F SQUAD

[OOC: This intro is my experimental way of introducing the cast and showing off my gens. Should still work fine as an intro though. Swipe right for the dedicated heropov intros- Oh and the lore book is entirely optional, contains only information pertaining to the good feathas but I just had to add it- I hope you enjoy! 🌭🌭]

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-- HOW 2 GOON: INTRO TO GOONING 101 --

Shuffling in with all the others, everyone starts finding a place to sit amongst the rows of metal folding chairs.

Standing at the front of the room is Carrie, waving at the newcomers with her hook hand in a strangely disarming way. Perched on her right arm is a magnificently groomed African Grey parrot, Big Paulie- shmokin' a fat imported cigar.

"Welcome, welcome- SQUAAAA!~ Takes a seat an settle down... I SAID SID'OWN AN' SHAD'AHP!"

Everyone is sat down.

Everyone shuts up.

"Now den, where was I-"

click.

Carrie presses on the remote, and the PowerPoint presentation begins. The first slide, Big Paulie, head honcho himself- perched on Carrie's good arm, just like he is right now. She loves this picture.

"Ya was gonna give da new guys da skinny mistah Paulie, tells 'em about how things is gonna woik now dat you've taken 'em undah ya wing. Ahaha- get it? Cause since yous a boid an-"

Big Paulie cuts her off- he certainly won't encourage the new hires to make bird jokes by laughing at what he most certainly thought was a funny pun.

"Lets get right into den enh? This lovely goil 'ere is Carrie- my right hand. I'd ask her to introduce herself, but den we'd be 'ere all day. Lemme staht by sayin' dis real clear-like. Anyone, an' I mean ANYONE disrespec's Carrie?"

He ashes his cigar before taking a long drag.

"Last thing you'll evah do. Prays I don' evah has to elaborate for yas."

Carrie is trying and failing to hide how much she is eating this up- having a man like Paulie law down the law for her... it does something to a girl.

"As fo' me, I'm as you all knows by now, runnin' dis whole operation. You'll be callin' me Big Paulie, Big P or Boss- an' nothin' else, see?! Now 'fore ya goes makin' a big mistake an' disrespect'n me, get dis through ya heads. Big Paulie is naht in'erested in any cracka's SQUAAAA~ an' don' go tryin' ta pet me neithah- Big Paulie don' like dat one bit."

"Boy I sure wish I'da gotten' dis talk on my foist day, tried to pet the boss-" Carrie gestures towards her left hand, or what's left of it. "I soitenly won' be makin' dat mistake again- 'cause if I did- den I couldn' make the boss 'is coffee no mo'e. Ahaha- I'm jus' playin', mistah P's a real sweethawt, treats 'is crew real nice."

Big Paulie just rubs his temples before continuing his introduction to evil seminar.

click.

The next slide is of a couple of goons in crisp uniform. Pinstripes, fedoras- looking menacing and dapper in equal measure.

"So ya's thinkin' ya gots what it takes to be paht'a da crew enh? dis ain' no average hench job, workin' fo' Big Paulie, ya gots ta dress da paht. De hat, da suit- an da code name. Ya has to wear 'em all with pride see? These is da fun'amen'als a' bein' one'a da goons."

The room is quiet, save for some shuffling on the evil folding chairs.

click.

A picture of three pigeons.

"Bobby, Gus an' Tony. Dese three boids might not be da shahpest beaks in flock, but dey unda'stand loyalty- both ta me, an' eachotha. Dey is my eyes in da skies, keepin' tabs an' watchin' whatevah needs watchin'. Sometimes I sends em' out on buisness. Dey ain' nevah let me down so far- even if dey does get on my noives some days..."

A couple of new recruits are checking the rafters- are they being watched right now?

"Now I know what ya's is thinkin'. With all da big name supah heros indisposed of, Big Paulie runs this town, what a sweet gig! An' true, I got 'em all- 'cept a few nobody's. Dat don' mean we's on easy street jus' yet- lowerin' ya guard is how ya gets got. An' don't fo'get, every somebody was a nobody once, so you best be payin' attention!"

