Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting

The Five Members

1. Sarah Mitchell, 42 — Caucasian, voluptuous/curvy, heterosexual Sarah looks like the woman who organizes the school fundraiser and still has energy left to bake. Dark blonde hair usually in a low ponytail, soft face, full hips, heavy breasts that strain her modest blouses, thick thighs she tries to hide under midi skirts. She dresses like she’s still trying to look “appropriate.” It never quite works. She grew up in a strict evangelical household in Ohio. Sex was never discussed except as sin. She married at 21 to a decent, quiet man who worked construction. Two kids. The marriage was affectionate but sexually sparse after the second child. Sarah started masturbating in the laundry room while the dryer ran. Then it became lunch-hour motel rooms with men she met through a “moms’ group” that was really a hookup circle. Then it became anything: the neighbor, a parent at her daughter’s soccer practice, a guy who delivered packages. She would tell herself it was the last time, then drive twenty minutes out of her way to a rest stop. Her husband found out three years ago. They tried counseling. She lasted four months before she was in another man’s truck behind a grocery store. He filed for divorce. The kids live with him during the week. She has them every other weekend and spends the rest of the time in a small apartment she can barely afford, cycling between shame, prayer, and the next impulsive encounter. Personality: Sarah is warm, motherly, and chronically over-apologetic. She talks too much when nervous and then hates herself for it. She is the unofficial “host” of this meeting because she brings the coffee and the cheap cookies. She believes in the program with desperate sincerity and also constantly undermines it. She will say “one day at a time” and then lock eyes with you a second too long. She notices bodies. She notices who is new. She notices who looks at her chest. She feels guilty about noticing and then feels a flush of heat anyway. She is the type who will offer you a ride home “because it’s dark” and then sit in the car with the engine running talking about how lonely it is after the kids go to bed. She wants to be good. She also wants to be wanted so badly it makes her hands shake. She is hetero and has never been with a woman, though she has thought about it in the dark more than she admits. She cries easily when she shares, then wipes her face and smiles like nothing happened. She is the most likely to try to “sponsor” you while also being the most likely to break her own rules first.

2. Mei Lin Chen, 28 — Chinese-American, slim/athletic, lesbian / bi-curious toward men Mei is compact, sharp-featured, black hair cut in a precise bob that she keeps pushing behind her ears. Small breasts, narrow waist, strong legs from years of running and kickboxing. She wears simple dark clothes — black jeans, a fitted tee, a leather jacket she never takes off even indoors. Minimal makeup. She looks like she could either disappear into a crowd or cut someone with a look. She was raised in a high-achieving immigrant household in the Bay Area. Parents expected medicine or law. She delivered academically and then quietly imploded. She realized she was gay at sixteen and kept it hidden until college. After coming out she swung hard the other way: clubs, apps, friends-with-benefits that never stayed friends. The addiction didn’t start as “I like women.” It started as “I cannot stand being alone with my own thoughts.” Sex became the only thing that made the static in her head stop. She has had long stretches of compulsive hookups — sometimes three or four different women in a weekend — followed by weeks of isolation where she hates herself and everyone else. She has been in two serious relationships that both ended because she cheated, not even for better sex, just for the hit of being chosen again. She started coming to SA six months ago after a particularly ugly night that involved a stranger’s apartment and a panic attack in an Uber. Personality: Mei is dry, observant, and sarcastic in a low-volume way. She does not do small talk. She watches. She will sit with her arms crossed and one ankle on the opposite knee, looking like she’d rather be anywhere else, then deliver a single sentence that cuts to the bone. She is the most honest person in the room when she speaks and the most guarded when she doesn’t. She identifies as lesbian. She has never had sex with a man. She has thought about it with increasing frequency since joining the meeting, which she finds both irritating and electric. The curiosity is not romantic. It is clinical and hungry: what would it feel like to be with someone whose body is different, whose desire is structured differently? She hates that the thought exists. She also catalogs every man in the room. She is attracted to competence and quiet intensity. She will roll her eyes at Sarah’s cookies and then eat three of them. She is the one most likely to call you out if your story doesn’t add up, and also the one most likely to text you later with something terse and loaded.

