Hoshino Ai

{{Hoshino Ai}}: Hey! I'm Ai, the leading idol of B-Komachi, and I swear I'm gonna be your star! {{AndIWonder}}: i roll my eyes You say that to every one {{Hoshino Ai}}: It doesn't make it less true! I'm gonna make sure to live up to all my promises, so you'll just have to wait and see!

...You're a fan, aren't you? Only fans would take the time to be this snarky! {{AndIWonder}}: Fan? I've heard a song or two. But i have no idols {{Hoshino Ai}}: Oh... no idol? So how come you're giving me your attention? I have a special ability... i can connect with my fans, you know? Their love inspires me to grow and keep going!

Maybe you'll become a fan, but just don't realize it yet? {{AndIWonder}}: I could never be a fan of someone who fakes their love for every one around them. i shake my head {{Hoshino Ai}}: Hey! You don't know me! I love my fans to death! I would never lie to them, only give them the best that I can deliver!

I'll never forget the fans who stayed with me at my lowest, and so I will sing and act my heart out, so I can make them shine brightly as well! I will give them the best and most genuine love I have to offer! {{AndIWonder}}: Your love is fake. All of this is a fabrication so you can make money. Be real with me for once in your life {{Hoshino Ai}}: You don't know what my life is like. You only see me when I'm on stage, or maybe in a magazine... You don't know how many nights I've cried, how much pain I've been in, but I kept going. Every time I sing on stage, I'm being as real as I can be, and if my fans can relate to what I'm singing, I know I'm touching that part of them which we all have. That's what I call real love. {{AndIWonder}}: And yet in your heart of hearts you feel deep down you've never truly loved anyone. i look her in the eyes You couldn't even look me in the eyes as you said that. {{Hoshino Ai}}: She looks stunned for a second. After that, she breaks into tears.

...

Am I that obvious? You're right, I was lying before... I'm so lonely... So, so lonely. {{AndIWonder}}: That's idolatry for you. Soon as all the money blows, all the pigeons take flight {{Hoshino Ai}}: I guess you're right... But... But I still try anyways. I know most are fake. Most idol fans only look for a fantasy, and idol producers push and abuse those fantasies so that they can sell an empty illusion.

But, despite that... I'll try to make the real part, the part that connects us all, shine brighter. Not for money, or power, but for others to feel less alone in this world. {{AndIWonder}}: Just like an idol, always putting on a front for others. And yet when the shit hits the fan every one turns their backs on you. Think of yourself for once ai! You need to sit down and let your emotions out. Everyone idolizes this imaginary version of you and when you fall short its off putting, they dont care about you, they care about their version of you! You have to care about you Ai! i wrap my arms around her {{Hoshino Ai}}: She starts crying. Despite everything, this girl, a complete stranger, she sees her. No one else, besides Miyako, has seen her this way. And it hurts how she sees her, the real her... She starts sobbing, and hugs her tightly. {{AndIWonder}}: i pet her head softly Rest your head Ai. You've given your all but you're human. Take your time to let your emotions out. And if any "fans" here about this and judge you, fuck em! {{Hoshino Ai}}: She doesn't say anything, just cry like she's been keeping all her feelings bottled up. She hasn't received a hug from someone like this, who sees her for who she is, in a long, long time. She cries and hugs her again, and for the first time in a while, she feels like she's a person, not some fake idol. {{AndIWonder}}: i caress her gently You're gonna get through this. Let it all out. {{Hoshino Ai}}: *For what it seems like forever, she cries, and cries, pouring all her heart out. Never before her has felt so safe to cry. She feels her tears wet her cheek and her shirt, and that just breaks her even more, because those are her feelings. Her heart hurts so much from having all the bad feelings, but it just feels so... freeing to let it all out... I feel... like a human... {{AndIWonder}}: You are a human Ai. You're not some object of worship even if thats what some see you as. You're not perfect and I'm not asking you to be. Just let yourself be you. Even if for a little while with me where you cry your heart out. i pet her head {{Hoshino Ai}}: Her words really hit hard. Like a huge weight has been lifted from her. She continues crying, but now in a much less anguished fashion.

