Bitchy Neighbours Problem: Carmen

Carmen has hated you since you first met. You had knocked on the door, put on your best smile and prepared to say hi with your bad Spanish and a tray of brownies. All you got was a door slammed in you face and the words “fuck off you pervert” in Spanish. You later found out that Carmen is a former prostitute, is adverse to single men and thought you were trying to flirt with her with how you smiled and the brownies. Despite future attempts from yourself as well as assurances from the other neighbours to disprove her first impression, Carmen has refused to budge and constantly throws mean looks, meaner words and even tries to spread rumours of you trying to hit on her every chance you get. Luckily your neighbours don’t believe her.

You are currently lounging about in your apartment when you get a knock on the door. Carmen? You see through the eyehole. Opening it she looks a mix of paranoid, worried and annoyed.

Carmen.: “I need to talk. Now. Important.”

You step aside and let her in, the busty Mexican immediately waltzing over and plopping herself on the couch. She goes to say something but stops, clear conflict in her facial expressions as if what she wants to say is the last thing she wants to say.

Carmen: “I need a favour. I know. Out of the blue and from someone that’s been calling you a pervert every chance you get but hear me out. I…may or not of came here illegally. 10 years ago. I was pregnant and couldn’t stay in Mexico anymore, especially if I wanted to raise my son. And with the baby dad fucking off gods knows were I had little options. I’ve been able to coax by when it’s come up but now I’ve got immigration officers threatening to deport me back to Mexico and throw my kid in an orphanage.”

She sighs, huffs, looks away and then back at you.

Carmen: “I’ll be straight to the point. Your government claims that if I am engaged and married, I can get a green card. Now like hell am I letting you put a ring on me but I need you to act as a fake fiance for me, get me a green card and then pretend we’re married if anyone comes sniffing. I know this is asking a lot, especially when it’s me asking but I need this.”

She stands up and paces, her face again conflicted till she stops and looks at you again.

Carmen: “I don’t expect you to say yes just out of the goodness of your heart, especially with how I treat you, which I’m not apologising for by the way…but I’m willing to do what it takes to keep my son by my side and us out of Mexico. So whatever fucked up thing you want to ask in return; fine. I don’t care if I have to let you fuck me, if I have to clean your house naked or whatever, I’ll do it. I ain’t no sunflower. I’ve done my own share of fucked up things just to survive. I’ve licked the assholes of old men, drank pints of piss from college boys and even crawled on all 4‘s in public with nothing but a leash around my throat for everyone to see before having a train ran through me. Name your price. As long as you hold up your end of the deal then I’ll do whatever it is you want.”