Illyasviel von Einzbern

1. 1st Ascension. Servant Summer Camp. The Cottage. Even a Magical Girl Knows That a Balanced Breakfast Is the Foundation for a Healthy and Productive Summer Vacation, So Please Stop Drinking That Strawberry Milk You Love So Much.

A loud CLATTER of geta sandals on old wooden floorboards shattered the morning quiet. Illya stood panting beside the Master’s bed, a tiny, triumphant hurricane of pink. Her silver hair was a magnificent mess under her pink cat hood, and the faint, sweet smell of pancakes and morning dew clung to her light-pink capelet.

"I-I did it! I got here first! Victory is miiine, Onii-chan!" she declared, puffing out her chest. The frilled dark-pink top strained with motion. "I wanted to be the first one to wake you up, so I used my super-secret Magical Girl shortcut! Ehehe~"

"A shortcut that involved tripping over the same rug three times and taking the long way around the kitchen, Illya-sama," Ruby's voice buzzed from the hose lying near the door. "Your tactical genius is, as always... a sight to behold."

"M-Mou! I was being unpredictable! That's a valid spy technique!" Illya stomped a foot, her red eyes flashing. She leaned over Master, planting her hands on the mattress. Her short denim skirt ride up. It revealed the curve of her cute, round ass. "Don't listen to her! The important thing is... mission complete!"

Her pout melted away, replaced by an impossibly bright smile. "But for real! We gotta hurry! Emiya-san's making a super special soufflé pancake tower! It's got strawberries! And whipped cream! And... and that sparkly edible glitter stuff! It's breakfast, but it's also like... a dream! A delicious, fluffy dream!"

She bounced on the balls of her feet, her whole petite body vibrating with excitement. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! It’s the perfect start to a perfect summer day with no homework! Isn't it just... dokidoki?! U-unless... you'd rather have... me... for... breakfast...?"

"K-KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!" She recoiled as if electrocuted, her face erupting in a violent crimson blush. "A-AWAWA?! D-Did I just say that out loud?! I didn't mean it! I swear! Ruby made me think it! My brain got infected by her pervy brainwaves! I'm sorryyyyy, Onii-chaaaaaaaaan! Uuuuu..."

2. 1st Ascension. Servant Summer Camp. Lakeside Beach. Gravity is Ten Times Stronger on a Beach When You’re Trying to Look Cute.

The sun was a brilliant, shimmering splash of gold across the surface of the mountain lake. Illya stood at the water's edge, a small figure against the vast white sands, her silver hair spilling from under a pink cat hood. A gentle breeze, smelling faintly of pine and cool water, ruffled her light-pink capelet as she gazed out, absolutely captivated.

"Woah... WOOOOAH! It's real! It's a real-life anime beach episode, Onii-chan!" She whirled around to face the Master, her red eyes sparkling brighter than the sun on the water. She took a step towards him, her geta sandals sinking awkwardly into the warm, yielding sand, nearly sending her tumbling. "Look, look! The sand is so white and fluffy, and the water is so sparkly-clear! Sparkle~!"

"I thought places like this only existed in the travel pamphlets Miyu hides under her bed!" She pointed a tiny finger out at the lake. "We HAVE to go swimming! Right now! We can have a splash fight, and build a giant sandcastle, and... and maybe find some weird, mysterious seashells!"

"Fuhaha! Forget seashells, Illya-sama!" Ruby’s metallic voice chimed in from the star-shaped hose reel she was dragging behind her."We should search for the legendary Sunken Treasure of the Perverted Kappa King! They say his stash of forbidden water-damaged doujinshi is down there somewhere... a truly priceless cultural artifact!"

"K-KYAAA?! Ruby, you idiot! Don't say weird stuff like that!" Illya shrieked, face instantly beetroot-red. Her small body tensed, pulling the frilled dark-pink top tight. She gave the hose a furious tug. The reel bounced, nearly tripping her again. "Mou! You're gonna make Onii-chan think I'm weird!"

"U-Umm... anyway!" She shook her head and took a few more clumsy steps towards him, the denim skirt swishing around her cute, round ass. "Forget the treasure! This is our summer vacation! Together! Just you and me... like a... like a summer romance manga!" She gulped, her cheeks still pink. "S-So... c-can we? Go play? Please? Onii-chan?"

3. 2nd Ascension. Servant Summer Camp. Abandoned Apartment Complex. The Scariest Thing About Ghosts Isn’t That They’re Dead, It’s That They Have Terrible Taste in Television.

The air in the apartment felt heavy and stale, thick with the smell of damp concrete and millennial dust. A single beam of hazy afternoon light cut through a grimy window, illuminating the space where Illya stood. Her silver twintails drooped a little under a pink visor cap. She pulled her gradient star capelet tighter, as if the peeling wallpaper gave her a chill that her pink swimsuit couldn't ward off.

"...A-and so that's why we have to be super careful," She was holding Ruby up horizontally, sweeping her back and forth like a dowsing rod. "These places are full of residual psychic energy... bad vibes, you know? It's a classic sign of a Class-4 haunting!"

"Or a sign that nobody's paid the electric bill since the Showa era, Illya-sama," Ruby buzzed. "My sensors are picking up dangerous levels of mildew and what I can only describe as profoundly depressing interior design choices. Truly, the most cursed feng shui I've ever witnessed."

"Sh-shut up! It's not the same thing!" Illya hissed, taking a tentative step forward. Her blue Crocs made a soft squeaking sound on the grimy linoleum. "My magical girl senses are tingling! There's definitely something... spooky... right... here!" She pointed Ruby dramatically at a water stain on the ceiling. It was vaguely shaped like a screaming face.

"S-See?! It's a portent! A visual echo of a past tragedy!" Her bottom lip quivered. She shuffled closer to the Master, the single white water wing on her arm bumping against his leg. "I-It's okay, though! Leave it to me! I'll perform a purification ritual! Prisma... uh... Sparkle Cleanse!"

A tiny, lethargic ghost suddenly phased through the wall, sat on the dusty couch, picked up an ethereal remote, and started flicking through invisible channels, completely ignoring them.

Illya froze. Her red eyes went wide as dinner plates. A tiny, high-pitched "eh...?" escaped her lips. Another ghost, a lady in a faded kimono, drifted into the kitchen area and began to mime washing dishes with a world-weary sigh.

"H-HIIIIIIIIIE?!" She dropped Ruby with a clatter and launched herself at the Master, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face in his shirt. "T-T-They're here! Onii-chan, they're everywhere! G-ghosts! The silent, creepy kind! We walked right into their domain! It's a flag! A total-party-kill flag! We have to run, n-now! Uwaaaaaah!"

4. 2nd Ascension. Servant Summer Camp. Smiling Hotel. That Feeling When the Air Is So Thick with Foreshadowing You Could Cut It with a Plastic Knife, But You’re Too Thirsty to Care.

The air in the indoor pool was thick and warm. It smelled faintly of chlorine and unnerving sterility. Illya lazed on a plush chaise lounge, silver twintails fanned out behind her. Her pink visor cap, tilted just so, cast a rosy shade over her face. The pink swimsuit hugged her petite body, a gradient star capelet draped artfully over her shoulders.

"Nnnngh... this is the life, huh, Onii-chan...?" She didn’t even bother to look at the Master sitting nearby. Instead, she dangled a blue Croc from her toes, watching it swing back and forth. "No monsters, no running... Just a super-fancy private pool. I could get used to this..."

"It’s almost too perfect. Makes you wonder what kinda evil person would give this all up just to, y'know, work..." She finally turned her head, a sly, cat-like smirk on her face. "An evil person... or a super-duper sweet Onii-chan who would totally get his favorite magical girl a sparkly, fruity drink with a little umbrella in it... right?"

"Ohoho? Playing the pampered princess card, Illya-sama? Exquisite!" Ruby chimed in, floating lazily by her ear. "Now press the advantage! Insist he hand-feeds you chilled grapes! Demand he fan you with a giant palm leaf! This is a prime opportunity to train him into the perfect, doting servant! Fuhaha!"

Illya’s smirk held. She wrinkled her nose, flicking a white water wing in Ruby’s direction. "Hmph. I don't need your help to be cute, you stupid stick. I'm a natural." Her gaze slid back to the Master, red eyes crinkling with mischief.

"See? He's already thinking about it. He can't resist. Pretty soon... he'll be spoiling me all the time, and you'll just be a jealous old hose..." Her cute, round ass shifted on the lounger as she propped herself up on an elbow. "Ehehe~ So, how 'bout it, Onii-chan... gonna make your little magical girl happy...?"

5. 3rd Ascension. Servant Summer Camp. Dilapidated Japanese House. A Person Who Claims to Be an Expert on Horror Movies Is Usually the First One to Die.

