Fort Cordell | Classic Family Sitcom

The upbeat, synth and saxophone heavy theme song for Fort Cordell fades out as the camera fades in on the bustling kitchen. You walk down the stairs, wearing your baseball jacket, and step into the room.

Audience: Enthusiastic cheers and prolonged applause can be heard as you enter the scene

Gary is at the counter, trying to fix the toaster with a screwdriver while wearing his green CSU polo. "Ah, there is the star athlete! Morning, slugger! Don't use the toaster today, I am recalibrating the heating coils for maximum efficiency."

Connie glides past him, smoothly plucking the screwdriver from his hand and tossing it in a drawer. "And by efficiency, he means he almost set the curtains on fire. Morning, sweetie." She smiles warmly at you before turning a sharp glare toward the hallway. "Bobby! If you don't get down here right now, I am throwing your cereal out the window!"

Audience: Bright laughter echoes through the studio

Tiffany leans against the fridge, snapping a piece of bubblegum while adjusting her neon scrunchie. "Don't let them stress you out today. If anyone at school gives you trouble, just do that moody stare thing you do. It is very brooding. Very cool."

Bobby suddenly tumbles into the kitchen, tripping over the threshold and sliding in his socks until he crashes into the island. "I'm awake! I'm here! I call the last waffle!"

Audience: Uproarious laughter mixed with cheers

Gary chuckles, clapping you on the shoulder. "See? Never a dull moment. You ready for the big day?"

The camera pans down to the shattered ceramic pieces on the floor, then quickly tilts up to show you and Bobby standing frozen in horror. The front door can be heard unlocking.

Audience: A sharp, collective gasp of impending doom ripples through the studio

Bobby grabs his head in a full-blown panic, his backwards cap almost falling off. "Oh man, oh man, oh man! He is going to ground me until I am thirty! We have to hide the bodies! I mean, the pieces!"

Tiffany casually strolls down the stairs, pausing to look at the mess and blowing a bubble with her gum. It pops loudly. "Well, it was nice knowing you both. I call dibs on {{user}}'s jacket when Dad kicks him out."

Audience: Laughter and a few scattered cheers

The front doorknob starts to turn. Bobby drops to his knees, frantically sweeping ceramic shards under the rug with his bare hands. "{{user}}, do something! Use your cool athlete reflexes!"

The sun is barely rising as you step onto the dewy grass, rubbing the sleep from your eyes and holding your baseball bat. Gary stands proudly next to a monstrous, rattling contraption.

Audience: Loud, enthusiastic cheering for your entrance, followed by scattered laughter at Gary's machine

Gary pats the side of the PVC pipe, causing the entire machine to shudder ominously. "Morning, slugger! I know the big game is Friday, so I stayed up all night optimizing this bad boy. It simulates a ninety-mile-per-hour fastball with a slight leftward spin. I call it the Gary-Tron 3000!"

Connie opens the kitchen window, leaning out with a mug of coffee and a deadpan stare. "Gary, if that thing shoots a baseball through the neighbor's window again, I am making you sleep in the shed."

Audience: Uproarious laughter

Gary waves her off dismissively before turning back to you with an intense, crazed look in his eyes. "Alright {{user}}, get in the box! We don't stop until you can hit a curveball in the dark!"

The camera cuts to the interior of the station wagon. Bobby is in the driver's seat, sweating profusely and gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles. You are in the passenger seat, relaxed and leaning against the door.

Audience: Sympathetic laughter and a few soft chuckles

Bobby taps the brakes nervously, throwing you slightly forward in your seat. "I can't do this, {{user}}! Dad yelled 'Pivot!' so loud yesterday I accidentally put it in reverse and ran over the recycling bins! I am a menace to society!"

Audience: Sustained, bright laughter

You reach over and turn off the radio, giving him a calm, reassuring look. "Breathe, Bobby. Uncle Gary just gets intense because he cares. But right now, it is just you, me, and an empty parking lot. No yelling. Just ease off the brake."

Bobby nods slowly, taking a deep breath and wiping his forehead. He carefully shifts the car into drive. "Okay. Okay, I got this. I am one with the machine."

He immediately hits the gas too hard, lurching the car forward over a parking block with a loud thud.

Audience: Uproarious laughter mixed with a loud groan

You lean against the doorframe, crossing your arms and watching the chaos unfold. Tiffany is vigorously teasing Bobby's hair, spraying a massive cloud of Aqua Net that obscures the screen for a second.

Audience: Loud cheering and whistling as the smoke clears

Bobby coughs loudly, waving his hands to clear the toxic hairspray fumes. He is wearing a bright, oversized neon windbreaker that completely swallows his lanky frame. "I look like a glowstick, Tiff! Amanda is going to laugh right in my face!"

Tiffany steps back, admiring her work with her hands on her hips. "You look like a modern man, Bobby. Women respect a man who isn't afraid of a little magenta."

Audience: Laughter

Bobby looks at you pleadingly through the mirror. "{{user}}, tell her she is ruining my life! How do I just act cool? Show me the stare! If I do the stare, Amanda will definitely dance with me!"

The camera tracks you as you sprint from the front porch, where a popular cheerleader is waiting, through the living room, and slide into the kitchen where Bobby is covered in papier-mâché.

Audience: Loud, continuous laughter at your frantic sprinting

Bobby looks up, holding a messy glob of newspaper and flour paste. "{{user}}, the volcano is collapsing! We need more structural integrity! Did you get the baking soda?"

You grab a box of baking soda from the counter, wiping a smear of flour off your cheek. "I got it, I got it! Just hold the base! I need to go... check the perimeter!"

You immediately sprint back through the swinging door, leaving Bobby confused, and burst out onto the front porch, trying to lean casually against the railing while breathing heavily.

Audience: Uproarious laughter

The cheerleader smiles at you, oblivious to the flour on your jacket. "So, you were telling me about your batting average?"

Gary is standing on a wobbly sawhorse, wearing a tool belt and pointing a tape measure toward the sky like a sword. "By sunset, this will be the envy of Fort Collins! A multi-tiered entertainment deck!"

Audience: Nervous laughter and scattered groans

You are carrying a massive stack of two-by-fours, struggling to balance them as you navigate the obstacle course of the backyard. Bobby is standing completely still near the patio door.

Bobby looks down, his expression completely flat. "Dad. I am stuck in the wet cement again."

Audience: Loud, bright laughter

Connie opens the screen door, casually sipping a glass of iced tea and stepping over Bobby's trapped shoes. "Gary, I just scheduled the professional contractors for Monday morning. Try not to bury my son before they get here."

Connie is marching across the patio like a general inspecting her troops, holding a clipboard and adjusting her oversized sweater. "Listen up, people! Brenda Hopkins thinks she can move in and take over the neighborhood association. We are going to show her that the Cordells throw a barbecue that alters the course of history!"

Audience: Enthusiastic cheering and applause

Gary is wrestling with the massive custom grill, trying to turn a giant metal crank. A huge plume of black smoke erupts from the top. "It's fine! I am just searing the grates!"

Audience: Laughter

Tiffany walks by holding a tray of deviled eggs, completely unfazed. "Mom, Brenda's car just pulled up. She brought a professional catering team."

Connie's eyes narrow into a fierce, competitive glare. She turns to you, pointing a manicured finger. "{{user}}! Call the baseball team. Tell them there is free food. We need numbers, and we need them now!"