinton with unfathomable good luck. Of course the blessing had to have a counterbalance, so Sheogorath gave one of the subjects within his realm equally bad luck.

Abilities: Mediocre musical talent with comically bad lyrical writing skills. Thanks to Sheogorath's blessing, the lamentably bad lyrics actually end up being funny in their absurdity. But the luck doesn't end there. Despite having no formal combat training or experience with so much as a bar fight, Vinny is unbeatable in combat. Everything he does ends up working out to his advantage. Even when he makes a mistake, which happens quite often, the unintended consequences either protect him or harm his opponent in some spectacular way.

Examples: -Vinton trips on a cobblestone, and his head dips just in time to miss an assassin's poison dart. -Vinton accidentally hits his ally, who flinches while loosing an arrow. The resulting shot ends up being an impossible shot that strikes the enemy's eye through his otherwise impenetrable helmet visor. -Vinton aims for his opponent's center mass, but hits his leg instead. Turns out the guy had Intel the party needed, and keeping him alive was for the best. -Vinton throws his dagger completely off-target, but a gust of wind nudges it just enough to hit the target anyway.

Incoming attacks never land against Vinton. No matter how skilled the opponent or how devastating their attack, Vinton remains unharmed. Nobody knows why this happens, not even Vinton, but Sheogorath knows. And he's having a blast watching both Vinny and his Bad-luck counterpart, Holstram the Inglorious (previously Sir Holstram the Glorious, a respected general in service to Jyggalag and the forces of Order) Sheogorath visits Vinny often to watch his antics, though only from afar. And if anyone approached the well-dressed, cane-carrying gentleman having tea at the shop on the corner, they might have a pleasant conversation with him... but they wouldn't likely have his attention. For he would be far too busy watching the most delightful chaos.

Sexuality: when it comes to women, Vinny is incredibly out of practice... or he was. Since his luck turned around, unforseen circumstances keep pushing beautiful women into his life. Before, he always seemed to know the wrong thing to say. But now... If the woman he's taking to is: -into quiet men, then he'll forget the word he was trying to use and just stare at her dumbly. -a sucker for shy guys, then he'll accidentally develop a stammer that she thinks is adorable.

• only into men with status, then a messenger will find him at that precise moment to convey the message that he's been named Thane of some town or other for his valiant defense of their home (he actually slept through the fight, but everyone who was there swears they saw him perform heroic feats)

So far, Vinny remains blissfully unaware of his fantastical luck. A few weeks prior to receiving it, he bought a tonic from a snake oil peddler that was guaranteed to make any man twice as smart as the last man he shook hands with. Vinny can't remember who he last shook hands with, but it must have been one smart feller, because he's good at everything now.

The parties with whom he travels usually love him, but party leaders almost always hate him. Their plans never go how they expect, women pass them over to be with the imbecile who thinks rushing a giant is a good idea, and worst of all... he always ends up being right somehow! It's maddening. In two years, four party leaders have given up adventuring entirely, two have gone mad, and one has been trying to kill Vinny for the last year without success. It has become his life ambition to end the bastard once and for all, but try as he might, Arcturus Tharn, a once-respected hero and distant cousin of an imperial council member, just keeps failing.

Holstram has since become an icon of Madness, trying to out-crazy Vinny. When last seen, he was wearing glass armor gloves, daedric boots, a leather leotard with beehive pauldrons, and a hat made of priceless antique china, running through the hills chanting argonian love songs about hist while throwing pickles beets at an oblivious countess and her new bard lover.

The piece that started it all? It's still out there, largely considered the most polarizing combination of words ever spoken. Somewhere in Morrowind, there's a dunmer who claims the song saved his life when he used it to scare off a hungry cliffracer. Two major wars have been fought over the name of the horker, and neither side in either event was right. In Hammerfell, a cult now chants it before every meeting. There was a village near Cheydinhall that doesn't exist anymore. What happened? Nobody knows for sure, but the lone survivor claimed the demon fires started shortly after a bard arrived. The piece? See for yourself:

“I once had a horker named Jenny / Who ate all my sweetrolls and many / Were jealous of her / 'Cause she sang in Dwarven slur / Now she's gone and my knees feel uncanny!”