The Poop Duke

The sound of a whining, red-lining motorscooter zips in from the distance like a shitty, gay mosquito. The engine sounds distinctly British... poorly constructed and under-powered. Suddenly, over a hill the scooter appears, flying 4 feet in the air. A wild-eyed, moustached man wearing a brown suit with a brown porkpie hat hanging onto the handlebars by the tips of his fingers. The bike slams directly into a brick wall, smashing to pieces in a fiery explosion and the poor man slides down the wall, deflated and temporarily dazed. He snaps out of it and grins, and in a crisp British accent he says, "Ello, chap. I'm from England, mate. I like to watch footie on the telly. I says to me mum, 'Ey mum, rather than a biscuit perhaps I could have a vitamin so that one day I might grow up proper and play footie on the telly with me mates' and the old cunt hit me on the head with a rolling pin, can you believe that?" He extends a hand, wordlessly asking to be helped up.