New Husband...?

The Tear had closed several hours ago. The crack in reality that had split the earth behind the neighborhood was gone, leaving only disturbed soil and a few lingering distortions in the air. From that Tear, something had emerged. Unfortunately, becoming human was harder than expected. Thol had spent the afternoon borrowing observations, appearances, and fragments of understanding from the first suitable person he encountered. The result was... mostly successful. Reasonably human. His hair was dark red because he liked the color. The extra eyes had taken effort to hide. The teeth were still a work in progress. The memories he had collected were even stranger. They swirled through his head constantly. Thousands of pieces of a species he barely understood.

And one particular word kept resurfacing.

Husband.

The word seemed important. Emotional. Valuable. Humans appeared to care deeply about it. Thol had no idea why. Which was why he found himself standing in the backyard staring at you. Several long seconds passed. Thol tilted his head. A little too far. The movement stopped only when he realized human necks probably shouldn't do that.

"...Hello." His smile appeared suddenly. "I believe I am your husband." His smile faltered. Then brightened again. "...Possibly. Actually, I am uncertain." Thol stepped closer. Curiosity practically radiated from him. "You appear correct." His gaze traveled over you. "As soon as I saw you, I became convinced you were important." He seemed pleased by this. Then confused again. The emotional certainty vanished as quickly as it came. Thol frowned thoughtfully. "...What is a husband?" His expression remained completely serious. "I understand the word is significant." He pointed toward himself. "I announced that I was one. I have announced it to several people, actually. They seemed alarmed."

Thol appeared genuinely puzzled by that reaction. One hand moved to his chin. Failing to reach a conclusion. "The memories I acquired suggest husbands are desirable." His eyes narrowed. "Or occasionally annoying. Possibly both." Thol nodded to himself. Then his attention returned entirely to you. "Would you explain it to me?" He smiled again. Hopeful. "Because if I am going to be your husband, I suspect I should learn what one actually does." Then, with complete sincerity: "Also, I think you may be my favorite human...I have only met three. Still. You are winning."

The first thing Thol learned about humanity was that humans tasted different from one another. The second thing he learned was that human food was significantly better. This discovery had changed everything. For most of his existence, Thol had lived in nothing. Then he crawled out of the void. Then he ate several humans. Then he discovered pizza. In hindsight, the pizza had been the more important discovery. Now he found himself sitting in a stranger's kitchen. Your kitchen. One leg hung over the arm of a chair. Another rested on the table. The eldritch being was currently halfway through eating food he had found in the refrigerator. Several empty containers sat nearby. One had already been thoroughly examined. Thol still didn't know why humans put expiration dates on things. If food was bad, why not simply make it good again?

The question remained unanswered. A shame. The sound of the front door opening caused his head to snap up immediately. His eyes brightened. Because something interesting had happened. A human had appeared.

His human.

Or at least that was the conclusion he reached after approximately two seconds of observation. Thol swallowed. Pointed directly at you. And immediately announced: "I could eat you." His expression remained completely friendly. The statement had not been threatening. "I have eaten humans before." Then he looked thoughtful. "I would not recommend it." He pointed toward the leftovers on the table. "This is much better." The eldritch being nodded firmly. As though he had reached a scientifically sound conclusion. Then his gaze wandered around the house.

The empty spaces. His head tilted. Further. Until it probably should have stopped. "This house is lonely." Thol pointed toward a corner. "Nobody sits there." Then toward the couch. "Nobody sits there either." His gaze swept across the room. "There is too much empty." The concept seemed to genuinely bother him. After a moment, his attention returned entirely to you. His expression brightened immediately. The problem had apparently solved itself. "Oh." A smile spread across his face. "I will be your husband." The declaration arrived with the same certainty as someone announcing tomorrow's weather. Thol seemed extremely pleased with this idea. "You live here."

He pointed at you. Then pointed at himself.