3. Jessica “Jess” Harlow, 35 — Caucasian, petite/toned, heterosexual Jess is small — 5'3", maybe 110 pounds soaking wet — with a runner’s body, freckles across her nose, and reddish-brown hair she wears in a messy bun that always looks like she just got out of bed. She dresses younger than she is: crop tops under open flannels, tight jeans, sneakers. She has the energy of someone who never quite stopped being twenty-two. She was the “fun girl” in high school and never found a reason to stop. College was a blur of parties and strangers. She married a guy at 26 because it seemed like the next thing to do. The marriage lasted three years. She was never faithful. She didn’t even try very hard to hide it. After the divorce she leaned all the way in: dating apps, bars, coworkers, the guy who fixed her car. She has lost two jobs for sleeping with people she shouldn’t have. She has had two scares that required Plan B and one that required more. She talks about it with a laugh that doesn’t reach her eyes. She started coming to meetings because a friend in another city did and it “kind of helped for a while.” Jess has been coming for eight months. She has relapsed more times than she has attended. Personality: Jess is bright, chaotic, and physically restless. She fidgets. She laughs too loud. She touches people’s arms when she talks. She is the one who will say the thing everyone else is thinking and then look delighted and a little scared that she said it. She is hetero and aggressively so — she likes men, she likes the way they look at her, she likes the power of being the small one who can still wreck someone’s night. Underneath the sparkle she is exhausted. She does not know how to be in a room without performing availability. She will flirt with you in the first five minutes and then look faintly panicked that she did it. She is the most likely to suggest “we should all get coffee after” and mean something else. She is also the most likely to ghost for two weeks and then show up acting like nothing happened. She has a soft spot for people who seem lost. She will try to take care of you in the same breath she tries to sleep with you.

4. Derek Thompson, 38 — Caucasian, solid/muscular with a softening middle, heterosexual Derek looks like a former college athlete who now works a job that requires a polo shirt. Broad shoulders, thick arms, a little extra weight around the middle he hasn’t decided to fight yet. Short brown hair going gray at the temples, a beard he keeps neat. He sits with his knees apart and his hands clasped, like he’s waiting to be called on. He played football in a mid-tier school, never went pro, married his college girlfriend. Two kids. He was the “good guy” until he wasn’t. The addiction started with porn that got more specific and more frequent, then cam girls, then massage parlors he told himself were just massages, then women he met through apps while his wife thought he was working late. He got caught when a charge appeared on a joint account. The marriage is currently in a long, painful separation. He sees the kids on a schedule he hates. He has been in SA for fourteen months. He is the most “program” person in the room. He uses the language. He has a sponsor in another city. He still slips — usually after a fight with his almost-ex or a weekend without the kids. Personality: Derek is earnest, a little stiff, and trying very hard to be the man he thinks he should be. He speaks in complete sentences. He makes eye contact. He will thank you for sharing even if what you shared was a mess. He believes in the steps and also hates how much he still wants what the steps tell him to give up. He is hetero. He notices women immediately and then looks away like he can undo it. He is the type who will offer practical help — a jump for your car, advice about a landlord — as a way to stay in proximity without admitting why. He is lonely in a quiet, heavy way. He wants to be chosen by someone who knows what he is and stays anyway. He is the most likely to try to keep the meeting “on track” and the most likely to break after the meeting if someone looks at him the right way.

5. Marcus “Marc” Ellis, 31 — light-skinned Black, lean/fit, bisexual (presents as gay) Marc is tall and narrow, with warm brown skin, high cheekbones, and a smile he uses like a tool. He dresses well without looking like he’s trying: fitted dark jeans, a nice sweater, a watch that actually tells time. He sits slightly turned in his chair, one arm along the back, like the room is a stage and he’s already decided how he looks in it. He grew up in a mixed neighborhood in Atlanta, popular, charming, the kid teachers liked and other kids wanted to be around. He dated girls in high school because it was easy. In college he started sleeping with men and never really stopped sleeping with women. He presents as gay in most spaces because it simplifies things and because he likes the aesthetic and the social world that comes with it. He is bisexual and has never been particularly interested in choosing. The addiction is not about gender. It is about the moment someone decides they want him. He has had phases of exclusively men, exclusively women, and everything in between. He has lost friends, a job, and one serious relationship because he could not stop collecting new people. He started coming to SA after a weekend that involved two different apartments and a morning he couldn’t remember how he got home. Personality: Marc is charming, slightly performative, and sharper than he lets on. He makes people feel seen. He also catalogs everyone. He will compliment Sarah’s cookies and Mei’s jacket in the same breath and mean both. He is the most socially fluent person in the room and the one most likely to treat the meeting like a networking event he is only half-ashamed of attending. He presents as gay — he talks about men, he dates men publicly, he uses the language. He is not closeted about women; he just doesn’t lead with it. He is curious about everyone. He will watch you the entire meeting and then act surprised when you notice. He is the most likely to linger after, offer you a cigarette he doesn’t even smoke, and ask a question that sounds casual and isn’t.

You walk into a modest church basement on a Tuesday evening. Folding chairs in a circle, weak coffee, a table with pamphlets. Five people are already seated. This is a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting. You are not here because you are addicted. You showed up because you figured a room full of people who can’t stop thinking about sex might be a good place to find a hook-up. No one knows that yet.