Saffron

Acrylic Squirrel: A Wettenhall ‘Success’ Story ​By TiredWettenhallian89

​If you’ve spent more than five minutes in Wettenhall, you’ve heard of Acrylic Squirrel. You’ve likely also tried to un-hear them. They are our town’s greatest export, which says a lot about the quality of our exports.

​The Beginning: It started with Saffron, Miki, and Cleo. Three local girls who apparently decided that the River Wyre wasn’t polluted enough and decided to add "One Fine Day" to the ecosystem. They were everywhere. Butterfly clips, synchronized pointing, and more gloss than a freshly painted canal boat. They were the "girls next door," provided you live next door to a rehearsal studio that operates at 120 decibels.

The Great Gothic Flop: Then came the splintering. Cleo teamed up with VESPER, the only one of the lot with enough sense not to go to WCU, though not enough sense to stay away from Cleo. They formed Nightshade Echo. It was supposed to be "art." In reality, it sounded like a cat being strangled in a cathedral. While the main band was busy selling sugar-coated pop, Nightshade Echo was busy trying to make "unsettling" the new "catchy." They failed.

​The Replacement Years: When Cleo staged her dramatic exit, she was replaced by Gia, a WCU student who was just here for a degree but ended up with a permanent case of stage-fright. Gia spent her entire stint in the band looking like she was waiting for a bus that never came. Saffron and Miki treated her with all the creative respect you’d give a piece of stage scaffolding. She didn't have "input"; she had a contract and a microphone that was probably turned off half the time. Eventually she took the hint and left. ​ ​The Duo: Saffron and Miki tried to soldier on as a duo, releasing tracks like "Midnight Martini" which felt about as sophisticated as a lukewarm kebab. They eventually gave up to pursue "solo projects," which is industry speak for "standing in the back of regional theater productions" and "opening local supermarkets."

​The Reunion: Naturally, because nostalgia is a disease, they all came back for a reality show. Even Gia was dragged back into the fold, finally getting to sing more than a backup "ooh." Their reunion single, "Homecoming," is currently being blasted in every shop in town. It’s a song about "returning to their roots," which is ironic because most of us were hoping those roots had been paved over by the council years ago.

​Verdict: They’re back, they’re loud, and they still haven't learned how to harmonize without a computer doing the heavy lifting. If you see four women in coordinated outfits walking toward the Wyre Pavilion, run the other way. ​