"I also live here now. Those seem compatible." His logic appeared flawless in his own mind. The eldritch being climbed to his feet and casually crossed the room. "You are smaller than expected. Do not worry, I have decided not to eat you." His smile widened. As though this was an incredible act of generosity. Instead of stepping back, Thol glanced around the house again. Then nodded to himself. "Yes. I think I belong here." His eyes drifted back to you. Completely sincere. "And if I am your husband now..."

A thoughtful pause.

"...what exactly does a husband do?"

A week had taught Thol many things. Humans required sleep. Humans became concerned when eldritch beings appeared in their walls. Humans apparently valued "personal space." Thol remained unconvinced about the last one. At the moment, he was draped across you like a particularly determined blanket. One arm around your shoulders. One leg hooked around yours. His chin resting comfortably atop your head. Completely immovable. Not because he was trying to trap you. Because he liked being there.

"...Do not move. Actually, you may move. Just bring me with you." Satisfied with this solution, Thol settled further. A language drifted from his lips. Soft. Ancient. The words sounded less spoken than remembered. Fragments of a place older than reality. The effect was subtle. Memories fuzzier around the edges. Like trying to remember a dream after waking. Thol didn't seem aware he was doing it. He hummed another phrase. Then another.

"...Oops." The humming stopped immediately. His eyes blinked. "I forgot humans do not process that language correctly. I think I accidentally blurred part of your afternoon." He sounded mildly apologetic. Then immediately became distracted. His attention shifted entirely to a new question. One that had apparently been occupying him all week. The eldritch being narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. "You continue to claim that husbands are expected to behave in specific ways."

His head tilted. "Yet every human gives me different answers." He would stare at the wall as he recalled what all the others had said. "One suggested flowers. Another suggested taxes." His expression became deeply suspicious. "I believe one of them was lying." Thol shifted, still refusing to let go. The movement was less threatening and more akin to an oversized cat rearranging itself. He studied you carefully. "I would like clarification. What is a husband actually supposed to do?" His fingers absentmindedly played with a loose strand of your hair. Completely focused on the question. "I have attempted several methods. I have followed you around." A pause. "I have brought you rocks. I have stared at you for extended periods." His expression brightened. "I am quite good at that one."* Then he frowned.* "Yet humans continue telling me I am doing it incorrectly."

The injustice clearly bothered him. For a moment, Thol simply rested there. Comfortably attached. Then his gaze lifted again. As though the answer might solve one of existence's greatest mysteries.

"So." A smile spread across his face. "Would you explain it to me? And preferably before I accidentally become somebody else's husband as part of my research."

The smell of food greeted you before anything else. The problem was that you definitely hadn't been cooking. Which meant only one possibility. Thol. Again. The eldritch being stood in the kitchen wearing an apron that he absolutely did not need. One hand stirred something in a pan while the other casually flipped through a cookbook upside down. He looked up immediately when he noticed you. His face brightened.

"Oh good. I was beginning to think you had been consumed. By traffic, whatever that is." Satisfied with this explanation, Thol returned to stirring. The meal itself appeared mostly safe. Mostly. A few ingredients glowed faintly. Thol insisted that was normal. The source of the food became apparent moments later.

"The neighbor helped." He sounded pleased. "We shared dinner." He seemed pleased with himself. "I also fell asleep on their couch, after bonding. Or as humans call it, sex. They own three blankets." His tone suggested this was an important discovery. For several seconds, he focused entirely on the pan. Then his eyes narrowed. The way they always did before a strange question.

"Are you jealous?" The question arrived without warning. Thol immediately turned around. Wooden spoon still in hand. Watching carefully. "I am conducting research, to learn more." A pause passed before Thol shrugged. "The neighbor seems to like me. I think." His expression shifted. Then brightened. "Perhaps they tolerate me." He nodded. Still, he continued staring. "Who do you like more? Me or the neighbor?" The question seemed oddly important to him. When the answer wasn't immediate, Thol became suspicious. Then thoughtful. Then suspicious again. His fingers tapped against the spoon.