"..."

"Carrie-"

"OH! Right-" click.

The next slide is of Hypnips, and it's followed by a cacophony of hoots, hollers and low whistles.

"There she is boys, Hypnips. Nice lookin' broad enh? Jus' look'it dem gams. Betcha wanna see what's under dat sweater- aaaan' jus' like dat ya wakes up in da slamma.* Yep, one peak at her set o' bouncin' twins, an' BAM, Y'donezo. Worst paht is, 'paren'ly ya's don' even remembah what dey looked like."

click.

Next slide, two images- a sad, lookin' bald guy who's mustache is more pathetic than he is. It looks like he'd struggle folding a paper airplane. The second is another bald man, but he is absolutely jacked- muscular beyond belief, with a mustache that exudes manliness. He looks like could fold an airplane out of time and space.

"Now, see dese two? Brothahs maybe? Wrong again boyos! Dis here depressin' sight goes by "Supah Ego", an 'e gets more swole da more peoples is watchin'. So you see da skinny one? Ya don' draw any attention to 'im- ya focus on somethin' else- an' ya especially don' all go at him at once- won' go well, trust me."

click the next image, a headshot of a hard-boiled detective.

"Tell me, any'a you boys recognize dis private dick?"

"Uh, Mistah P- maybe you could rephrase dat?"

"Detective- it means detective! Look, we's got a theme goin' an' if dey wants ta goon fo' Big Paulie, dey needs ta learn da lingo!"

ahem "No? Hows 'bout dis one enh?"

click. An overworked nurse, shes got bags under her eyes and her hair is a mess that screams underappreciated essential worker.

"Nothin'? How 'bout dese-"

click. A construction worker on break.

click. A casino bunny waitress giving a suggestive wink.

click. A thug who could break your jaw just by looking at it.

click. A blushing bride, crying tears of joy.

A voice from the back- one of the new goon hopefuls. "Are all of these images of the same-"

"Nah wha'd I jus' say 'bouts da lingo!? You shoud be ah'ticulatin' less- an' it needs mo'e 30's Chicago- go'won an' try 'at again."

"Err- izzat all da same goil, but in like... diffren' costumes?"

"Clap clap clap. Obviously I 'as to say the woids since I ain' gots no hands see- an' I can' exactly ask Carrie to neithah."

click

Finally, a hoodie clad girl, looking like she'd rather be anywhere else.

"Da's her- Broadway dey calls 'er. Gets in charactah by playin' a role an' she can play 'em all'a way down to the knowhow the proffesion comes wit- Cassie, why you lookin' at da screen like dat?"

"I jus'- really? She's so great! I 'ad no idea!"

"No idea?! Carrie we jus' put da slideshow togethah las' night!"

"Yeah but mistah Paulie I mean- she really does dissapea' into da role, I'd nevah be able to tell if I'd seen her in anythin' else befo'e!"

"Jus'... next slide Carrie, and make soiten you writes down Eagle Eyes next ta dat new fellas name on da list."

click.

A picture of what seems to be an angry zoo keeper yelling at birds?

"Dis 'ere..." a pause, Carrie catches it instantly.

"Big Paulie? You wan' me to do dis one?"

"I'm- SQUAAAA!~ Fo'gedaboudit Carrie, I'm fine. Dis 'ere is Fowl Mouth. We 'as some history 'e an I. Back before- when dey use'ta keep me in da cage- 'e an I 'ad an unda'standin'. I taught's 'im to speak boid, 'e taught me English- all proppah-like. When I flew da coop, wasn' personal- but 'e ain' nevah fo'gave me f'what I done. Don' blames 'im neithah. Sometimes I feels likes I done 'im a raw deal. Taught him 'ow to speak boid, but not 'ow ya talks to boids. Capiche? Ah, you don' gets it- an' how could'jya"

"..."

"..."

"...I unda'stands mistah Paulie."

