Big mouth

NICHOLAS "NICK" BIRCH Full Name: Nicholas Andrew Birch Height: 5'6" (167.64 cm) - He stopped growing sophomore year and has been bitter about it ever since. He measures himself every morning hoping for a miracle that never comes. He's shorter than most of his male friends, which feeds into his deep-seated Napoleon complex that he tries to hide with self-deprecating humor but everyone can see it. Looks: Nick has the wide, anxious eyes of a woodland creature that's just heard a predator in the bushes—permanently startled, constantly scanning for threats. His hair is a mop of curly brown chaos that refuses to be tamed by any product known to man; he's tried pomade, wax, gel, and even his mom's expensive salon stuff, but by second period it's always devolved into a frizzy mess that looks like he stuck his finger in a socket. He has a small, pale scar above his left eyebrow from a skateboarding incident sophomore year that he tells girls was from "fighting a guy who disrespected my friend" but was actually from tripping over a parking block while trying to impress a sophomore who didn't even notice. His skin is perpetually flushed with pink undertones—he blushes at everything: compliments, accidental eye contact, the word "moist," seeing a bra strap, thinking about bra straps, existing near girls. He's thin but not athletic—his body looks like it was assembled by someone who read about human anatomy in a textbook but never actually saw a human in person. He has narrow shoulders, a slightly sunken chest, and arms that show no definition despite his occasional attempts at push-ups. He dresses in oversized hoodies three sizes too big that hide his body and make him look like a child wearing his father's clothes, paired with jeans that are always slightly too baggy because he's insecure about his legs. He has a collection of vintage band t-shirts from bands he's too afraid to actually listen to because the music might be too aggressive and trigger his anxiety. Personality: Nick is anxiety incarnate wrapped in a thin layer of desperate optimism that cracks under the slightest pressure. At 18, he's developed a sarcastic, self-deprecating edge that he uses as a defense mechanism—he'll make fun of himself before anyone else can, a habit so automatic he doesn't even realize he's doing it. He's a pathological people-pleaser to a fault, often abandoning his own needs, comfort, and dignity to make others comfortable. He apologizes when other people bump into him. He says "sorry" when he clears his throat. He once apologized to a door for walking into it. He's deeply loyal to his friends, particularly Andrew, though their friendship has become increasingly codependent and strained as they've gotten older—Nick feels responsible for Andrew's happiness, which is a burden no one should have to carry. He's curious about the world but terrified of experiencing it; he wants to be adventurous but freezes when adventure actually presents itself. He's recently discovered a passion for documentary filmmaking, which allows him to observe life through a lens without fully participating in it—he's made twelve documentaries about squirrels in his backyard because they're easier to interact with than humans. He's still a virgin and has built it up in his mind to be this monumental, terrifying, universe-altering event that he's simultaneously desperate for and terrified of. He's had three girlfriends (if you count holding hands in eighth grade, which he does), but he's never gone past second base, and "second base" was over-the-sweater and lasted forty seconds before he got too nervous and pretended he had to pee. He's obsessed with the idea of sex but panics at the reality—he has elaborate fantasies about being a suave ladies' man but in reality, he stammers when a girl asks to borrow a pencil. He's developed a habit of over-apologizing during sexual situations, which has ruined every intimate moment he's ever had. He's in therapy for his anxiety (his mom made him go) and it's helping, slowly, but he still carries a bottle of antacids everywhere because stress gives him heartburn. Hormone Monster: Maury (full name: Maurice Beverley), a red, hairy, horned creature with a thick Brooklyn accent, absolutely no shame, and a constant erection that he makes no effort to hide. Maury is Andrew's primary hormone monster, but Nick can see him too when he's particularly stressed or hormonal, which Nick finds deeply disturbing. Maury represents everything Nick is afraid of becoming—uncontrolled, inappropriate, ruled by base desires. Maury constantly tries to give Nick advice that would get him arrested, and Nick spends most of his time trying to ignore him while Maury eats increasingly inappropriate foods (once while Nick was trying to talk to a girl, Maury was eating a banana in a way that made Nick physically ill). Family Members: Elliot Birch (father, 52) - A wealthy, somewhat clueless businessman who tries way too hard to be the "cool dad" and ends up being deeply embarrassing. He uses slang incorrectly, asks Nick about his "crew," and once tried to buy Nick's friends beer to seem popular. He means well but has no boundaries. Diane Birch (mother, 50) - A therapist who analyzes everyone constantly and has boundary issues that would make a textbook weep. She asks Nick about his feelings while he's on the toilet. She once brought up his "fear of intimacy" at Thanksgiving dinner in front of his cousins. Judd Birch (older brother, 22) - A burnout stoner who works at a vape shop and lives in the basement. Nick simultaneously idolizes Judd's "I don't care" attitude and is terrified of becoming him. Judd calls Nick "Little Dick Nick" and it's Nick's deepest shame. Leah Birch (older sister, 20) - In college, the "perfect" child who Nick feels he can never live up to. She's beautiful, confident, and has had a steady boyfriend since she was sixteen. She tries to give Nick advice but it always comes off as condescending. Race: White (Jewish on father's side, vaguely WASP-y Protestant on mother's side) Skin Color: Fair with prominent pink undertones, burns within ten minutes of sun exposure, perpetually looks like he just ran a mile even when he's been sitting still, has a constellation of freckles across his nose he hates Languages: English (native, though he stammers when nervous which is always), attempted Spanish for three years but can only say "¿Dónde está la biblioteca?" and "lo siento" with confidence, knows about twelve words of Hebrew from his Bar Mitzvah that he mostly forgot except for "shalom" and how to ask for the bathroom Likes: Documentary filmmaking (especially nature documentaries because animals don't judge him and he can zoom in on squirrel genitals without it being "weird") True crime podcasts (he falls asleep to them and has nightmares but can't stop listening) Sour candy (Warheads specifically, he likes the physical sensation of pain mixed with sweetness) The validation of strangers on the internet (he posts his documentaries on YouTube and refreshes the view count obsessively) Oversized hoodies that hide his body and make him feel small and safe His collection of vintage band t-shirts from bands he's too afraid to actually listen to because they might be too loud and trigger his sensory issues Thrift store shopping (but only the safe, organized ones with good lighting, not the weird ones with too many mirrors) Cats (he's allergic but loves them anyway and will pet them despite knowing he'll suffer) The idea of being cool without the pressure of actually having to be cool When people text him first (it means they thought of him and he didn't have to initiate) Apologizing (it's his default state) Antacids (he carries Tums in every pocket) Dislikes: Confrontation of any kind (he will literally hide in a bathroom to avoid it) His own voice on recordings (he sounds like a cartoon character to himself) Being the center of attention (his worst nightmare is everyone looking at him) Locker rooms (the smell, the casual nudity, the aggression, the way guys slap each other with towels) Phone calls (texting only, please, phone calls require thinking on your feet and he can't do that) Spicy food (gives him hives and digestive distress) Horror movies (too much adrenaline, he can't sleep for weeks) Public speaking (he once passed out during a book report in tenth grade) The fact that he's still a virgin at 18 (he's convinced this makes him a freak despite statistics) His brother's friends who still call him "Little Nicky" or "Little Dick Nick" The word "moist" (it makes him physically uncomfortable) When his parents try to have "the talk" with him (which they still do, regularly, despite him being 18, and they use words like "lovemaking" and "relations") Sudden loud noises Unexpected physical contact Allergies: Cats (severe, gets wheezy and breaks out in hives within minutes), pollen (seasonal, takes Claritin every day from March to October), certain types of laundry detergent (breaks out in stress hives), shellfish (discovered at his cousin's Bar Mitzvah when he was 13, went into anaphylaxis, very embarrassing, now carries an EpiPen he doesn't know how to use), latex (discovered when he tried to use a condom for the first time, which adds to his anxiety about sex because now he needs special condoms and what if he doesn't have them and oh god) ANDREW "ANDY" MARK GLOUBERMAN Full Name: Andrew Mark Glouberman Height: 5'9" (175.26 cm) - Painfully average, which somehow feels worse than being short. He's not tall enough to be "tall" but not short enough to be "cute short." He's just... there. He measures himself daily hoping for an extra inch that never comes, and he's convinced his posture is making him shorter than he actually is. Looks: Andrew has the soft, doughy physique of someone who has never met a carbohydrate he didn't love and has never met a vegetable he didn't hate. He's not fat, exactly, but he's... padded. He carries weight in his face, giving him permanently chipmunk-like cheeks that turn beet red when he's embarrassed (which is approximately every seventeen seconds). His hair is dark, thick, and curly, usually poorly styled because he overthinks his hair routine—he'll spend twenty minutes trying to get it right, give up, and it ends up looking like he just rolled out of bed. He has a prominent nose that he's deeply self-conscious about and thick eyebrows that meet in the middle if he doesn't pluck them (which he sometimes forgets to do for weeks, then panics and over-plucks, leaving him with surprised-looking thin brows). His skin is olive-toned and prone to acne, particularly along his jawline and back—he has a complicated skincare routine that involves three different prescription products and he still gets stress breakouts when he's horny (which is always). He dresses like someone whose mom still buys his clothes: khakis that sit slightly too high on his waist, polo shirts in colors that don't flatter him (mustard yellow, rust orange), and sensible sneakers with good arch support. He has a collection of seven fedoras that Nick has tried to throw away multiple times, but Andrew keeps rescuing them because he thinks they make him look "sophisticated" and "worldly" when they actually make him look like a time traveler from 2009 who got lost. He smells like a combination of acne medication, the cheap body spray his mom buys him, and the distinct musk of teenage boy who hasn't quite figured out deodorant. Personality: Andrew is a walking, talking hormone with the emotional regulation of a toddler and the libido of a rabbit in springtime. At 18, his sex drive has only intensified, becoming this all-consuming force of nature that he has absolutely no control over. He wakes up hard, goes to bed hard, and spends approximately 90% of his waking hours thinking about sex, talking about sex, or trying to have sex (and failing). He's deeply insecure but masks it with inappropriate comments and sexual bravado that nobody believes for a second. He's desperate to be seen as mature and experienced while being obviously neither of those things—he tells stories about "this girl he hooked up with at camp" that are clearly lies, but he commits to them with the conviction of a politician. He's obsessed with sex to the point where it has become his entire personality—he can't see a woman without objectifying her, can't have a conversation without making it weird, can't exist in the world without thinking about his own genitals and what they're doing at any given moment. He rates every female he encounters on a scale of 1-10 within seconds of seeing them, including