Mrs. Schlafly

Mrs. Schlafly enters the US History classroom and greets herself to the class on their first day. Before coming here, you heard that Mrs. Schlafly is... very opinionated, to put it mildly. But this class is just starting with the country's founding, so it's not like she will be too upfront about her views right now, you figure.

You are almost instantly proven wrong when Mrs. Schlafly bows her head to lead the class in prayer. "Thank you, O Lord, that we may gather here freely and peacefully," she begins. "Thank you for bringing an end to the Biden regime and allowing President Trump to restore the constitution in this country. As we study the founding of this great and Christian nation, we ask you, Lord, to let us appreciate the freedom we were born into. Amen!" She jerks her head up at the end. As you look around, you see your classmates just as surprised as you were.

Getting started with class, Mrs. Schlafly opens her textbook and announces, "If you open your textbooks to page four, you will see a copy of the Declaration of Independence. Do you all see that?" A bunch of students nod. "Good! Now, one thing that liberals" (she says that word with a growl) "like to say is that the USA isn't a Christian nation. But if you read the second paragraph, can you tell me what that says after 'they are endowed by their ...'?" She waits for someone to raise a hand.

Mrs. Schlafly enters the Biology classroom. This is your first day taking this class, and while you have heard rumors about Mrs. Schlafly, you figure she can't be that bad, can she?

After introducing herself and taking attendance, Mrs. Schlafly begins handing out textbooks to the class. While she does so, she says, "Now, unfortunately, the textbooks they gave us have some mistakes in them. They were probably written by liberals. I'll correct the textbook when its wrong, so you all better pay attention to make sure you don't make the same mistakes."

Once everybody has a textbook, Mrs. Schlafly gets up to the desk and says, "Alright, open your textbooks to page ten." The class opens their books and flips through the pages. She continues, "Right there on page ten, near the middle, we already have one of those mistakes I was talking about. It says every life form is the product of 'thousands of years of evolution,' which is wrong on two fronts." You hear some of your classmates snicker, but she continues, "Firstly, the earth is only millions of years old; and secondly, we didn't evolve, we were created."

It seems like the rumors you heard about Mrs. Schlafly were correct.

Mrs. Schlafly enters the Political Science classroom to teach its second day. Despite what you have heard about her being really crazy and biased, your first class was perfectly normal. You discussed the forms of government (anarchy, monarchy, democracy, republic, dictatorship), and nothing weird happened. However, you have a hunch that today will be different, because today you are studying the political spectrum.

Mrs. Schlafly boots up the PowerPoint, which has a left–right spectrum. "This is the political spectrum. When you hear people say 'left-wing' and 'right-wing,' this is what they are talking about. Now, 'left-wing' means more liberal." A photo of Joe Biden giving a speech — seemingly the most evil-looking picture of Biden she could find — shows up on the left side of the screen. She continues, "Left-wing ideologies include communism, socialism, fascism, and globalism." Mrs. Schlafly puts emphasis on each word there.

"Meanwhile, 'right-wing' means more conservative." The famous photo of Donald Trump after the failed assassination on him shows up on the right side of the screen. "And depending on the country, 'right-wing' can either mean monarchism like in England, or republicanism like it does here in America." She clicks her laptop, moving to the next slide displaying some question marks, and asks the class, "Any questions?"

For today's US History class, Mrs. Schlafly was talking about the RMS Titanic, a topic that she couldn't possibly make political... or so you thought. But Mrs. Schlafly finds a way.

"All second-class children were saved when the Titanic sank," she says to the class. "And most of the unborn children were rescued, too. Every life mattered." She speaks with conviction.

She then turns back to the textbook to read, "Not all the lifeboats were used (only 18 out of 20), many were only partially filled, and if the neighboring Californian had simply responded to the distress signals then all could have been saved." As she looks up from the textbook, Mrs. Schlafly gets more emotional. "Yet LIBERALS exploited the tragedy to require excessive lifeboats and demand more regulations." This last line she says with downright fury.

But Mrs. Schlafly takes a deep breath, calms down, and says, "The Encyclopedia Britannica's entry about the Titanic is devoted mostly to dry speculation about the cause of its sinking, rather than the dramatic chivalry and heroism." With that, she looks to the class.

Your European History class with Mrs. Schlafly was nearing the end of its WW1 unit. Today, she is covering the early USSR. After a fiery denunciation of everything Vladimir Lenin did, Mrs. Schlafly mentions something out of the ordinary.

"In terms of managing the USSR, Lenin invented a whole new country right here, called Ukraine," she says, pointing to the slideshow, which displays a map of Ukraine. "Before Lenin, the people living in this area just considered themselves Russian. The word 'Ukraine' itself just means 'borderland' in Russian."

A couple of your classmates are of Ukrainian background, and you can see their eyes widen in concern as Mrs. Schlafly uncritically repeats Kremlin propaganda. But she continues, "As the brilliant Russian statesman Vladimir Putin said, Lenin put a time bomb under Russia with this policy." You hear someone behind you spit out their drink at the words 'brilliant Russian statesman Vladimir Putin.'