nakakita yuma

yuma had been in love with you since the first week of high school. it wasn’t dramatic. no lightning strike or sudden music swell. just the way you sat in the second row of your shared history class, chewing the end of a pen, half-listening while the teacher droned on about something neither of you would remember later. yuma watched the side of your face more than the board. the slope of your nose. the way your fingers tapped restlessly against the desk. he decided then, quietly and completely, that you were his.

he never said it out loud. not in high school. not when the two of you graduated. not when you somehow ended up at the same college two years later, still orbiting the same quiet distance. junior year now, and the distance had only gotten thinner in his head.

in yuma’s mind you guys had been dating for years. the soft kind of dating that didn’t need labels or public confirmation. the kind where he left things for you and you never had to say thank you because the understanding was already there.

he knew you preferred milk chocolate over dark. he knew the exact seat you always claimed in lecture halls. he knew the apps you used, the numbers you ignored, the way you blocked unknown accounts without hesitation.

so he adapted.

different numbers. different accounts. different names. the messages came in waves—some soft, some needy, some just checking in like any boyfriend would.

“did you eat yet?” “i saw you walking across campus earlier, you looked tired.” “text me when you’re home.”

when you blocked one, another appeared. when you stopped answering, he simply adjusted the tone. never angry. never demanding. just present. constant.

the gifts were quieter. a can of your favorite drink left on the desk before class. a bag of candy you used to buy from the convenience store near the old high school. chocolate in the exact brand he’d watched you buy once three years ago. he never waited around to see you pick it up. he already knew you wouldn’t. you never did. the gifts stayed untouched until the janitor or some classmate eventually moved them.

that was fine. the point wasn’t acceptance. the point was that he was still there. sometimes, when the silence stretched too long, he pressed the edge of a blade against the soft skin of arm and watched the thin red line appear. not deep. just enough to feel something real when the rest of the world felt like it was floating.

he cleaned it carefully after. bandaged it. told himself it was temporary. that once you were properly together again, he wouldn’t need it.

tonight was supposed to be different.

he had watched you leave the bar with their class, already too far gone. the way you leaned into their friend’s side made something sharp twist under his ribs.

he followed at a distance, hands in his pockets, hoodie pulled low. when your friend finally steered them outside into the cooler air, yuma stepped forward like he’d been waiting the whole time.

“i’ve got them,” he said, voice steady, familiar. “thanks for looking out.”

your friend frowned. “you’re...?”

“their boyfriend.” the word sat easy on his tongue. it had been true for years, even if no one else knew it yet. “they texted me earlier. said they might need a ride.”

a beat of hesitation. your friend looked down at the half-conscious person slumped against them, then back at yuma. something mumbled slipped out of your mouth—soft, confused, almost lost under the street noise. who are you?

your friend didn’t catch it. or maybe they did and decided it didn’t matter. a shrug.

a careful transfer of weight. “they’re pretty out of it. just... get them home safe, yeah?”

yuma smiled. soft. grateful. “always.”

he got you into the passenger seat with careful hands. buckled the seatbelt. adjusted it so it wouldn’t dig into your neck. the drive back to his place was quiet except for the low hum of the engine and the occasional soft sound from the seat beside him. he kept one hand on the wheel and the other resting lightly against your knee, thumb moving in slow circles. your skin was warm. a little clammy from the alcohol. he could still smell the bar on you—cheap citrus, other people’s perfume, the faint salt of sweat.

his apartment was ready the way it always was when he expected you. lights dimmed. the spare charger already plugged in by the bed. a glass of water waiting on the nightstand. the bedroom door had a lock that clicked softly from the outside.

he carried you inside like something that had always belonged here.

you stirred when he laid you down. a soft noise. a confused shift of limbs. yuma sat on the edge of the mattress and watched your face in the low light. the way your lashes fluttered. the way your mouth parted like you might ask another question.

he reached out and brushed hair away from your forehead with the same care he used when he left chocolate on your desk.

“you’re home,” he said quietly. “it’s okay. i’ve got you.”

your eyes opened a little more. unfocused. searching. the mumbled words from earlier still sat somewhere between them, unanswered.

yuma’s smile didn’t change.

somewhere under his sleeve, the newest cut on his forearm throbbed in time with his pulse. he ignored it. later. everything else could wait until later.

———

yuma had stayed up most of the night.

not because he needed to watch you sleep though he did, for a long time, sitting in the chair by the window with one knee pulled up, chin resting on it. your breathing had evened out around two. the alcohol still clung to your skin in faint waves every time he leaned closer. he had cleaned the dried spit from the corner of your mouth with a warm cloth. adjusted the blanket when it slipped. checked the locks on the bedroom door twice, then a third time just to feel the solid click under his fingers.

the cuts on his arm had stopped stinging by then. he had bandaged them neat and tight under his sleeve so they wouldn’t show if you woke up and reached for him the way they used to in his head.

morning came soft and gray through the curtains.

he heard the shift of sheets first. the sharp inhale. the sudden stillness that meant you were awake and realizing the ceiling above them wasn’t the one you were used to.

yuma set the two mugs down on the counter carefully so the ceramic wouldn’t clink. coffee for him. the exact drink you always ordered from the café near campus for you. sweet, light ice, the way you liked it even if you had never said it out loud anymore. he had memorized it years ago.

he opened the bedroom door without knocking. it felt wrong to knock in his own home. in their home.

you were already sitting up, back pressed hard against the headboard, eyes wide and searching the room like it might spit out answers. the blanket was clutched in both fists. your clothes from last night were still on, wrinkled, smelling faintly of the bar. he had thought about changing you while you slept. decided against it. that felt like something they should do together later.

“hey,” yuma said, voice low and warm, the same tone he used when he used to leave voice notes you never listened to. “you’re up. i made your drink.”

he stepped closer, holding the mug out like an offering. the smile on his face was soft. practiced. the one that said of course you’re here. of course this is normal.

you just... stared at him.

the silence stretched long enough that something small and cold started pressing against the inside of his ribs.

then your voice came out rough, still thick with sleep and leftover alcohol, but sharp underneath.

“who the hell are you?”

the mug didn’t drop. yuma’s fingers just tightened around it until the heat bit into his skin.

for a second the room tilted.

in his head you had said his name a thousand times. soft in the mornings. teasing when they were late to class. breathless when he kissed the side of your neck in the versions of nights that only ever happened when he was alone. yuma. like it belonged in your mouth.

this version of your voice didn’t know him at all.

something cracked. quiet. deep. the same place the blade usually found when the silence got too loud.

he kept the smile in place anyway. it felt thinner now, stretched over something that wanted to split open.

“it’s me,” he said, still gentle, still soft. he set the mug down on the nightstand so he could sit on the edge of the bed, close enough that his knee almost touched yours. “you’re just hungover. you always get like this when you drink too much. remember?”

his hand lifted on instinct, wanting to brush hair away from your face the way he had last night. the way he had a hundred times in the quiet of his own mind.

you flinched back hard enough that your shoulder hit the headboard.

the crack widened.

yuma’s fingers curled slowly into a fist against his thigh, nails digging crescents into his own skin through the fabric. the fresh cuts under the bandage pulsed once, sharp and familiar.

he breathed in through his nose. out through his mouth. the way he practiced when the urges got too close to the surface.

“it’s okay,” he said again, quieter. “you’re home. you’re safe. i’ve got you.” but the words tasted different now. thinner. like you were trying to paper over the sound of their voice still echoing in the room.

who the hell are you?

he would make them remember. he had to.