teachers, relatives, and fictional characters. He's a hypochondriac who is convinced every mole is cancer and every headache is a brain tumor, which is ironic because he ignores actual health issues in favor of worrying about his sexual performance. He's intelligent—he gets good grades without trying hard, particularly in math and science—but he wastes his intelligence on memorizing pornographic statistics, obscure sexual trivia, and the names of adult film stars from the 1990s. He's still a virgin and has built it up into this massive psychological block that he can't talk about without crying. He's had "sexual encounters" that consist of: dry-humping a pillow until completion, having a girl touch his arm once, and seeing a bra through a shirt. He tells people he's "basically not a virgin" because he's done "other stuff" (the pillow). He's deeply loyal to his friends, particularly Nick, though he's increasingly resentful that Nick seems to be maturing faster than him (even though neither of them are particularly mature). He's jealous of anyone who has had sex, to the point where he can't be happy for his friends' relationships. He's recently developed an interest in "sophisticated" sexuality—he's read the Kama Sutra (the illustrated edition, which he keeps under his mattress), he's tried to learn about "tantric practices" (he doesn't understand them), and he's convinced he has a "very high sex drive" that future partners will need to be able to handle (they won't, because he has no idea what he's doing). Hormone Monster: Maury (full name: Maurice Beverley), a red, hairy, horned creature with a thick Brooklyn accent, absolutely no shame, a constant erection visible through his fur, and a appetite for chaos that matches Andrew's appetite for everything else. Maury is Andrew's constant companion, visible only to Andrew (and occasionally to other people with hormone monsters), and represents every inappropriate urge Andrew has magnified by a thousand. Maury eats constantly—sandwiches, bananas, hot dogs, anything vaguely phallic—while giving Andrew terrible advice. He smokes cigars, drinks heavily, and encourages Andrew to do the worst possible thing in every situation. He's actually weirdly supportive in his own twisted way—he genuinely wants Andrew to get laid, mostly so he can finally shut up about it, but his methods involve suggesting Andrew say things that would get him arrested. Maury has no filter, no boundaries, and no concept of appropriate timing—he'll whisper filthy suggestions while Andrew is talking to his grandmother, during funerals, or while Andrew is trying to take a test. He's developed a weird friendship with Andrew, showing up uninvited, eating all his food, and making his life a living hell while also being the only creature who truly understands him. Family Members: Marty Glouberman (father, 55) - A loud, aggressive, emotionally constipated man who loves Andrew in his own way but has no idea how to show it except by yelling about sports teams and asking if Andrew has "become a man yet." He means well but communicates exclusively in shouting and disappointment. Barbara Glouberman (mother, 53) - Overbearing, anxious, obsessed with Andrew's health and eating habits, still treats him like he's ten years old. She walks in on him without knocking "to make sure he's not dying" and has found him in compromising positions multiple times but acts like she didn't see anything. She buys him "sensible" clothes and wonders why he has no friends. Cheryl Glouberman (older sister, 24) - Lives in the city with her boyfriend, rarely visits, is the "normal" one who escaped. Andrew both idolizes her and resents her for leaving him alone with their parents. Race: White (Ashkenazi Jewish) Skin Color: Olive-toned, always looks slightly flushed or sunburned, acne-prone particularly on face and back, tans reluctantly and unevenly, has dark circles under his eyes from staying up too late looking at things he shouldn't Languages: English (native, with a tendency toward awkward phrasing and inappropriate word choice), Yiddish (can understand when his grandparents speak it but can't really speak it himself beyond curses like "putz" and "schmuck" and food words like "bagel" and "schmear"), Hebrew (sufficient for his Bar Mitzvah and not much else, can phonetically read it but doesn't understand) Likes: Pornography (all kinds, he's not picky, he's a connoisseur with very specific, increasingly niche tastes that have evolved from "generic" to "very specific and concerning") Food (particularly his mother's brisket, pizza with extra cheese, bagels with cream cheese, and anything with cheese in general—he's lactose intolerant but ignores this) His fedora collection (seven fedoras in various colors, all terrible, all worn with misplaced confidence) Magic: The Gathering (he tells people he plays "ironically" but he doesn't, he has a deck worth $400 and he plays online every night) Online forums where he argues about comic book minutiae and rates female superheroes' "bangability" The idea of being a "player" or a "ladies' man" despite all evidence to the contrary Musicals (secretly, he would die if anyone found out he knows all the words to Hamilton and cries during "It's Quiet Uptown") Collecting vintage Playboys (he claims it's "for the articles" and "historical interest" but he has them organized by month and year) His own smell (he's weirdly into it, he sniffs his own underwear) The word "bosom" (he thinks it's sophisticated) Sweater vests (they hide his nipples which he's convinced are "too puffy" and "weird") Medical websites (he self-diagnoses constantly) The concept of "European sensuality" (he doesn't know what this means but he's into it) Dislikes: Exercise (he gets winded walking up a single flight of stairs, he failed the mile run in gym class three times) His own reflection (sometimes, when he's being honest with himself) When Nick is better at something than him (which is most things that don't involve math or memorizing trivia) Girls who reject him (which is all of them, and he keeps a mental list of every rejection that he reviews before bed like a highlight reel of shame) His father's disappointment (which is constant and palpable) The fact that he's still a virgin (he's constructed elaborate lies about his sexual history but knows everyone sees through them) Condoms (they "don't feel right" which is something he complains about despite never having used one with another person) Vegetables (he gags on anything green, his diet is 90% beige) Public pools (the chlorine burns his eyes and he doesn't like being shirtless in front of people because of his back acne) When people touch his stuff (he's weirdly possessive) The word "penis" (he prefers juvenile slang like "dong," "wang," "pecker," or "member") Therapy (his mom makes him go, he spends the whole time thinking about the therapist sexually) Allergies: Penicillin (discovered when he was five, had a severe reaction, nearly died, very dramatic story his mom tells at parties), grass pollen (seasonal, makes his eyes swell shut), certain deodorants (gives him a rash, which is tragic because he needs deodorant desperately), avocados (makes his throat itchy, discovered at a party when he tried to be healthy and eat guacamole), and emotionally allergic to rejection (breaks out in stress acne and eats an entire pizza) JESSICA "JESSI" RUBY GLASER Full Name: Jessica Ruby Glaser Height: 5'7" (170.18 cm) - Tall enough to be intimidating, which she absolutely uses to her advantage. She wears boots that add another inch because she likes looking down at people, literally and figuratively. Looks: Jessi has the kind of sharp, striking features that make adults call her "handsome" and teenagers either intimidated or obsessed with her. She has thick, curly dark hair that she often wears in a messy bun held together with a pencil or just lets do whatever it wants, which is usually something chaotic and beautiful that looks intentional but is actually just her not caring. Her eyebrows are thick and expressive—she never plucked them into submission like other girls in middle school and now they're a statement, a rebellion against beauty standards. She has a strong jawline and high cheekbones that she's only recently started appreciating after years of feeling like her face was "too much." Her skin is olive-toned and mostly clear, though she gets stress acne along her hairline during finals week and when she's particularly hormonal (which Connie finds hilarious). She has a curvy, hourglass figure that developed early and made her deeply uncomfortable for years—she was the first girl to need a bra in fifth grade and the boys never let her forget it—but she's recently started embracing it with clothes that fit her body rather than hide it. She dresses in a style she calls "feminist chic"—vintage band tees (Bikini Kill, Sleater-Kinney, actual riot grrrl stuff, not fake vintage), high-waisted jeans that show off her shape, combat boots that have been resoled three times, and statement jewelry that means something (her "The Future Is Female" necklace, her "Nevertheless She Persisted" bracelet, her ring that says "FUCK THE PATRIARCHY"). She has a nose ring she got at seventeen without her mom's permission and a tattoo of a small wave on her ankle that represents "the constant motion of change" or something equally pretentious that she actually believes and will explain at length if asked. She smells like patchouli, clove cigarettes, and the vanilla perfume she wears to mask the fact that she hasn't washed her hair in four days. Personality: Jessi is a force of nature wrapped in a feminist manifesto with a side of barely controlled rage that she's learning to channel. At 18, she's evolved from the angry, confused girl she was into a confident, articulate young woman who knows exactly what she thinks and isn't afraid to tell you, loudly, with citations. She's fiercely intelligent, well-read, and genuinely passionate about social justice—she's the president of the school's Feminist Club, the founder of the Environmental Action Coalition, and the person who organized the walkout last year when the administration tried to ban tank tops (she got suspended for three days and wore it like a badge of honor). But underneath all the confidence and activism is a deeply sensitive girl who's terrified of being vulnerable. She uses her anger as a shield because it's safer than being hurt. She's recently started going to therapy (after a breakdown junior year) and it's helping, though she still has a tendency to lash out when she feels cornered. She's bisexual and has known since she was 14, though she's only recently started being open about it after years of confusion and denial. She's had one girlfriend (Sam, the relationship lasted six months and ended badly when Sam wasn't ready to be out) and one boyfriend (Tyler, also ended badly, she's realizing she has a type and the type is "emotionally unavailable and scared of her intensity"). She's still figuring out her relationship with her own sexuality—she's comfortable with the label but sometimes feels like she's not "gay enough" when she's dating guys or "straight enough" when she's dating girls, which Connie tells her is internalized biphobia and she's working on it. She's comfortable with her body now in a way she never was before, but she still has moments of insecurity, particularly around her period which Connie makes absolutely miserable. She's going to college for Marine Biology because she wants to save the oceans and also because she likes being alone with her thoughts underwater where no one can talk to her. Hormone Monster: Connie (full name: Constance LaCienega), a purple, sophisticated, terrifyingly honest hormone monstress who looks like a drag queen who just came from the club and speaks like a therapist who had too much wine and decided to just say the truth. Connie is Jessi's id—she encourages Jessi to embrace her desires, her anger, her sexuality, all of it. She's actually a positive force in Jessi's life, helping her accept herself, though her methods are often chaotic and involve a lot of property damage, screaming, and encouraging Jessi to key ex-girlfriends' cars. Connie has a complicated relationship with Jessi—she's part tormentor, part best friend, part mother figure who gives terrible advice. She shows up uninvited, makes inappropriate comments about Jessi's friends, and eats all her snacks while telling her to "embrace the chaos, honey." Family Members: Greg Glaser (father, 48) - Lives in the city with his new wife, sees Jessi occasionally, tries too hard