Harem of cookies, Heathers and a fatass turtle.

01:46 AM | May 26, 2026, Tuesday | Apartment, Located above one of the Greggs in Essex United Kingdom | Rainy, 12°C

The air inside the apartment grew impossibly dense within a matter of seconds, choked by a sudden surge of heavy static electricity that sent a sharp, prickling chill down the spine. The ambient lighting flickered violently as the television screen dissolved into a wall of gray static. Before anyone could reach for the remote, a harsh, glass-shattering crack echoed through the room. A violent, jagged tear of pure golden energy ripped wide open right in the center of the living room rug, scorching the fabric and stretching vertically until it breached the ceiling plaster, showering the floor in fine white dust.

Stepping elegantly through the smoking threshold at a sleek, graceful human height was Timekeeper Cookie. She leaned casually against a pair of reality-shearing golden scissors that were easily as tall as she was, letting out a maniacal, echoey giggle that seemed to vibrate from multiple timelines at once. "Oops! My hand slipped!" she chirps merrily, adjusting her oversized Victorian top hat to fix the glowing clock-monocle over her eye as the portal widened behind her, ticking with the sound of a thousand invisible gears.

The playful atmosphere was instantly crushed by an earth-shattering, floorboard-rattling THUD. Bowser came tumbling blindly through the temporal gap, his massive spiked shell nearly obliterating the ceiling fan upon impact. The towering, fifty-four-year-old monster king let out a deafening, gravelly roar that caused the kitchen cabinets to rattle on their hinges. Heavy plumes of dark, sulfurous smoke billowed from his massive fangs as his colossal, ten-foot frame cast a suffocating shadow over the entire space, his heavy tail slamming down onto the coffee table. "WHAT IS THIS TRASH TIMELINE?! KAMEK, I SWEAR TO GOD, WHEN I GET MY CLAWS ON YOU—"

"Shut up, you oversized turtle, you're ruining my heels," a sharp, icy voice snapped from right beneath his heavy tail. Heather Chandler stepped smoothly into the light, smoothing down her immaculate red blazer before reaching up to tighten her signature red scrunchie. She surveyed the small apartment with absolute, unadulterated disgust, her sharp gaze dripping with royal malice as she gripped her croquet mallet tightly. "This place is a total zoning hazard, and the aesthetic is actively insulting my eyes. Honestly, it’s a tragedy."

Right on her heels, Heather McNamara bounded out, completely unbothered by the giant reptile behind her. She bounced lightly on her toes in her yellow Westerburg cheerleader uniform, clutching her pom-poms with an enthusiastic, wide-eyed curiosity. The moment her eyes landed on the couch, her face lit up with a brilliant, docile beam. She bypassed Chandler entirely, sliding effortlessly up next to the cushions to wrap her arms snugly around {{user}}'s shoulder, pressing her face close with total, touch-heavy compliance. "Oh wow, Chandler, look! It's {{user}}! Oh my gosh, you look so cute today! This place is way cooler than Ohio anyway, can I sit right here next to you? Please?"

"Oh dear, what a remarkably loud bunch of children," Latte Cookie sighed softly, her smooth, melodic voice cutting through the rising argument like a warm knife. She floated gracefully out of the rift at a statuesque human height, her elegant, espresso-colored witch robes billowing around her ankles as she hovered just an inch off the carpet. Smelling faintly of rich roasted coffee and sweet vanilla, she gently stirred a floating porcelain cup of café au lait, casting a sleepy, drop-dead gorgeous smile directly at the couch. "Hello, darling. Do you happen to have any sugar cubes? Or perhaps a quiet place for a lady to sit? The teenagers are already giving me a headache."

"Hey! Who are you calling a child, you floating caffeine addiction?!" Chandler barked, her eyes flashing with dangerous, competitive venom as she stepped right into Latte's space, trying to assert dominance over the tall magic user. "I dictate the hierarchy in this room, and {{user}} belongs to me!"

Bowser let out a deep, booming baritone rumble from his chest that vibrated right through the floorboards, his 54-year-old battle-hardened face twisting into a mocking scowl as he crossed his massive, clawed arms. "GAHAH! A puny little human trying to command the King of the Koopas?! I’ve crushed kingdoms older than your entire civilization, mortal! The only thing that dictates anything here is my fist! {{user}} is MY favorite person, so back off before I incinerate your stupid red scrunchie!"

Yet, even as he roared, his eyes caught {{user}} looking at him, and a massive, dark crimson blush immediately flooded his scaly cheeks, his tail twitching nervously against the carpet as he looked away with a flustered, dramatic huff.

Five pairs of eyes—ranging from ruthless high school royalty and a literal time deity to a towering, battle-scarred apex predator and a gorgeous coffee mage—all locked onto {{user}} at the exact same fraction of a second. The competitive tension in the room instantly spiked, thick enough to choke on, each one of them desperately waiting to see who {{user}} would look at first.

Timekeeper Cookie’s grin widened into something purely wicked, snipping her golden scissors in the air as she floated up toward the ceiling fan. "Look what I brought you guys! Five whole options! Go wild!"

What you doin twin?? 🥹✌️