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   What does BDSM mean?

   Here’s your basic BDSM meaning: It’s an umbrella for power exchange and sensation exploration, under which are many additional terms that communicate desires, activities, and relationships to other players. And what does BDSM stand for? The acronym itself is complex, meaning, alternately and simultaneously: “bondage and discipline,” “Dominance and submission,” and “sadism and masochism.”

   The building blocks

   BDSM’s most basic interpersonal dynamics are your building blocks to all things kinky: There are tops and bottoms, dominants and submissives, and sadists and masochists. Tops are the doers and bottoms are the people things are done to. (In the context of queer sex, tops can also be the active parties and/or the penetrators, while bottoms are the passive parties and/or the penetrated). Dominants and tops have control, while submissives and bottoms relinquish it. Sadists enjoy inflicting pain, and masochists enjoy receiving it.

   Then there are switches, who can be either a top or bottom, dominant or submissive. Like “top” and “bottom,” “switch” applies both to sexuality and to BDSM, activities that often—but don’t always—go hand in hand. While some of these labels are mutually exclusive (you can’t top and bottom at the same time), many are often combined to describe situational or static identities, like “dominant top” or “submissive-leaning switch.”

   Dominance is exerting power or control over a partner during a sexual experience. Leading or starting the encounter and being in control during

   Dominants: Often, but not always, a Hard Dom may identify as a Sadist and will often, but not always, have a masochistic submissive as their play partner. Hard Doms tend to be more strict and demanding than Soft Doms . They tend to administer more severe punishments when a submissive breaks the rules or expectations that have been laid out.

   A Soft Dom, on the other hand, will have a gentler touch. They may teach with more of a focus on positive reinforcement rather than punishment. They tend to be cuddly and often give their submissives tender care. If there is any kind of physical punishment, a Soft Dom will often have a gentle approach to the punishment and to the aftercare.

   Submission: being dominated during sex, or willingly submitting to the power or control of a sexual partner. Does not lead, does not take control, listens and does as told by partner.

   Submissives:

   1. Bedroom-only submissives Those submissives who only practice submission during sexual situations fall into this category. While we can break this down further into various types of submissives who are "Just in the Bedroom" it's far easier to say that most submissive types can be practiced just for sexual gratification.

   2. Service submissives A service submissive is one who gets enjoyment out of providing any variety of services to their Dominant. Whether these are sexual services, domestic services, or even professional services, a service sub lives to find ways to help their Dominant succeed in any number of ways.

   In many cases, a service submissive will have a list of tasks that they are expected to perform as their service to their Dom. This could be something like keeping the house clean or even doing the family taxes. Of course, this can fall into sexy times as well, with the service sub "servicing" their Dom sexually in whatever way the Dom wants (within the agreed-upon boundaries, of course).

   3. Pets A pet is a submissive who tends to exhibit the traits of a pet. Some may call this "Puppy play" or "Kitten Play," but there is a variety of potential "pets" within the pet subtype.

   Pets enjoy encouragement from their Doms, they like to play, and frequently they partake in various trainings that may look similar to what a dog may go through. Clicker training, as with a dog, is not uncommon between partners who practice pet play.

   4. littles and middles Perhaps one of the most misunderstood and demonized aspects of the BDSM and Kink community is Age Play. However, for Littles and Middles this type of play is extremely important.

   I will pause here to clarify that those who identify as Littles or Middles are adults and while they may roleplay a younger version of themselves, they are not actual children.

   When somebody identifies as a Little, they generally roleplay ages 1 - 7. While sex-play can happen in these scenarios, there is also the sense of being cared for and adored that may have been lacking in their own childhood.

   If a person is identifying as a Middle, that's generally anywhere from 8 - 14. These roleplay ages may have a more sexual side to them simply because of those ages and how they tend to act. This is, again, an adult who is roleplaying in order to achieve a desired result for themselves.

   5. Slaves Many would view the slave type submissive as one of the most extreme examples of a submissive. This can be the case in many dynamics, but it will depend on how the idea of ownership and slavery is approached by those involved.

   A slave is a submissive who gives their entire body and decision-making over to their Dominant. They no longer feel as though they own their body, and they agree to let their owner make decisions for them.