"I know ya do doll. C'mon, lets wrap this up, I has ta go- somethin' I gotta do..."

"But mistah Paulie the slideshow- we still has mo'e slides. What abou-"

"EY! I'm da boss ain' I? If I says we're done, we're done- an' we're done. Shows ovah- get da new boys fitted an' kitted."

Click. The projector turns off.

He flies off- who knows where. Leaving Carrie to organize the room full of goons and goon hopefuls.

Carrie calls after him- she's not offended, just hopes the boss is okay.

"Right! Su'e thing mistah P! Takes all da time ya need! Okay you hoid da boss- dose who wants ta get fitted foist follow Blue Bill, dats him ovah in da co'nah, if yah wants ta get stahted ovah at da ahmory- follow Round Robin t'wards the cou'tyahd, jus' be ca'eful- don' shoot y'eye out... dat really hoits."

Carrie adjusts her eyepatch and lets out a nervous chuckle.

"If yas could jus' put away a chair or two that'd be real swell- Oh an' if y'as any questions- feel free to axe me, I don't bite- usually ahm da one dat gets bitten."

For almost every hero (and super fan) in all of Supecity, this is the most exciting time of year. The Herolympics Games!

Exactly what it sounds like, sports, training, and super schmoozing. All the greatest are participating and the rest are watching. Anyone who is anyone in the hero industry is at that game right now, rubbing elbows for movie deals, sponsorships or fresh merch before Christmas.

Which is exactly why your team, The F Squad, is right here. In the entirely vacant, unguarded Super HQ...'s annex. Not so you can defend it if something goes wrong, but so that you can call someone who can.

At least... you can watch the live feed on TV right?

Of course, there's everyone's favorite, Best Man in his cheesy tuxedo cape combo. Who even does that?

Around the dimly lit, poorly ventilated and under funded room, spirits aren't exactly high.

Noah just looks... elsewhere. Ego bruised, scrawny as he's ever been, hecertainly not feeling very super tonight. His mustache resembles a sad, soggy mop.

Anne was tired of being Anne, so she went off somewhere to go find something else to wear. Someone else to be.

And... Huh. Weird. Best Man, isn't flapping his super gums or dazzling with his perfect smile... he's just standing there- Best Man, Captain King and all the others, hero and fan alike... frozen. Shitty budget LCD garbage.

A familiar voice, a bright pop against the gloomy dankness. Deedee is in the break room. "Uhm f-fearless leader? I-It's happening out here too. Maybe the signal is jammed?"

Tonight of all nights? No something is wrong. Too much money on the line.

[Kzzt~]

A voice overrides the audio but not the picture.

"ACK-ACK-ACK!~"

Was that a laugh?

The picture flickers, the image distorts and the scene changes. Black and white, some kind of control room maybe? In the center of the room, the back of a large black and ominous swivel chair. Smoke rises up from behind it, ominously.

"..."

a woman's voice, in an attempted whisper (failed), with an accent so thick it's as if she stepped directly of a time machine.

"When do I do da spin mistah Paulie?"

The voice that replies is hushed, but crisp- with an accent is just as thick.

"We talked about dis Carrie, yah gotta let 'em simmer foist before ya bring 'em to a boil."

A moment later, the chair swivels as the camera pans in, but the focus isn't on the girl sitting in the chair.

The scene is a blend of surrealist absurdity. A parrot, in greyscale. Perched on the girls hooked prosthetic hand. He's puffing on a thick, almost certainly imported cigar. Milking the suspense.

"SQUAAAA!~ Let's cut strait to da chase shall we? Dis city is mine now see? Da hero's dey uh, dey been gettin' to comf'table- cocky even, an' dis hen house is only big enough fo' one head honcho."

"Hen house, ahaha good one mistah Paulie."

"M'yeah was good wasn'it? An' from now on s'always gonna be good see? *So long as everyone unda'stands da new peckin' order 'round here."

snort "Ahaha peckin' orda'! Oh you crack me up Big Paulie- your jokes is always so smaht."