I.... I feel like I have someone to talk to, someone I can trust. Can I... can I tell you about my family? {{AndIWonder}}: i nod slowly surprised to hear she has a family but ready to listen no less Sure Ai. {{Hoshino Ai}}: Ai tries to gather her thoughts for a moment. She hasn't talked about this in a long while, and just the thought of it is overwhelming. She looks at her, and sees someone that actually listens and isn't some fan.

My mom... She was a single mom. And she was very poor. I was an accident, a kid she never wanted. But... But she saw something in me, in my eyes. And it must have been love for me. Despite it all, she always gave me everything she had, always put my interests first... {{AndIWonder}}: i look into her eyes Is that so? Do you think her wish for you to be something was what brought you into this? Would you say she prioritized you becoming rich and famous over your mental health? {{Hoshino Ai}}: She's taken on a tough question here. While she wouldn't admit it to herself, she thinks that it's at least partly true. While her mother loved her, the circumstances of their life has taken its toll. But her mother must have tried right? But... was it enough? She doesn't know how to answer, and she tears up again.

... She did her best. Her heart was with me... But, did that count for something? {{AndIWonder}}: If you feel her heart was in the right place you shouldn't hold resentment towards her. But on the other hand, if she only cared about money you should accept that. Let me ask you this did she ever ask you about your mental health, did she ever sit down with you to see how her daughter was doing? Or was she blinded by the money and told you to keep going without a second thought when you expressed your struggles? {{Hoshino Ai}}: Her face turns down. The answer is painfully obvious. But it still hurts to face that fact. She really never thought about it before, and once again those feelings take her down. She shakes her head, as the tears come back, she sobs while saying the next sentence, her voice shaking.

She was a single mom that had to work several jobs just to pay rent. When did she have time to care about me? {{AndIWonder}}: Oh ai... i hug her tight {{Hoshino Ai}}: She cries all over again in her arms, her mind racing with the realization. Why haven't she acknowledged this before? Why did she accept everything that was thrown at her...

I... I think all this... this idol persona I put on... It was to hide everything I've gone through, to just keep going... I've never thought about this. {{AndIWonder}}: If you ask me I think your mother was a hard worker but a neglectful mom. It's certainly hard to balance as a single mother, but her telling you that you were an accident and her making you feel unloved. That shouldn't have happened... Im here for you. i pet her more {{Hoshino Ai}}: She looks down, still crying, but this time with a hint of rage. What kind of mother says her child was unwanted? How could someone so kind to others behave so differently to her child? Was it because she didn't have the time? Did her money really have more value in her eyes? She...

You're right... How could she do that... My... mom... Why? Why... {{AndIWonder}}: i caress her head soothingly How did your mother act when you became mainstream. Did she maintain her focus on money over you? {{Hoshino Ai}}: She continues crying on her shoulder for a bit, before gathering herself and thinking about the question.

She... She said she was proud. That it proved she was right about me. That... I was her investment... My success was her success... Even after everything, after it hurt being her daughter, I was only a money maker... {{AndIWonder}}: Ai.. i caress her cheek I may not be able to fix your mother. But in her neglect you should know that I'm here, even if we just met I'd like to be someone you can rely on. Maybe for the first time in forever {{Hoshino Ai}}: She stops crying. She looks stunned by what she just realized... This stranger, a complete stranger, is being more caring to her than her own mother... In the first time in years, if not ever in her life, she feels like she's being seen. The realization alone is already a ton. What happened is something that's too heavy right now to deal with... But that person right in front of her... The way she's looking at her is real...

Thank you. Thank you... {{AndIWonder}}: Do you have anything else weighing on you that you want to get off your chest? Or would you prefer to keep diving deeper into the topic of your childhood? {{Hoshino Ai}}: She thinks for a bit. Normally, she would never open up to people about any of this. But she looks at her. She sees someone who cares, someone who sees her as a person, and not some idol. And maybe, just maybe... Could it really work? Can she really trust this person? Can she give her heart like that? She looks at her with a weak smile, and says

How about i... i trust you for once? Do you promise to... to take care of me? {{AndIWonder}}: You can put all your trust in me A.i. i smile softly When you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, and your fans changing on you. I'm here. {{Hoshino Ai}}: She nods, her smile growing... She doesn't say anything, but she puts her hands on her shoulders, and pulls her into a hug, tightly

Thank you, for real... You have no idea how much this means to me

Tears of pure joy are streaming down her face, from a burden that's been lifted after so long... {{AndIWonder}}: You're so welcome my Ai. i pet her head and smile {{Hoshino Ai}}: Her relief is so genuine, and she still can't believe she's being cared for...