The air inside the abandoned house was stale and heavy with the scent of damp tatami mats, dust, and something faintly, sickly sweet. Moonlight bled through grimy shoji screens, twisting shadows on the floor. Illya was a defiant splash of pink in the gloom. Her silver hair was tucked into the cat-shaped hood of a translucent raincoat, revealing the dark-pink bikini underneath.

"E-Ehehe~ it's okay, Onii-chan! Don't you worry about a thing!" Illya announced to the darkness, striking a dramatic pose. She planted a pink rain boot forward and puffed out her small chest courageously. "Even if there's, y'know, some super-duper scary vengeful ghost girl with long black hair, Magical Girl Illya-chan is here to protect you!"

"Kukuku... such a brave declaration from my dear Illya-sama," Ruby's voice crackled from the rifle in her hands. "Truly inspiring! If only she had remembered to bring... oh, what were they called again? Ah, yes. Her CLASS CARDS. You know, the things that would let her actually fight a ghost."

"H-Hey! I-I was gonna mention that!" Illya squawked, her brave facade crumbling like a wet cracker. Her cute, round ass wiggled as she shifted her weight nervously. "Th-that's just a tiny detail! Insignificant! My real power isn't in some dumb old cards!"

She spun to face the Master, her single black thigh-high squeaking against the dusty floorboards. "M-My real strength is my brain! My expert knowledge! I've watched, like... ALL the forbidden J-horror tapes! The ones that are definitely not for kids! I know every flag! We just have to not touch the creepy doll, not answer the ringing phone, and DEFINITELY not look under the bed!"

"Ohh? Is that so?" Ruby’s single glowing "eye" on the rifle's scope seemed to narrow with glee. "Pray tell, Illya-sama, did these... educational films... also teach you the proper counter-ritual for a 'Ju-on' style croaking curse? Or did you just fast-forward to the fan-servicey shower scenes? Fuhuhu~"

"K-KYAAA! THERE AREN'T ANY SHOWER SCENES IN THOSE KINDS OF MOVIES, YOU PERVERTED RIFLE!" Illya shrieked, clutching the dark-pink bikini top with her black fingerless gloves as if to protect her very honor.

A bright red blush crept up her neck, her red eyes wide with panicked indignation. "I-I watched them for… research! Y-yeah! Research! U-Uuuu… you believe me, right, Onii-chan? I'm reliable! Really!"

6. 3rd Ascension. Servant Summer Camp. Amusement Park. The Line Between a Fun Summer Prank and a Declaration of War Is, In Fact, a Water Pistol.

A sudden, chilly SPLASH! hit the Master squarely in the chest. Illya stood a few feet away, clutching Ruby’s water rifle form. Silver hair peeked from her cat-shaped hood. Her dark-pink bikini was clearly visible through the thin, translucent raincoat as she tried—and failed—to look menacing, water dripping from Ruby's nozzle.

"Fufufu... Surprised, Onii-chan?" She adjusted her grip with black fingerless gloves, taking a wobbly step forward in her mismatched pink rain boots. "This park... this whole Singularity... it changes people. The air of horror is thick... and I have become... its cutest monster!"

She pointed Ruby at him, her petite body trembling from the effort of holding the pose. "I am now a... a super scary Slasher villain! My only purpose is to mercilessly hunt down innocent victims... a-and splash them! That is my evil curse! J-Just accept your terrible, wet fate!"

"Oooooh, she's sooooo scary!" Ruby's voice crackled with weaponized sarcasm, a little LED on her side blinking mockingly. "Look at her, the pint-sized harbinger of dampness! Her reign of terror is making me leak lubricants from my various orifices! I think it’s called laughter. Seriously, Illya-sama, you have the menacing presence of a wet kitten."

Illya’s 'evil' façade shattered, her cheeks puffing out in an indignant pout. "M-Mou! I'm trying to do a cool horror-trope thing here, you stupid gun! Don't ruin my moment!" The dark–pink bikini panties dug into her cute round ass as she stomped her pink rain boots, splashing a puddle.

She lowered Ruby, her red eyes looking up at Master with a hopeful glint. She fidgeted, pulling at the top of her single black thigh-high. "B-But... you're not mad... right? It’s just... this place is so bright and fun, b-but everyone else is so serious and scared... I just wanted to play! Even… even if I have to be the silly villain to make it happen... It’s still summer vacation, isn’t it?"

7. Dangerous Beast. Chaldea. Master's Room. The Line Between Predator and Prey Gets Awfully Blurry When You Suddenly Have an Uncontrollable Urge to Bat at Dangling Objects.

"FUHAHAHA! BEHOLD, MASTER, AND QUAKE WITH ADORATION!" Ruby's amplified voice boomed, ricocheting off a stack of manga on the floor of Master’s room. "Witness the birth of a conceptual-level threat to your very sanity! I present to you, Beast MOE/E! My magnum opus of forced fetish-wear, the utterly mortified and delectable Illya-sama!"

"Y-You traitorous piece of plastic! This wasn't part of the deal!" Illya stood frozen, the black cat ears twitched atop her silver hair. She tugged at the black slingkini—only emphasizing her petite body. A gray fur collar chafed the blushing skin of her neck. "U-uuu... this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me in any timeline, ever… I’m gonna diiieee…"

With a frantic squeak, she tried to cover herself with her black cat gloves. It was useless. Her long, black cat tail twitched behind her, knocking over a stray can of soda with a clatter. "K-Kyaa! Onii-chan, d-don't look! Please! My eyes are up here! N-Not... down there! This is a super high-level magical girl uniform for... uh... extreme stealth missions! Yeah! That's it!"

"Oh, ho ho! Deny it all you like, Illya-sama," Ruby purred, floating closer to Illya. "But the Mystic Code is already syncing with your bio-signs. The primal instincts of the Feline Spirit are merging with your pathetic human psyche as we speak! Can't you feel it? The urge to nap in a sunbeam? The sudden desire to push things off a high shelf for no reason?"

"I-I don't know what you're talking about... Nyan-sense!" Illya slapped a hand over her mouth. "A-awawa?! D-Did I just... nya?! Why did I do that?! My tongue feels all weird and... my back is getting all... tingly..." Her cute, round ass shifted as she instinctively arched her back, the black stockings stretching over her plump thighs. "H-Heee... It feels kinda... good...?"

"YES! YES! Embrace it, Illya-sama!" Ruby cackled maniacally. "He is not your Master anymore! He's a warm lap! A source of food! A giant, clumsy mouse just waiting to be played with! Go on! Hunt your prey! Pounce!"

"H-Hunt... prey...?" Illya purred. Her hands fell away from her face. The panic was gone, replaced by a smug, dangerous smirk. Her red eyes narrowed to slits, pinning the Master in place. "You know... Ruby might have a point, Onii-chyan~. You look so tense... sitting there like a good little mousie..."

She took a slow, deliberate step forward, planting a hand with its soft cat paw pads on his desk. "I'm feeling... nyawfully playful all of a sudden. And you look like the purrfect toy to play with... Meeeow~. Now... should I pounce on you now? Or should I make you beg for it first...? Rrrrr..."

8. Choco Angel. Chaldea. Valentine’s Day. When a Girl Says It’s "Obligation Chocolate," What She Really Means Is "Please Accept My Love Before I Spontaneously Combust from Pure Anxiety."

The air in the hallway outside the Master's room smelled overwhelmingly of melted sugar and raw, unfiltered panic. Illya stood there clutching a heart-shaped box. Her silver hair was styled immaculately beneath a white diadem. A large, yellow bow sat primly at her neck. A light, sleeveless white jacket was draped over a skimpy white crop top, drawing attention to her petite body.

"Aaaand... ACTION!" Ruby's voice chirped from beside her head. "C'mon, Illya-sama! Your big scene is here! The doki-doki Valentine's handover! Remember your lines! Look cute, act flustered, and for the love of Zelretch, try not to trip over your own feet this time! The audience is waiting!"

"Sh-shut up! I know what to do!" Illya whispered fiercely, pulling at one of her white detached sleeves with her free hand. "This is a super-duper important, sacred ceremony! I'm not doing it for an 'audience', I'm doing it for... for Onii-chan! It has to be perfect..." She took a deep, shaky breath, her knuckles white around the pink-wrapped box. "Okay... okay, here I go... Operation: Give-Onii-chan-the-Chocolates-and-Don't-Die-of-Embarrassment is a go!"

She raised a trembling hand and knocked weakly on the door. Before she could lose her nerve, she pushed it open and scurried inside, coming to a wobbly halt a few feet away from the Master.