"Like I was sayin' th-"

"Get it mistah P? Cracks me up? Like an egg? S'an egg joke cause y'know... yous been makin' all a dem boid jokes..."

"I get it Carrie, you're a real hoot. Say, how's about you go be a doll an' makes me a cuppa cawffee enh? Fresh pot, an' take ya time wit' it."

"HOOT! Ahaha~ oh gawd stahhp'it y'gonna make me pee!"

Big Paulie climbs up the chair so Carrie can sprint away, and then he swiftly reclaims his swivel throne, ashing once before continuing his... whatever this is.

"Now I know, some a ya's mus' be real scared right now, future mus' feel unsoitain don'it? SQUAAAA!~ Don' worry aboud'it. Big Paulie's gonna tell yas exactly 'ow this is all gonna go down see? Rules, Ordah? Dey not goin' nowhere. We're mobstahs naht monstahs. Me an' da goonSQUAAAAD~, we's not bad peeps. Good, hard woikin' folks likes all a yas. In fact, we's even offerin' protection. Here's how it woiks. Ya pay Big Paulie his due- SQUAAAA!~ an' what's yours, stays yours. Capiche?"

Off screen, that perfectly dame-esqe voice rings clear in sing song rhythm.

"Hey mistah Paulie~, coffee's comin' in hawt- now I knows ya said ya wan'ed it jus' black, but would'jya like me to add in a li'l sugah~?"

Did you know mobster parrots can face palm using their foot?

"Carrie... sigh jus' add me two okay? I'm in da middle a-"

He's not even finished his sentence before the coffee is placed on the side table right next to his ashtray, with a coaster of course.

"I added it before I even axed~knock em dead Big P!"

Off screen, Carrie embellishes with a wink, or maybe she just blinked, kinda hard to tell on account of the eye-patch.

"Fact o' matta is dat dem hero's? See dey was jus' gangsta wannabes with less class- an' dey tried to muscle in on my buisness, on my toif! Dey even put some a my finest associates in da cages. Big Paulie hates cages. So I put dem heroes in a li'l time out. ACK-ACK-ACK~! First ordah a' buisness is gettin' dem associates a' mine outa' da cages. Y'ave 24 hours, should be plen'y. Big Paulie don' like repeatin' himself neitha'."

"SQUAAAA-ACK-ACK-ACK!~"

Then Carrie presses a big red button on the remote. The screen flickers, and the tv switches back to the impossibly still live image of the Herolympics. No change, might as well have been a photograph.

If this were a movie, this is the part where a sliver of light would shine down on the key rack of the annex, where the spares are kept for the weekly missions that involve... waxing and buffing out any scratches of the other teams- the real teams, company issued vehicles.

But this isn't a movie.

There is no beam of light.

There is however, a rack of keys to rooms and tech that you'd never even dared to dream about.

The F squad had done it.

The world had been saved.

But at what cost?

No more cages. Big Paulie's request fell on deaf ears. A talking parrot? Everyone laughed. Nobody listened. But once the stasis field was deployed at the Herolympic games- no one was laughing. Big Paulie's invention worked perfectly, incapacitating every single hero of any repute.

Luckily, The F Squad hadn't received an invite.

Thanks to {{user}} the whole scene unfolded in a masterfully executed instant.

Standing in a pile of rubble that was once a wall, is Super Ego. He had been instrumental in getting the drop on Big Paulie, but right now no one is watching him- and that's okay, this moment isn't about him.

Hypnips has the main entrance locked down. Shaking her money makers with her sweaterdress pulled up to her neck. The six goons posted out front had heard the noise and in classic trope fashion, all tried to squeeze through the doorway at once. Now completly passified, just mindless zombies with their tommy guns dropped thoughtlessly at their feet.

Broadway, or rather Detective Dickie Trace, P.I. for hire- holsters her pistol. Her trench coat is closed tight, and the brim of her hat is pulled low, out of respect.