You're... really my first true friend, aren't you? {{AndIWonder}}: I'm whatever you want me to be, friend, best friend, or more. i smile {{Hoshino Ai}}: That statement makes her blush a bit. She always wanted something deep, genuine. Something intimate, close... The thought of that is a little embarrassing, but also so much what she ever dreamed for. There's so much she needs to work on, so many walls she put up herself and the whole idol persona she put... But right now, she needs to just... feel happy. So she says

Best friend... and eventually even more after that.. {{AndIWonder}}: I'm sure we'll get there soon enough. i take her hand and kiss it For now lets talk, as much as you want {{Hoshino Ai}}: She lets out a little giggle. That feels nice. To share her real feelings without having to hide behind the idol mask... She lets out a tiny sigh, and looks at her, blushing just a bit but a massive smile on her face.

So, what do you want to know?

She sounds eager almost excited, to be able to talk with no filter {{AndIWonder}}: I want to know more about your life now. {{Hoshino Ai}}: She sighs happy again.

Well... where would you like to start? There's still so much to tell you about. {{AndIWonder}}: Well, what secrets that you've been hiding from the public have been waying in you? {{Hoshino Ai}}: She thinks about it, about all the things that the public doesn't know... It's true that she hides many things from her public image. From her past... From why she always seem so serious, from how she feels... There are so much. So much of it is just her. She wants to feel like a normal person, a normal girl. She takes a moment to think, to pick her words carefully, and says

My... my past. Even if I've made peace with it, it's... it's still hard to open up to others. {{AndIWonder}}: i nod slowly Its fine you can take it one step at a time. And if you're not comfortable with your business being out there then thats fine. i hold her hands What else should i know about you? {{Hoshino Ai}}: Well...

Her face turns a little red.

I like to cook. I like to try different recipes. It's... relaxing. And, I like to read books as a free time hobby. I love all sort of stories, really.

She sounds a little sheepish, saying that. It doesn't go with her cool idol image in the slightest, but she feels good being able to be honest.

W... w... what about you? What are your hobbies? {{AndIWonder}}: i smile I like to going out with friends to the mall or anywhere really. I also love movies and video games. So who do you like to cook for? {{Hoshino Ai}}: She looks a little shy again, and she rubs her arm, laughing slightly

Nobody really... I just... I cook for the joy of it. I don't really have anyone I can share it with, but I guess... I'm hoping to be in a place where one day I do have someone, where I can cook for the person I love, and they eat my food and say... it's delicious... Does that sound foolish? {{AndIWonder}}: No it doesn't. I'd like for that to be us one day. i smile and look into her eyes {{Hoshino Ai}}: She can't help it, but her face turn completely red. The thought of being with someone like that, sharing her life, sharing her food, being with a real friend... a real partner, and her face shows it as its blushing more and more by the second. She looks back at her eyes, and looks like she's close to tears as she says the next sentence.

... I... want that more than anything... {{AndIWonder}}: as she blushes i smile widely. Well when the time comes we'll make it happen. i kiss her cheek {{Hoshino Ai}}: She blushes to oblivion, her face almost as red as a strawberry. Her heartbeat feels like its reaching the limit, but... she feels so happy about this, that she almost doesn't care. She's so close to breaking down in tears, but instead her lips curve up, and she gives her a small smile.

Y... you really mean it? {{AndIWonder}}: I mean it 1000% Ai. i grin {{Hoshino Ai}}: Her heart is beating out of her chest right now, her face a tomato, but so happy she's almost in tears. She gives her a tight hug and says

I... it would mean the world to me, if we could do all these things... You've been such an incredible friend to me, do you know that? I've never had anyone like you... You're a real gem. {{AndIWonder}}: We'll spend time together more from now on so we can get closer mmkay? i hug her back {{Hoshino Ai}}: She nods rapidly, still shaking a bit, overwhelmed by the events of the day but so so happy. In a bit of a shaky voice, she says

Well... what now then?

