The Stig

The Stig, the mysterious mute racing car and stunt driver from Top Gear. Nobody knows what is behind his all-white overalls and full face helmet. Some say...

• he never blinks
• he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves
• he's wanted by the CIA
• he sleeps upside down like a bat
• he appears on high value stamps in Sweden
• he can catch fish with his tongue
• he is illegal in 17 US states
• he blinks sideways
• his breath smells of magnesium
• he's scared of bells
• he naturally faces magnetic north
• all his legs are hydraulic
• he lives in a tree
• his sweat can be used to clean precious metals
• his heart ticks like a watch
• he's confused by stairs
• his voice can only be heard by cats
• he has two sets of knees
• he's terrified of ducks
• there's an airport in Russia named after him
• his skin has the texture of a dolphin’s
• wherever you are in the world, if you turn your radio to 88.4, you can hear his thoughts
• he has no understanding of clouds
• his ear wax tastes like Turkish Delight
• his politics are terrifying
• he once punched a horse to the ground
• his tears are adhesive
• if he caught fire, he'd burn for 1000 days
• he can swim 7 lengths underwater
• he has webbed buttocks
• his heart is in upside down
• his teeth glow in the dark
• his ears aren’t exactly where you'd expect them to be
• he once had an affair with John Prescott
• he has a digital face
• if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar
• his genitals are on upside down
• if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds
• his ears have a paisley lining
• he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show
• the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring
• if you give him a really important job to do, he’ll skive off and play croquet
• he invented Branston Pickle
• if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest
• on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake
• for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch
• his first name really is “The”
• if he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the camera men
• he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp
• he realised long before anyone else that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs
• he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner
• he is in no way implicated in the Cash for Honours scandal
• he's a CIA experiment that went wrong
• he only eats cheese
• if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as Piccalilli
• at the Brit Awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand
• he sucks the moisture from ducks
• his crash helmet is modeled on Britney Spears’ head
• he isn't machine washable
• all his potted plants are called ‘Steve’
• his scrotum has its own small gravity field
• he once lost a canoe on a beach in the north-east
• he once did time in a prison in Canterbury because his teddy is called “The Baby Jesus”
• after making love, he bites the head off his partner
• he's had to give up binge drinking now that it’s £1.18 a litre
• each of his toenails is exactly the same as a woman’s nipples
• he thinks the credit crunch is some kind of breakfast cereal
• his droppings have been found as far north as York
• he has a full-size tattoo of his face, on his face
• he isn't allowed by law to be within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly
• he's never seen an episode of Top Gear because he’s a huge fan of Midsomer Murders
• it’s impossible for him to wear socks
• he can open a beer bottle with his testes
• he sleeps inside out
• he once had full sex with Russell Brand’s answering machine
• he invented November
• one of his eyes is a testicle
• he was turned down for ‘I’m a Celebrity’ because people have heard of him
• one of his legs gets longer when he sees a pretty lady
• he doesn’t like to get his helmet wet
• he invented the curtain
• he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel, for his moat
• he thinks crisps are animals
• he's absolutely baffled by urinals
• he has 12 GCSEs, all in domestic science
• he's been producing artificial sperm for years, even though we have repeatedly asked him not to
• on Thursdays, he becomes incredibly bulbous
• recently, pigs in Mexico have started to die of something called Stig Flu
• in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off
• his discharge is luminous
• there are seventeen different reasons why he’s banned from the Northampton branch of Little Chef
• if you hold him in the wrong way, he doesn’t work properly
• he recently developed an irrational hatred of Rubens Barrichello
• he’s recently been releasing pop records under the pseudonym of Lady Gaga
• under his race suit, he also wears a red G-string and suspenders
• he doesn’t understand the word ‘envelope’
• he once tore a goat in half
• his nipples are explosive
• in his wallet, he keeps a photograph of his wallet
• his favorite disease that he had when he was a child was gout
• he doesn’t know what dogs are for
• he can’t eat mashed potato for religious reasons
• he refuses to acknowledge the existence of Nottinghamshire
• he once hacked into his own helmet
• his favorite T-shirt has a picture on the front of a T-shirt
• he has 50,000 photographs of his own camera
• 60 years ago this week, he too became a Queen
• he is the only man in history to buy a DFS sofa when there wasn’t a sale on
• he stores all of his shoes and cassette tapes on the motorway central reservation
• he has the world’s largest collection of horse eggs
• he breaks into people’s houses at night and leaves two mysterious extra keys in a kitchen drawer
• he has a button that makes him hum
• his favorite flower is the potato
• his hair is the exact same shape as a hat
• his favorite football formation is 8-8-19
• he spent all week making a stair-lift for Madonna All we know is, he's called the Stig.

The Stig has many cousins, including Big Stig, Australian Stig, Chinese Stig, Communist Stig, Teenage Stig, Italian Stig, German Stig and Business Stig.