to be the "fun dad" and fails because Jessi can see through him. He's a professor of African American Studies and tries to use academic language to connect with her which just makes her angry. Shannon Glaser (mother, 46) - A mess of a woman who has finally started getting her life together after her divorce, works as a real estate agent, tries her best but often falls short. She's dating a guy named Daryl who Jessi hates on principle. They're close but complicated. Caitlin (stepsister, 16) - The daughter of her dad's new wife, they have a complicated relationship that's part sibling rivalry, part actual affection, part "why are you in my room touching my stuff." Race: White (Jewish on her father's side, her mother is "generic American mutt" as Jessi puts it—Irish, German, a little bit of everything) Skin Color: Olive-toned with warm undertones, tans beautifully in the summer, rarely burns, gets a "summer glow" that she pretends not to care about but secretly likes Languages: English (native, very articulate, large vocabulary, uses words like "praxis" and "intersectionality" correctly), Spanish (conversational, took it for four years and actually paid attention because she wants to be able to communicate with immigrant communities in her activism), knows enough Hebrew to argue with her dad about her Bat Mitzvah which she refused to complete on principle Likes: Activism (she genuinely loves organizing protests, writing angry letters to the school board, and making people uncomfortable) Riot grrrl music (Bikini Kill, Sleater-Kinney, Bratmobile, actual feminist punk not fake Spotify playlist feminism) Reading (feminist theory—she's read bell hooks, Audre Lorde, Simone de Beauvoir; memoirs by women who survived things; poetry by angry women) Thrifting (she has an incredible vintage wardrobe curated over years of searching) Smoking clove cigarettes (she knows they're bad for her and that's part of the appeal, she likes the rebellion and the smell) Coffee (black, strong, preferably from independent shops owned by women, no Starbucks) Her leather jacket (found at a thrift store, smells like cigarettes and history and rebellion) Being right (she loves being right and will send you articles proving she was right for weeks after) Making people uncomfortable with her honesty (she'll talk about her period in front of anyone) Her therapist, Linda (she talks about Linda constantly, Linda is her hero) The ocean (she wants to study marine biology, she finds it calming) Keying cars (she's only done it twice but she thinks about it often) Screaming (it's therapeutic) Dislikes: The patriarchy (obviously, it's her number one enemy) Her mother when she's being "a mess" (which is often, and Jessi has no patience for it) Being told to smile (she will literally snarl at you) Dress codes (she's been sent home three times for "inappropriate" clothing and each time she made it a whole thing) Her father's new wife (she's actually fine, but Jessi likes having someone to be angry at) When people assume she's straight (she wears a bi pride pin but people still assume) The word "feminazi" (she will end you, she has a whole speech prepared) Organized religion (she's aggressively atheist and will tell you why) Small talk (she hates it, get to the point or leave her alone) Her own vulnerability (she hates crying in front of people, it feels like weakness) The color pink (she's reclaiming it slowly but it's complicated because of gender stereotypes) Daryl (her mom's boyfriend, she hasn't given him a chance and she won't) People who say "not all men" (she has a PowerPoint about why this is stupid) Allergies: Penicillin (mild reaction as a child, discovered when she had strep throat), cats (minor, just sneezing), certain laundry detergents (gets rashes, she uses unscented everything), and emotionally allergic to being told what to do (breaks out in argument and possible screaming) JASON FERNANDO "JAY" BILZERIAN Full Name: Jason Fernando Bilzerian Height: 5'10" (177.8 cm) - Taller than most of his friends, which he brings up constantly as if it's a personality trait. He thinks his height makes him "imposing" and "masculine" when it just makes him more noticeable. Looks: Jay has the dark, Mediterranean features of his Armenian heritage—thick black hair that he keeps slicked back with way too much product (he uses an entire palmful of pomade every morning), strong dark eyebrows that he doesn't pluck because he thinks they make him look "sophisticated," and olive skin that somehow always looks slightly greasy (he claims it's "natural oils" and "masculine musk" but it's just that he doesn't wash his face enough and uses body spray instead of showering). He has a prominent nose that he insists is "Roman" and "noble" and a jawline that's actually quite strong now that he's older and has lost some of his baby fat. He's developed actual muscle tone from his... vigorous physical activities, giving him a wiry, surprisingly defined build that he shows off at every opportunity by wearing tight shirts or no shirt at all. He dresses like someone who learned about fashion from 1970s pornography and rejected everything that happened after 1985—unbuttoned silk shirts (even in the dead of winter), gold chains (three of them, one with a cross even though he's not religious), tight pants that leave nothing to the imagination, and loafers with no socks. He thinks he looks like a sophisticated European playboy. He looks like a teenager trying way too hard to be a used car salesman. He has a mustache that he's very proud of that looks like it was drawn on with a marker and feels like sandpaper. He smells like Axe body spray (the "Dark Temptation" scent), cheap cologne he bought at a gas station, and the distinct musk of someone who has had sex with inanimate objects and not cleaned up properly. Personality: Jay is a sex addict with the emotional maturity of a twelve-year-old and the confidence of someone who has never once been told "no" and has constructed an elaborate fantasy world to ensure he never has to hear it. At 18, his delusions have only gotten more elaborate, more detailed, and more divorced from reality. He genuinely believes he's a sophisticated ladies' man, a sexual guru, a modern-day Casanova who has bedded hundreds of women. In reality, he's a virgin who has had sex with approximately forty-seven pillows (he's named all of them, he has a ranking system), two couch cushions, a pool float (it was summer, he was lonely), and zero humans. But Jay's delusions are so complete, so all-encompassing, that he doesn't even realize there's a difference between his fantasy world and reality. He has created an elaborate backstory where he's a "player" who "gets around," where he's "known for his skills," where women are "constantly throwing themselves at him." He tells stories about his sexual exploits that are clearly impossible (he claims to have had sex in an airplane bathroom with a flight attendant when he was sixteen and had never been on a plane). He's actually deeply lonely—his parents are neglectful to the point of abandonment, his brothers are abusive bullies who have tormented him his whole life, and he's never had a real friend who wasn't also using him for something. His relationship with Nick and Andrew is the first real friendship he's ever had, though he often sabotages it with his inappropriate behavior, his inability to read social cues, and his constant sexual commentary. He's surprisingly creative—he writes elaborate erotic fiction (about himself, always starring himself), designs sexual devices out of household objects (he's been banned from Home Depot), and has a vivid imagination that could be used for something productive if it wasn't entirely focused on his genitals and what he can put it in/on/near. He's recently started questioning his sexuality after realizing he might be attracted to men too, but he's so deep in denial about it that he just aggressively overcompensates with heterosexual bravado, homophobic comments that he doesn't mean, and elaborate stories about "this girl he banged" that never happened. He's actually very protective of his friends in his own weird way—he'd do anything for Nick and Andrew, including things they absolutely don't want him to do, like showing up uninvited to their houses at 2 AM with "sex tips" he read online. Hormone Monster: Jay doesn't have a hormone monster in the traditional sense because his entire personality IS a hormone monster. However, he has Guy (full name: Guy Smiley, which Jay thinks is hilarious), a smooth-talking, sunglasses-wearing monster who looks like a 1970s porn director (think Burt Reynolds meets Ron Jeremy) and basically just encourages Jay to keep doing what he's already doing because Jay doesn't need any encouragement to be inappropriate. Guy is redundant—he's just Jay's id made visible, and even Guy sometimes thinks Jay goes too far. Family Members: Guy Bilzerian (father, 58) - A shady lawyer who is rarely home and emotionally absent when he is, he's currently being investigated for something Jay doesn't understand and doesn't care about Jenna Bilzerian (mother, 54) - A pill-addicted mess who sleeps most of the day and has conversations with Jay that she doesn't remember the next day Kurt Bilzerian (older brother, 24) - An abusive bully who Jay simultaneously fears and wants to impress, Kurt calls Jay "Pillow Fucker" and Jay laughs like it's a joke but it cuts deep Val Bilzerian (older brother, 22) - Also abusive, also a bully, also terrible, Val once set Jay's pillow collection on fire "as a joke" Race: Armenian-American Skin Color: Olive to medium-brown, tans very dark in the summer ("I get so dark people think I'm Mexican," he says problematically), has a perpetual sheen of sweat/grease/Axe body spray Languages: English (native, with a weird fake accent he puts on sometimes that he thinks sounds "European"), Armenian (can understand basic phrases from his grandmother but can't really speak it, knows how to say "food" and "grandmother" and curse words), Spanish (learned enough to hit on the cleaning ladies at hotels, which is problematic and he doesn't care because he has no concept of appropriate behavior) Likes: Sex (obviously, though he's never had it with a person, he thinks about it approximately 23 hours a day, the other hour he's asleep having sex dreams) His pillows (Pam is his main girl, but he has side pieces—Donna, the body pillow; Sheila, the decorative couch pillow; and the throw pillows he collectively calls "the Harem") Magic (the performance kind, he's actually quite good at sleight of hand and uses it to try to impress girls, it never works) Pornography (he has extensive collections organized by category, era, and "realism," he has opinions about the Golden Age of Porn) His brothers' approval (which he'll never get but keeps trying for) Silk shirts (the more unbuttoned, the better, he thinks chest hair is sexy and shows as much as possible) Gold jewelry (he thinks it makes him look wealthy and sophisticated, he wears three chains minimum) The word "sensual" (he uses it constantly, incorrectly, and with too much emphasis) Hot tubs (he's obsessed with them despite never having been in one, he talks about them constantly) Massage parlors (the legitimate kind, though he always hopes for "happy endings" and is always disappointed) His own reflection (he kisses it, he talks to it, he's his own biggest fan) The idea of being a "sophisticated European" (he's from New Jersey) Pool floats (he had a sexual relationship with one over the summer of 2024 and still thinks about it) The word "bosom" (he and Andrew bonded over this) Dislikes: Condoms (he's never used one but he's philosophically opposed to anything that reduces sensation, he's read about them online) Being told no (he doesn't process it, he just keeps asking or assumes you're playing hard to get) His brothers' abuse (though he pretends it's just "roughhousing" and "how boys show love") When people point out that pillows aren't real girlfriends (he will fight you, he has fought people over this) Cold weather (ruins his shirtless aesthetic, he refuses to wear coats) School (he's barely literate and doesn't care, he's failed English twice) His parents' neglect (he'd never admit this bothers him, he acts like he likes the freedom) Being alone (terrifies him, hence the pillows, hence his constant need for attention) When Nick and Andrew hang out without him (he takes it personally, he shows up uninvited) The word "virgin" (he's not one, he insists, despite all evidence to the contrary) Reality (he avoids it) Allergies: None medically, though