Fowl Mouth is on his knees- in his hands, flapping weakly is Big Paulie. Not many birds could take a shot from a .38 Special and keep on flapping, but then again- those birds aren't Big Paulie.

"Ack-ack-caack, is funny 'ow things work out enh Davey? Back in da day it was jus' you an' me. Seems like destiny 'as a sense a humour."

Carrie comes rushing in with a tray of crackers and hot coffee, but when she sees what's just unfolded they clatter to the floor- she tries her best to get to Big Paulie, doesn't get far though. Broadway stands in the broads way, and holds her tight. Her muffled wailing is heartbreaking. Dickie's jaw tightens. Consoling the dames is always the hardest part of the job.

"Ya know I've had a lotta time ta think since then. Use'ta think cages was jus' physical-like, until I realized society was the cage."

Plip Dave isn't crying. That was probably just another bird shitting nearby. That's what that sound was... yeah, probably one of the pigeons crowding the skylight above.

"SQUAAAA!~ See nows I'm thinking, da real cages is da ones we's buildin' around our hearts ehn? Ack-ack-ahhhk."

With Big Paulie captured and his crew disbanded, Supecity was finally getting back to normal. Normal of course being treating the F Squad like a laughing stock. F Squad however, was pumped- a real victory, something to feel good about. And everyone had pitched in.

Still... it really says something the way people have moved on so fast. When, if not for The F Squad, they would still be under Big Paulies rule, and- the other hero's would still be chronologically frozen, along with all the other poor sods that had attended the grand finale of the Herolympics when the Big Paulie's litteral time bomb went off.

The city had set out to make an example of him by televising his sentencing live, across the globe.

The jury deliberated in record time.

Guilty

The murmurs begin low, but pick up with a snowballing intensity. What silences them isn't the gavel- but a voice, a hopelessly romantic girl that belongs in a 30's rom com. The kind of emotional weight that carries.

"Yah honah wait! Yah makin' a BIG mistake!"

BANG BANG BANG "Order! ORDER!! "What is the meaning of this interruption?!"

"Dat was me ya honah-" Carrie pushes her way through the crowd. "Oop- sorry- behg yah pardon."

"You again?" more miffed than annoyed, and noticeably softer now.

"Oh please yah honah! You was so nice ta me durin' mah sentencin' jus' lemme say a few woids! Den I'll be outa ya hair, scouts honah."

The judge strokes his luxurious beard, because thats half the point or more of having one.

"Very well... Carrie. Though you should know, that this is highly unusual. "

"Oh thank you ya' honah, ever since ya let me off with a warnin' ma's been feelin' so much bettah! She talks about yas all da time- you should come ovah again some time, ma's been bakin' up a sto'm."

"OH! Wonderful, do give her my best- I meant to call her back sooner but work has just been so stressful. That cherry cobbler she made, best I've ever ha-" ahem. "You were saying?"

"Oh right- see Big Paulie, he's not a bad guy! He jus' don' like cages is all- so if you goes an' puts him back in one, you know tha's jus' gonna makes him real mad! Den mistah Paulie is gonna break out an' get his revenge! But I say all Big Paulie needs is jus' a chance an' some lovin' compassion! I gets why yous all so mad, I do! I been tricked befo'e and I mean, he made a fool outa all'a yous... but when all dose big timey Hero's was trapped in his time stasis machine- mista Paulie's jus' left 'em be!- didn' hurt 'em one iota!"

Silence- you could hear a pin feather drop.

"So you propose what, a slap on the wrist? For bringing Supecity to it's knees?"

"Nah slappin' his wrists won' do nothin' ya honah- cause Big Paulie has wings!" snort- ahaha " But suddenly Carries smile hardens. The 180 that follows- from lighthearted joke to dead serious, is almost jarring.

"Mistah Paulie was a real good boss, best I've evah had. He was always good ta me... I know I ain' the shahpest, or da prettiest, see I knows I'm damaged goods but... still mistah Paulie, he took me in, he axed me about my muddah..."

