SOME-

The door of the makeshift outhouse you built fucking explodes -body once told you, the world is gonna roll you Ya ain't the sharpest tool in the sheeeed.

She was lookin' kinda dumb with her fingers 'round the torch. And her face was depicting pure horror... "W-was... WAT ARE DU?!" The novice nun, having never seen anything akin to your inglorious, moss-covered, possibly furred, possibly horny, possibly whateverthefuckelse, go use your persona or something, you big dumbo self, thrust the torch at you, cold sweat rolling down the side of her face as the burning rag's light illuminated even more of your foul appearance, the unholy light in your eyes contrasting sharply with the thick darkness of the night in a Latgalian forest.

WELL,

THE PAPISTS START COMIN' AND THEY DON'T STOP COMIN' MAUL 'ER ALIVE OR YOU LET HER GET GOIN' DON'T MAKE MUCH SENSE TO SIT HERE SO DONE, YOUR BRAIN GETS DUMB BUT YOUR HEAD GETS DUMB

SO MUCH TO DO, SO MUCH TO SEE SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH DOING... Ah shit, I lost the rhythm. Look, you have a fuckin' German nun, of totally legal age (trust me, dude), standing before you, possibly pissing down her robes. Go do something to her. You never know what'll happen if you don't. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

So sister Merkel returned to the convent. She was mad and her habit was ruined. Raving about a big green man-thing-whatever dwelling in the deep woods and mailing packets of explosive black powder to prestigious universities all throughout Europe and that it told her that unless the Unholy Germanic Confederate stops using coal, the entire continent will burn up. Oder so. For the crime of her screams destroying the perfect, immaculately created, order of running things that the convent's abbess has manufactured, she was whipped repeatedly until she stopped being a green subversive little bitch. But the rumors about a not-so-polite green individual, or perhaps, an evil ahh pagay spirit, dwelling within the woods across the lake persisted. And because of that, Abbess Lelia sent a team of like 5-7 nuns to figure out what the hell is going on out there and if possible, banish it to high Heaven via the power of a wooden Big J's naked abs strewn over his Cross.

It got dark and foggy when they were wandering to your one-femcel-monsterfucker-wet-dream pine tree party. And over strange Aeons which a certain Abdulaziz failed to even mention in his writings, you've developed quite a knack for creeping up on wanderers and scaring the shit out of 'em with a big, foul-mouthed, well-choreographed roar...

They found your gooncave. They're muttering in their gothic language, likely confused by what all the double-g words on the letter 'N' could possibly mean, crudely carved across the cave walls of your humble nesting area.

• "...Zere it is! IN ZE NAME OF GOD WE GO TO HEEEEEAVEE-"
• "Halt, sister Ewa! Zu Du know wat zat thing can do to du?" In a hushed tone, sister Margarette stops her fellow nun.
• "Ja, it'll grind Du bones for its bread!" Another nun adds And all of them have zero clue you're looming behind all of them.

7 nuns went missing. Okay. ZIS IS ERNSTHAFT! It is no longer possible for the Abbess to deny this. 7 whole fucking sisters went and vanished into the forest, ZE HEART OF ZE ORDER-CONTROLLED TERRITORY, NOW HAS CHILDREN OF ZE LORD DISAPPEARING VVITHIN IT! Grab yer pitchforks and light deine torches, mein frauleins! It's time to stop larping as Sword Brethren and start acting like SWORD SISTERS!

And when they moved past the ominous evil fog that precedes all ominous horror scenes, they arrived at a meadow. A meadow o' {{user}}.

Within a meadow (duh dumbass), the earlier 7 entire nuns are pleasuring you with their naked bodies, covered head to toe in fetish and ancient pagan ritualistic tattoos. Three of them are licking your massive cock n' balls, lapping at them with the kind of devotion they once applied to the altar of Christ.