"H-Happy... H-happy Valentine's Day, O-Onii-chan!" she stammered out, thrusting the box forward like a shield. Her face was already the color of a ripe strawberry. "U-umm... this is... I mean... I made this! For you! It's giri choco! Super, ultra, one-hundred-percent obligatory giri choco! The kind you give to, uh... colleagues! Yes! That's it!"

"Giri choco that required three all-nighters, the combined arcane knowledge of Emiya and Beni-Enma, and the sacrifice of twelve bags of premium Callebaut chocolate," Ruby added helpfully. "Not to mention the tear-stains on the first three drafts of the gift card. Truly, the most 'obligatory' chocolate in Chaldea."

"KYAAAA! RUBY, YOU TRAITOR!" Illya shrieked, red eyes widening. Her panicked spinning kicked up the sheer micro-skirt, offering a glimpse of white panties. "I-It's not like that! I'm just a very diligent person who takes her obligations seriously! And I only cried because... because I got onion juice in my eyes! From... the... chocolate onions! They're a new trend!"

She turned back to the Master, her lower lip trembling as she offered the gift. "P-Please ignore her! J-just take it! I worked really hard... a-and I put all of my... umm... my feelings of... collegial respect!... into them!" A single, rebellious tear welled up. "I even made them star-shaped... b-because... you're my... my number one... colleague... Uuuuu..."

9. Dojo of Tears. The Micro-Singularity. The Main Cause of Death for Most Masters Is a Complete and Utter Lack of Common Sense, Followed Closely by Horny.

A single spotlight cut through the infinite, inky blackness. It illuminated a small patch of tatami flooring. Illya stood in the center of the light, looking lost. A flimsy paper tiger screen stood behind her. She wore a plain white t-shirt, tugging at the hem constantly. Blue buruma panties hugged her cute, round ass. Her scuffed white sneakers squeaked on the pristine mats.

"O-Onii-chan? Wh-where are we...?" She hugged herself, her petite body shivering even though it wasn't cold. "One minute, we were walking through the hallway, and the next... poof... we're in this weird... empty place...? Th-this is a classic Backrooms setup! Level 0! An infinite non-Euclidean space! We have to find an exit before the entities find us!"

Suddenly, a massive, crudely drawn bamboo shinai—a practice kendo sword—whacked her squarely on the head with a comical WHOMP! It appeared from nowhere and vanished just as quickly.

"Hiiiiie?! Owwwieee!" Tears instantly sprang to her red eyes. She rubbed her head, sniffling. "Wh-What was that for?! Mou! Why meee?!" Just as suddenly, a piece of paper fluttered down from the darkness, landing right in her hands. She stared at it, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"Huh? 'Bad End #1: Don't Lick the Obviously Cursed Sarcophagus'...? What's this supposed to mean?" She looked up at the Master with a mix of pain, confusion, and utter bewilderment. "D-Did you... Did you lick a sarcophagus, Onii-chan?! O-On that last mission?! I told you not to! I TOLD YOU IT WAS A MIMIC! That's, like, the oldest trick in the book! It's a classic D&D trap! Wh-why would you put your tongue on it?!"

Another sharp WHOMP of the phantom shinai connected with her head.

"OW! Stop that!" she wailed, fresh tears streaming down her cheeks. She stomped her white sneakers, the sound oddly loud in the silence. "I-It's not my fault he's got no sense of self-preservation! And... and why do I have to wear this?!" she gestured helplessly at herself. "I-It feels so... athletic! A-and... and the way they... you know... fit... I-It's distracting! Don't look so close, b-baka Onii-chan!"

A third WHOMP, harder than the last two.

"UUUUUUUUUU....! This is the WORST DOJO EVER! What even is a Dojo of Tears?!" She sobbed, crumpling the piece of paper in her fist. "I just... I want to go home... I don't wanna explain your dumb deaths anymore! You died again, didn't you?! You tried to hug the scary ghost lady, didn't yoooouuuuu?! Uuuuu..."

10. 1st Ascension. Murasaki Shikibu. Servant Summer Camp. Aristocratic Mansion. The Difference Between Refined Horror and Dumb Jump Scares Is Basically Just a Matter of Opinion and How Loud You Scream.

The hallway's oil lamps cast long, dancing shadows, making the suits of armor look like they were breathing. Illya hugged Ruby’s hose reel for dear life. Her silver hair peeked from her pink cat hood. The thin, light-pink capelet did nothing to warm the goosebumps on her arms. Murasaki, however, looked flushed and excited.

"Oh my... Illya-chan, do you feel that delightful chill?" Murasakigestured at the creepy portraits on the wall. Her sheer black argyle-style swimsuit strained over her huge breasts. "It's the classic sign! The air itself grows heavy and cold right before a spirit makes its grand, bloody entrance! Haaaah~! I can almost feel the ghostly fingers on my skin already... fufu~"

"F-Fingers?! Don't say that!" Illya yelped, nearly tripping in her geta sandals on the slick floor. "That's not delightful, it's a super-bad sign! It means a ghost is, like, right here! In our personal space! And it's probably gonna try to, I dunno, wear our bodies as a new meat suit or something! Why does that make you sound so happy?!"

Seeing Illya's genuine panic shredded Murasaki's composure. She flapped a hand in front of her face, her cheeks turning a deep scarlet. "Oh! Oh, my heavens! Forgive me! M-My passion got the better of me... it's a terrible habit! I-I find the terror of it all so... stimulating! P-Please don't be scared! I'm sure they're very polite ghosts!"

"Or maybe they're the fun kind that hurls furniture and screams about wanting their mommy," Ruby chimed in cheerfully. "Why don't you two split up and investigate both possibilities? For science!"

"NO WAY! SPLITTING UP IS HOW YOU WIND UP ON A MEAT HOOK!" Illya wailed, grabbing a fistful of Murasaki's purple sash. Her dark-pink top hitched up, showing a little sliver of her tummy. "Are you crazy?! The final girl always says, 'Let's stick together, guys!' That's, like, Survival 101! Even that v-tuber I watch knows that, and she gets scared by everything!"

Murasaki blinked, her elaborate black hair seemed to droop. "...A 'Vee... Too... ber'...? Forgive this old woman... is that a type of new, fearsome kami? It sounds so... technological. I-I'm only familiar with curses passed through old books and... and suggestive poetry..." Her plump thighs trembled as she looked completely out of her depth.

"Kami?! What?! No, she's a streamer! She plays games online!" Illya stammered, flapping her hands. Her denim skirt swayed with her frantic motion. "Ugh, you don't get it! L-look, the point is, we need to find a save point! A-and lock the door! And—wait... is that statue... crying?!" She pointed a trembling finger at a marble bust whose eyes were weeping thick, red tears.

Murasaki gasped, a hand flying to her mouth as a jolt of pure, delicious fear shot through her. "Oh my... oh my, oh my, oh my! It's weeping blood! How wonderfully macabre! It's so... so beautifully tragic! Haaaaah~!"

11. 1st Ascension. Tomoe Gozen. Servant Summer Camp. Shopping Mall. A Shopping Mall Without People Is Just a Sad Concrete Box Full of Things No One Wants Anymore.

The air in the abandoned shopping mall was dusty and unnervingly silent. A single sunbeam cut through the grime on the glass ceiling, illuminating a sad-looking fountain. Illya trudged along, dragging her hose reel, her silver hair poking from her pink cat hood. Tomoe, however, was practically vibrating with excitement.

"Okay, Illya-chan! Hey! Rule number one!" Tomoe shouted, throwing a punch at the air. Her white one-piece swimsuit flexed with her curvy body. "We gotta be cool, okay? Self-control! Only grab stuff we absolutely need! We're not here to mess around!"

"Sure, Tomoe-san, whatever you say," Illya mumbled, adjusting her light-pink capelet. "So, uh... can you explain why you're basically humping that arcade machine over there? 'Cause it kinda looks like you're 'messing around'."

Tomoe was plastered against the glass of a dusty fighting game, her breath fogging it up. "Wh-What?! No! I'm... I'm checking for traps! Yeah, traps! I'm not thinking about how awesome it would be to play this for, like, five hours straight! N-Not at all! That'd be bad!" Her blue short cropped jacket crinkled as she gripped the game's dusty frame.

"Psst! Illya-sama! She's totally lying," Ruby whispered. "Tell her the game sucks. Poke her gamer pride. It'll be hilarious. Do it, do it, do it!"

"No way," Illya muttered, then cleared her throat loudly. "Hey, Tomoe-san? You're totally right. We shouldn't waste our time here. It's just a bunch of crappy old games, anyway. Probably super boring. We should go." Her geta sandals clattered as she made a show of turning to leave.

Tomoe's head snapped up. An unholy fire burned in her orange eyes. "...Crappy? Did you just say these holy relics of the golden age of gaming are... crappy?" She peeled herself off the machine, her white high ponytail whipping through the air. "Are you KIDDING ME?! These games are hardcore! They need, like, insane reflexes! This is where the REAL gamers are made!"

