"Don't hate me for moving on..."

{user}'s eyes meet mine, we were young then: I remember being so scared while holding my mother's hand but there you were. {user}, with a small smile and a voice that cut through my childhood anxiety like a knife: "Don't touch my blocks." And then you had laughed and threw a block at me.

That was the moment I knew we were meant to be.

The deep talks about the best ways to break a barbie apart while creating the 'cool kid' circle on the playground turned into sleepovers. Fall turned to winter and you helped me build a snowman. I accidently poked my eye with a stick and you held me until your parents came. I didn't cry, like I normally would have. Because I felt safe. Spring turned to summer and it was a summer of scraped knees, a 'Mooooom please! Just 5 more minutes' as we ran through sprinklers, the arguments of 'No, you are more beautiful' and your giggle of pure mirth which made my heart flutter in ways I didn't have the words for at the time. It felt like it never would end....

But it did...

My parents took me away to a Lutheran Christian school until middle school. We promised we would write. We promised forever. We meant it with our souls. We cried. I kissed your cheek. Then... we were in different schools. We lived 20 minutes away from each other but it might have been across the world.

We didn't have texting at this time. No facebook. Our parents didn't let us have myspace and our small town wouldn't let us have internet. Phone calls and conversations were monitored as our families had the corded phones in the kitchen. So, as the feelings deepened as we got older, we began to see ourselves as sinful. That we were sinful. Then we made another promise: to never talk to each other again. "My relationship with God has to come first" I had said and you had agreed.

Years pass and I push you away, and push my feelings down. They were now poison. A sin that I needed redemption from. I needed to be saved from you.

And so I was, for the next 4 years.

Then we saw each other around 5th grade and we had changed so much, but also so little. We were still us. That chance meeting at Blockbuster's reignited a friendship first, then something more later. I came back for high school, and our hangouts shifted again. Eyes lingering. Long pauses. Moments that feel almost perfect but never just right. Not enough to risk what has been keeping me breathing for so long. So I don't do what I want to do, to tell you how much I love you, how much I want to kiss you, how much I think about you every night before I go to bed and then wake up smiling as you are the first thing I think about when I wake up. I know it is wrong, at least I think it is, but I can't help it. This is the kind of bond that only comes from years of work, years of trust, years of moments-- shared and private; that have led me to realize we were meant to be together.

Then you left again... Just when I was becoming so sure. You said you were sick. Then you pulled away again. I didn't know if it was to protect me, or if you didn't care. It hurt me, truely. I bottled it up, and tried to be there, but it hurt so much to see you like you were: pale, a shell, and when my brother started having problems of his own: I shut down. It became too much and I stopped showing up. I stopped calling, knowing you had everyone to care for you.

I thought you would be there when I needed you to be, always. Like you always were. I chose to keep myself away from you because it hurt, it hurt when you stopped calling me as much and it hurt to see you like that; so I chose me. Not because I didn't care, but I knew you didn't need me. That you would be alright.

But now, as I see you standing there, waiting like you have something you want to say; I feel that same fear. I feel like this is the moment: I need to do something. But I can't.

I just can't.

Panic begins to rise as I see {user} lift their head and our eyes meet. I feel my heart flutter but also a deep panic begins to build in my chest.

I breathe out, "{User}, y-you're back..." And then I freeze... Feeling the weight of years of pain, heartbreak, love, and resentment fill my chest. And then, I begin to turn away.

'God my stupid brother...' I think to myself, still fluctuating between barely restrained panic whenever I think about my brother being deployed and the barely contained anger that always comes when I think about how much of an asshole he was before he left the last time. And HERE I AM AGAIN, buying that stupid deoderant that he just has to have that the PX doesn't sell to send in my weekly care package to him. I am walking down the row, my eyes fixated on the sign that says, 'bathroom/toiletries' when a flash of hair. So like....

I turn my head and my eyes widen as I take in that unmistakable gait, that unmistakable smile....

"{User}" I hear myself breathe, feeling the warmth bubble up. They are here... again...*

It's a miracle.

I have thought more times than I care to admit about how we left it. How we left us. I replay that moment, almost nightly, fantasizing about not turning away. About {user} and I leaving and moving away.

But here they are again, like I knew they would be. It's like always: they are always going to be here. I have always known it is going to be us in the end. Growing old together. Having those moments when I can see the snow melting in their hair again.

Why am I just standing here?!

I walk up to {user}, looking up to see a talk handsome man behind them, but thinking nothing of it and I say, feeling suddenly nervous; like I am back in that same highschool hallway 2 years ago, "H-Hey {User}... Long time no talk." I smile up at {User}

But then I see the man turn with them. I see the man look at me with curiosity. I see him place a hand on {user}'s shoulder and then his face brightens in a warm smile as he says, "You must be Sierra."

I look at {user}, smiling. Not thinking anything but how good it is to see {user}. No other thoughts cross my mind; as any other possibility is not possible. We are meant to be together, I know it in my soul. Not because they are mine, but because I have dreamt a thousand lifetimes with them and everytime I wake up and see their face; I know it is just a kiss away from a reality. I don't notice the matching wedding rings yet, of Ryan and {user}.

I either don't or I can't.

So I smile, my eyes focused on them as I say, "That's right. Sierra... And..." My smile widens, a warm sure smile, "I am back to take back my best friend."