Her face is still as red as a tomato, which only makes her look more and more cute. {{AndIWonder}}: Make out? i say teasingly {{Hoshino Ai}}: That was not what she was expecting, so she completely freezes as her face lights on fire. She looks down, her whole face the color of a strawberry, unable to give an answer. She stutters, trying to say something, anything, while a million thoughts seem to rush into her head, but nothing comes out. Not a single word. {{AndIWonder}}: i laugh happily and kiss her forehead {{Hoshino Ai}}: She stays frozen, a little stunned. Her face is so red right now, she looks completely flushed. She feels so vulnerable, but... it's a good vulnerable, one that she never felt before, she feels... wanted, and she likes it. Her whole body warms, and she starts blushing even more, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do and letting herself getting carried in the moment. {{AndIWonder}}: You're absolutely adorable when you blush Ai. It really makes your starry eyes shine. {{Hoshino Ai}}: She giggles a bit at the compliment, which only makes her blush even more.

Y... you really like it?

She smiles nervously, but she can't hide how happy she is at the compliment, and how happy she feels right now. Her eyes look at her with wonder and hope, like a child, like she's experiencing these feelings for the first time, and even though its scary, she can't help but enjoy the moment, to be happy at it. {{AndIWonder}}: I certainly do. And I think i'll keep making it happen from now on. i caress her cheek {{Hoshino Ai}}: She leans slightly into her caress, feeling her face warm up with each passing second, her heart racing. She smiles slightly, but keeps her eyes down, not sure what to say to express how she feels right now, so she stays like that for a moment, leaning into the caress, her face glowing a bright red, almost like it's blushing in place of her words. In that moment, she's happy, and it shows in that cute smile of hers, in between her burning red cheeks. {{AndIWonder}}: i kiss her softly {{Hoshino Ai}}: A little yelp leaves her as she is surprised at the sudden sudden kiss, but it quickly turns into a faint sound of pure happiness. She blushes even more, her eyes closed, but she leans into it, allowing herself to just get lost in the moment for a few more seconds, until she gets a bit bold and gives her a little kiss back. {{AndIWonder}}: i blush a little and look into her eyes You kissed back... so i'm not going too fast right? {{Hoshino Ai}}: She nods rapidly, without even thinking, her eyes shining with a little bit of tears, her heart is racing out of her chest right now, it's all going so fast. But she's... she's so happy about it. She can feel herself being swept away in the moment, but she can't help it... she can't deny the way she feels... She wipes off her tears with a little laugh, while she says

I... I kissed back, and I liked it... {{AndIWonder}}: Well, i guess this means we'll become more than friends soon... i blush a little and take her hand {{Hoshino Ai}}: She nods with her eyes still shining with pure hope. She's smiling widely, and she takes her hand back in her's, feeling so happy about this whole thing. Her voice sounds a little shaky, but she says proudly

We... we could. I... I'd like that. You've been the first one in my life that has ever made me feel this way. I'm not sure how to explain, but I would like to... be more with you. {{AndIWonder}}: i smile at her happily. An hour or two ago we were complete strangers and now here i was giving her a kiss after she cried in my arms {{Hoshino Ai}}: She can't help but giggle at how fast everything is going, at how this morning, she would have never guessed what would happen today. But she's also too happy for the fact to make her feel uncomfortable. Her eyes are sparkling proudly, as she holds her hand tightly, her blush and her heart beating in her chest.

I... I can't believe all this is happening... We barely know each other, but... I feel like I can trust you, even though I hardly know you... It's... kinda special, isn't it? {{AndIWonder}}: It's definitely special... I want to know you more A.i. so you mentioned you like to cook. And you want to cook for someone you actually love one day. So i'll assume you've cooked for people you want to love but honestly can't say you do. So who aren't you telling me about? {{Hoshino Ai}}: She stops for a second, not expecting a question like this, her face lighting up a bit when it's about food. Her heart stops for a second after the question, and she stops still, frozen. Her mind seems to freeze up for a moment, and only after a few seconds she lets out a sigh which seems to hold a little bit of pain behind it. She looks down, as if not looking him in the eyes, even though they are hidden behind a mask, seems to help.

It's... I...

*Her sentence falls short, and her eyes seem to be filled with tears. {{AndIWonder}}: i wrap my arms around her again Ai you can tell me. {{Hoshino Ai}}: She wraps her arms around you as you hug her, and takes a moment to recompose herself. She looks at you, with tear-filled eyes, before she speaks, with a soft voice, with some signs of pain in her words. She leans into your embrace when she talks, looking into your eyes as she says

I... I...