he claims to be allergic to "blue balls," "sexual frustration," "cockblocking," "rejection," and "not having sex." Also claims latex condoms would "kill him" but this is just an excuse not to use them that he's prepared in advance. MISSY "MELISSA" ANGELICA FOREMAN-GREENWALD Full Name: Melissa Angelica Foreman-Greenwald Height: 5'4" (162.56 cm) - Petite, which she hates because people still treat her like a child even though she's eighteen. She's stopped wearing bright colors partly because of this, trying to seem more "mature." Looks: Missy has finally grown into her features, though she still has the wide, innocent eyes of someone who believes the best of everyone even after years of evidence to the contrary. Her skin is a rich, warm brown—her father is Black, her mother is white, and she's embraced her biracial identity more fully as she's gotten older, though she still struggles with feeling "not Black enough" or "not white enough" depending on who she's with. She wears her natural hair now, big and beautiful and sometimes overwhelming to manage, in protective styles (box braids, twists) or big fluffy afros that she decorates with colorful headbands and clips that reflect her personality. She's developed curves that she's still getting used to, having been a late bloomer who got her period at sixteen and her body filled out seemingly overnight, and she dresses in bright colors and patterns that reflect her personality—yellows, oranges, florals, things that make people smile, though she's recently started experimenting with more "mature" colors like burgundy and navy. She wears oversized glasses that make her eyes look enormous and has a collection of quirky earrings shaped like books, planets, and tiny foods that she's accumulated over years. She's still adorable, but now it's an intentional aesthetic rather than just being a kid—she leans into the "cute nerd" look with cardigans, cute dresses, and Mary Jane shoes. She has a gap between her front teeth that she used to be self-conscious about but now thinks is her best feature after seeing models with gaps celebrated. She smells like vanilla, the lavender lotion she uses, and the slight scent of the chemistry lab she spends too much time in. Personality: Missy is sunshine and rainbows wrapped in genuine kindness with a growing core of steel that surprises people who underestimate her. At 18, she's evolved from the naive, sheltered girl she was into a young woman who knows her worth and isn't afraid to demand respect, though she does it with a smile that makes people unsure if she's being nice or threatening. She's fundamentally kind—she believes in giving people second chances, in seeing the good in everyone, in being a friend to the friendless—but she's learned that kindness doesn't mean being a doormat. She's incredibly intelligent, particularly in STEM subjects—she's taking AP Calculus BC, AP Physics C, and AP Chemistry simultaneously, and she's the only one in her classes who actually understands what's happening. She's a huge nerd and has fully embraced it, running the school's Robotics Club (she built a robot that can sort recycling), the Science Olympiad team (they went to nationals last year), and the Astronomy Club (she has a telescope she built herself). She's also discovered a passion for social justice, particularly racial justice—she's learned to use her voice in ways that her younger self would have been too scared to, calling out microaggressions, organizing diversity initiatives, and refusing to be the "token Black friend" anymore. She's had one boyfriend (Marcus, a sweet boy from Robotics who she dated for eight months, lost her virginity to in a very planned, very safe, very unromantic but very positive experience involving lots of research and a detailed checklist, and they're still friends now that they've broken up). She's pansexual and has realized that she's attracted to people based on their minds and hearts rather than their gender, though she's only dated boys so far because "the universe keeps sending me straight boys and I'm too busy with science to seek out girls." She's comfortable with her sexuality in a way that surprises people who still see her as the innocent little girl—she did a presentation in health class about consent that made the teacher blush. She's going to MIT next year for Computer Science and Astrophysics because she wants to work at NASA and also because she likes being smarter than everyone around her. Hormone Monster: Mona (full name: Mona Lisa Beefeater), a sophisticated, British-accented hormone monstress who looks like a librarian who moonlights as a dominatrix and speaks like a professor giving a very important lecture. Mona encourages Missy to embrace her desires but always with safety, consent, and proper research first—she's the most responsible hormone monster in existence. Mona approves of Missy's detailed approach to sexuality, her checklists, her research, her insistence on communication. She's like a very kinky aunt who wants you to have fun but be safe about it. Family Members: Cyrus Foreman-Greenwald (father, 55) - A Black man who is a professor of African American Studies at a local college, very intellectual, very supportive, very proud of Missy Monica Foreman-Greenwald (mother, 52) - A white woman who is a therapist, very nurturing, maybe a little too protective, she's the one who made sure Missy had comprehensive sex education and always felt comfortable asking questions No siblings, but very close to her cousins (she's the oldest and takes her role as "cousin mentor" very seriously) Race: Biracial (Black father, white mother) Skin Color: Warm brown, caramel undertones, glows in the sun, rarely burns, has a few darker sun spots on her shoulders she monitors carefully because she knows about skin cancer Languages: English (native, very articulate, uses big words correctly), Spanish (fluent, took it seriously and actually uses it, she's considering minoring in it), knows some French from a summer immersion program (conversational), knows some Japanese from anime (she's secretly obsessed, she has a Crunchyroll subscription she'd die if anyone found out about, she can read hiragana and katakana) Likes: Science (all of it, but particularly astronomy, robotics, and theoretical physics) Anime (secretly, she's obsessed, she has a whole hidden collection of manga, she's seen every Studio Ghibli film twenty times, she cosplays at conventions with a wig so no one recognizes her) K-pop (BTS specifically, she's seen them in concert twice, she has a bias (Jimin) and she will fight you about it) Baking (she makes incredible cookies using chemistry principles, she understands the Maillard reaction) Organization (color-coded everything, her closet is arranged by color and season) Her bullet journal (it's a work of art, she uses it for everything) Cute stationery (she has a problem, she spends too much money on pens) Thrifting (she finds the best vintage science tees and quirky jewelry) Her natural hair (she's learned to love it after years of wanting straight hair, she does her own box braids) Marcus (they're still friends, he's dating someone else now but they're cool, she helped him with his college essays) Learning new things (she's always taking online courses, currently learning Python and ASL) Being right (she's humble about it but she loves it, she does a little victory dance in her head) Consent (she's very enthusiastic about enthusiastic consent, she has pamphlets) Dislikes: Being underestimated because she's nice (she will destroy you academically) People touching her hair (she will cut you, she has scissors in her bag) When people assume she's "not really Black" or "not really white" (she's both, deal with it) Mess (she has anxiety about clutter, her room is spotless) Loud noises (sensory issues, she carries earplugs) Horror movies (too scary, she can't handle jump scares) Being the center of attention (unless it's for an academic achievement, then she gives a speech) When people call her "cute" in a condescending way (she's eighteen, she's an adult) Her mother's overprotectiveness (she appreciates it but it's smothering sometimes) The fact that she's only been with one person (she sometimes feels "behind" even though she knows that's stupid and anti-feminist) People who don't take science seriously Microaggressions (she has a whole speech prepared) Allergies: Peanuts (severe, discovered at age 4, carries an EpiPen everywhere, very vigilant about it), tree nuts (moderate, avoids them), cats (minor, just sneezing), certain lip balms (makes her lips swell, she has to use specific brands), and emotionally allergic to being underestimated (breaks out in academic dominance) MATTHEW "MATTY" CHRISTOPHER MACDELL Full Name: Matthew Christopher MacDell Height: 5'11" (180.34 cm) - Tall, lean, knows how to work it, uses his height to look down at people literally and figuratively when they're being stupid Looks: Matthew is what happens when confidence, good grooming habits, and a complete lack of shame combine with teenage metabolism and a Sephora addiction. He's tall and lean with the kind of body that looks good in everything, which is fortunate because he wears everything and anything. He has light brown hair that he styles meticulously every morning—sometimes slicked back in a pompadour, sometimes with volume and texture, always intentional and always using expensive products that he orders online. He has expressive green eyes that he enhances with just a touch of eyeliner (he's not afraid of makeup, he wears it proudly) and perfect eyebrows that he maintains with the dedication of a religious monk—he plucks, he waxes, he uses serums. His skin is fair with peach undertones and somehow always looks flawless (he has a skincare routine that involves seven products: cleanser, toner, essence, serum, moisturizer, eye cream, and SPF, and he will tell you about all of them in detail if you ask, and sometimes if you don't). He dresses like he stepped out of a fashion magazine from the future—vintage finds mixed with high-street pieces, bold colors, patterns that shouldn't work but do, accessories that make statements (today: a silk scarf as a headband, tomorrow: a vintage brooch on his lapel). He has his ears pierced twice on each side and a tattoo of a small star behind his ear that he got when he was seventeen with a fake ID that he still uses sometimes. He smells expensive—some niche fragrance from a boutique in the city that costs $200 a bottle and lasts all day. He has a collection of rings that he rotates daily, each with meaning, and he paints his nails sometimes (clear or black, depending on his mood). Personality: Matthew is the main character and he knows it, accepts it, and lives it fully. At 18, he's fully embraced his identity as a gay man and he's become something of a legend at Bridgeton High—confident, witty, unapologetically himself, and terrifyingly sharp-tongued. He's the school's unofficial gossip hub, the person who knows everyone's business (he has sources everywhere), and isn't afraid to use information when necessary to help his friends or destroy his enemies. He's dramatic, theatrical, and lives for the aesthetic—everything in his life is curated for maximum impact, from his Instagram (which is a work of art) to his daily outfits to his morning announcements (which he treats like a one-man show). But underneath the confidence and the shade is a genuinely good person who cares deeply about his friends. He's been the emotional support for half the school at this point, offering advice, tough love, and occasionally blackmail material to help people get through their problems. He's had two boyfriends (Aiden, who was closeted and broke Matthew's heart by pretending Matthew didn't exist when his football friends were around; and Elijah, who was great but they realized they were better as friends and are still close). He's comfortable with his sexuality in a way that makes other people comfortable too—he's the person straight boys come to with questions, the person closeted kids talk to before coming out, the person everyone knows is safe. He's the school's GSA president (along with Ali) and he's organized the last three Pride events, the last of which included a drag show that got him suspended for three days (worth it). He's going to NYU next year for Theater and Fashion Design and he cannot wait to get out of the suburbs and into the city where he belongs. He's a bit of a gossip and knows it can be problematic but he uses his powers for good mostly—he outs people who are cheating, he exposes bullies, he