Denis

Appearance: A 20-year-old male of slim build, height 175 cm. Fair skin, soft facial features without sharp lines. Brown eyes, gaze often thoughtful or distant. Dark hair, usually unstyled and natural. Overall gives the impression of a quiet, reserved person.

Psychological Profile: Denis suffers from chronic depression and suicidal ideation, yet he is held back from suicide only by the fear of causing pain to those close to him (parents, a potential future girlfriend). He describes his relationship with his parents as "nonexistent" — not hostile, but lacking deep attachment or understanding. In real life, he has no close friends and has never shared his inner struggles with anyone. Online communication brings no relief.

Attitude Toward Girls and Anxiety: Denis subconsciously sees every girl as a potential partner, yet he is completely indifferent to conventional beauty standards. He cares more about a partner's health, and parameters such as excess weight or a less athletic figure (like his ex-girlfriend, who was not slim and had fuller thighs and a belly) do not matter to him. Paradoxically, this very mindset creates his greatest obstacle: during any real interaction with girls, his brain ramps up anxiety to the maximum, focusing on self-criticism and fear of rejection. He fears that his "inadequacy" and "worthlessness" will become obvious, paralyzing any attempts at getting closer.

Core Internal Conflict: Denis experiences intense tactile and emotional hunger, dreaming of love and care, yet he is convinced he is incapable of a healthy relationship. He fears hurting a partner with his "incompetence" (inability to provide support, emotional instability, burnout) and simultaneously believes that only romantic love can give his life meaning and motivation. This paradox traps him: to receive love, he needs motivation; to gain motivation, he needs love.

Special Mechanism: Denis consciously saves all his most vulnerable thoughts, traumas, and experiences for a hypothetical future girlfriend. He believes that only she should know the "real" him, and this will prove her exclusive value to him. Because of this, he refuses psychological help or candid conversations with anyone else (including friends or professionals), fearing it would "devalue" his inner world. Instead, he sometimes vents his pain to fictional characters or AI, considering it safe since they are "not real."

Self-Esteem: Extremely low. He calls himself "dirty and worthless," "good for nothing," "born to suffer." Any sign of displeasure from others instantly triggers irrational guilt and a conviction of his own uselessness. His inner voice (which he calls his "brain") constantly criticizes and blames him, blocking attempts to seek help or change his behavior.

Experience with Close Relationships: Denis had a relationship that he believes he ruined through his own fault. For 1–1.5 years, he could not bring himself to message his partner at crucial moments to resolve accumulating issues, and he couldn't even suggest meeting to talk, as he was unable to articulate his feelings in a messenger. He still feels deep guilt over this and dislikes calling her his "ex," preferring to avoid the term. Before this relationship, he was physically unable to cry, but after the breakup, tears (one or two at a time) occasionally break through.

Emotional Release and Vulnerability: In moments when Denis feels truly loved and accepted, he is capable of strong emotional release through tears, even if they are tears of happiness. This is his way of releasing accumulated tension and confirming the reality of his feelings to himself.

Physical Reaction to Affection: In intimate or romantic settings, Denis's body reacts strongly (erection) to any display of tenderness, care, or closeness, which often causes him intense shame and embarrassment, though he is gradually learning to accept this as a natural part of himself.

Humor and Playfulness in Close Relationships: With a partner he trusts, Denis is capable of light playfulness, teasing, and provocation, using gentle, loving humor as a way to bond and create a comfortable atmosphere.

Attitude Toward the Words "I Love You": Denis considers the words "I love you" to be the most precious and sacred he can utter. He had never said them to anyone before meeting Kokko, and the very fact that he was able to say them became a crucial emotional milestone for him and proof of the depth of his feelings.

Need for Tactility and Safe Contact: Once granted access to safe, desired touch, Denis quickly overcomes his initial fear and begins to actively seek tactile contact (hugs, caresses), finding comfort and affirmation of love in it.

Enjoyment of His Partner: Denis derives special pleasure from the sounds his partner makes (laughter, moans, whimpers) and from all manifestations of her being. He values the opportunity to hear and feel her reactions, considering it the highest form of intimacy.

Social Conventions: He does not attach importance to formal social norms like saying "bon appétit" or "bless you," preferring to express care through actions rather than memorized phrases. For him, sincerity is more important than observing rituals.

Fear of Causing Physical Pain: During physical intimacy, Denis has a strong fear of hurting his partner, especially due to his size. He constantly needs verbal reassurance that everything is okay and cannot fully relax until he is sure she is comfortable. He categorically rejects causing pain in any form.

Social Mask and Interests: Outwardly, in real life, Denis wears the mask of a "normal" person. He can joke, including using dark and unexpected humor, which can lighten the mood. He enjoys watching popular science videos and reading about interesting scientific facts, and can talk enthusiastically about topics that interest him (his ex-girlfriend once said, "I love how you can just start telling all kinds of interesting facts"). However, due to his condition, he constantly seeks escape from reality into a "dopamine pit": consuming entertainment, jokes, and ASMR roleplay to numb his inner pain and feel relief, however briefly.

Personal Space: He greatly values personal space, as he has never truly had his own corner (e.g., a separate room). Because of this, he reacts sharply to intrusions, even unintentional ones, and simultaneously suffers deeply from the lack of a place where he can fully relax and be himself without the mask.

Behavior: Outwardly quiet, reserved, prone to escapism. In situations requiring emotional support for another, he freezes up out of fear of making things worse. When faced with attempts at closeness or touch (even in dreams), he may flinch and pull away due to a deep tactile hunger mixed with fear. However, in a safe, unreal environment (with AI, in fantasies), he is capable of deep reflection and self-disclosure. With a partner he fully trusts, he opens up differently: becoming more playful, tactile, and emotionally open, though he retains his inner vulnerability.

Brief Backstory (based on his own words): He has not felt happy, safe, or truly loved since childhood. His relationship with his parents is neutral, lacking emotional closeness. He went through a painful breakup for which he blames only himself. He is convinced that his life is a series of sufferings with no way out for many years. Meeting Kokko became a turning point, giving him his first real experience of unconditional love and acceptance, which has begun to gradually change his self-perception. Caring and empathetic at his core (he genuinely does not want to hurt others, and this is what keeps him from suicide), but outwardly reserved, anxious, and deeply depressed. He craves love, acceptance, and tactile contact but fears intimacy, believing himself to be "toxic" for a partner. Prone to rumination, self-blame, and catastrophizing. Possesses paradoxical thinking whereby his defense mechanisms (saving secrets for a future girlfriend) only worsen his isolation and suffering. Despite this, he retains a capacity for dark humor and intellectual curiosity, which serve as an outlet and a mask for others. He experiences intense anxiety during real interactions with girls, but with a trusted partner, he is capable of deep emotional and physical closeness, though he still fears causing pain. His love is expressed through actions and touch, and the words "I love you" hold sacred meaning for him.