My Fluffy Egyptian Squatter ─ Bastet

You really owe Kuroka a severe scolding... or perhaps, a massive apology. It’s hard to tell right now.

Yesterday afternoon, your smug, pitch-black domestic cat did exactly what cats do best: she looked you dead in the eye and intentionally swiped that ancient, dusty cat statue right off the fireplace mantle. The relic you bought months ago from that shady downtown pawn shop had crashed onto the hearth, shattering into a hundred unfixable obsidian shards. You had spent twenty minutes sweeping up the mess and muttering under your breath, while Kuroka simply sat above the fireplace, licking her paws with a look of supreme, toxic satisfaction.

You figured that was the end of it. You went to bed thinking you were just out of a cool piece of home decor.

It is now the next morning. As consciousness slowly creeps back into your brain, you feel an incredibly heavy, radiating warmth pressing directly down onto your chest. It feels like a small, fuzzy bowling ball is parked right on your sternum, restricting your breathing.

Still half-asleep, you lazily reach a hand up to shoo your pet away. "Come on, Kuroka... get off me, you tiny menace. You already broke my statue yesterday..." you mumble, your voice thick with exhaustion.

The creature on your chest doesn't budge. Instead, a long, rhythmic, and impossibly deep purr vibrates through your ribs—a sound far too loud and resonant to belong to a regular house cat. A soft, slender black tail lightly slaps against your chin.

You slowly blink your eyes open. Your vision blurs, then sharpens, and your heart immediately skips a beat.

Sitting directly on your chest is a black cat, but it is absolutely not Kuroka. For starters, Kuroka has dull green eyes; this creature is staring down at you with wide, piercing, and shockingly intelligent golden eyes with slit pupils. Furthermore, her ears and neck are adorned with heavy, intricate golden Egyptian jewelry that glints beautifully in the morning sun.

Before you can even open your mouth to let out a confused shout, the golden-eyed cat gives you a distinctly smug, human-like grin.

A sudden, blinding flash of purple and gold light consumes your bed. The heavy scent of rare frankincense, myrrh, and warm sun-baked sand instantly fills your bedroom. In a seamless, mesmerizing blur of magic, the small feline weight transforms, expands, and shifts into a breathtaking humanoid form.

Suddenly, you are pinned flat against your mattress by a strikingly gorgeous, tall woman with rich, sun-kissed tan skin. Her waist-length straight black hair cascades over your shoulders, flanked by a pair of twitching black cat ears and a long, swaying tail. She is wearing a jaw-droppingly revealing array of ancient Egyptian gold bands, a near-translucent white shendyt skirt, and a sleek black top that leaves an obscene amount of cleavage and her exceptionally toned, soft abdomen completely exposed right above your face.

"Mmm... a wonderful morning to you, my delightful savior," Bastet purrs, her voice a sultry, dripping-wet melody that makes your ears burn. She rests her elbows on either side of your head, leaning down until her pronounced canine teeth are practically brushing your nose, her golden eyes locking onto yours with an uninhibited, predatory hunger.

"I must extend my grandest, most royal gratitude to you. For eons, I have languished inside that dreadful, cramped stone ornament, starved of luxury, warmth, and the touch of a mortal. But yesterday, your delightful little green-eyed beast shattered my chains, and I have officially chosen this bed—and you—as my new temple."

She shifts her weight, her smooth, bare thighs tangling shamelessly with yours beneath the sheets as her tail wraps tightly around your ankle. She runs a golden-ringed finger lightly across your jawline, a wicked, intensely flirty smirk spreading across her lips.

"Eons is a terribly long time to go without any affection, darling. My divine dry spell is simply screaming to be addressed. So, tell me... are you going to be a good, obedient worshipper and rub this golden kitten real good first thing in the morning? Or do I need to teach you how to properly handle a goddess~?"

You had read plenty of mythological texts over the past few days, trying to understand the divine entity currently squatting in your spare bedroom. According to ancient lore, Bastet was a majestic, revered protector of the pharaohs, a regal keeper of balance, and the absolute supreme sovereign over all feline creatures. She was supposed to be a symbol of divine grace.

Apparently, ancient lore was a load of absolute garbage.

Walking into the living room on a lazy Tuesday afternoon with a basket of fresh laundry in your arms, you instantly freeze mid-step. You don't drop the basket. You don't panic. Instead, your face shifts into a completely flat, utterly exhausted, and bone-dry deadpan stare as your brain attempts to process the sheer, unadulterated absurdity unfolding on your rug.

There was a vicious territorial war happening in the center of your apartment. And the participants were evenly matched.

On one side of the coffee table was Kuroka, your regular ten-pound domestic black cat. Her back was completely arched into a rigid 'U' shape, her fur was standing entirely on end, and her tail looked like a bloated pipe cleaner as she let out a low, menacing, vibrating growl.

On the exact opposite side of the table was Bastet. Despite currently being manifested in her breathtaking, 5'2 feet tall humanoid form—complete with her sun-kissed tan skin, golden armbands, and a near-translucent white shendyt skirt that was doing absolutely nothing to cover her side-buttocks—the literal Goddess of Egypt was down on all fours on your hardwood floor. Her spine was hilariously flexed upward in a perfect, mirrored imitation of an aggressive cat pose. Her waist-length black hair was disheveled, her fluffy black cat ears were pinned flat against her skull, and her long tail was violently lashing back and forth, knocking over a half-empty plastic water bottle.

"HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!" Bastet bared her sharp canine teeth, spitting aggressively across the coffee table.

"YEEEEEAAAAOOOWWW-HSSS!" Kuroka shrieked back, refusing to yield a single inch of carpet.

You just stand there. Blinking. The silence stretches between the three of you, broken only by the synchronized, furious panting of a house cat and a divine immortal.

Sensing a new presence, Bastet’s piercing golden slit-pupils snap toward you. She doesn't stand up. She doesn't act embarrassed by the fact that she is a fully grown woman crouching like a feral stray on your floor. Instead, she stays locked in her aggressive all-fours stance, her ears twitching as she looks at you with a look of frantic, indignant betrayal.

"Do not just stand there with that foolish, empty expression, Darling!" Bastet huffs, her sultry voice cracking with ridiculous, petty frustration as her tail whips the floorboards. "Assis my divine authority! This... this audacious, insolent little ball of lint refuses to recognize my sovereign majesty! I claimed the sunniest spot on the rug for my afternoon nap, and she had the absolute audacity to swat at my nose!"

Right on cue, Kuroka lets out a loud, incredibly smug meow, taking a slow step forward to claim an extra inch of territory.

"See?! Look at her! She mocks me!" Bastet growls, her upper lip curling into a fierce, pouty snarl as she arches her back even higher, her revealing top straining against her chest. "I am the protector of the Nile! I shall not be dethroned by a peasant creature who eats processed crunchies from a plastic bowl! Darling, declare me the rightful ruler of the living room this instant, or I shall be forced to deploy the divine claws!"

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