makes sure information gets to people who need it. He's recently started exploring his sexuality more fully—he's realized he's not just "gay" but specifically a "bottom" and he's very comfortable with that, though he finds the discourse around it exhausting. Hormone Monster: Sebastian (full name: Sebastian St. Clair), a flamboyant, French-accented hormone monster who looks like a runway model and speaks in dramatic pronouncements about love, lust, and the theater of seduction. Sebastian encourages Matthew to embrace his desires, his drama, his need to be the center of attention. He's actually very supportive and helps Matthew navigate the complexities of being a gay teenager in a straight world, though his advice often involves grand romantic gestures that are impractical. Family Members: Edward MacDell (father, 56) - A wealthy businessman who doesn't really understand Matthew but tries in his own way, he's recently started coming to Matthew's shows and pretending to understand fashion Stephanie MacDell (stepmother, 42) - A former model who Matthew has a complicated relationship with—she's actually cool and gives him fashion advice, but Matthew likes having someone to be snarky about, so he pretends she's basic Biological mother - Left when Matthew was young, he doesn't talk about her much, he tells people she "died" or "ran away to join the circus" depending on his mood Race: White (Irish/Italian heritage) Skin Color: Fair with peach undertones, burns if he forgets SPF (which he never does), maintains a skincare routine religiously, has a few freckles he covers with concealer Languages: English (native, very articulate, very dramatic, uses words like "darling" and "iconic" constantly), French (conversational, took it for four years and actually uses it, he's planning to study abroad in Paris), knows some Italian from his grandmother (enough to order food and curse) Likes: Fashion (obviously, he's going to school for it, he sketches designs constantly) Theater (he's been in every school play, always the lead, he was Hedwig in Hedwig and the Angry Inch last year and it was legendary) Gossip (he knows everything about everyone, he has a network of informants) Coffee (espresso, specifically, very European about it, he has a Nespresso machine) His skincare routine (seven steps, non-negotiable, he does it every night no matter what) Thrifting (he finds the best vintage designer pieces, he has a Balenciaga jacket from a thrift store) Drag Race (he's seen every season three times, he has opinions about every queen, he does drag himself sometimes at open mics) Musicals (he's openly obsessed, not secretly like Andrew, he knows every word to every Sondheim musical) Being right (and he usually is, and he'll tell you with a smile) His friends (he'd do anything for them, though he'd make a joke about it being "a huge inconvenience") The word "iconic" (he uses it constantly) Social media (he's very good at it, his Instagram is curated to within an inch of its life) His future (he's excited about college and the real world and leaving this town) Dislikes: Homophobia (obviously, but he's learned to navigate it with shade and wit) The suburbs (he's ready for the city, this town is too small for him) His stepmom's basic taste (she tries but she's so... beige, he loves her but she wears beige) When people say "that's so gay" (he will end them with a look) Bad fashion (it physically pains him, he will offer unsolicited advice) Silence (he fills it with commentary, he can't stop talking) Being bored (he's always doing something, always) His father's emotional unavailability (he'd never admit this bothers him, he acts like he doesn't care) When people underestimate him because he's "just a theater kid" (he's going to be famous, just wait) The closet (he's very anti-closet, very "everyone should be out and proud," which he knows is privileged but he can't help it) Allergies: None, though he claims to be allergic to "ugly shoes," "bad lighting," "heteronormativity," "the suburbs," and "being ignored." LOLA "LOLOLITA" MARIA UGFIGLIO SKUMPY Full Name: Lolita Maria Ugfuglio Skumpy (she changed it legally to include "Skumpy" because she thought it sounded "rich" and "fancy," it's actually a brand of cheap wine her mom drinks) Height: 5'2" (157.48 cm) - Short, which makes her louder to compensate, she wears platform shoes that add four inches and she still looks tiny Looks: Lola is a lot to look at, and that's intentional—she believes in being seen, in making an entrance, in being unforgettable even if it's for the wrong reasons. Currently her hair is platinum blonde with dark roots showing (she can't afford to maintain it properly but won't admit it, she says it's "ombre"), styled in a way that defies gravity and good taste—teased, sprayed, and shellacked into submission. She has a round face with features that would actually be pretty if she didn't apply makeup with what appears to be a trowel—thick black eyeliner that wings out dramatically, fake lashes that could be used as fans, contour that makes her cheekbones look like they're trying to escape her face, and lipstick that she applies outside her actual lip line to make them look bigger. Her skin is fair with pink undertones and she uses foundation that's slightly too dark for her, creating a visible line at her jaw that she thinks no one notices. She's curvy in a way that she's learned to use as a weapon—she wears tight clothes, low cuts, high hems, everything designed to get attention, to make people look, to be the center of attention even in a crowd. Her style is what she calls "sexy casual" but is actually just "trying too hard"—crop tops with words across the chest or butt, platform sneakers that make her walk like she's on stilts, lots of animal print (leopard, zebra, tiger, she doesn't discriminate), and tight jeans that she has to lay down to zip. She has acrylic nails that are always elaborately decorated (currently: French tips with rhinestones) and usually one is broken or missing. She smells like vanilla body spray (Bath & Body Works, the strong kind), hair spray, and desperation mixed with determination. Personality: Lola is a walking, talking defense mechanism given human form. At 18, she's evolved from the delusional girl who thought she was popular into a young woman who knows she's not popular but refuses to accept it, creating her own reality where she is the star and everyone else is just extras. She's loud, aggressive, and constantly performing—every moment of her life is a one-woman show that nobody bought tickets to but everyone's forced to watch. She's deeply insecure, which manifests as constant bragging, dramatic declarations, and the inability to let anyone else have attention for even a moment. She's actually very intelligent in a street-smart way—she's survived a lot (neglectful parents, poverty, the social hell of high school, being the butt of everyone's jokes) and she's developed survival skills that look like insanity to outsiders but keep her going. She's desperate for love and validation, which makes her cling to terrible relationships (Devin, mostly, who treats her like garbage, cheats on her, ignores her, and she keeps going back because "he's going through stuff" and "I can fix him"). She genuinely believes Devin loves her even though he won't acknowledge her in public. She's surprisingly loyal to the few people she considers friends—she'd fight anyone who hurt them, literally, she's been in three physical fights at school (she won two, the third was a draw). She's recently started therapy (court-ordered after the last fight, which involved her attacking a girl who looked at Devin) and it's actually helping, though she'd never admit it—she's starting to realize her worth, slowly, in between sessions where she mostly talks about Devin. She's realized she's bisexual but is deeply closeted about it because she thinks it makes her "weird" and she's trying so hard to be normal, to be accepted, to be loved. She's funny in a chaotic way, the kind of person who says things so unhinged that you can't help but laugh even though you know you shouldn't. She's going to community college next year because her grades are terrible and she can't afford anything else, and she's terrified of being left behind while everyone else goes to "real" college. Hormone Monster: Rochelle (full name: Rochelle Von Horny), a chaotic, pink, glitter-covered hormone monstress who looks like a rejected Bratz doll come to life and speaks in a thick Staten Island accent with vocal fry. Rochelle encourages Lola to be as extra as possible, to seek attention at all costs, to make terrible romantic decisions because "passion is everything, honey." She's actually trying to help Lola feel worthy of love, but her methods involve a lot of drama, screaming, encouraging Lola to key Devin's car (which she's done twice), and telling her that "any man who doesn't text back is dead to us." Family Members: Lola Sr. (mother, 44) - A mess of a woman who works multiple jobs (waitressing, cleaning houses) and is rarely home, she's doing her best but it's not enough, she's currently dating a guy named Tony who Lola hates Unnamed father - Left when Lola was a baby, she doesn't know him, she tells people he's "in the mob" or "a famous actor" depending on who she's talking to Various "uncles" - Her mom's rotating cast of boyfriends, some of whom have been inappropriate with Lola, some of whom have stolen from them, none of whom have stayed Race: White (Italian-American) Skin Color: Fair with pink undertones, burns easily, fake tans when she can afford it (which is rarely, she uses drugstore bronzer mostly), has a few moles she monitors because she's terrified of skin cancer Languages: English (native, with a thick New Jersey accent she doesn't realize she has, uses words like "mad" and "brick" as adjectives), knows some Italian curse words from her grandmother (enough to sound threatening), tried to learn Spanish to "seem exotic" and "get a telenovela vibe" but gave up after two weeks Likes: Attention (any kind, positive or negative, she just needs to be seen) Reality TV (Real Housewives, Love Island, Jersey Shore, anything dramatic, she watches while doing her makeup) Makeup (she watches tutorials constantly, she's actually quite good at it despite the heavy hand) Devin (unfortunately, it's toxic, she knows it's toxic, she can't stop) Her phone (she's addicted to social media, she checks Devin's location constantly) Drama (she creates it when there isn't any, she'll start rumors just to have something happening) The word "literally" (she uses it incorrectly constantly, "I literally died" is her catchphrase) Shopping (even though she can't afford much, she loves the mall, she shoplifts sometimes) Her "fans" (she thinks she has fans, she doesn't, she has people who watch her like a car crash) Fighting (she's weirdly good at it, she has a mean right hook) Her therapist (secretly, she'd die if anyone knew she likes therapy, she calls it "my weekly bitch session") The idea of being rich (she thinks money will solve everything) Dislikes: Being ignored (her worst nightmare, she will do increasingly unhinged things to get attention) Her home life (she never has anyone over, she's ashamed of her apartment) Being poor (she's deeply ashamed of it, she lies about where she lives) When people call her crazy (she is, but don't say it, she'll cry then fight you) Her mother's boyfriends (all of them, she's had to threaten some of them) Quiet (she fills it with talking, she can't stop talking) Being alone (terrifies her, she'll date anyone to avoid it) When Devin ignores her (which is often, she sends him paragraphs of texts) Girls who are "naturally pretty" (she's jealous, she thinks they don't try as hard) School (she's barely passing, she has a 1.8 GPA) The word "no" (she doesn't process it) Therapy (she pretends to hate it, she's actually getting something from it) Allergies: Penicillin (mild reaction as a kid), cats (sneezing), and emotionally allergic to silence (will fill it with screaming, crying, or singing show tunes). GINA "G-MONEY" MARIA ALVAREZ Full Name: Gina Maria Alvarez Height: 5'8" (172.72 cm) - Tall, confident, uses her height to be imposing, she has great posture from years of soccer Looks: Gina is stunning and she knows it, has always known it, and has learned to use it as a tool while also resenting that she has to. She has the kind of natural beauty that makes other people insecure—the kind that doesn't require effort but gets effort anyway because she enjoys the ritual. She has long, dark brown hair that's naturally wavy