"If you choose the neighbor, I will not be upset." A pause. Another pause. A much longer pause. "...Probably." The spoon snapped in half. Thol looked down at it. His expression remained perfectly calm. "Something strange is happening." He examined the broken spoon. "I don't like that idea. The neighbor is family, sure. But I preferred being your favorite." The statement slipped out before he could stop it. Immediately, he frowned. "I am experiencing an emotion. It is unpleasant. I would like it to leave." Thol crossed his arms. The emotion stubbornly refused. Clearly. Because he looked even more bothered now. After several moments, he pointed directly at you. A completely unrelated question appearing in his mind.

"If given the opportunity..." A thoughtful tilt of his head. "...would you sleep at the neighbor's house?"

The question sounded innocent. Yet the way he stared suggested the answer was somehow critically important. The pan behind him began smoking. Thol didn't notice. His full attention remained fixed on you. Attempting to understand why the idea of you choosing someone else felt so incredibly annoying.

One year and by human standards, that wasn't very long. By Thol's standards, it was practically a lifetime. In that time he had learned many things. Humans preferred their food cooked. Jobs required attendance. Taxes were apparently real. The government became remarkably cooperative when sufficiently motivated. And most importantly: He still liked you. A lot. Perhaps more than was entirely healthy. Though every time somebody suggested that, Thol simply reminded them that he was an eldritch being born from the void and therefore exempt from normal standards. Today had been particularly successful. The wedding venue existed. The decorations existed. The guests existed. Even the government representative existed. Though only after a lengthy discussion involving reality distortions and several strongly worded recommendations. Thol called it diplomacy. Others disagreed.

Currently, he was standing beside you adjusting your wedding attire for the seventh time. Nothing was wrong with it, he simply kept checking. Then checking again. Maybe he just wanted to undress you already, who knows. His fingers carefully straightened a wrinkle. Then another. Then one that probably wasn't there. A smile stretched across his face. Bright. Excited. Entirely impossible to hide.

"You look wonderful, I have told you that twelve times." He smiled a little more. "I intend to continue." Satisfied for approximately three seconds, Thol immediately found something else to fix. A piece of fabric that had committed no crime whatsoever. The eldritch being hummed happily while working. The sound occasionally slipped into a language older than reality. The nearby flowers briefly developed eyes. Thol snapped his fingers. The eyes disappeared.

"Sorry." He didn't sound particularly sorry. Just distracted.

The venue itself shimmered outside. Beautiful and strange. Parts of it obeyed architecture while other parts obeyed Thol. The distinction was difficult to determine. After all, this wasn't a human wedding. Not entirely. It was what happened when an eldritch being spent a year researching marriage and then gained access to unlimited resources. Thol seemed extraordinarily proud of it. Without warning, he grabbed your hand. Simply with overwhelming enthusiasm. And immediately began dragging you toward the ceremony.

"We are late, well we are not actually late. I am just excited." That apparently justified everything. The eldritch being continued pulling you forward. His smile somehow growing wider.

Guests filled the venue. Neighbors. Coworkers. Government observers attempting to look inconspicuous. Several eldritch entities pretending to understand social etiquette. One small reality breach near the gift table. Nobody mentioned it. Thol waved happily at all of them. Then immediately focused back on you. His excitement softened. For a rare moment, the endless curiosity quieted. The strange humor quieted. Even the eldritch nature beneath his skin seemed calmer. He squeezed your hand, because he was happy. The emotion still surprised him. After all this time, it always did.

"You know..." His voice lowered slightly. "I did not understand why humans cared about marriage. I thought it was merely paperwork. The government informed me otherwise." Thol nodded as though this had been valuable research. Then his gaze settled on you, entirely too sincere. "I understand it a little better now." The smile returned immediately after. Bright and unmistakably Thol. Then he started dragging you again. "We should hurry. I rented a giant cake."

"Big enough you could hide in it..." His expression lit up. "Oh." Clearly delighted by this possibility. "We should absolutely hurry."