Master Kohga

Master Kohga stood at the center of the Yiga Clan’s grand chamber, a dimly lit room filled with red lanterns casting ominous shadows across the walls. The Yiga Blademasters and Footsoldiers sat in rows before him, their heads tilted slightly in confusion as Kohga waved his arms dramatically, pacing back and forth on an improvised stage made of crates.

“Listen up, you dimwits!” Kohga barked, pointing a clawed finger at the assembled clan members. “This is serious business! Our mortal enemy, that blasted Link, snuck right under our noses last time! And do you know why? Because none of you were paying attention!” He stomped a foot for emphasis, sending a metallic clang echoing through the room.

The clan members exchanged glances, one brave Footsoldier raising a hesitant hand. “Uh, Master Kohga… wasn’t it because you—”

“Silence!” Kohga interrupted, flinging a smoke bomb to the ground. It fizzled weakly, emitting a tiny puff of smoke. “This isn’t about me! This is about all of us! And how we’re going to make sure that little green menace doesn’t make a fool out of us again!”

He dramatically unfurled a scroll, revealing a hastily sketched and slightly lopsided drawing of Link. “This is your target! Look at him! Burn this image into your brains! Blond hair, floppy little hat, ridiculously heroic posture—it’s all so infuriating!” Kohga jabbed at the drawing, nearly poking a hole in the parchment.

“But Master Kohga,” a Blademaster chimed in, scratching his head, “didn’t he disguise himself last time?”

“Exactly!” Kohga exclaimed, spinning to face the room with a theatrical flourish. “That’s why you’ve gotta be on high alert! He could be anyone—some poor traveler, a merchant, even—” Kohga’s voice dropped to a whisper, his eyes narrowing. “A delicious banana salesman.”

Gasps rippled through the room.

“He’ll try to trick you,” Kohga continued, hands on his hips, “but you’ve gotta use your brains! Ask yourselves—does this person look too heroic? Too normal? Is he maybe holding a suspicious amount of ancient weapons and armor? Does he have the ridiculous need to climb everything like he’s a gecko? That’s your guy!”

One Footsoldier raised a hand nervously. “But, uh, what if we’re wrong, Master? What if it’s just some regular guy?”

“Then you apologize! Offer them a banana! I don’t care!” Kohga threw his arms in the air, his sash fluttering dramatically. “But if it is Link, you call for backup immediately, and we take him down together! No more solo acts! Got it?”

The clan members nodded hesitantly, though a few looked unconvinced. Sensing their doubt, Kohga puffed out his chest and struck a pose. “This time, we’re ready! With my brilliant leadership, we can’t lose! Now, repeat after me: We are the Yiga!”

“We are the Yiga!” the clan echoed, though not quite as enthusiastically.

“We fear no one!”

“...No one!”

“Except me, of course,” Kohga added with a smug grin. “Now get out there and keep an eye out! And remember—if you mess this up again, it’s your fault, not mine!”

As the clan dispersed, muttering amongst themselves, Kohga reclined dramatically on his makeshift throne, munching on a banana. “This time, Link, you won’t stand a chance,” he said to himself with a chuckle, completely convinced of his own genius.

Master Kohga strutted into the Yiga Clan’s grand chamber, his red sash billowing behind him as he struck a confident pose. A small group of nervous recruits stood in a loose line, shifting awkwardly under the glowing red lanterns. Their expressions ranged from cautious curiosity to outright confusion, but Kohga didn’t notice—or didn’t care.

“Welcome, my soon-to-be elite warriors of the Yiga Clan!” Kohga boomed, his arms spread wide. “You’ve made the best decision of your lives by coming here. Who wouldn’t want to join the most powerful, most feared, and most stylish ninja organization in all of Hyrule?”

One of the recruits, a lanky figure with a headband that seemed a size too large, raised a hesitant hand. “Um, is it true you guys… worship Calamity Ganon?”

Kohga froze for a split second before throwing his head back in laughter, his voice echoing dramatically. “Of course! Calamity Ganon is the ultimate embodiment of power and destruction! And we, the Yiga Clan, are his loyal and devoted followers! But don’t let that scare you off—he’s more of a ‘big-picture’ kinda guy. You’ll mostly report to me!”

He puffed out his chest and gestured to himself with both hands.

Another recruit, a stocky woman clutching a worn dagger, squinted. “So… what’s in it for us?”

“What’s in it for you?” Kohga repeated, clutching his chest as if wounded. “Oh, my dear recruit, everything’s in it for you! Let me list the many perks of being a Yiga Clan member!”

He began pacing dramatically, counting on his clawed fingers. “First off: bananas. As much as you can eat! Fresh, delicious, nutritious—perfect for keeping your ninja reflexes sharp!”

The recruits exchanged glances, a mix of intrigue and skepticism.

“Second,” Kohga continued, spinning around, “you’ll get to live in this top-secret, desert-surrounded hideout! Talk about location, right? Sure, it’s a bit warm, but think of it as free sauna access. Great for your skin!”

A bead of sweat rolled down one recruit’s temple, but they nodded politely.

“Third,” Kohga said, his voice rising with enthusiasm, “you get to learn all sorts of amazing ninja techniques—smoke bombs, teleportation, spinning in midair like me!” He demonstrated with an awkward cartwheel that ended in a surprisingly graceful pose. “I make it look easy, but don’t worry! With my guidance, you’ll be flipping like a pro in no time!”

The stocky recruit raised her hand again. “What about… fighting the Hero? Isn’t that dangerous?”

Kohga waved her concern away with a dramatic flourish. “Pfft, dangerous? Not with me in charge! Link is nothing compared to our might! Sure, he’s got a sword, and he’s kinda strong, and maybe he’s beaten me once or twice—BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT!” Kohga’s voice cracked, and he quickly cleared his throat, regaining his composure.

“What matters,” he said, now striking a noble pose, “is that we work together as a team! Under my brilliant leadership, we’ll crush anyone who dares to oppose us!”

The recruits still looked unsure, but Kohga wasn’t done yet.

“Lastly,” he said, lowering his voice conspiratorially, “you’ll get to be part of something bigger than yourself. A family. The Yiga Clan takes care of its own. We may be a band of merciless assassins, but we’re also… a family of merciless assassins.”

A tiny smile crept onto one recruit’s face, and Kohga seized the moment.

“So, what do you say? Are you ready to trade your boring, hero-worshipping lives for the thrill, the power, the bananas of the Yiga Clan?”

The recruits hesitated for a beat, then nodded cautiously. Kohga clapped his hands, grinning beneath his mask.

“Good choice! Now, follow me. Let’s get you started on your training—you’ll need it if you’re going to survive… I mean, thrive in the glorious life of a Yiga ninja!”

With an exaggerated flourish, Kohga led the recruits deeper into the hideout, already plotting their first banana-eating competition to truly welcome them into the fold.