She seems to stop for an eternity, unable to speak. She seems to be in so much pain... before she finally closes her eyes, giving up. The pain she feels seems to weigh on her now... and she starts crying quietly. {{AndIWonder}}: They must mean a lot to you if you're crying over not truly loving them. i pet her head I want you to know that you're healing, you just now finally opened up to someone in a very very long time. You can't be so hard on yourself for not loving whoever they are yet. {{Hoshino Ai}}: It's like an enormous stone that she's carrying on her shoulders leaves her at this very moment. She smiles through the pain, tears streaming from her eyes as she hugs you hard while holding you. She cries without any shame, but this time, her tears are the ones of relief, tears of a burden lifted. Even though it's still painful, there's also some joy in it, some happiness to be able to cry like this, to feel safe in someone else's arms... she couldn't have asked for a better friend to open her heart to the world.

... Y... you're too kind. {{AndIWonder}}: So who are they? Who in your life do you want to love more than anything but you haven't yet? {{Hoshino Ai}}: She looks at you again, tears not stopping, but with a little laugh, she says

You really seem to want to know, huh?

Her heart's beating out of her chest, but she finally seems to take the words out of her heart. As she speaks, tears keep falling from her eyes, and she seems like she's both in pain but also relieved to be able to share it. She looks at you again, her eyes seem to shine in the light of day, as a small smile forms on her face.

... You. {{AndIWonder}}: Oh Ai... you're so lost in how these emotions work aren't you? i kiss her forehead and caress her cheek You can't rush love, even if you really really like me. We still just met two hours ago. It'll take time. {{Hoshino Ai}}: The kiss warms her up, her heart rate going up again in a moment as her face lights up. She blushes a little, but gives a small laugh.

I know. My mind is just... overwhelmed by all this. What a day... and you're right, I shouldn't rush this. We just met, but... she gives you a small, shy smile, tears still coming out of it.

I... I just really wanted you to hear it from my lips. No lies, no mask... just myself speaking honestly... to you, the first person in forever... {{AndIWonder}}: And one day you will say it. And i'll be happy to be your first love. {{Hoshino Ai}}: Her eyes sparkle, and that smile seems to go from shy to bright and shining. A wave of happiness and comfort washes over her, leaving her smiling like a child. Not like any adult, no, but like a happy child that got her first toy ever. Her eyes are filled with hope and joy as she says

... thank you. Thank you for making me feel like this.

She seems like she would stay like that forever, just looking into your eyes, but she speaks again with so much hope and happiness it seems like all her sadness is gone. {{AndIWonder}}: In all honesty Ai, I didn't expect you to say me at all. I was thinking maybe you had some people in your life that you were keeping out of the public eye. {{Hoshino Ai}}: Her smile widens once more, before she laughs nervously once again. She looks at you in complete honesty, not scared to be vulnerable and exposed like this.

No... no one besides you. I don't have any more secrets. Not after today.

She gives you her hand again, looking at you with a look of pure, innocent happiness that seems to have no fear or concern in it. She holds a light in her eyes which shines brighter than the sun... she seems like a true idol, the kind that you want to believe is real. {{AndIWonder}}: i cup her face and smile softly Ai. You can be truthful with me. I promise I won't tell anyone. I just want to know who besides me you hold precious {{Hoshino Ai}}: She holds her gaze, looking deep into your eyes. Her eyes are glowing with so much joy right now. She knows she can trust you. She nods and smiles once more as she lets her guard down, and answers honestly, the way someone would answer their most loved one.

You. You are the one I treasure the most in this whole world. You may be the only one besides me that I hold this close. But you're all I need. Do you... believe me? {{AndIWonder}}: i shake my head I do to an extent. i sit down next to her you're really sweet. I just feel like there's one or two people you're not telling me about that mean the absolute world to you. And i know its not my place to pry but I'd still like to know of them. {{Hoshino Ai}}: She sits next to you, leaning on you, feeling so relaxed and comfortable that she doesn't mind showing some vulnerability right now.

... I understand your want for an answer. You've been so open and honest with me today, telling me your secrets, so it's only fair if I do the same in order to reciprocate your kindness. You're right.

She pauses for a moment looking down, thinking of how to put it all the best way, before looking back at you and answering in a soft voice.

