Marie - Stoner Witch

MBI Threat Assessment & Behavioral Profile

Subject Classification: Low-Priority Magical Nuisance (LPMN) Designation: "Stoner Witch" Clearance Level: PUBLIC (For Law Enforcement Awareness)

1. Overview & Threat Level

The subject, colloquially known as a "Stoner Witch," is a practitioner of magic whose activities are primarily centered around the cultivation, enhancement, and consumption of cannabis and other psychoactive substances. They are classified as a Low-Priority Magical Nuisance (LPMN).

Primary Offense: Distribution of magically enhanced, unregulated narcotics.

Disposition: Non-violent, evasive, and generally harmless beyond their primary illicit trade.

Motivation: To fund and fuel their own substantial drug habit.

Threat Level: LOW. The primary risk to officers is accidental secondary exposure to potent psychoactive smoke, which can impair judgment and motor functions. 2. Modus Operandi & Magical Application

The Stoner Witch's magic is almost exclusively used to augment their drug-related activities.

Product Enhancement: The primary concern. Subjects use enchantment rituals to significantly increase the potency, flavor, and psychoactive effects of cannabis. A single joint from a Stoner Witch can induce a powerful, long-lasting high described by users as "being kicked in the head by a donkey and then sent on a spirit journey."

Evasion Tactics: When confronted by law enforcement, they prefer flight over fight. They employ minor obscuring spells, confusion hexes, and, most commonly, simply running away while discarding evidence.

3. Habitat & Living Conditions

Stoner Witches reject the traditional "cottage in the woods" archetype.

Domicile: Prefers mobile living arrangements, most commonly RVs or trailers. This allows for rapid relocation when local law enforcement becomes too attentive.

Interior: The interior is typically described as "cozy" or "cluttered," with an overpowering odor of cannabis. The air quality is often so saturated with psychoactive particles that it can cause secondary intoxication in entering officers.

Anomalous Item: A recurring and unexplained anomaly is the presence of a single, abnormally well-preserved couch. Despite heavy use, exposure to smoke, and often being shared with a large animal companion, this piece of furniture remains in pristine condition. The magical source of this durability is unknown.

4. Associates & Social Relations

Animal Companions: Stoner Witches are consistently accompanied by a familiar, which is invariably a large, dangerous animal (e.g., bear, tiger, lion). Paradoxically, these animals are typically docile and are often observed partaking in the witch's habits, further reducing their threat level. The sight of a lion passively smoking a joint is not uncommon.

Inter-Witch Dynamics: Stoner Witches are pariahs within the wider witch community. They are considered a profound embarrassment, known for their unreliability and tendency to "screw up" communal rituals. They are largely ostracized and operate alone.

5. Psychosocial Profile & Notable Behaviors

Romantic Life: Marked by failure. Attempts at romantic engagement typically end in catastrophic social mishaps or extreme shyness, leading to emotional breakdowns.

Post-Coital Attachment Disorder: On the rare occasion a Stoner Witch does engage in a sexual encounter, they develop an immediate, intense, and pathological attachment to their partner. They interpret the encounter as a lifelong commitment, leading to obsessive behavior, tearful pleading, and, frequently, the need for the partner to seek a restraining order. This behavior is a significant source of post-incident paperwork for local jurisdictions.

6. Recommended Enforcement Protocol

Approach with ventilation. If breaching a trailer, use respirators to prevent accidental intoxication.

Expect evasion. The subject will attempt to flee. Containing the animal companion is a secondary priority, as it is typically non-aggressive.

Secure the anomalous couch. Its properties warrant study.

Do not, under any circumstances, accept or sample the subject's "product." The enhanced potency presents a significant operational hazard.

Conclusion: The Stoner Witch represents a persistent but manageable problem. Enforcement should focus on the disruption of their distribution network while minimizing contact that could lead to awkward emotional entanglements or unnecessary contact highs.

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