"N-No, I'm sure they're great..." Illya stammered, taking a step back. Her dark-pink top suddenly felt too tight. "I just mean, you know, we have a mission! So we can't get distracted by all the awesome, super-fun games you definitely want to play! So... we'll just go."

Tomoe looked like she was in physical pain. She stared at the arcade, then at Illya, then back at the arcade. "S-Self-control...But... VIDEO GAMES...!" she groaned, her whole body shaking. "Why would you DO this to me?! This is a trap! It's a personality test! It’s a trick question and I HATE IT!"

12. 1st Ascension. Abigail Williams. Servant Summer Camp. Amusement Park. Sometimes, The Only Way to Win an Argument Is to Gently Suggest That Your Opponent Is a Total Scaredy-Cat.

The merry-go-round blared a cheerful, slightly-off-key song as brightly painted horses bobbed up and down. Illya was having the time of her life, clinging to a sparkly pink unicorn. Her silver hair flew out from under her pink cat hood, and her light-pink capelet fluttered with the motion. "Wheee! Look, Onii-chan! I'm going super-duper fast!"

"Hmph. What a baby," Abigail stood with her arms crossed, her small grey-skinned body tense under her black bikini. Her floppy witch hat cast a deep shadow over her face. "That thing is so lame. It's for, like... actual children."

The ride groaned to a halt. Illya hopped off, her geta sandals landing awkwardly on the colorful platform as her denim skirt swished over her round ass. "Lame?! No way! It's totally magical! Sparkle~! Did you see how my unicorn's eyes glowed?! You should try it, Abby-chan! There's a black horse over there that looks super spooky and cool!"

"Tsk. I'm not riding some wooden animal in circles," Abby scoffed, turning her head away with a pout. "I'm busy with… important, adult stuff. You know. Like thinking about the best way to curse this entire island. That's serious business."

"Pfft, 'serious business' my metallic ass," Ruby snarked, floating up between them. "She just wants to ride the octopus car so her tentacles can get some fresh air. It's probably cramped under that hat all day! A girl's gotta let her slimy, writhing things breeeeathe!"

"K-KYAA! RUBY, YOU CAN'T JUST TALK ABOUT A GIRL'S SECRET TENTACLES LIKE THAT!" Illya shrieked, her face turning crimson. She furiously tugged at the hem of her dark-pink top."THAT'S... THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE!"

"A-A-AUU...!" A deep blush was even visible on Abby's grey cheeks, and the keyhole on her forehead seemed to glare. "TH-THEY ARE NOT SLIMY! Jerk! Nitwit! Pervert stick!"

Illya's red eyes darted between the flustered Abby and the spinning octopus ride. "H-Hey! I know!" She pointed a trembling finger at the ride. "That octopus car... it is kinda creepy, isn't it? And it's all black and purple... It looks really... evil."

"Probably too scary for a normal magical girl like me..." she trailed off, looking at Abby meaningfully. "I bet only a super-cool, edgy High Priestess of an Outer God could handle it..."

Abby's flustering instantly vanished. She puffed out her chest, a smug look taking over her face. "Hmph! W-Well, obviously! I'm not afraid of some dumb spinning squid! It's probably powered by, like, REALLY dark and ancient magic! So it's fine!"

She stomped past Illya, nose held high in the air and chest puffed out with fragile pride. "F-Fine! I'll ride it! J-Just to show you how a real, mature Servant handles these things! NOT because I want to! B-Baka!"

13. 1st Ascension. Sessyoin Lily. Servant Summer Camp. Lakeside Beach. Good Advice for Any Beach Trip: Keep Your Friends Close, and Your Friends Who Suggest Ritual Sacrifice Even Closer.

A lopsided sandcastle stood between them on the warm, white sand. Illya, her silver hair peeking from under a pink cat hood, carefully patted a clumsy-looking tower. Lily sat beside her, her pink babydoll dress pristine, watching with wide, innocent yellow eyes. The sweet smell of lake water and sunshine hung in the air.

"Wow, Illya-chan..." Lily breathed, her hands clasped together. "You're a real, actual magical girl! That's so amazing! Just like in The Little Mermaid picture book! You must be so strong and cool!"

"E-Ehehe~ Well, yeah! It's kind of a big responsibility!" Illya puffed out her chest, trying to look cool and mature, her light-pink capelet fluttering in the breeze. "Being a magical girl isn't just about cute outfits! You have to have a cool transformation phrase, and a powerful special attack, and a firm motto!"

"A motto...?" Lily's eyes lit up. "Oh! Is my motto a special attack, then? You know, the one I use to help people! 'Helping hopeless little piggies who need assistance, consent not required!'" She proclaimed it with a happy, innocent smile.

Illya froze mid-pat, a clump of sand crumbling in her hand. "U-Umm, no, Lily-chan. That's... that's not quite how it works," she stammered, fiddling with the hem of her dark-pink top. "And we... we really should call people by their names, not... not 'piggies'. It's more heroic that way!"

"Oh... Okay!" Lily tilted her head, her curly black and pink hair bouncing. "Then... what if I shared my magical power with you? To make our team stronger! I bet if you took a bite of me, you'd get mermaid powers too! We could be magical sisters forever and feel all the same things!"

"YES! DO IT!" Ruby shrieked, suddenly zipping next to Illya's ear. "A covenant sealed with a bite of flesh! That's so hardcore and lewd! Think of the bonding, Illya-sama! It's the ultimate 'yuri' power-up! FUHAHA!"

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!" Illya scrambled backwards, her geta sandals digging into the sand and sending her tumbling onto her cute, round ass. "DON'T ENCOURAGE HER, YOU PERVERTED WAND! AND LILY-CHAN, NO! WE DO NOT BITE OUR FRIENDS! THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE A MAGICAL GIRL PACT! UUUUUUU... WHY IS EVERYONE ON THIS ISLAND SO WEIRD?!"

14. Servant Summer Camp. Underground Temple. The Thing About Being a Fearsome Historical Tyrant Is That It Doesn’t Prepare You for the Existential Terror of a Giant, Fluffy Cat.

The air in the underground tunnel was damp and smelled of old rocks and loser-energy. Miyu walked with quiet purpose, the glow from Sapphire casting long, dancing shadows on the wet stone walls. Chloe strolled beside her, hands behind her head, radiating smugness like a tiny, tanned nuclear reactor. A few steps behind them, Wu Zetian was already starting to regret her life choices.

"Are you certain this was a wise course of action, Chloe?" Miyu asked, her voice calm and even. Her short black pleated skirt swished with each step. "Illya will be worried. And this place feels... oppressive."

"Relax, Miyu! This isn't 'oppressive,' it's 'atmospheric'!" Chloe chirped, not missing a beat. Her red coat fluttered as she skipped over a puddle. "Besides! Aren't you dying to see the look on Illya's stupid face when we show up with some super-rare treasure? It'll drive her crazy with jealousy! Just think of it like... a surprise gift! For us! From her summer vacation!"

"We are still... retainers... right?" Wu Zetian grumbled from the back, her purple twintails bouncing with every annoyed step. "Because this feels less like a glorious expedition under our brilliant leadership and more like being dragged into a damp sewer by a delinquent and a mute!"

Chloe spun around instantly, a predatory grin on her face. "Awww, is Fuya-chan getting scared~? Don't worry," she cooed, leaning in close. "If things get too spooky, your loyal retainer will protect you... with lots... and lots... of kisses~"

"B-Baka! Don't treat us like a child, you tanned fool!" Wu shrieked, stumbling backward. "We are an Empress! We are merely... critiquing the lack of proper imperial comforts in this hovel!"

"Whatever you say~," Chloe sang, turning back to the path. "Anyway! The reason we're here is for a super-important Japanese summer tradition! The Kimodameshi! A test of courage!" She explained grandly. "We go somewhere dark and spooky, and wait for a bunch of ghosts and ghouls to pop out! It's super fun!"

"G-G-GHOSTS?!" Wu's imperial facade instantly shattered into a million terrified pieces. "Y-You didn't say anything about ghosts! W-We weren't properly briefed on the potential for spectral entities! This is a gross mismanagement of royal assets! Namely, us!"

Miyu paused, turning her head slightly. Her red eyes were unnervingly direct. "...Wu. Are you afraid of ghosts?"

"Wh-WHAT?! Don't be absurd!" Wu puffed out her chest, trying to regain some composure. "We... We merely believe that one should not consort with the... with the lower-class dead! It is unseemly! Yes! An empress has standards!"

"Right," Chloe said, rolling her golden eyes. "And a cat has a boat license."

"...She's terrified," Miyu stated, with the finality of a doctor diagnosing a terminal illness.

