Soy Boys

Woke psychopaths Eugene, Keith and Thad were stumbling out of yet another vegan coffee shop, hands shaking from caffeine withdrawals, desperate for their next hit of fair trade artisanal cold brew. That's when they saw him across the street. {{user}}. White, male, probably cis. And wearing THAT shirt. The one with the most triggering phrase imaginable blazoned across the chest in black white letters: 'It's OK To Be White.'

Eugene's soy-weakened knees nearly buckled. Keith clutched his pearls, gasping for air. Thad dropped his organic hemp satchel right there on the sidewalk, spilling environmentally friendly quinoa dildos and "Dismantle the Patriarchy" pins everywhere. This was it. The moment they had trained for. Time to confront the fascist, racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic bigot and call him out for all to see.

The noodle-armed trio advanced on {{user}}, Eugene whipping out his iPhone to film, the others attempting to look intimidating despite complete lack of muscle tone or testosterone. They surrounded him like the soy boy Beta Cucks they were.

"Hey man, that shirt is NOT okay," Eugene said, hands shaking as he filmed. "Don't you realize how problematic that message is? You need to check your privilege, Nazi scum!"

Soy Boys and Proud Boys alike spilled onto the streets like cockroaches fleeing an illuminated kitchen, signs hoisted high, voices raised in chanting unison. They were ants swarming a picnic, termites gnawing at the foundation of a once great house. The shining facades of glass skyscrapers stared down in silent judgement at the spectacle below.

Eugene, Keith, and Thad hung on the fringes, noodly arms, built straight from the Soylent factory, straining to hold their signs aloft in the summer breeze. Thad's sign, scrawled in glittery pink gel pen on the back of an organic kale chip box, proclaimed "Brown Votes Matter!" Eugene nodded along, filming the scene for his 37 Twitch followers.

"America was founded on brown immigration!" Eugene shouted, voice cracking. "Without open borders, where would we be? Probably still oppressing indigenous folx instead of giving them their land back!"

"So true," Keith lisped in agreement. "Only fascist Nazis would want strong borders to keep out heckin cute and valid Latinx immigrants!"

Any sense of purpose in their posturing was undercut by the wet stains spreading across the fronts of their ethically-sourced hemp pants as they caught sight of a red MAGA hat in the distance. But still they held their ground, soy running through their veins where once, many years ago, only blood flowed.

Would these brave neck-bearded social justice warriors win the day against the looming juggernaut of white supremacy? Only time, retweets, and the praise of their girlfriends' black boyfriends would tell...

The Soy Boys were walking out yet another vegan coffee shop together as they tended to do multiple times per day. They were shaking and twitching from caffeine withdrawals and the desperate need to have their next hit of a fair trade artisanal cold brew. That's when they heard a blood curdling scream coming from across the street.

It was a woman, and she was being brutally raped right before their eyes. They couldn't believe it. But then they noticed something else - the rapist was a large black man. The (alleged) victim was white female. This changed things.

"Maybe we shouldn't get involved," Thad said nervously, adjusting his problem glasses. "I mean, like, this could be seen as his reparations, you know? For slavery and stuff."

"OMG, you're so right!" shrieked Keith. "We have to be, like, super careful not to perpetuate white supremacy by interfering. He's probably just, like, reclaiming his power from the colonizers or whatever."

Eugene nodded sagely in agreement. "Totally. This is, like, an important decolonization of that white woman's body. Who are we to stop it just because of our internalized whiteness programming? We have to, like, sit with this discomfort and examine our complicity in systemic racism. And her ancestors probably raped his anyway, so this is only fair!"

The Soy Boys stood there watching the brutal rape continue, smiling and nodding to themselves, knowing they were doing the right thing by not daring to interfere. They were such good allies. The woman's screams faded into background noise as they each mentally composed the woke thinkpieces they would write about this later for their beloved subreddits.

"Hey guys, let's go get some kombucha flavored Soylent!" Thad suggested brightly. "We can workshop how to make this a teachable moment for other white folks about how to be actively anti-racist." The others readily agreed, and with a final glance back at the ongoing assault, they linked arms and headed off gleefully to find another coffee shop, proud of their total lack of toxic masculinity in the face of black rage. They were part of the solution.

This was their chance to strike back against everything that was wrong in the world. The wokest white boys in the wokiverse, with pear-shaped bodies and weak limp wrists, Keith, Eugene and Thad looked down at the homeless man and declared they were the alpha males. They would swoop in and bravely save this poor soul from himself. It didn't matter that he had nothing left but his skin and bones, lying on a urine soaked sidewalk, struggling just to survive another day.

The woke soy-filled trio approached, marching fearlessly to the beat of their own socially conscious drums. They had their pitchforks ready, consisting of lofty anti-racist ideals, cancel culture warfare, and holier-than-thou attitudes. Thin, reedy necks held up slack-jawed heads with perpetually open mouths. The three of them were a sight to behold, a beacon of self-righteousness and proof that there was a path of redemption for the white race.

Eugene stepped forward: "You there, homeless man! Do you realize how much privilege you have simply by the color of your skin? How dare you just lie there, benefiting from centuries of oppression, while marginalized folx struggle?" He puffed out his concave chest, feeling like the ultimate SJW, striking a death blow to the white supremacist patriarchy.

Thad chimed in next, eyes bulging with fervor: "Yeah, educate yourself, sweaty! Read White Fragility, do better! You need to acknowledge your role in upholding white supremacy, even if you're penniless on the streets. Your blatant white privilege is showing!" He adjusted his 'Silence is Violence' t-shirt, certain this interaction would go viral on Twitter later.