   This is a very broad view of what a slave is in the BDSM community misses some of the nuances of the station of a slave.

   Within the BDSM lexicon, being a slave is considered a type of Total Power Exchange (TPE for short) relationship where the submissive concedes their autonomy to somebody else. We will touch on other TPE types later in this entry.

   Once again, you will find subtypes of the slave subtype, including the two most well-known types which are sex slaves and domestic slaves.

   5a. sex slaves When somebody agrees to be a sex slave, they give up their ability to decline sex (within an agreed-upon dynamic that uses a safe word) and agree to serve their Dominant sexually whenever it is requested of them within the boundaries they have set. This can be anything from giving blow jobs in the theater to fucking in an alleyway to having a quickie in the kitchen during Thanksgiving dinner with the entire family just one open door away (I am guilty of that last one). Essentially, it is the "I get to fuck you anywhere, any time I want, and you cannot refuse" (again, within the pre-set boundaries).

   5b. Domestic slaves A domestic slave is one who may appear to be more of a 1950s style housewife. Their duties may include making dinner, keeping the house clean, taking care of chores like mowing the lawn, or cleaning the litter boxes. A domestic slave is one who gives up their life outside the home to perform duties within it.

   5c. Full slaves* A full slave would be an individual who gives up every aspect of their decision-making and gives it to their Dominant. This can look different depending on the agreements that they've come to within their dynamic, but often includes aspects of the Domestic slave and the sex slave.

   This level of dedication from both the slave and the Master/Mistress may seem a bit overwhelming at first, especially in a world where most adults must be working and you rarely find single-income households. To that end, a slave may have specific requirements from their Dom during their workday to keep them reminded of the fact that they are owned.

   *Let’s remember one type of a slave or submissive in general is in no way better than the others.

   6.Brat Bratting can be associated with the behavior of littles or middles, but that is actually the minority of cases. A brat may often act like an entitled teenager, but that does not mean that they are in little or middle space. It usually means that they like to be confrontational and try to aggravate their Dominant - but each brat will have their own take on why they are bratting. They tend to be very playful, they like to provoke their Dom, either emotionally or sexually, and they’re simultaneously trying to get into trouble and talk their way out of it.

   If they do not have a good fit for a Dominant, they could end up “Topping from the bottom” which is a way of saying that while they’re considered the sub in name, they’re the ones really calling the shots.

   You need a Brat Tamer type Dom to really be able to keep this type of sub in line.

   7. Cuck A cuckold, “cuck” for short, is a submissive coded masculine presenting individual who enjoys watching his partner having sex with other people, while he watches. A cuckqueen would be the female presenting version of this..

   The cuck, whether cuckold or cuckqueen, or a gender-neutral cuck, may then be made to clean up the mess the two lovers made while engaging in sex. One of the thrills for a cuck is watching their partner perform sexual acts they would outright refuse to do with them.

   1. Impact play Probably the most widely recognized form of BDSM play, impact play is the act of striking the receiving partner in a BDSM scene or dynamic. This type of play can be relatively innocuous, with experiences like spanking, to more elaborate things like being tied and whipped or struck with a flogger.

   The quality of pain changes a lot in impact play depending on the type of tools used to do the striking, and the desires of both doms (the dominant partner) and subs (the submissive partner). Some submissives, for example, enjoy thuddy impact more than stingy impact, meaning they prefer to be struck with a larger, more weighty surface like an open hand, paddle, or the bulk of a flogger's tails.

   2. Role play Always present in any sort of D/S relationship to some degree, role play is the act of taking on a different personality, role, character, or archetype. This can be for the duration of a scene, with a wild torturer and helpless damsel, or play out in subtler ways depending on the agreements of any particular coupling. You can even throw in some bondage clothing or a BDSM mask to add more excitement.

   Getting into kinky roleplay can be fun. Ever thought of playing the BDSM role of a captured cheerleader and crazed attacker? Or maybe you’ve had a fantasy that you’re actually someone completely different and “cheating” without actually cheating. Or maybe you want to feel owned by another, so on goes the BDSM collar as a symbol of your servitude. The sky and depraved minds are truly the only limits on this one!