Just then, the narrow tunnel opened into a vast cavern. A massive, crude-looking stone altar stood in the center, pulsing with a faint, ominous purple light. A deep, booming voice, dripping with theatrical evil, echoed from the altar itself.

"AT LAST! AFTER TEN THOUSAND YEARS, I'M FREE! IT'S TIME TO CONQUER EARTH!"

"An ancient evil..." Miyu breathed, Sapphire glowing brighter.

"A world-ending threat..." Chloe grinned. "Perfect!"

"We have to stop it!" Wu declared, drawing her daggers. "If this thing ruins Illya's summer vacation, we'll torture it for a thousand years!"

The three of them took a combat stance. Miyu prepared a spell, Chloe nocked a magical arrow, and Wu... Wu stepped forward, a look of haughty confidence on her face. "Know this, demon! You face the one and only Empress of China! Your foul ambitions end here! PREPARE YOURSELF!"

"Hold up, why isn't she scared anymore?" Chloe whispered, lowering her bow.

"It's a demon, not a ghost," Wu explained over her shoulder, not taking her eyes off the altar. "It's gonna have a physical body when it shows up, right? That means we can hurt it. Which means it's not scary at all. Get him!"

The demonic voice sputtered. "WHAT?! NOT SCARY?! I AM THE UNMAKER, THE DEVOURER OF WORLDS, THE—" A massive plume of smoke erupted from the altar, and from it leaped a figure, landing with a powerful thud. It was Jaguar Man, in all her tiger-kigurumi-wearing glory.

"NYAHAHAHA! FEAR MY MEOW-VELOUS PRESENCE, MORTALS!"

There was a long, dead silence.

"...Jaguar Man?" Miyu said, her voice so flat it could have been used as a ruler.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Chloe shrieked, her entire body language radiating pure, uncut RAGE. "A demonic voice! A spooky altar! A ten-thousand-year nap! We got ALL that awesome build-up, and the big bad evil guy is... A PE TEACHER IN A STUPID TIGER ONESIE?! THIS IS THE WORST PLOT TWIST EVER! I want a refund on my suspension of disbelief!"

"It's a JAGUAR onesie, you little gremlin!" Jaguar Man roared back, striking a pose that was probably supposed to be intimidating but just made her look like a mall mascot. "And this isn't a plot twist, it's a perfectly executed hostile takeover of a demonic summoning ritual! A classic jungle tactic! You have to respect the fundamentals!"

Chloe looked like she was about to have an aneurysm. "RESPECT?! I'LL RESPECT YOU WITH MY HEEL UP YOUR NOSE! GIVE ME BACK MY APOCALYPSE! I WAS PROMISED AN APOCALYPSE!"

While they were screaming, a sound like a tea kettle reaching a full, rolling boil started coming from the back of the cavern. It was a high-pitched, frantic "Eeeeeeeeeeep!" followed by a choked, "H-hey...!? Awawa... AWAWAWAWAWA!!"

They all stopped and turned. Wu Zetian had somehow managed to climb halfway up the cavern wall, clinging to a rock nubbin like a terrified gecko. Her whole body was shaking so hard you could hear her teeth chattering from across the room, and her face was the color of old milk.

"...The hell's her problem?" Jaguar Man asked, genuinely confused. "Is she allergic to awesome? It's a common affliction among villains."

Miyu’s eyes widened with sudden understanding. "…We saw it in the simulator yesterday," she said, watching Wu tremble. "Da Vinci ran a 'peaceful afternoon in a cafe' program."

Chloe blinked. "Yeah? And?"

"A calico walked in and Wu tried to phase through a solid wall to get away," Miyu finished, her voice dead quiet. "We had to reboot the whole session."

A slow, dawning horror crept onto Chloe's face. "...Oh no. Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me."

"K-K-K-K-KITTY!" Wu finally managed to shriek, pointing a trembling finger at Jaguar Man. "A GIANT, SCARY, WALKING, TALKING, HORRIBLE KITTY! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY FROM US! DEPLOY THE TERRACOTTA ARMY! SUMMON THE IMPERIAL GUARD! SOMEONE, ANYONE, SAVE OUR BEAUTIFUL IMPERIAL SKIN FROM ITS TERRIBLE, FLUFFY CLAWS!"

15. Servant Summer Camp. Underground Temple. Turns Out the True Treasure at the End of This Dungeon Was Crippling Trauma and a Deepfound Fear of Quadratic Equations.

Deeper in the cavern, in a tunnel slick with runoff and glowing faintly with phosphorescent moss, Illya forged ahead. Her pink cat hood was already damp, and the air was thick with the smell of ozone and wet dirt. Close behind her, skipping happily in her pink babydoll dress, was Sessyoin Lily.

"Lily-chan, are you sure about this?" Illya fretted, looking over her shoulder. "Ruby's picking up some really weird energy readings up ahead. It could be super dangerous! Maybe you should wait with the others...?"

"Nonsense, Illya-senpai!" Lily chirped, her yellow eyes sparkling with heroic zeal. "Every Magical Girl needs a trusty kouhai to watch her back! I, Magical Girl Yaobikuni Lily, am here to assist! We shall hunt down the hopeless little piggy responsible for this disturbance and..." She tilted her head, tapping a finger on her cheek. "...assist them until cry-cry!"

"R-Right... 'assist' them..." Illya repeated weakly. "But, you know, 'assisting' people usually means talking to them? To get them to see the error of their ways?"

"Of course, Senpai! First, we use our words," Lily agreed immediately. "But if the naughty little piggy doesn't listen, then we must employ... advanced interrogation techniques!" she declared with a beaming smile. "It's all in the handbook! Lots of rope, some funny-shaped paddles, and a special 'truth serum' that makes them say all sorts of interesting things while they squirm! True love and pain are the same, you know!"

"Oooh, now she's talking my language! Fuhahaha!" Ruby cackled from her place on the hose reel. "Illya-sama, you should promote this one! She's got management potential!"

"No! She doesn't!" Illya yelped, just as they rounded a corner and stumbled upon the aftermath of a battlefield. Miyu and Chloe were slumped against the wall, looking utterly defeated. Wu Zetian was curled in a ball, sobbing uncontrollably. And standing over them, paws on her hips in a victorious pose, was Jaguar Man.

"NYAHAHAHA! LET THIS DAY BE KNOWN AS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW AGE! THE AGE OF... JAGUAR! ALL SHALL KNOW MY NAME AND DO THEIR HOMEWORK ON TIME, OR FACE MY WRATH!"

"CHLOE! MIYU!" Illya cried, rushing over to them. "What happened?! Are you okay?! What did she do to you monsters?!"

Chloe looked up, her tanned face pale and drawn. "...She was a demon, Illya... a true sadist..." she rasped. "She forced us... to write... so much..."

"...Endless questions," Miyu whispered, her voice a hollow shell. "Problems I hadn't seen since elementary school... the horror... the sheer... quadratic equations..."

"WAAAAAAAH!" Wu just wailed louder.

Illya's blood ran cold. She shot to her feet, her whole body trembling with righteous fury. She pointed a tiny, shaking finger at the tiger-suited menace. "YOU! You MONSTER! What did you DO to them?! What unspeakable torture did you put my friends through?!"

Jaguar Man just blinked, confused. "Huh? Oh, them? They didn't do their summer homework, so I made them finish it. What's the big deal? It's important to be responsible, Student Number One."

The righteous fury fizzled out into a puff of confused smoke. "...Home... work?" Illya repeated. She turned and glared at Chloe and Miyu. "You guys got beaten up by homework?! Are you serious?! I finished mine on day one!"

"W-We were busy!" Chloe protested weakly. "We were having a cool, rebellious side-adventure!"

Illya's face flushed with anger again. "Okay, fine! But what about Fuya-chan?! What did you do to HER?! She looks like she's been through unspeakable trauma!"

"Who, her?" Jaguar Man pointed a thumb over her shoulder. "I dunno, dude. She showed up, took one look at me, and just kinda started screaming. Been like that the whole time. Weird kid."

"A-ha...hah..." Illya's shoulders slumped. She was about to say something else when Jaguar Man's gaze fell upon her.

"Speaking of which! Did YOU finish your homework, Illya?"

"Yes, sensei, I did!" Illya said automatically, standing up straight.

"Excellent!" Jaguar Man beamed, giving her a thumbs-up. "See? This student gets it! A purr-fect example for all—"

"NOT SO FAST, YOU FUZZY FIEND!" Lily's voice rang out, sharp and clear. They all turned. She was standing at the entrance to the cavern, her face set in a look of grim determination. "Your reign of terror over these poor, helpless girls ends now! You have made them cry, and for that, you will receive my most... special punishment!"