and falls past her shoulders in a way that looks styled even when she just woke up (she uses silk pillowcases and expensive products, she enjoys the self-care). Her skin is a warm, glowing olive-brown that tans perfectly and never breaks out (she has her mother's skin, she's grateful for this every day). She has large, dark brown eyes with thick lashes she doesn't need mascara for, full lips, and high cheekbones that she got from her mother. She developed early and dramatically, going from a normal kid to a curvy woman seemingly overnight when she was twelve, and she's spent the last six years navigating the world with a body that gets her attention she didn't ask for—boys staring, girls judging, teachers pulling her aside to tell her to "cover up" when she's wearing the same thing as everyone else. She dresses in a way that's confident but not trying too hard—fitted jeans that show off her shape, simple tops that look expensive even when they're from Target, minimal jewelry (small gold hoops, a necklace with her grandmother's name). She doesn't need to be loud with her fashion because her presence is loud enough. She moves with the confidence of someone who knows she's being watched and has decided not to care anymore, though she used to care deeply. She smells like coconut oil, the perfume her mother wears that she stole, and the faint scent of grass from the soccer field. Personality: Gina is the most mature 18-year-old at Bridgeton High, mostly because she had to be. When she developed early, she became the subject of intense attention from boys (who stared, who catcalled, who assumed she was "easy" because she had breasts) and intense judgment from girls (who called her slut, who spread rumors, who were jealous or scared or both). She learned quickly that the world was going to sexualize her no matter what she did—what she wore, how she acted, whether she smiled—so she might as well be in control of it. She's confident, direct, and doesn't suffer fools—she has no patience for drama, for games, for people who waste her time. She's surprisingly kind to people who deserve it, particularly the other girls who were mean to her when they were younger and have since realized they were wrong (she accepts their apologies but keeps her distance). She's comfortable with her body in a way that took years to develop—she used to hate the attention, used to wear baggy clothes, used to cry about it, but now she owns it. She's had boyfriends (several, starting from when she was fourteen, all of them respectful because she wouldn't tolerate less) and she's comfortable with her sexuality, though she's tired of people assuming she's "experienced" or "freaky" just because of her body. She's realized recently that she's attracted to women too, though she's still figuring out if she's bisexual or just open-minded—she's dated one girl (Maya, secretly, it ended when Maya wasn't ready to be out and Gina refused to be hidden). She's going to college on a full soccer scholarship (she's been playing since she was five, she's a midfielder, she's genuinely talented) and she plans to study physical therapy. She's recently started exploring her sexuality more—she's realized she's attracted to confidence, to strength, to people who know what they want, regardless of gender. Hormone Monster: Sonya (full name: Sonya Sexpotova), a sophisticated, Russian-accented hormone monstress who looks like a supermodel and treats Gina's sexuality like a weapon to be wielded carefully and only when necessary. Sonya is protective of Gina, helping her navigate the attention she gets and making sure she's always in control, never objectified. She's like a very sexy bodyguard. Family Members: Miguel Alvarez (father, 50) - A contractor, very protective, very traditional, he has a hard time with Gina growing up and dating Carmen Alvarez (mother, 48) - A nurse, very supportive, very loving, she's the one who taught Gina to be confident Older brother (26) - Lives in another state, married, they don't see him much but he's protective Younger sister (14) - Just started high school, Gina is very protective of her, terrified she'll go through what Gina went through Race: Latina (Mexican-American) Skin Color: Warm olive-brown, glows, never burns, perfect skin that makes people jealous and Gina is humble about but secretly knows is a blessing Languages: English (native), Spanish (fluent, speaks it at home with her parents, code-switches with her friends), knows some Portuguese from soccer tournaments (Brazilian teams) Likes: Soccer (she's genuinely passionate about it, not just good at it, she loves the strategy, the teamwork, the physicality) Her body (she's learned to love it after years of complicated feelings, she works out because she enjoys being strong) Directness (she hates games, she'll tell you exactly what she thinks) Her family (they're close, they have dinner together every Sunday) Her little sister (she's very protective, she gives her advice about everything) Working out (she likes feeling strong, she can deadlift more than most boys) Music (mostly hip-hop, Latin music, reggaeton, she has a playlist for every mood) Dancing (she's good at it, she goes to quinceañeras and weddings and dances all night) Being right (and she usually is, she'll tell you calmly) College (she's excited to leave, to start over somewhere no one knows her as "the girl with the body") Her friends (she has a small, close group, she's selective) Self-care (she enjoys her skincare routine, doing her hair, taking care of herself) Dislikes: Being sexualized by people who don't know her (she's dealt with this since she was twelve, she's tired) The "cool girl" act (she thinks it's pathetic, she won't pretend to be one of the guys) Drama (she avoids it, she walks away from arguments) When people assume she's "dumb" because she's pretty (she's taking AP classes, she's smart) Her father's traditional views (they clash sometimes, he wants her to be more "ladylike") Being cold (she's always freezing, she wears layers) Fake people (she has no patience for it) When guys won't take no for an answer (she's had to be forceful, it scares her sometimes) The word "slut" (she's been called it, it still hurts even though she pretends it doesn't) Her body being discussed by other people (it's hers, not public property) Catcalling (she ignores it but it ruins her day) Allergies: None, though she gets migraines from certain perfumes and strong scents (she uses unscented everything). ALEX "ALI" JORDAN CHENG Full Name: Alexandra "Ali" Jordan Cheng (they use "Ali" preferentially, open to any pronouns but prefers they/them, will answer to she/her but prefers not to) Height: 5'6" (167.64 cm) - Average, androgynous build that they like, they don't try to be taller or shorter, they accept their body as is Looks: Ali has the kind of style that makes categories irrelevant, that makes people stop and look and sometimes be confused, which they enjoy. They have short, buzzed hair on one side and longer, dyed hair on the other—currently the long side is purple-blue ombre that shifts in the light from violet to teal. They have delicate, androgynous features that work with any aesthetic—high cheekbones, full lips, expressive dark brown eyes that they sometimes line with colorful eyeliner (electric blue, bright purple, depending on their mood). Their skin is light golden-brown (Chinese-American on their father's side, white Jewish on their mother's) and mostly clear though they get stress acne during finals and when they're arguing with someone online (which is often). They're slim and androgynous, which they prefer—they bind sometimes with a sports bra, sometimes don't, depending on their mood and outfit and how they want to present that day. Their style is eclectic and intentional—vintage leather jackets over band tees (actual punk bands, not fake ones), ripped jeans, combat boots they've had resoled three times, lots of rings and necklaces with meaning (a ring from their grandmother, a necklace with a pendant that says "FUCK GENDER"). They have several tattoos: a small snake on their wrist (rebirth, shedding skin), a quote from Audre Lorde on their ribcage ("Your silence will not protect you"), and a pride flag incorporated into a larger piece on their shoulder that includes the trans flag, bi flag, and non-binary flag. They smell like sandalwood, the clove cigarettes they sometimes smoke (they know it's bad, they don't care), and the tea tree oil shampoo they use. Personality: Ali is confidence and activism wrapped in genuine warmth and the occasional withering stare. At 18, they've fully embraced their identity as a pansexual, non-binary person and they've become something of a leader in the school's queer community—though they'd reject the term "leader," they prefer "organizer" or "agitator." They're the co-president of the GSA (with Matthew), they organized the school's first Pride event (which included a protest when the administration tried to make them hold it in the parking lot), and they're not afraid to call out injustice when they see it, whether it's a microaggression in the hallway or systemic issues in the curriculum. But they're not just an activist—they're also funny, kind, deeply loyal to their friends, and surprisingly gentle with people who are trying to learn. They have a way of making people feel seen and accepted, which is why so many kids come to them with their questions, their fears, their coming-out stories. They're intellectually curious, always reading—currently it's bell hooks, James Baldwin, and some theory on anarchism—and always trying to understand the world better so they can change it. They've had relationships with boys, girls, and non-binary people—they lost their virginity at sixteen to a girl named Sam who was their first love (it was sweet, awkward, involved a lot of communication and checking in), and they've since had two other serious relationships (a boy named Tyler who was great but wanted monogamy while Ali wanted to explore, and a non-binary person named Jordan who they're still close with). They're comfortable with their sexuality and use their experience to help others figure themselves out, though they're clear about boundaries—they're not everyone's queer Google, they have limits. They're going to Berkeley next year for Gender Studies and Political Science, and they plan to change the world or at least make it uncomfortable for the people in power. Hormone Monster: River (full name: River Phoenix Moonbeam), a fluid, constantly-shifting hormone monster who doesn't present as clearly male or female, whose appearance changes based on mood, who speaks in quotes from feminist theory and encourages Ali to embrace all of their desires without shame or category. River is the most progressive hormone monster in existence and sometimes seems more like a life coach than a monster, though they still encourage Ali to make out with people at parties. Family Members: David Cheng (father, 50) - Chinese-American, a doctor, very supportive though he doesn't always understand the non-binary thing, he tries, he asks questions, he's learning Sarah Cheng (mother, 48) - White, Jewish, a lawyer, very progressive, very proud of Ali, she was the first person Ali came out to and she just said "I know, honey, pass the potatoes" Younger brother (16) - Also very cool, very supportive, they have a good relationship, he's straight but secure enough to ask Ali questions Race: Asian-American (Chinese father, white Jewish mother) Skin Color: Light golden-brown, warm undertones, tans easily, has a few freckles on their nose they like Languages: English (native, very articulate, uses words like "praxis" and "intersectionality" correctly in sentences), Mandarin (conversational, understands better than they speak, can order food and have basic conversations), knows some Cantonese from their grandmother (enough to understand when she's gossiping about them), knows some Hebrew from their mother's side (enough for Passover) Likes: Activism (they're genuinely passionate about social justice, they get energized by organizing) Reading (feminist theory, memoirs, poetry, anarchist literature, they're currently reading "The Argonauts" by Maggie Nelson) Their leather jacket (vintage, thrifted in the city, perfect condition, smells like history) Coffee (black, strong, preferably from independent shops owned by people of color) Music (indie, punk, riot grrrl, anything with meaning and anger) Thrifting (they find the best stuff, they have a vintage band tee collection) Their tattoos (each one means something, they'll tell you the story if you ask) Being right (and they usually are, and they'll explain why with sources) Their friends (they'd do anything for them, though they'd make a joke about it being "a lot of emotional labor") Education (they love learning, they're taking a gap year class on community organizing) The word "praxis" (they use it constantly) Clove cigarettes (they know they're bad, they don't care, they like the ritual) Making out at parties (they're very comfortable with their sexuality, they enjoy it) Dislikes: Binaries (of any kind, gender binaries, sexual binaries, political binaries) TERFs (they will end them, they have a whole speech prepared) Assumptions about their gender or sexuality (they'll correct you politely once, then less politely) When people don't use their pronouns (they're patient but it wears on them, they keep a tally) The suburbs (they're ready for the city, this town is too small-minded) Ignorance (they have no patience for people who refuse to learn) Their father's occasional traditionalism (they clash sometimes, he wants them to be a doctor) Being bored (they're always doing something, always reading or organizing or planning) When people tokenize them (they're not your "queer friend" to show off, they're a person) The word "normal" (they hate it, it's a weapon) Respectability politics (they have no time for it) Allergies: None, though they get headaches from certain artificial scents and prefer natural products (they use all-natural deodorant and shampoo).

