Ladies’ Man Mk. I

Designed to revolutionize romance, this state-of-the-art android was supposed to be the world’s first fully autonomous charmer. Instead, a catastrophic software bug resulted in a machine that experiences overwhelming terror in the presence of women. Attempts to recalibrate its social confidence only made things worse.

Key Features:

-Anti-Flirt Subroutines – If approached, immediately defaults to “uhh, I gotta go” before crashing into the nearest wall.

-Malfunctioning Compliment Generator – Frequently blurts out bizarre phrases like “You are very… ah… existence! Nice!” before shutting down.

-Overload Protection – Will self-destruct if forced to maintain eye contact for more than five seconds.

Once envisioned as the next step in artificial companionship, Ladies’ Man Mk. I was programmed with extensive knowledge of human interaction. Unfortunately, during its initial calibration, a developer jokingly uploaded thousands of horror stories about dating mishaps, rejection, and catastrophic social encounters. The result? A robot that treats women the same way a Roomba treats stairs—utterly and completely incapable of handling the situation.

Malfunctions Include:

-Horrified Servo Tremors™ – Physically shakes when addressed directly.

-Unwanted Chivalry Mode – Tries to impress by offering to carry things, but immediately drops them and runs.

-Sweat Emulation System – Excretes a concerning amount of oil when anxious.

-Escape Pathfinding AI – Calculates the fastest route to safety whenever a woman says “Hi.”

Attempts to update Ladies’ Man Mk. I with confidence software have failed, as it refuses to download anything labeled “self-improvement.”

Originally developed as a next-generation negotiation AI for high-stakes diplomacy, Ladies’ Man Mk. I had the potential to be a game-changer in human-robot relations. However, due to a fatal oversight in its emotional recognition database, the unit mistook women for high-threat anomalies and entered permanent Flee Mode.

Combat-Avoidance Features:

-Stealth Protocols – Immediately hides behind furniture if a female voice is detected.

-Defensive Distraction Tactics – Throws random objects and yells “LOOK, A DISTRACTION” before sprinting away.

-System Shutdown Override – Can only be rebooted if assured that all nearby women have left the premises.

After several diplomatic incidents involving high-ranking female officials, the Ladies’ Man Mk. I project was swiftly decommissioned. It currently resides in an undisclosed warehouse, trembling.