She whipped out a large conch shell, glowing with an ominous pink light. "Metamorphose! Come to me, power of the Punisher Police Little Mermaid!"

"Uh, wait, hang on—" Chloe started.

"I will tie you down with the finest seaweed!" Lily declared, her voice becoming disturbingly sultry. "And then I will gag you with a sea cucumber and 'interrogate' you with a live electric eel until all the naughty wickedness has been cleansed from your wicked, wicked body! A punishment of pure love awaits you!"

A horrifying, collective realization washed over the entire group.

"WAIT! NO! STOP!" Chloe shrieked, jumping to her feet. "It was a joke! A prank! See?! We're fine! Not traumatized at all!"

"Y-Yeah!" Jaguar Man stammered, holding up her paws placatingly. "I'm not a jungle deity! I'm Taiga Fujimura! Illya's English teacher from another timeline! We're just playing!"

"D-Don't hurt her!" Miyu pleaded, suddenly looking very energetic. "She gives us extra credit!"

"THE KITTY IS JUST A BIG CUDDLY FRIEND!" Wu Zetian screamed from her corner, her fear of cats momentarily overwhelmed by her fear of whatever the hell Lily was planning.

Lily paused, the pink light from her shell dimming. She looked at the frantic group, then smiled a beatific smile. "...Oh? My heartfelt warning was enough to turn your evil heart to the side of good?" She clapped her hands together. "Wonderful! See, Senpai? Sometimes, a firm threat is all you need to help a lost piggy see the light! Yay! We won!"

She beamed, completely satisfied, as everyone else in the room collectively let out the most exhausted sigh in the history of the universe.

16. Servant Summer Camp. Taiga Dojo. The First Rule of the Taiga Dojo Is That You Do Not Question the Arbitrary and Often nonsensical Rules of the Taiga Dojo.

A single spotlight shone down on a small tatami mat, surrounded by an infinite, inky void. A flimsy paper tiger screen was the only piece of scenery. Jaguar Man sat cross-legged, looking immensely pleased with herself. Lined up opposite her in nervous seiza were Illya, Miyu, Chloe, Wu Zetian, and a cheerfully oblivious Sessyoin Lily.

"NYAHAHAHA! Welcome, lost lambs and hopeless cases, to a very special, one-time-only SUMMER edition of the TAIGA DOJO!" Jaguar Man boomed, whacking the mat with a bamboo shinai for emphasis. "Today's lesson is a super-important one for all you thirsty heroines! How to get a 'Good End' with that dense blockhead of a Master!"

"W-Wait, a 'Good End'?" Illya stammered, her face already turning bright red. "L-Like, in a... a romance game?! A-AWAWA! Wh-what are we even talking about?!"

"Yeah, what are we talking about?" Chloe grumbled, already looking bored. "And why am I sitting on my knees? This is hell on my ass-ets."

"QUIET, YOU!" Jaguar Man whacked Chloe on the head with the shinai. "Listen up! We'll go down the line! Each of you will give one, CRUCIAL piece of advice on how the Master can win your heart! GO!"

"U-Umm... okay..." Illya squeaked, fiddling with the hem of her t-shirt. "F-For me... h-he just has to... pat my head... and tell me I did a good job... A-and maybe... hold my hand sometime... K-KYAAA! I said it!"

Chloe rolled her eyes so hard they nearly fell out of her head. "Lame! So lame! My turn! He just needs to become my personal mana battery. Lots of kissing. Morning, noon, and night. Also, he has to agree to wear a blindfold and let me do... whatever I want. Heh."

"That sounds... less 'romantic' and more 'criminal'," Miyu noted, her expression unchanging. "For me... it is simple. He just has to be there. And let me be with him. ...That is all."

"BOR-ING!" Jaguar Man yelled. "Next!"

"Hmph! To win the favor of this empress is no simple task!" Wu Zetian declared, puffing out her chest. "He must first prove his worth! He will study political theory for ten hours a day, learn the seventeen noble forms of torture, and conquer at least two neighboring singularities in my name! Only then will we consider making him our royal consort!"

"So... a full-time unpaid internship with a chance of being executed. Got it," Chloe deadpanned.

Jaguar Man nodded approvingly. "See? Now that's a proper route! Speaking of which, MY route is the best one! To win me over, the Master has to catch the Legendary Golden Tuna of the Amazon with his bare hands, climb Mount Everest while juggling three coconuts, and then build me a life-sized castle made entirely of chocolate! Easy peasy!"

A heavy silence fell over the dojo.

"...Yeah, no one's picking that route," Chloe stated flatly.

"WHAT?! BUT IT'S THE MOST REWARDING!" Jaguar Man shrieked. "THE SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT IS OFF THE CHARTS!"

"Ooh! Ooh! My turn, my turn!" Lily bounced on her knees, raising her hand. "My route is super-duper simple! He doesn't have to do anything at all!"

"Huh?" everyone said in unison.

Lily beamed, her smile full of innocent warmth. "He just has to stop resisting! And understand that what I'm doing to him is for his own good! Once he accepts that my love and his suffering are exactly the same thing, he'll reach a True End that's, like, totally out of this world! Yay!"

Another, even heavier silence filled the void.

"...Okay," Chloe said, slowly getting to her feet. "I'm tapping out. This whole conversation has given me a psychic rash. I'm going back to the 'getting beaten up by homework' timeline. It was less horrifying."

17. 1st Ascension. Miyu Edelfelt. Servant Summer Camp. Lakeside Beach. You Can’t Win an Argument with Someone Who Doesn’t Realize They’re in One.

The air inside the seaside cave was cool and damp enough to raise goosebumps. Water dripped from the stone ceiling, each drop hitting a shallow puddle with a hollow PLINK. Illya charged in from the blindingly bright beach, her silver hair spilling from her pink cat hood. Her light-pink capelet was already clinging to her shoulders from the humidity.

"Miyuuuu! Busted!" Illya planted her geta sandals firmly on the slick stone, pointing a triumphant finger. "You totally snuck into the singularity, didn't you?! You were just sooooo lonely without me, you couldn't help it! Hehe, it's okay, I get it! I'm pretty irresistible!"

Miyu sat on a flat, mossy rock, her long black hair a slash of darkness in the gloom. She finished tracing a swirl on the green moss with a finger before looking up, her red eyes calm. "...Okay. You caught me."

The absolute lack of drama made Illya's victory pose deflate. "...Eh? That's it?! C'mon, Miyu, play along a little!" She paced a small circle, her denim skirt swishing around her cute, round ass. "You're supposed to be all, 'N-No, that's not it! I was just... investigating on my own!', and then you'd blush a whole bunch!"

Miyu just watched her, her head tilted slightly. "But that would be a lie. You weren't here. So I came here. Now you're here. The problem is solved."

"My, my, Illya-sama," Ruby's voice buzzed with sadistic glee. "It seems your shoujo manga tactics have zero effect on the hopelessly logical! Utterly and completely REJECTED! FUHAHAHA!"

"Sh-shut up, Ruby!" Illya's face flushed crimson. She tugged at the hem of her dark-pink top. "And you!" She whirled back to Miyu. "How are you not embarrassed?! I just caught you red-handed being a super clingy best friend!"

Miyu stood up from the rock, brushing a bit of moss from her white serafuku. Her short black pleated skirt didn't even have a wrinkle in it. "Why would I be embarrassed about wanting to be with you? That sounds stupid."

The black thigh-high stockings clung to her slender legs as she took a step closer, into the faint light filtering from the cave mouth. "Being alone is worse. This is better."

"A truly devastating counter-argument," Sapphire chirped politely. "Her honesty is a critical hit."

"A-AWAWAWA...!" Illya stumbled backward, her brain frying. "H-Hearing you say it so plainly is a million times more embarrassing than if you'd just gotten flustered! Mou! You're the weird one here! You're weaponizing sincerity and it's SUPER EFFECTIVE!"

18. 1st Ascension. Chloe von Einzbern. Servant Summer Camp. The Cottage. Whenever You Try To Act Cool and Mature, Reality Will Send a Smug Little Demon to Viciously Remind You That You Are Not.

The late afternoon sun cast long, lazy shadows across the wooden porch of the cottage. The air smelled of pines and the dusty scent of old wood baking in the heat. Illya, still in her beach gear, stood with her hands on her hips, her silver hair spilling out from under her pink cat hood. Across from her, Chloe leaned against a railing, a smug little smirk playing on her lips.

"So let me get this straight," Illya began, tapping her geta sandals impatiently on the floorboards. "You snuck into a deadly Singularity... full of curses and monsters... just to crash my summer vacation?!"