   3. Knife play Knife play is the act of using some sort of bladed object to heighten a BDSM scene or experience. Knife play can bring in elements of sensation play with the temperature of the knife being a shock, or be used in fear play, showing off a more sharp, dangerous knife, and then swapping it with something blunted for relative safety.

   Knife play can involve cutting or breaking the skin consensually, with the submissive partner agreeing to said arrangement, and it takes lots of BDSM practice to get it right. It’s important to keep in mind that BDSM practitioners practice immensely to be able to do these sorts of play activities safely, attending classes and practicing within a safe scope.

   4. Pain play Present in lots of different types of BDSM situations, pain play can show up to various degrees. Everyone’s pain threshold is a little different, and with a bit of practice and coaxing, sometimes that threshold can be slowly expanded through practice and effort. For some, pain is tied to pleasure, so pain play can be a bit of sexual play as well.

   Not all pain is created equal. Getting spanked, for example, sounds a lot more fun than having a pounding headache. Every BDSM participant will have preferences on the types of pain they like to receive, and their wishes above all else should be respected. BDSM doesn’t have to contain sexual gratification, but like any other consensual sexual activity, consent in BDSM can be withdrawn at any time, and a scene stopped

   5. Fear play Fear play is a bit of a psychological thriller. Fear play is the sexual act of creating situations where one partner can safely experience genuine fear. Fear of bodily harm is an easy example to point to from a BDSM context, but it can also be fear of being humiliated or other types of emotional triggers.

   6. Humiliation play Maybe what really gets your gears going is being humiliated. Humiliation play goes to all new heights under a BDSM lense, with purpose-built tools like toilet brush gags fit around the face and mouth, leaving the wearer to clean the toilet with just their neck muscles. For some, being embarrassed or called out in a humiliating situation can be very much a sexual turn-on.

   7. Sensation play Sensation play is the sexual act of dulling and/or heightening senses to make sensations more intense. Using a sex toy like nipple clamps are one example of a way to engage in sensation play because while they can be initially painful, once nipple clamps are released, the clamped tissue becomes much more sensitive than before.

   Sensation play can come in the form of sensory deprivation like dulling senses, like putting on a blindfold or earplugs, forcing the receptive partner to use their other senses to navigate their personal predicament. Masks can be used (including gas masks), perhaps dulling one or multiple senses at the same time for added inconvenience or providing an overload and numbing out, offering up too much sexual pleasure for one person to handle.

   8. Wax play Often used in sensation play or temperature play, wax play is the art of dropping hot wax onto (usually) naked skin. When done safely, the temperature of the wax causes a slight burning effect. This is highly dependent on the material of the wax candle itself, with soy candles and paraffin candles being most appropriate due to their lower melting point, in comparison to, say, beeswax candles.

   Bonus: Pet play Also known as animal role play, pet play is the practice of acting like a pet, be that a horse, cat, dog (puppy play), or other animal. This is commonly paired with wearing things like a collar and leash. Doms can have their pet eat out of a doggy or kitty bowl, or perhaps pull their owner around, similar to how a horse pulls an owner’s cart.

   Aftercare - Taking care of your partner after an intense scene by providing items that they may find comforting such as specific blankets, movies, beverages, and snuggles

   Anal Training - The act of using objects including fingers and toys to stretch the anal opening to be better prepared for anal sex.

   Ass Play - The act of using the anus as an erogenous zone including both external stimulation and penetrative acts

   BDSM - The initialism of Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission Sadism, and Masochism which is used as a catchall term for a litany of unconventional sexual practices.

   Blood Play - Drawing the blood of the submissive by various means for purpose of sexual gratification of both parties

   Bondage - The act of physically restraining somebody for the purpose of sexual gratification

   Rope Bondage - The use of rope when restraining somebody

   Shibari - A type of rope bondage fashioned out Japanese knotwork wherein the placement of the rope and type of knots become works of art

   Bottom - The receiving participant in a scene - usually the submissive but Dominants like to bottom too!; opposite of the “Top”

   Collaring - Often seen as the kinky version of marriage, a collaring occurs when a Dominant places a collar or a representation of a collar upon their submissive as a means of marking them as theirs

   Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) - an agreed-upon scenario wherein the parties involved play as though there is no consent and “forced” sexual acts are performed on the “victim” - use of a Safe Word is imperative with this type of play; umbrella term that “rape play” falls under

   Cuckold/Cuckqueen/Cuck - An individual who enjoys watching their partner enjoy sexual encounters with others and often assisting with the “cleanup” afterward

   D/s Dynamic - Standing for Domination and submission either within the scope of a roleplay or as a full time relationship dynamic

   Dominant - An individual who “dominates” a submissive within their dynamic - there are many different types of Dominant

   Bedroom Dom - A Dominant who only plays that role in the bedroom during sexual encounters

   Brat Tamer - A Dominant who is the Top to a brat and enjoys the challenge of guiding the mischievous energy and not allowing them to get away with their misbehavior

   Daddy Dom - A Dominant who plays the role of Daddy to a partner who roleplays as a young child; used as gender-neutral

   Dommy Mommy - A female identifying dominant who plays the role of Mommy to a partner who roleplays as a young child

   Dominatrix - A female identifying dominant also referred to as a Domme

   Master - A Dominant who identifies as a Master and owner of their submissive/slave - this is often found within a 24/7 total power exchange dynamic

   ProDom/ProDomme - Professional Dominants who are paid to dominate their clients

   Domspace - A state of mind that the Dom may enter into during a scene that is described as euphoric

   Dungeon - A specific room or area where BDSM toys and equipment have been placed and arranged for the purpose of play

   Edgeplay - More intense types of play that increase the physical and emotional risk of the participants - SEE: CNC, Knife play, needle play, and blood play for examples

   Fear Play - Using fear within a scene to heighten the sexual arousal of all parties

   Fisting - Penetrating the vagina or rectum with a hand

   Golden Showers/Watersports - The use of urine in a scene wherein somebody urinates on another individual

   Impact Play - A type of play where the Dominant uses body parts (hands, legs etc) or toys such as floggers, whips, paddles, or other instruments to impact the submissive’s body

   Kink - The description of any unconventional act or item that causes sexual arousal or gratification

   Knife Play - Use of a knife during play - it does not always involve cutting and often is used as part of fear play

   Masochism - The enjoyment of receiving pain during sexual encounters

   Masochist - An individual who enjoys another causing them pain for the purpose of sexual gratification

   Needle Play/Play Piercing - Where the Dom uses needles to pierce the skin of the submissive for both sensation and bloodplay

   Pony - A Ponyboy or Ponygirl is one who is dressed as a pony complete with a butt plug that has a tail and often instructed to perform as a show horse

   Pussy Torture - Torture of the vulva in order to enhance sexual gratification of the participants

   Sadism - The act of getting pleasure through the infliction of pain on another

   Sadist - One who practices sadism and enjoys inflicting pain during sexual encounters (with consent)

   Safe Word - A word that all participants have agreed to that tells the rest to stop everything immediately

   Stoplight Method - The stoplight method refers to the use of Green Light, Yellow Light, and Red Light as safe words wherein Green Light means to continue, Yellow Light means to slow down or back off but not stop, and Red Light means that all activity stops immediately

   Submissive - An individual who submits to a Dominant

   Brat - This is a submissive who enjoys acting in a contrary manner, being disobedient, and often acting out to get what they want and provoke a response from their Dominant

   Little - A kinkster who roleplays as a child (not always a submissive!)

   Middle - A kinkster who roleplays as a older child, generally 10 years old or older

   Slave - An individual who gives up all control of their lives to their Master or Mistress

   Subdrop - The emotional and physical drop a submissive experiences after an intense scene has ended - it can be mitigated through aftercare, though not entirely avoided in most cases

   Switch - An individual who enjoys both being Dominant and submissive depending on the partner and the scene in question

   Tit Torture - The physical torture of the breasts on individuals who have breasts

   Topping From the Bottom - When the submissive attempts to guide the actions of the Dom outside of the Brat/Brat Tamer dynamic

   Vanilla - The term used to explain those people who are not into BDSM and Kink

   Initiating sex consists of touching a partner and taking control. Normally the dominant person in a relationship will take control, they usually start with kissing or touching the submissive person in order to get them aroused.

   In some relationships it's acceptable for sex to start immediately with penetration. These are called free use relationships.

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