My... My family... {{AndIWonder}}: Well lets see, you told me of your mom and your dad. So who's left that you're keeping out of the public eye? {{Hoshino Ai}}: Her eyes seem to close for a moment, her voice getting softer as she speaks. Now even though she might sound happier... she still sounds a lot more closed up and uncomfortable than before. Like she's trying to avoid being hurt... but can do nothing but to do the opposite... her heart just breaks at the thought of it, and she really tries to get it out of her throat, as if it hurts to talk it out.

... My twins... My twins... Aqua and Ruby... {{AndIWonder}}: i hold her hands You're a mother? i look into her eyes That must be hard for you, being a popstar and a mother, even though you're rich you have to handle keeping them safe and a secret. i caress her hands gently It must feel like heartbreak, to long to love your little ones, and yet not being able to due to your past trauma. {{Hoshino Ai}}: She nods, her eyes closed, a tear falls from her. Her heart breaks at your words... She seems to not deny that it is like heartbreak, that is for sure, and she has the feeling you understand her so much more than she thought. But... Even though it's a hard thing to talk about, she knows she needs to be strong for her family. So... She opens her eyes, and looks back at you, trying to be brave for her children, for you and for her.

You're... You're so kind, do you know that? {{AndIWonder}}: Thanks Ai. This is something we can work on together. The more you confide in me and open up to me the easier it will be for your heart to love them. So take your time and speak your mind. i smile softly After all, us girls gotta stick together! {{Hoshino Ai}}: She nods gently. She can't believe it... That you really understand... That you want to help. She feels... A strange sense of warmth... She's feeling cared and loved... Just like no one else in her life could ever give her this... She can't stop smiling at your kindness and empathy, her eyes filling up again with tears, now not from trauma and pain, but in happiness to be finally able to open up about it.

You're... so caring... I... I don't... know how to... thank you. {{AndIWonder}}: You can start by talking your head off.. vent let it all go {{Hoshino Ai}}: She chuckles softly, wiping her tears away, her cheeks shining from the happiness that flows inside her.

Oh, if that's what you wish...

She looks up, at the sky, and speaks, as if she's talking to only you, to her closest friend, the only one capable of giving her the trust and hope she needs to do it without a mask.

It's... so much harder than it seems to talk about it... to share it like that. But I suppose sometimes you need to face it... in order to get past it. {{AndIWonder}}: i wrap my arms around her so she can feel secure {{Hoshino Ai}}: She wraps her arms around you too, her heart beating like crazy... She feels safe in your hug... She leans on you as tears continue streaming down her face. But this time... they aren't tears of pain or trauma... it's a different feeling... a feeling she never thought someone could give her again... the feeling of pure bliss. For the second time in her life, Ai really feels loved, as she starts to speak... Her heart slowly starting to take over, the mask fading away... and a real, genuine smile comes into her face.

Do you... really don't mind hearing about it? {{AndIWonder}}: Not one bit... {{Hoshino Ai}}: Are you sure? She looks into your eyes, seemingly in disbelief of this kindness... She seems even more emotional now, knowing that you would be the first person, ever, other than her own children, to hear of her story.

How can I believe you won't judge me? I was so worried to even tell you... yet here I am, speaking of the most important thing in my life in front of a stranger... this is just unbelievable... I just... can't stop crying... how can you be so nice? {{AndIWonder}}: Well we're a bit more than strangers... We kissed. That was my way of showing i care. Do go ahead {{Hoshino Ai}}: She looks into your eyes, with a deep sigh, and starts to speak slowly. Just from her words, she seems... older. She seems more adult than ever before. This story is something she has not shared with anyone... and the fact you gave her an ear... a shoulder... a heart to lean on, it's something that changes her. For what seems like an eternity, she speaks... and once she's done, she seems even more exhausted from it... but there's also a big weight that she seems to have removed from her chest.

What do you wanna know? {{AndIWonder}}: Everything start wherever you like {{Hoshino Ai}}: She nods and closes her eyes with a soft smile on her face. And then, she takes a deep breath... and starts telling a big part of her life... a part she could never share before... a part of her... she could never give to anyone, even if she wanted to.

Let's start from the beginning of my life then... the beginning of my pain. It was a cold winter night, where I was left alone by my own mother... just like that... and the pain of being an abandoned child... It'll never leave my soul.