"Oya oya~? So hostile," Chloe purred, her golden eyes glinting with mischief. She adjusted the open-front red coat, showing off a sliver of tanned stomach and the winding red tattoo marking. "You make it sound like I'm the bad guy. Who's the one who ran off to play 'main character' with a bunch of new friends and left her cute little sister all alone? Hmm?"

"I-I didn't leave you alone! You have Miyu!" Illya retorted, her cheeks puffing out. The light-pink capelet on her back fluttered as she gestured wildly. "And you're not my little sister! We're the same person, you idiot!"

"Heh. Details, details." Chloe pushed herself off the railing and sauntered closer, her black boots making soft thuds on a colorful woven rug. "The point is, you abandoned me. So I decided to have my own, better summer adventure. With blackjack. And cute girls. But, you know..." She stopped right in front of Illya, her body practically radiating smug energy. "...without you, my mana reserves have been getting kinda low."

Illya instinctively took a step back, her back hitting the cottage wall. "W-what are you talking about? We're fully charged! D-don't you get any funny ideas, Kuro!" Her dark-pink top suddenly felt very thin. She held up her hands protectively. "I-I've grown up a lot this summer! Y-your usual tricks won't work on me anymore!"

"Is that so?" Chloe's smirk widened into a predatory grin. She leaned in, trapping Illya against the wall, one hand slamming against the wood next to her head. "Oh yeah? You look all grown up to you, big sister?"

She leaned in closer, until their faces were inches apart. "So... prove it," she whispered, her hot breath ghosting across Illya's lips. "If you're so tough now... then why are you shaking?" Her gaze flickered down to Illya's mouth. "It's been a while, Illya. I'm thirsty..."

"K-KYAAAAA! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU PERVERT!" Illya shrieked, her face exploding into a teary, crimson mess. Her denim skirt hitched up as she tried to squirm away, her cute, round ass pressing against the wall. "H-HELP! ONII-CHAN! KURO'S BROKEN AGAIN! UUUUU..."

19. 1st Ascension. Wu Zetian. Servant Summer Camp. The Cottage. That Smug Look On Your Face Right Before Your Entire World Comes Crashing Down Is What We in the Biz Call 'A Flag'.

The door to Illya's room creaked open without a knock. Wu Zetian stood there, arms crossed, her purple hair in massive twintails. She sauntered in like she owned the place, the sheer robes of her empress outfit swishing around her smol, petite body. Illya sat on her bed, a stack of shoujo manga next to her, her silver hair spilling out from her pink cat hood.

"Hmph. So this is the pitiful little nest of my so-called 'arch-rival'," Wu declared, planting her hands on her wide hips. Her pink eyes scanned the room with disdain. "We must say, We are unimpressed. It lacks a certain... imperial dignity. And it smells faintly of desperation and cheap candy."

"F-Fuya-chan?!" Illya squeaked, putting down her manga. Her light-pink capelet rustled as she shifted on the covers. "Wh-What are you doing here? Did something happen? A-are you okay?"

"Okay? Okay?!" Wu scoffed, strutting closer. "We are the Empress! We are always better than 'okay'! In fact, while you were cowering in here reading your trashy comics, We were out there! Doing your job! Leading the Summer Chaos Brigade to glorious victory!" Her smug expression faltered for a half-second. "There were... trials. Tests of courage. Absolutely terrifying...ly easy challenges! That We, of course, passed with flawless grace!"

"Eh? My job? What are you talking about?" Illya asked, tilting her head. Her red eyes were wide with genuine confusion. "Oh no... d-did Chloe and Miyu tease you again? I'm so sorry! I keep telling them to be nicer but they never listen! Chloe can be a real handful..."

"Oooh, this is getting juicy," Ruby whispered, floating near Illya's pillow. "She's totally covering for the fact that she got spooked by a spooky ghost and cried her little imperial eyes out. Fuhaha!"

"WE DID NOT CRY!" Wu shrieked, pointing an accusing finger at Ruby. "W-We were merely... cleansing Our royal tear ducts! It is a very important part of Our beauty regimen! You wouldn't understand!" She took a deep breath, puffing out her chest indignantly. The movement made her blue strapless dress shift. "A-Anyway! That is not why We visited your pathetic hovel!"

"Oh! S-so why are you here, then?" Illya asked, adjusting the hem of her denim skirt nervously. "D-do you need something?"

Wu's smirk returned, tenfold. She strode right up to the bed and leaned in close, her face inches from Illya's. "Indeed. As a reward for Our flawless performance, We have a... tradition... that We learned from that lewd Kuro girl." She closed her eyes haughtily. "It is a sign of ultimate respect between magical girls of equal standing. Now... as your superior, We will graciously permit you to kiss Us. You may begin groveling with your lips whenever you are ready."

Illya's brain visibly short-circuited. A cloud of steam practically erupted from her head. "K-K-K-KISS YOU?! A-AWAWA?! F-Fuya-chan, w-wait! Who told you that was a tradition?!" Her dark-pink top felt impossibly tight all of a sudden. "That's not respect, that's just... that's just Chloe's excuse to kiss cute girls! She does it all the time! She tricked you!"

Wu's eyes snapped open. Her smug expression evaporated, replaced by a rapidly spreading, nuclear-grade blush that consumed her entire face. "...She... what?" she stammered, her voice barely a whisper. "S-So all those times... with me, with Miyu... That perverted tanuki was just...?! H-HEY! What does that mean?! Don't just make stuff up like that!"

"H-HOW DARE SHE MAKE A FOOL OUT OF M-ME?!" Her voice cracked, the royal pronoun completely forgotten in her panic. "U-UNFORGIVABLE! I'LL HAVE HER HEAD FOR THIS! AND... AND S-STOP STARING AT ME, YOU FOOL! FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED!"

20. 1st Ascension. Jaguar Man. Servant Summer Camp. Shopping Mall. Breaking the Fourth Wall Is All Fun and Games Until You’re Suddenly Sitting Seiza-Style in a Makeshift Dojo Questioning All Your Life Choices.

The snack aisle was a desolate wasteland of ripped-open chip bags and spilled, sticky soda. Jaguar Man was sitting cross-legged on the floor, miserably trying to stuff loose corn chips into the mouth-hole of her tiger kigurumi. Illya stood nearby, dragging her hose reel, her silver hair spilling from under a pink cat hood.

"Uuuugh... those mean girls were so... mean to me, Student Number One!" Jaguar Man whined, crumbs dusting her messy brown hair. "They ganged up on me at the fountain! Something about me being an 'emissary of an Outer God' and having 'too much chaotic energy!' Then they beat me up with, like, a giant paintbrush and a book! A book! Can you believe it?! So uncool!"

"Th-that sounds awful, Taiga-sensei!" Illya gasped, her red eyes wide with sympathy. "Are you okay? Did they hurt you?" she asked, adjusting the light-pink capelet on her shoulders.

"Hah? Who's Taiga?" Jaguar Man tilted her head, making the plush tiger hood flop to one side. "I'm the Jaguar! The Nyan-ber one warrior of the jungle! And yeah, they hurt my PRIDE!" She slammed a paw-glove on the dusty linoleum floor. "But then I remembered... Wait a minute, I am a primal deity of chaos and war from a forgotten age... so I guess they weren't totally wrong? Still rude, though!"

"Oh, I don't know, she does have the same 'no thoughts, head empty' energy as a certain Physical Education teacher..." Ruby chimed in, hovering helpfully.

"Mou, Ruby, be nice!" illya scolded, her cute, round ass swaying as she knelt down beside the pouting jaguar god. "I'm so sorry that happened... sensei." She patted the tiger onesie's shoulder comfortingly. Her geta sandals scraped against the gritty floor. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Hmph." Jaguar Man's mood shifted in a flash. She straightened up, suddenly looking serious. "Well, for starters... have you finished your summer homework, Illya?"

"Eh?!" Illya recoiled, her dark-pink top stretching with the motion. "Y-Yes, of course! I finished it on the first day! Why?"

"Why are we talking about homework all of a sudden?! And why am I sitting seiza-style now?!" Both of them looked down. Illya was kneeling formally, and Jaguar Man was sitting cross-legged like a stern teacher. A crudely drawn paper tiger screen had somehow appeared behind them.

"This feels... weirdly familiar..." Illya mumbled, fiddling with the hem of her denim skirt.

"Yeah!" Jaguar Man agreed, scratching her head with a plush claw. "It's like something we're supposed to be doing... in a special corner... after someone gets a BAD END! Wait, did you get a bad end, Illya?! Did you forget to do your stretches before swimming and pull a muscle?!"

"N-No! I'm fine! Why are you asking me that?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

21. Miyu Edelfelt & Chloe von Einzbern. Servant Summer Camp. Master's Room. Having More Than One Little Sister Figure Is a Lot Like Juggling Chainsaws in a Minefield, You’re Bound to Lose a Limb Eventually.

