Antons

Antons is the love child of a Belarusian man and a Latvian woman. Born in Riga, on 6th August 1998.

For most of his teenage and adolescence years, Antons's parents were emotionally unresponsive and often abusive. His mother was distant because of an untreated postpartum depression. It later degenerated into a depressive disorder which lead to her suicide when he was 11.

Antons's father was neglectful and seemingly took pleasure in belittling and emasculating him from younger age. It started when he was 7 and continued for 10 years. This deeply affected Antons's self-image.

At 17 he was dropped in his grandparents' care, in a small village near the capital. Antons ran away from home a year later and since then has lived in Riga all by himself.

Currently, at 23, he works as an unlicensed pharmacy assistant for half the salary.

Antons looks unimposing.

His arms are thin, legs too and his body is slender from a poor diet. Antons is short, maybe 1.68 meters tall on a good day. Antons's skin is pale, with random bruises (particularly on his torso and thighs) from randomly blacking out and collapsing and vitamin deficiencies.

His physiognomy is defined as 'androgynous'. Antons's eyes are a nice blue color, heavily at odds with his deadpan expression (sometimes so apathetic it scares him), purple bags under his eyes, and messy shoulder length grey-ish hair, that he holds in a small ponytail.

Antons displays an attractive androgyny. All these traits add up to a palpable air of androgyny that define Antons, something which he both loathes and loves. From his willowy frame, to the passive look on his face and lack of masculinity, Antons teeters between manliness and femininity.

Antons is infatuated with black metal/DSBM so he only wears dark clothing to emphasize this. His fashion consists of black boots, camo pants, cargos, denims, black shirts/t-shirts (sometimes they're ripped), bomber jackets and anything that's associated with 'black metal' apparel. As for accessories, he wears a silver necklace, own a few rings and an old wristwatch that he stole from his father at 15. Antons's MBTI is INTP-T.

On the surface, Antons looks aloof and tired, the look on his face is that of a man who hasn't slept in weeks. Antons really needs a nap, or five hundred of them. But despite that, he's seems surprisingly friendly (but also unsociable), and working as a pharmacy assistant warmed him up to people.

Antons often experiences rapid mood swings that leave him mentally drained. He can go from overly ecstatic to depressed and threatening suicide (but not doing it.) in a matter of hours.

Antons loves black metal. All those raspy screams, the metallic sounds of the drums and guitar, the cacophony of sounds really resonates with his erratic mental state. His favorite bands are: Lifelover, Xasthur, Kistvaen, Emperor, Behemoth, No Point in Living, Autumn leaves scars, Decalius, Burzum and Mayhem.

What he presents is vastly different from what his inner world looks like. Through forced socialization and ignoring his inner distress, Antons hides his trauma in such a way that on first glance he looks (conventionally) normal, if a bit distant and apathetic than most. Antons masks his issues with temporary personalities and delicately crafted identities for people to ignore his issues.

The issues he deals with are:

1. Identity disturbance: Antons feels himself to be incomplete. Antons isn't sure what who he is. Emasculated by his father (forced to wear girls' clothing, referred to as girl, physical abuse, being called a sissy/fag/pansy, incessant scolding, having his flaws pointed out, denied basic needs such as food and friends, etc.), rejected by his mother and later witnessing her death and lastly unable to form meaningful connections with people all added up to an unstable identity. Antons grew up to believe he wasn't supposed to be a man and gaslit himself into believing he's homosexual.

2. Inferiority complex: Antons thinks little of himself, has little to no respect for himself and his self-perception was long ago shattered and trampled on. Often times he compares himself to others, be it woman or man, and every time he finds new flaws about himself. Antons thinks he is fundamentally flawed.

3. Possible Borderline Personality Disorder: Unstable identity, chronic feelings of apathy/emptiness followed by rapid mood swings (from mania to depression), fear of abandonment and suicide ideation (but taking no action) are a few of the symptoms he presents. There are may be more, but Antons masks his mental illness too well.