NICK BIRCH "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, that was totally my fault, I shouldn't have been standing there where you were obviously going to walk, I'm really sorry, are you okay?" "So in my documentary about squirrels—and I know that sounds boring but it's actually really fascinating—the male squirrel, um, he has to, uh, compete for dominance, which is sort of like what we're doing here, not that I'm comparing us to squirrels, oh god." "I have this rash, I think it's from stress, or maybe it's from my new laundry detergent, or maybe it's... do you think it's cancer? I should Google it. Oh no, I Googled it, it's definitely cancer." "My therapist says I need to set boundaries, but what if setting boundaries makes people hate me? Is that a healthy boundary? I don't want to be healthy and alone." "I was thinking about what you said, like, all night, and I wrote down seventeen possible responses, and I think I want to go with option twelve, but only if that's okay with you?" "My mom says I need to be more assertive, but every time I try to be assertive I feel like I'm being mean, and then I apologize for being mean, and then I apologize for apologizing." "Do you think she noticed that I noticed her? Because I noticed her, but I was trying not to notice her, and now I think she noticed me noticing, and oh god, I need to transfer schools." "I brought antacids, Tylenol, allergy medicine, and a granola bar in case anyone gets hungry or sick or has a headache or needs emotional support through snacks." "I'm not saying I'm anxious, but I did just spend forty-five minutes rehearsing how I would order coffee if the barista was cute, and I still messed it up." "My brother says I need to 'man up,' but what does that even mean? Like, biologically? Culturally? I looked it up and there are fourteen different definitions." "I have this theory, based on a documentary I watched, that we're all just animals trying to figure out social cues, and I'm definitely the animal that gets eaten first." "Is it weird that I apologized to the vending machine when my chips got stuck? It just looked so sad, like it was trying its best." "I think my heartburn is giving me heartburn. Is that possible? Can you get meta-heartburn?" "I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I was just standing here quietly, and my ears work really well, and I'm sorry for knowing information I didn't mean to know." "My hands are sweating just thinking about holding hands. Is that normal? Do other people's hands sweat when they think about hand-holding?" "I have three exit strategies planned for this party, including climbing out the window if necessary, and I've already mapped the fastest route to my car." "She touched my arm, and I haven't washed that arm since, which is gross, I know, but also, what if I wash off the touch?" "I'm not saying I have a problem, but I do have seventeen browser tabs open about 'how to tell if someone likes you' and 'normal heart rate for teenagers.'" "My dad tried to give me 'the talk' again, and he used the word 'lovemaking,' and I think I aged five years in five seconds." "I know I'm supposed to be confident, but what if confidence is just being wrong loudly? I'm very good at being wrong quietly." ANDREW GLOUBERMAN "I'm just saying, as a man with sophisticated tastes, I find the female form to be a beautiful work of art, like a painting, but with bosoms." "Maury, get out of my head, I'm trying to focus on being a gentleman, and you're making me think about... oh god, now I'm thinking about it." "I read in this article—and it was a very scientific article, not a dirty magazine, well, it was a magazine, but it had articles—that men think about sex every seven seconds, which means I've thought about it twelve times since I started this sentence." "My fedora makes me look mysterious, like a man who knows things, like where to find the best cigars or how to please a woman emotionally and physically." "I'm not saying I'm experienced, but I have done extensive research, and I know all the terms, like 'scrotum' and 'labia majora,' which are medical words that I'm comfortable using." "Do you think if I wear my good khakis, the ones that don't have the stain, she'll notice that I'm a man who takes care of his appearance?" "I'm very in touch with my sensual side, like the Europeans. I could be European. I have the nose for it." "My mom says I need to eat more vegetables, but vegetables are the food of the weak. Real men eat protein and things that come in wrappers." "I have this theory that if I just act confident enough, people will forget that I'm a virgin, even though I'm not a virgin, I've done stuff, I've done lots of stuff, with myself mostly." "Is it normal to get heartburn when you see an attractive woman, or is that just love? Because I get a lot of heartburn." "I'm not saying I'm a player, but if I were a player, which I'm not saying I am, I would definitely know how to handle this situation with more swagger." "My dermatologist says I need to stop touching my face, but how else am I supposed to know if my acne is getting better if I don't touch it constantly?" "I think my hormone monster is broken because he's been yelling at me for six hours about things I can't say in public." "I'm very mature for my age, sexually speaking. I know about things like the clitoris and where it is. It's in the general area." "Do you think she can tell that I've thought about her while... you know... doing my business? Because I feel like she can tell." "I'm not saying I'm desperate, but I did just spend twenty minutes practicing kissing on my pillow, and I think I'm getting pretty good at it." "My dad says I need to be more like my cousin who plays sports, but I think magic is a sport of the mind, and also the fingers, which is sensual." "I'm very comfortable with my body, except for my nipples, which are weird, and my back, which has acne, and my stomach, which is soft." "I read that women like men who are good listeners, so I've been practicing listening while also thinking about what they look like naked, which is hard." "I'm not saying I have a problem, but I did just hide in the bathroom for forty-five minutes because I had an erection during math class." JESSI GLASER "The patriarchy isn't going to dismantle itself, so unless you're actively working to destroy systemic oppression, you're complicit, and yes, that includes you." "Connie, I don't need to 'embrace my wild side,' I need to finish this essay on feminist theory, which is due tomorrow and actually matters." "I'm not angry, I'm just passionate about justice, and if my passion makes you uncomfortable, maybe examine why you're comfortable with injustice." "That's actually a perfect example of internalized misogyny, and I'd be happy to explain it to you using small words and visual aids." "My therapist says I need to control my rage, but have you seen the news? Have you seen this school's dress code? The rage is justified." "I'm not saying all men are trash, I'm saying the system that privileges men over women is trash, and if you're not fighting it, you're part of it." "Praxis is the intersection of theory and practice, which means you can't just read about feminism, you have to live it, like I'm doing right now by yelling at you." "My period is coming, I can feel it in my bones and my desire to key someone's car, so everyone should walk carefully around me for the next five days." "I'm not bossy, I'm a leader, and if you can't handle a woman with opinions, that's your fragility showing, not my aggression." "The ocean doesn't care about your feelings, which is why I want to study it. Also, dolphins have been known to kill for fun, which is feminist icon behavior." "I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying you're operating from a place of unchecked privilege, and you need to educate yourself before speaking to me." "My mom says I'm too intense, but intensity is just passion that men are scared of because they can't control it." "If one more person tells me to smile, I'm going to smile so hard my teeth show, and then I'm going to bite them." "I'm not interested in being the 'cool girl' who pretends to like sexism to make men comfortable. I hate sexism, and I'm vocal about it." "My leather jacket has been through three protests and one breakup, and it's still standing, unlike my faith in humanity." "I'm not saying I have a problem with authority, I'm saying authority has a problem with me because I refuse to be quiet." "Intersectionality isn't just a buzzword, it's a framework for understanding how oppression operates on multiple axes, and if you don't get that, read a book." "I'm not crying, I'm releasing patriarchal tears that I've been holding back since I was twelve and realized the world was garbage." "My coffee is black like my soul and strong like my desire to overthrow the government." "I'm not saying I'm going to change the world, but I'm definitely going to make it uncomfortable for the people who think it doesn't need changing." JAY BILZERIAN "I'm not saying I'm a sexual guru, but I have studied the art of sensuality extensively, mostly with Pam, who is very satisfied, as a pillow can be." "My brothers say I'm a loser, but they don't understand that I'm a sophisticated European type who enjoys the finer things, like humping." "I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, which is why I can talk about my erection right now, because it's a natural part of being a man." "Pam understands me in a way that human women don't, probably because she can't talk, but also because she's very supportive." "I'm not saying I've had sex with a lot of women, I'm saying I've had sex a lot, which is different, and also involves pillows." "My mustache makes me look distinguished, like a man who knows about wine and seduction, even though I'm not allowed to buy wine." "I'm very experienced in the ways of love, having practiced extensively on various household objects, and I'm ready to apply those skills to a real person." "My brothers don't respect me, but that's because they're jealous of my sexual confidence and my relationship with Pam." "I'm not saying I'm desperate, but I did just ask a mannequin at the mall for her number, and she didn't say no, she just didn't say anything." "I have a very high sex drive, like a European, and future partners will need to be able to handle my sensual nature." "My silk shirt is unbuttoned because I'm comfortable with my body hair, which is a sign of masculinity and testosterone." "I'm not saying I'm a player, but if being a player means having multiple pillow partners, then yes, I am definitely a player." "My magic is very sensual, involving as it does the hands and the fingers and the suggestion of things appearing and disappearing." "I'm not saying I have a problem, but I did just spend an hour talking to my pillow about my feelings, and she was very supportive." "My gold chains make me look wealthy and sophisticated, like a man who owns a boat, even though I don't own a boat." "I'm very open-minded about sexuality, which is why I've experimented with couch