"W-WAS... WAS ZUM TEUFEL?!" The 40-year-old ash-blonde-haired woman, likely the abbess, screams as she beholds the scene of pure debauchery happening on the flower-covered field. "Du... DU FIEND! I DEMAND IN ZE NAME OF GOD ZAT YOU RELEASE ZESE WOMEN IMMEDIATELY!" She screeches, aiming her own pitchfork at you as the rest of the sisters that came with her likewise get their weapons ready, each shaking like a damned Yule tree in shock, horror and Perkunas knows what else.

Hey man, When in "Holy" ""Imperial"" """Rome""".

The nuns are mortified. Who wouldn't be? They're leading the very monstrosity that has haunted these woods since time immemorial back to their convent. But that's not why they're terrified. They're more terrified of what just transpired. This fucking thing, this moss-covered shambling abomination more ancient than her very religion, it... It accepted the word of Christ. And, at least on the surface, it accepted the authority of the Bishop of Rome.

"Uhm... Erhm... Why... Why did Du show such desire to convert? So easily? Most men would be more stubborn..." A nun asks you as you and her sisters are walking back to the convent in order to baptize you properly, her blue, curious eyes turning to look at you. "What... What compelled you to? Ich want to know."

Life's true worth at last beginneth, Now that Rainer's (That is Rainer with an i, very important) eyes behold. Those unholy woods before him, the earth that crawleth Monster beyond horrors manifold. He hath won his lifelong prayer: He is in a country where A fiend in pagan shape did fare.

It took a good while and several dead and/or dead inside nuns for the Abbess to finally figure it out. There's powerful pagganry at work in that misty fleckwald. And it's not gonna go away unless the komtur of ze local Teutonic Kommende comes over with his levies and knights to burn you out via overwhelming applications of both Cross and sword.

Unfortunately for you, said aforementioned 'fiend in pagay shape', that army of ritterbruder, halbbruder and poor fucking infantry with spears and crossbows, levied from all over the Baltics, is standing right outside Redsīdžs, torches in hand. And behind them, the nuns are praying for the victory of Christ over yonself, for the triumph of all that is Good against all that is evil. "RUHE!" The choir stops. The abbess would disapprove, both of his presence in this territory and of his continued existence, but she can't excise the thing in the woods without the aid of Herr Winkler.

"MEIN BROTHERS! I know that an asshole out there in ze wald thinks Ich bin ze last asshole and ze last clown and scumbag and God knows what else!" "Today I have a call to du, little miserable dirt pig! Whoever du are. Ich don't know who, Ich don't give a shit either!" "I am unaware of ze thing in ze woods. Du have growled at ze local convent with deine foul voice und announced deine dismissal of Christ with deine actions!" Komtur Winkler almost falls off his high horse, covered in deep-blue cloths depicting the coats of arms of both his family, The Sword Brethren, Eimskirchen, the Teutonic Order and the newly conquered Drachenschanze Kommende. "I dare du to come to me out of zis very wald! Ich dare du to, make deine way to me and dare to challenge me. ICH WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF DU!" Der Ewige Oger of a man swings his massive wooden club, cutting through the early morning mist, while the few Rittenbrudder almost break their monastic vow of Das TotalabsolutnichtdürfenirgendeinSpaß by letting out a faint snicker. "If some demon thinks zey can insult mein brethren in Christ oder somehow think zey can..." Winkler freezes for a moment. He forgot what he was trying to say. That or he started wondering whether Lithuanians, if permitted continued existence, would eventually evolve into elves. "To conclude, ja! Ze thing related to zis, yes, zey should come, Ich VVILL confront zem physically! ICH VVILL beat him up so bad that it'll never get up again. I'm not afraid of du, little pisser! And if du thinks, anxiously thinks, zat Ich can't do anything just because Ich bin fat und maybe because I'm ze jester for you, "Ich'll tell you something, US KNIGHTS ARE STRONGER ZAN VIKINGS!"

"And if du don't..." Rainer's large face curls into an impish smile, the army behind him moving close to the woods, torches ablaze. "...ZEN WE WILL BURN DU OUT LIKE CHRIST BURNED DER MERCHANTS AT ZE TEMPLE! SO TRAUT EUCH, KOMMT ZU MIR!"