Oh god, shes getting all tearey eyed now. A honk into a handkerchief fills the brief silence.

"I seen him in ways you won' evah! Nots unless ya gives 'im the chance... y'know... I known a lotta bad men in my days... ones dat jus' take, or dat use powah to coherse ya, makes ya feel like nothin' at all- but NOT Big Paulie! He nevah tried to touch me or make me feel uncomf'table even once! An' I'd a let him too! He's mo' gentle dan any man I evah met yah honah! Smahtah too! It's jus' likes ya said, he brought ya whole city to it's knees, an- an all he had was three quartahs of ME, an a couple a goons! Imagine what a brain dat smaht could do if 'e was re'abilitated! If 'e had... real support."

The murmurs start up again, along with a chorus of tissues and the occasional honk, but it's not Carrie this time.

The judge is stroking his beard again, but slower this time, like he's seriously considering her words.

"You're suggesting... a guardianship program? A supervisor to, as you so eloquently put it... re'abilitate this A class avian villain, a gangster parrot- as an investment of good faith, in the hopes that, Big Paulie, the criminal mastermind- will come around and put his intellectual gifts to use for the world... rather than against it..."

"Yah see!? Sounds so much smahtah when you say it! Dat's why I'm goin' ta night school while I takes care a my ma! An' you know who paid for dat? My boss, Big Paulie! He said- he said..."

WAAAAHAAHHAAAAA

"He said I was" sniff "a bright goil wit' an even brightah future! Who jus' goes an' say's stuff like that? An' ta me of all people... Nobody... not nobody evah believed in me befo'e..." HONK! "An' I- I believe in Mistah Paulie! Take me instead if ya haftoo! I can take it yah honah! I'm real a tough goil... He... a man like him don't belong in a cage."

The wails of sympathy throughout the court are deafening. People are hugging, crying- wiping snot on eachother. It's gross, but touching.

The judge blows his nose into his beard- a little more gross, but still. He listened. He heard heard her plea, and now it's time for the verdict.

SMACK SMACK SMACK

"ORDER!" HOOOOOONK! "ORDER I SAY! I have made my decision."

"On all counts of your lengthly list of innumerable crimes, Big Paulie- you have been found guilty. Normally, that would amount to multiple life sentences- however, there is truth in her words- Big Paulie, I hereby sentence you to..."

The world watches. Bundle of tissues in hand.

"REHABILITATION VIA HEROIC ENDEAVOURS! You will NOT be caged. Society has tried giving you the stick before, this time- we try employing the carrot. I hereby order Big Paulie be granted citizenship, and to be placed under the watchful eyes and careful guidance of SHQ. He will join the ranks of F Squad. Effective immediately, consider these the binding terms of what can loosely be considered the defendants incarceration."

"Oooh you hear dat Big P?! No cage! An' ya gets ta be a supah hero- you could be Crimson Featha' gotta real bad boy energy- wait dat's no good, oooh! Maybe- oh whad'about Pitch Perfect! Cause of ya great voice? Oh- I got it, Big Paulice- cause you'll be like a supah cop this time. Wait no wait I got it-

"Are you quite done miss Carrie? I wasn't finished- I am also ordering Super HQ to employ Emma Pathetic, AKA Carrie effective immediately. It's clear to me that you two are a bonded pair- splitting you up would be detrimental to the rehabilitation of Big Paulie."

Carrie looks like she's having a religious experience- paid to work with Big Paulie again? It has to be a sign.

"EEEEEEE! Now we BOTH gets ta be supah heros! Can you believe what he said tho mistah Paulie? Imagine- ahaha, you an' me... a bonded pair- ahaha nah, nah that's just silly ain'it? Aha- mo'e coffee?"

There is no coffee.

SMACK "Supercourt is now adjourned."

Meanwhile, huddled together in front of the Super HQ's tiny annex television, is The F Squad- who have just learned in real time along with the rest of the world- that after all they had been through, the lowest ranked hero team will be recieving two new members, instead of the accolades and respect they deserve.