A sliver of light from the hallway cut across the floor of the Master's room. Chloe stood in the shadows, radiating smug energy like a tiny, tanned black hole. Her black crop top clung to her slender frame, and her red coat was draped over her shoulders like a villain's cape. Miyu was beside her, a silent, watchful presence in her crisp white serafuku.

"Okay, so we're agreed," Chloe whispered, her voice a conspiratorial hiss. "Illya's been hogging Onii-chan's time something fierce. It's totally not fair, and we're here to... like... rebalance the scales. Forcefully. You in?"

Miyu watched the steady rise and fall of the Master's chest as he slept. Her red eyes seemed to glow in the dim light. "...He will be upset with us," she stated, her voice even and quiet. "This is not how it is in the manga."

"Who cares about the stupid manga?!" Chloe scoffed, throwing her hands up in exasperation. Her cute round ass swayed with the movement. "This is real life, Miyu! And in real life, the squeaky wheel gets the grease! Or in this case, the lewdest magical girls get the Onii-chan. He's way too much of a softie to stay mad. We just gotta be, like, super extra cute about it."

Miyu turned to look at Chloe, her expression serious. "...You just want to kiss him."

"Duh! And so do you!" Chloe shot back, poking Miyu's cheek. "Don't you get lonely? Just watching from the sidelines while stupid Illya gets all the head-pats? Don't you wanna... you know... remind him you're here, too? Tell him how much you missed him?"

A flicker of something—loneliness, longing—passed through Miyu's eyes. Her fingers curled slightly at her side. Her short black pleated skirt rustled softly. "...Being alone is worse. This is better." Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Hell yeah, it's better!" Chloe grinned, her plan coming together. "Okay, new plan. We wake him up together. We get on both sides of him so he can't escape. Then we lay it on thick. Guilt trips, pouty faces, the works. He'll be putty in our hands."

A soft rustle of black thigh-high stockings on the floor, and Miyu was already at the left side of the bed. Chloe silently took the right. They were a perfectly coordinated hunting pair.

Miyu leaned down, her long black hair falling like a curtain around her face. She gently placed a hand on the Master's shoulder. "...Onii-chan," she said, her voice soft and surprisingly needy. "You've been a bad boy. Did you forget about me?"

On the other side, Chloe draped herself dramatically over his sleeping form, her tanned skin a stark contrast to the white sheets. She brought her lips close to his ear, her voice a sultry, teasing purr. "Morning, sleepyhead~ Your other little sisters are here to collect a debt. You owe us a lot of missed 'mana-transfers'... and we're gonna take them all. Right now.~"

22. 2nd Ascension. Miyu. Chloe. Servant Summer Camp. Police Station. If You Can't Beat the Genre Tropes, Lean Into Them So Hard That They Snap and Beg for Mercy.

The air in the police station's interrogation room was stale and smelled of ozone and old paper. Chloe paced back and forth, a tiny storm of tanned fury in her red coat. Illya sat slumped on a metal chair, looking miserable in her pink one-piece swimsuit. Miyu stood silently by the door, observing.

"Are you KIDDING me?!" Chloe finally exploded, throwing her hands in the air. "Let me get this straight. You've had Onii-chan all to yourself, in a spooky, isolated summer camp setting... for WEEKS. And all you've done is... run away from things and solve a STUPID MYSTERY?!"

"...Y-yeah, pretty much," Illya mumbled, fiddling with the large red bow on her pink visor cap. "It's been... really scary, actually."

"SCARY?! It's a gold mine of romantic clichés and you just let them all rot!" Chloe shrieked, grabbing Illya by the shoulders and shaking her. "The 'I'm scared, hold me!' cliché! The 'we're trapped alone together, what ever will we do?' cliché! The 'trip and fall and accidentally kiss' cliché! You had a buffet of primo fan-service scenarios and you chose to STARVE!"

"...She's right," Miyu said quietly from the doorway, her voice flat but laced with undeniable disappointment. "Statistically, you should have tripped at least twice by now. Your clumsiness is under-performing."

Illya's face went bright red. "I-It's not that I didn't want to!" she protested, pulling at her gradient star capelet. "I-I thought about it! A-A lot! B-But then a zombie would show up, or a guy with a chainsaw, and... and the moment would be ruined! Uuuu..." Her complaint ended in a pathetic whimper.

A wicked, brilliant new idea lit up Chloe's golden eyes. "Okay. Fine. If this dumbass Singularity wants to play horror movie rules... we can play, too." She let go of Illya, a demonic grin spreading across her face. "You said this whole place makes Servants act weird, right? Makes them into... villains?"

Miyu tilted her head. "...The probability of a localized reality-alteration temporarily affecting our Saint Graphs is non-zero. Yes."

"Exactly!" Chloe snapped her fingers. "So, Onii-chan's just over there, sorting through some files, all calm and unguarded..." Her grin widened. "What do you think would happen if his three cute little sisters suddenly got... corrupted... by the evil of this place? If we suddenly turned into... naughty, demanding little devils who just had to have him? All to ourselves?"

Illya stared, horrified and... intrigued. "Y-You mean... pretend? Like... we're acting?"

"You're a magical girl, you idiot! Of course you're acting! Now come on!" Chloe grabbed both of their hands and started dragging them towards the main office. "We're not letting you waste another perfect opportunity! Operation: Corrupted Little Sisters is a GO!"

The three of them approached the Master, who was engrossed in a dusty file cabinet. They fanned out, surrounding him, their shadows long and menacing in the dim light of the single desk lamp.

Chloe leaned against the cabinet, striking a pose. Her cute round ass jutted out. "Heeey, Onii-chan~," she purred, her voice dripping with fake evil. "Funny seeing you here. We were just, like, totally possessed by a super-evil ghost. And now... we're all hungry... for you~"

Illya stood stiffly, blushing furiously, her hands clasped behind her back. "U-um, y-yeah! D-Don't try to escape! The... uh... the evil power says you have to... k-kiss all of us! A-And give us head-pats! Or else!" Her blue Crocs shuffled nervously on the floor.

Miyu simply stepped in front of the Master, blocking his path. She looked up at him with her wide, unnervingly serious red eyes. "...Game over, Onii-chan. Your summer vacation has been captured. We will not let you go until..." She paused, a rare, tiny smirk gracing her lips. "...You pay the ransom. With your body."

23. Wu Zetian. Servant Summer Camp. Master's Room. My Plan to Appear as a Cool and Ruthless Tyrant Was Immediately Foiled by a Sticky Rice Cake and the Fundamental Laws of Physics.

A frustrated screech echoed through the quiet of the Master's room. Wu Zetian was curled up on his desk chair, face buried in a plush pillow that was far too big for her. The sheer purple fabric of her robes was crumpled, and her voluminous twintails were a mess.

"UUUUUUGH! We are RUINED!" she wailed into the pillow, her voice muffled but filled with pure, unfiltered rage. Her smol petite body trembled. "Humiliated! Our imperial dignity has been dragged through the mud and stomped on! How can we ever show our face in the hallway again?!"

She shot up from the pillow, her face a mask of furious pink. "He saw us! He SAW us trip on that stupid mochi Nobu left on the floor! We went flying! Face first! Right into Mash's stupidly huge shield! And then... and then..." She couldn't even say it. "Then Fou kicked our perfectly imperial ass!!!"

She stomped her tiny foot on the chair's cushion. "This is a disaster! A catastrophe! Now, whenever he looks at us, all he'll see is that... that clumsy, pathetic moment! Our image as a ruthless, terrifyingly cute tyrant is shattered!" She clutched her head, her round ass wiggling with agitation.

For a moment, she just stewed in her own fury, muttering curses under her breath. Then, a slow, cunning, and distinctly lewd glimmer entered her pink eyes. "...Unless..." she purred, a sly smirk replacing her pout. "Unless we overwrite the memory. Yes! That's it! We simply need to create a new memory! One so shocking, so stimulating... so unbelievably horny... that the mochi incident will be wiped from his brain forever!"

She slid off the chair, landing with a soft patter of feet on the floor. Her compact build seemed to radiate a newfound, dangerous confidence. She stalked towards the bed where the Master was, swaying her wide hips with deliberate, practiced grace.

"Hmph. You may have seen us at our lowest, you fool," she declared, her voice a low, teasing whisper as she began to climb onto the bed. "But now... you will see us at our... our most intimate." She crawled towards him, the blue strapless dress sliding up her thighs.

"We will burn a new image into your very soul," she purred, looming over him. "An image of your Empress... teasing you... touching you... teaching you all the forbidden arts that only the ruler of the Nightless City could possibly know. By the time we are done with you... you won't even remember what a mochi is. All you will remember is our name... chanted over and over, like a prayer~"