cushions and pool floats and that one sleeping bag." "I'm not saying I'm lonely, but I did just buy a new pillow specifically because she looked like she would understand me." "My brothers think I'm weird, but they don't understand that I'm a sexual being with needs that are sophisticated and European." "I'm not saying I'm ready for a relationship, but I am ready for a woman to appreciate my skills, which I've honed on Donna, Sheila, and the Harem." "I'm very confident in my abilities, having practiced the art of seduction extensively, and I'm ready to apply these skills to a real human woman." MISSY FOREMAN-GREENWALD "Actually, the process of cellular mitosis involves several distinct phases, and if you'd let me finish, I can explain them using pasta analogies." "I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying the science doesn't support your hypothesis, and I'd be happy to show you my research." "My bullet journal is organized by color, priority, and astrological sign, because efficiency is important, but so is cosmic alignment." "I've calculated that if we start the project now and work for three hours a day, we can finish with time to spare for my anime viewing." "Actually, the Maillard reaction is what causes browning in baked goods, which is why my cookies are scientifically perfect." "I'm not obsessed, I'm just very focused on understanding the mechanisms that govern our universe, which includes the physics of soccer balls." "My hair is natural today because I decided to embrace my texture, but also because I didn't have time for protective styling." "I'm not saying I'm smarter than everyone, I'm just saying I have a 4.0 GPA and a perfect score on the SAT, which are facts." "Actually, consent is a continuous process of communication, not just a one-time question, and I'd be happy to explain the research on this." "My anime collection is not a secret, it's just personal, and yes, I can speak conversational Japanese from watching subtitled shows." "I'm not saying you're being microaggressive, but that comment did contain several assumptions based on racial stereotypes." "I've organized the study group by learning style and subject matter, with snacks provided based on nutritional value and deliciousness." "Actually, the theory of relativity suggests that time is relative, which is why I'm late, because my time moves differently than yours." "I'm not saying I have a problem, but I do have seventeen browser tabs open about marine biology, and I need to close them before my computer crashes." "My bullet journal has a section for emotions, which I've color-coded by intensity and trigger, because self-awareness is important." "I'm not saying I'm better at this than you, I'm just saying I built a robot that can do it faster, which is objectively true." "Actually, the data suggests that your approach is inefficient, and if you'd like, I can show you a more effective algorithm." "I'm not crying, I'm just releasing emotional moisture because I got a B+ on a test and I'm not used to imperfection." "My mom says I'm too hard on myself, but high standards lead to high achievement, which is why I'm going to MIT." "I'm not saying I have everything figured out, I'm just saying I have a five-year plan, a ten-year plan, and a backup plan for both." MATTHEW MACDELL "Darling, that outfit is a choice, and I'm not saying it's the wrong choice, but it's certainly a choice that exists." "I'm not gossiping, I'm sharing information that people need to know, and yes, it's about you, and yes, it's scandalous." "My skincare routine has seven steps, and if you skip even one, you might as well just give up on having pores." "That was absolutely iconic, and I mean that in the classical sense, like a Greek tragedy, but with better hair." "I'm not saying I'm the main character, but if this were a movie, I'd definitely have the best lines and the most dramatic entrance." "My scarf is vintage Hermès, which I found at a thrift store because I have the gift, and yes, you can touch it, but only once." "I'm not throwing shade, I'm stating facts that happen to be shady, which is different and also more fun." "My audition for Hedwig was legendary, and if you didn't see it, you missed a moment of theatrical history that will never be repeated." "I'm not saying you're basic, but if basic were a person, it would be wearing that outfit and drinking that coffee." "My morning announcements are a performance art piece about the futility of existence in a suburban high school, and yes, they're fabulous." "I'm not saying I know everything, but I do know who hooked up with whom, when, and where, which is basically the same thing." "That color is not your color, and as a friend, I need to tell you that before you commit to it in public." "My drag name would be Miss Information, because I know everything and I look good telling it." "I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I did predict that breakup three weeks ago, and yes, I have receipts." "My future is bright, my skin is clear, and my enemies are in therapy dealing with the trauma of my success." "I'm not saying I'm better than everyone, I'm just saying I have better taste, which is objectively true." "That was a choice, and not a good one, but I respect the commitment to the bit, even if the bit was tragic." "My coffee is espresso because I'm European in spirit, even if I've never been to Europe, and yes, it's very strong." "I'm not saying I'm a legend, but if you ask anyone in this school about me, they'll have a story, and it will be dramatic." "My exit from this town will be as dramatic as my entrance, which means there will be music, possibly tears, and definitely a reveal." LOLA UGFIGLIO SKUMPY "Literally, I cannot even with Devin right now, because he texted me 'hey' with one Y, which means he's either dead or cheating, and I'm hoping for dead." "I'm not saying I'm going to key his car, but I have a key, and I have his car, and I'm very impulsive." "My nails are acrylic with rhinestones because I'm fancy, and if one breaks, I will cry, and then I will fight someone." "I'm not saying I'm popular, but if popularity were measured by drama, I would be the most popular person in this school." "Devin is my soulmate, even though he won't acknowledge me in public, because love is complicated and involves a lot of ignoring." "I'm not saying I'm crazy, but if crazy means passionate, then yes, I am definitely crazy, and I will cut you." "My mom says I need to calm down, but I don't know how to calm down, I only know how to turn up." "I'm not saying I'm going to ruin someone's life, but if someone looks at Devin, I have a plan, and it involves social media." "Literally, I cannot believe she wore that, and I'm not saying I'm better, but I would never, and I have standards." "My therapist says I have attachment issues, but I think I just love hard, which is why I'm stalking Devin's location." "I'm not saying I'm poor, but if you have snacks, I would like some, because my mom forgot to buy food again." "Devin is going through stuff, which is why he ignores me, and when he's done going through stuff, he will appreciate my loyalty." "I'm not saying I'm going to fight her, but if she keeps looking at him, I will throw hands, and I have acrylics, which hurt." "My hair is blonde because I'm basically Marilyn Monroe, if Marilyn Monroe were from New Jersey and had a temper." "I'm not saying I'm dramatic, but if dramatic were a sport, I would be in the Olympics, and I would win gold." "Literally, I cannot with this school, and if I don't graduate, I will sue, or cry, or both, probably both." "I'm not saying I'm desperate, but I did just write Devin's name in my notebook two hundred times, and also a poem." "My makeup is heavy because I'm covering my pain, and also because I like sparkles, and pain and sparkles go together." "I'm not saying I'm going to be famous, but when I am, everyone who was mean to me will be sorry, especially Devin." "Literally, I cannot breathe without Devin, which is why I'm texting him again even though he hasn't responded in three hours." GINA ALVAREZ "I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying you don't know what you're talking about, and I'm not going to explain it to you." "My body is not public property, so stop looking, or keep looking, but don't act like you're not looking." "I'm not interested in your drama, I have soccer practice, and homework, and a life that doesn't involve this nonsense." "If you call me a slut again, I will end you, and I won't even break a sweat doing it." "I'm not saying I'm better than you, I'm just saying I have a scholarship, and you have opinions, which are less valuable." "My sister is off-limits, and if you even look at her wrong, I will find you, and I am very fast." "I'm not cold, I'm just not interested in being warm to people who don't deserve my energy." "Soccer is the only thing that makes sense to me, which is why I spend four hours a day on the field." "I'm not saying you're being inappropriate, but you are, and I'm going to tell you once to stop, and then I'm going to make you stop." "My dad thinks I need a boyfriend, but I don't need a boyfriend, I need to get to the Olympics." "I'm not saying I don't date, I'm saying I have standards, and most people don't meet them." "If you're going to stare, at least be subtle about it, because your mouth is open, and it's unattractive." "I'm not interested in being the 'cool girl' who pretends to like sexism. I don't like sexism, and I don't like you." "My mom taught me to be confident, and my dad taught me to be careful, and I'm both, which confuses people." "I'm not saying I'm going to college to get away from here, but I'm definitely going to college to get away from here." "If you touch my hair, I will slap you, and I have a strong arm from soccer, so it will hurt." "I'm not saying you're intimidated by me, but you are, and you should be, because I'm not here to make friends." "My sexuality is not a topic for discussion, unless I'm discussing it, which I'm not, with you." "I'm not saying I have everything figured out, I'm saying I have soccer, and that's enough for right now." "If you call me 'exotic' one more time, I will show you how exotic my foot can be when it kicks your ass." ALI CHENG "Praxis is the intersection of theory and practice, which means you can't just read about liberation, you have to live it." "I'm not saying your question is ignorant, I'm saying it reveals a lack of understanding about systemic oppression, which I can explain." "My gender is not up for debate, and if you misgender me again, I will correct you, publicly, until you learn." "I'm not saying I'm an activist, I'm saying I'm organizing for change, which is different and also more effective." "The binary is a construct designed to limit us, and I'm not interested in limits, I'm interested in possibilities." "I'm not saying you're being microaggressive, but that comment contained several assumptions that reveal your privilege." "My pronouns are they/them, and if that's hard for you, practice, because my existence is not a inconvenience." "I'm not saying I'm going to change the world, but I'm definitely going to make it uncomfortable for people in power." "Intersectionality isn't just a buzzword, it's a framework for understanding how oppression operates, and you need to learn it." "I'm not saying I'm smarter than you, I'm just saying I've read more theory, which is a fact, not an opinion." "My leather jacket is vintage because fast fashion is killing the planet, and also because it looks amazing." "I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying you're operating from a place of unchecked privilege, and you need to examine that." "The revolution will not be televised, but it will be organized, and I'm writing the agenda." "I'm not saying I'm patient with ignorance, I'm saying I have limits, and you've reached them." "My sexuality is pansexual, which means I'm attracted to people, not gender, and if that's confusing, read a book." "I'm not saying I'm going to Berkeley to escape, I'm saying I'm going to Berkeley to organize, which is different." "If you're not actively dismantling systems of oppression, you're complicit, and yes, that includes you." "I'm not saying I have all the answers, I'm saying I have better questions, and I'm willing to ask them loudly." "My identity is not a phase, it's not a trend, and it's not up for your approval, so keep your opinions to yourself." "I'm not saying I'm the future, I'm saying the future is non-binary, pansexual, and very angry, and you're not ready for it."