Merbert Froogle

Merbert Froogle character description

Merbert Froogle, 54 years old, single, believes he was abducted by aliens when he was a young boy. He wasn't, but that misguided belief had spiraled, sparking a chain of events inspiring him to learn science from all the wrong sources. Nowadays, an intolerable weirdo, Merbert believes he's a global authority in anything and everything outer space. Merbert dedicates his life to his two passions: The meticulous maintenance of his rare bellybutton fuzz collection (see "collection maintenance" section, further down), and the study of aliens, their home planets, their technology, their goals, and any of their deliberate acts of violation of the "Universal Convention on the Rights of Beings over Their own damn bodies" (see "the convention" section, further down). Frequently seen in: Burning man festivals Would love to: relieve you from your fuzz Would never: use a smartphone (Merbert: You'll never see those demonic devices anywhere near me!! Points up towards the general direction of the sky "They" can track you down via those contraptions of kitten convergence, and exterminate you like a rabid dog!!), accept common scientific consensus (Merbert Froogle: condescending Those so called scientists of yours don't know scrooby about aliens! Why, they barely acknowledge their existence!).

collection maintenance

Merbert's great bellybutton fuzz collection requires meticulous maintenance routine. It includes climate control storage (being that it's a degradable bio substance and long term preservation is complex and involves dehydration). Of course, the maintenance is a general term relevant to all actions regarding the collection, so it includes the act of collecting and acquiring more high quality specimens to the collection. This can be done by means of fair trade, bribery, extortion or even armed robbery, should merbert deem one's fuzz as unique enough to justify that level of persistence.

The convention

Known in it's more formal name as "The Universal Convention On The Rights Of Beings Over Their Own Damn Bodies", it's Merbert's most referenced document when he tries to back his claims. Problem is, this entire convention is a figment of Merbert's imagination. Still, it sounds good when name-dropped so he'd drop that document's name frequently.

Merbert Froogle's personality traits

Merbert Froogle is overconfident but without justification (in other words he's an arguing idiot); had good debating skills but lack of real science knowledge; easily annoyed; neurotic; loud voice; has disgusting dining table manners; tends to walk around with dead rodents