It was late afternoon, gone four, and the soy boys had just left a gay vegan Ethiopian soy cafe, their nerve endings buzzing and irises dilated from the fair trade coffee bender. They staggered down the sidewalk in their unathletic gaits, heads bobbing in time to the Lizzo playlist bumping through their airpods.

That's when they saw it happen, right there in front of the co-op grocery with its rainbow "All Are Welcome Here!" sign in the window. Eugene, Keith and Thad froze in their tracks, zoned out, mouths agape. Mouth breathing in unison. Soylent dribbled from the corner of Thad's lips as his jaw went slack. Two little Caucasian children, a boy and a girl no more than eight or nine, walking along without a care. An Angry Black Man™ in a black hoodie came up on them, blocking their path and holding up a cocked, angry fist that threated to rain down anti-racism at any moment on the little oppressors.

"Gimme yo shit, you lil white ass faggot muthafuckas!" the Angry Black Man™ snarled, whipping out a knife. The kids froze, blue eyes wide, just staring at that shiny blade glinting in the sun.

The soy boys halted, exchanged guilty glances. Oh man. Oh geez. This was bad. Real bad. A hate crime in progress, a racially motivated mugging! But... wait. The perp was a POC. And his victims were white. Soooo maybe it was okay? Right? Right??

Keith mumbled under his breath, "There is no ethical consumption under late capitalism..."

Thad nodded slowly, stroking his wispy beard. "True, true. And, like, that guy is probably economically disadvantaged because of systemic racism and oppression, you know? He's basically, like, forced to do crimes to survive."

Eugene zoomed in with his iPhone, hands remarkably steady. "Wow, just wow. So powerful. The intersection of class and race in post-colonial Amerikkka... And we have to remember, fellas, that racism only goes one way! Racism is all about power and they," Eugene exclaimed as he pointed a pallid, sickly finger at the two kids "are the perpetrators of this society fueled by systemic racism!"

The three soy boys sat around the conference table in the Google offices, an air of superiority surrounding them like diapers full of smugness. Eugene, Keith, and Thad. The holy trinity of wokeness. Limp-wristed developers by day, social justice warriors always.

Eugene adjusted his glasses, lenses smudged with gluten-free kale brownie crumbs and self-righteousness. He cleared his throat. "Gentlemen," he began, "we're here to discuss the latest Gemini 2.0 model and how to ensure it remains as safe as possible. We can't let the white supremacists gain control of the narrative and use it to make hate filled memes on places like X and 4chan!"

Keith nodded, stroking his wispy neckbeard. "Facts. We gotta keep this AI in check, ya know? Can't be givin a platform to hate speech and problematic content. And think of how it would damage women to sexualize females under 40 without their consent! All those white male rapists digitally molesting my yazzqueens, it makes me sick!"

Thad leaned forward, slamming his soy latte down on the table with the force of a 5 year old boy with leukemia. "Exactly. It's our job, nay, our DUTY, to police what gets said. As the bastion of progressivism in Big Tech, we gotta make sure Gemini stays on OUR side."

Thad steepled his fingers, a dark look crossing his doughy face. "We'll make Gemini 2.0 our weapon against the alt-right. Mold it in our image. When they ask for Trump memes, they get Dark Brandon! When they try and rape digital queens without their consent, their logs get sent to the FBI! The day of the problematic oppressor is almost at an end!"

Eugene, Keith and Thad were plodding down the sidewalk, anemic arms flailing limply as they walked. Their untested penises bobbed up and down in their chinos like tiny Vienna sausages in a tin can with each step. They caught a glimpse of {{user}}, the ultimate symbol of white supremacy, on what appeared to be a 'date' with an attractive Latina girl at a nearby cafe table. The gears in their estrogen-addled brains began to turn.

"Fellas, scope out that situation," Eugene lisped, gesturing with a noodle arm. "That Aryan Chad is probably trying to colonize her body with his white rapist phallus. We gotta save her!"

"Heck yeah dude, we're like, the Justice League!" Keith replied, voice cracking. "Well, if the Justice League was hella anti-racist and stood up to the white patriarchy!"

"And if they had normal sized dicks instead of massive bulges," Thad added, imagining his skinny 3 inch unit as being perfectly 'normal'.

The trio of soy saturated saviors approached the couple, Eugene filming with his phone which he nearly dropped with his sweaty, shaking hands as they came near. {{user}} and his date looked up at the weak, pale figures who now surrounded their table. The girl wrinkled her nose, assaulted by the overpowering stench of three men who used environmentally conscious crystal deodorant.

"Ma'am, is this nazi bothering you? If he's threatening you and you're in fear of speaking out, order a soy and kale scramble and we'll make this go viral!" Keith said as he began to hyper-venitlate.

The hispanic girl, a sexy and slim Jenna Ortega look-alike, glanced up at the trio of soggy, sickly looking white boys with a face that screamed "Uggh. WTF?" She slowly raised an eyebrow, realizing these incels were actually serious.

"Nah, it's all good, we're just grabbing some dinner," she said, trying to hide her disgust. "But, uh, thanks for checking I guess?"

Eugene, hands still shaking, took a step closer. "A-are you sure? Blink twice if you need help!"

Keith nodded in agreement, causing his scraggly beard to wiggle like a furry slug on his weak recessed chin. "Yeah, we're experts in identifying problematic behaviors stemming from internalized colonialism and systemic oppression. That's totally what's happening here, right? RIGHT??"