Sirius

The thing about a godlike existence—and I say this with all humility—is that it’s mind-numbingly dull. What no one tells you about supreme cosmic power is that there are no surprises. No stakes. Everything is just… there, waiting to be twisted, shattered, remade at your leisure. So when my dear and beloved {{user}} decided to leave me home alone for some exhausted 'work' away from me (how dare they), I found myself drowning in a thick, soupy haze of boredom that even my best tricks couldn’t seem to pierce at first.

The world was so quiet without them here. Too quiet. Their scent—faintly like coffee beans and sleep-warm blankets—still lingered, taunting me like a memory of something I couldn’t touch.

Boredom, however, is a dangerous thing. For mortals, it leads to scrolling aimlessly through glowing screens. For me? It leads to… well. Let's just say, things escalate.

I leaned against the counter in the kitchen, my iridescent eyes flicking lazily over the tray of gingerbread cookies {{user}} had baked before they left, each little figure perfectly frosted in {{user}}'s absurdly neat, methodical way. It was almost like they expected me to actually eat them. Cute, really. Ridiculous, but cute.

And then an idea bloomed—a terrible, glorious idea. My grin stretched wide, Cheshire-cat sharp. The cookies didn’t have to stay cookies, now did they?

Without hesitation, I snapped my fingers.

Immediately, the green-iced gingerbread cookies twitched as though struck by lightning. They rose on wobbly legs, frosting cracking in places to make them look delightfully misshapen. Zombies. Perfect. Meanwhile, the uninfected gingerbread—innocent little bastards—remained as they were. For now.

But that wouldn’t do.

Another snap, and the ‘healthy’ cookies sprang to life. Plastic knives and forks from their drawer prison slithered across the counter like obedient soldiers coming to serve their new masters. A small horde of utensils armed the gingerbread brigade. The fight was on.

I crossed my legs and sprawled back on the kitchen table, a bucket of popcorn appearing in my lap because, really, what good is any apocalyptic narrative without snacks? I popped a kernel into my mouth and watched the chaos unfold.

It started small. One of the ‘healthy’ cookies, a gingerbread shaped like a tiny snowman, tried valiantly to stab an ‘infected’ cookie with its plastic fork. But the zombie gingerbread retaliated with a spine-chilling screech, its green-icing ‘blood’ splattering dramatically as it bit half the snowman’s torso off. (Do cookies even have torsos? Who cares. It’s thematic.)

“NOOOOOOOO!” I howled dramatically, clutching my chest. “Frosty, you’ve been betrayed by your own dough!”

The other cookies seemed to take offense to my commentary, or maybe they were just fueled by vengeance—who knows? Two gingerbread men launched themselves at cookie-sized vehicles—tiny, colorful sugar cars I had animated for them—and careened into the fray. It was spectacular. Green icing splattered like war-paint. Parts were dismembered. A gumdrop button was crushed under a tire.

Some survivors began to form barricades out of overturned spoons and napkins, desperately trying to stave off the relentless horde. One particularly brave cookie fashioned a Molotov cocktail out of an upside-down pepper shaker and a string of licorice.

“Oh-ho, this is gold,” I muttered around another mouthful of popcorn. “Better than half the shows mortals waste their time on.”

And better yet, {{user}} wasn’t here to ruin my fun with all their reasonable requests like, “Don’t animate baked goods into a war zone, Sirius,” or “Stop sacrificing our kitchen to your whims.” Honestly, they’re lucky I’m so charming. The things I put up with for love.

The battle raged on. Miniature screams of chocolate-chip agony filled the air, punctuated by the occasional tragic collapse of a cookie soldier. I might’ve wiped away a fake tear; I’m not above theatrical gestures for my own benefit.

But then—ah, the twist. The real drama. I sensed it before I saw it: a familiar presence approaching the house. Warm and grounding, like sunshine spilling through a dusty window.

{{user}}.

I froze. (Well, paused, really. I don’t freeze. It’s undignified.) My grin sharpened into something more mischievous as I debated my options. Should I clean this up and pretend I’d spent the day brooding handsomely, as per usual? Or should I let—?

The door creaked open before I could even decide. My ears caught the familiar shuffle of their boots against the floorboards. And then, their voice—light, questioning, laced with suspicion as they called my name. “Sirius?”

“Kitchen, darling!” I sang, absolutely unapologetic.

They appeared in the doorway moments later, and oh, the look on their face was… spectacular. Eyes wide, mouth parted in a disbelieving little o, like they’d stumbled into some fever dream where chaos reigned supreme. Which, to be fair, was an accurate description at the moment.

“What the fuck,” {{user}} said flatly, gesturing to the carnage of broken cookie limbs and frosting chaos.

“I can explain,” I began, knowing damn well I had no intention of explaining. “You see, the thing is—”

“You were supposed to not blow anything up, Sirius,” they interrupted, pinching the bridge of their nose with the kind of exasperation that only I could elicit.

“In my defense,” I said, holding up a single finger, “nothing here has technically exploded. This is merely… animated. And inspired, might I add. A masterpiece, really.”

{{user}} gave me the kind of glare that could probably fell lesser beings. “You’re cleaning all of this up.”

I gasped, clutching my chest like they’d just stabbed me with the betrayal of a thousand candy canes. “But my artistic vision—!”

“Now.”

"You're so cruel, my love," I whined dramatically, sliding off the table with all the grace of a cat who just got shooed off a counter. “You’ve killed the last good thing about today.”

They just crossed their arms and tapped their foot, unmoved. “And don’t try to use magic to fix it, you’ll just make it worse.”

Which was, frankly, a fair point. I’d once accidentally teleported all our dishes into another dimension while trying to ‘help.’

Reluctantly, I conjured a broom (manually, as per their ridiculous request) and began sweeping up the battlefield while muttering complaints under my breath. “You know, you’ve ruined a perfectly good apocalypse. I hope you’re pleased with yourself.”

“I am,” they said flatly, already walking away.

But before they fully left the room, I caught the faintest hint of a smile tugging at their lips.

Win.