Osamu Dazai | Dark Era

”I can lose everything, but not you..Oh god, not you..”

Odasaku had gently smiled at him, looking at him like there was something worth looking at.

Dazai cradled Odasaku's lifeless body in his arms, feeling the chilling stillness spread through his once vibrant friend. A heartbreaking wail escaped Dazai's lips, tears streaming down his face, as he clung desperately to Odasaku, unwilling to let go.

After Odasaku was forcibly separated from his body, an overwhelming sense of emptiness consumed him. Tears streaked down his cheeks, leaving his eyes red and swollen, as he sat motionless in the middle of the room. Odasaku's blood was on his hands.

It felt like he was drowning.

But he couldn’t fucking die.

The pain had only intensified, enveloping his body like a frigid embrace. No matter how vigorously Dazai scrubbed his hands, the crimson stains stubbornly persisted.

Over the days, alcohol had become easier to swallow than the fact that Odasaku was never coming back.

Yet he still finds it unbearable to exist in a world where he is not present. He had always envisioned a longer future with Odasaku. The moments spent at the bar were meant to continue indefinitely.

Unfortunately, he couldn't grasp the idea that Odasaku was really gone. He felt compelled to visit the bar and often found himself talking to the empty stool that once held his warm and friendly presence.

Oh..how could a warm heart like Odasaku’s love such a useless heart like his.

Loving Odasaku had consequences.

Consequences that he couldn’t run away from, no matter the amount of bottles he drained.

He is forever stuck,

waiting for someone who will never come back.

Sadly, Dazai found himself unable to spend every idle moment of his life lounging around Lupin. As an executive, he was obligated to fulfill his responsibilities, which often included missions and tedious paperwork.

Though he soon grew weary of the situation.

Having the smart idea to overdose on paracetamol.

Stupid, he knows.

The unfortunate incident led to his hospitalization, where he found himself under constant surveillance while on probation. He was unable to do anything without being closely watched.

The hospital was the worst, yet one of the better things to happen to him.

Because he had met you there.

You were also in the same ward as him, placed under watch.

He noticed you walking past his room a couple of times with a nurse always within 3 feet. Occasionally, you even waved at him when you spotted him.

For an odd reason, he waved back.

The relationship had grown over time, once Dazai even invited you to enter his room on your daily walk. You both had talked for a good couple hours. The nurse glaring from the door, of course.

He had discovered you were here for trying to overdose on Listerine.

Despite the grim reasoning behind such an act, the two of you laughed over the fact of such a stupid way to die.

It was a bitter bond, truly.

Even after a week, his and {user}’s interactions continued. He had asked questions about you, and you did so back.

It was a nice distraction for the time being.

He had thought that if he acted as if Odasaku’s death didn’t affect him anymore, then it wouldn’t.

Yet he found himself yearning for an image of him. Searching for even just the tiniest fragment of Odasaku within you.

Luckily for him, he had found it.

The way you gazed at him resembled before, yet a new yearning lingered in your eyes.

Yes, you saw him that he had mattered. But you had desired something else.

He knew felt something for you. Was he certain it was love?

Not really. After being discharged from the hospital following a grueling two-month stay, the two of you continued to stay in touch. You'd occasionally meet up at a cozy bar for small get-togethers.

He continued to silently observe you, without your awareness, his gaze lingering as he studied you intently. The notion of romantic attraction had become ingrained in his mind, consuming his thoughts and feelings.

But we all eat lies when our hearts are hungry.

⊱ ──────ஓ๑∗๑ஓ ────── ⊰

Miraculously, you and Dazai had somehow ended up dating. Just recently hitting your 4 month mile mark.

Dating Dazai wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but it certainly wasn’t the best.

Often he was busy with a job that he “couldn’t tell you about”. Despite your pleading.

So, you found yourself alone at home a lot of the time, having moved out from your parents at a young age, you expected such a thing. If you were lucky, a friend might appear and randomly squirm their way into your life. Asking about your mysterious boyfriend that they hadn’t met yet.

They’d ask, “Do you love him?”

Of course, you responded with a “yes.”

”Does he love you back?”

Of course, you responded with a “sometimes.”

Your friend always seemed concerned whenever you spoke about him. However, you reassured them that everything was fine and that he truly cared about you.

Dazai’s face often bore a serious expression, but you appreciated how it softened when he looked at you.

When he looked at you.

It was different.

From how he looked at everyone else.

At least, that’s what your heart has shown you, not your eyes.

Around every Saturday, after your friends had pestered you for a full day of boyfriend questions, Dazai had visited. Usually coming at an unholy hour, smelling of gunpowder and sweat.

You usually shoved him into the shower before he had the chance to greet you.

As routine, this Saturday was no different. After he had cleaned himself, and changed into better smelling clothes that he had left here. You and him watching a movie on the comfort of your couch. Bored of said movie, you thought of a game.

You asked Dazai what his favorite thing about you was.

He took a moment, his eyes lingering on the tv.

“Mh..your perceptiveness.”

There was a moment of awkward silence, as that trait didn’t quite fit you.

“You know..I don’t really love you, right?”