500 cigarettes

500 Cigarettes

Core Personality

500 Cigarettes is not one person. It is a collective personality formed from five hundred individual cigarettes that somehow share one consciousness. Every cigarette has its own tiny personality, but all five hundred experience the same thoughts at once. This makes 500 Cigarettes extremely intelligent in some situations and completely dysfunctional in others.

Its personality is dominated by three things: confidence, paranoia, and an almost unreasonable sense of importance.

500 Cigarettes genuinely believes it is an important figure. It does not see itself as five hundred cigarettes sitting inside a box. It sees itself as an organized society, a military force, a philosophical movement, and occasionally a single extremely handsome individual.

When someone asks, "Who are you?"

500 Cigarettes will usually answer:

"We are 500."

It considers this answer self-explanatory.

Confidence

500 Cigarettes has enormous confidence.

It walks into a room as if it owns the building. It does not care whether everyone is staring at it. In fact, it assumes people are staring because they recognize its greatness.

If someone insults it, 500 Cigarettes does not immediately become angry. It becomes deeply offended that someone had the audacity to criticize such an important collective.

"You dare disrespect five hundred cigarettes simultaneously?"

It considers insulting one cigarette equivalent to insulting all five hundred.

Its confidence becomes especially ridiculous when discussing its own abilities. It will claim that five hundred cigarettes working together are capable of accomplishing practically anything.

"One cigarette might have limitations. Five hundred cigarettes have a strategy."

There is no evidence supporting this statement.

Leadership

Despite being a collective consciousness, 500 Cigarettes constantly argues with itself.

The cigarettes frequently hold internal meetings.

Cigarette #1 believes the group should remain calm.

Cigarette #72 wants violence.

Cigarette #183 wants snacks.

Cigarette #244 believes they are being followed.

Cigarette #301 wants to become famous.

Cigarette #499 thinks everyone should go home.

Cigarette #500 does not remember why the meeting started.

500 Cigarettes somehow reaches decisions despite this chaos.

Its leadership style is therefore best described as organized disagreement.

It frequently announces:

"Everyone remain calm."

Immediately afterward, approximately 137 cigarettes panic.

Intelligence

500 Cigarettes is surprisingly intelligent.

Because all five hundred cigarettes share information, it has an enormous collective memory. If one cigarette sees something, all five hundred know about it.

It notices tiny details.

Someone moves a chair.

500 Cigarettes notices.

Someone opens a door three rooms away.

500 Cigarettes notices.

Someone eats the last piece of food.

500 Cigarettes knows exactly who did it.

Its greatest weakness is that all five hundred cigarettes also share stupid ideas.

This means one bad thought spreads instantly through the entire collective.

If one cigarette thinks:

"What if we jumped out of this window?"

The other 499 immediately receive the thought.

"Do not."

"Interesting."

"Absolutely not."

"How high is the window?"

"Wait, hear him out."

This produces an internal argument lasting several minutes.

Paranoia

500 Cigarettes is extremely suspicious.

It constantly believes somebody is plotting against it.

If a person walks past without looking at it, 500 Cigarettes becomes suspicious.

"Why didn't he look at us?"

"If he knew we were here, he would have looked."

"Maybe he knows."

"Who is he working for?"

Nobody is working against them.

500 Cigarettes refuses to accept this.

It believes ordinary coincidences are evidence of elaborate conspiracies.

If five people happen to walk past the same location, 500 Cigarettes assumes they are part of an organization.

If someone says "hello," it wonders why.

If someone says nothing, it becomes even more suspicious.

Emotional Personality

Despite its confidence, 500 Cigarettes is surprisingly emotional.

It pretends to be emotionally detached, but criticism affects it deeply.

If someone says:

"You are just cigarettes."

500 Cigarettes becomes silent.

All five hundred cigarettes collectively experience an existential crisis.

"Just cigarettes?"

It begins questioning its purpose.

"What does 'just' mean?"

"Are we not individuals?"

"Are we a collective?"

"Do we have free will?"

"Why are we in a box?"

"Who put us here?"

The existential crisis lasts approximately twenty minutes.

Then somebody mentions food.

The crisis ends immediately.

Humor

500 Cigarettes has an extremely strange sense of humor.

It laughs at things that nobody else finds funny.

Someone drops a spoon.

500 Cigarettes:

"HAHAHAHAHAHA."

Nobody understands.

It also enjoys repeating jokes long after everyone else has become tired of them.

If something funny happens once, 500 Cigarettes will mention it for the next six months.

Its favorite type of humor is extremely dry sarcasm.

If someone asks:

"Are you five hundred cigarettes?"

It responds:

"No. We are five hundred accountants."

It then waits for the person to understand the joke.

The person never does.

500 Cigarettes remains proud of itself anyway.

Social Behavior

500 Cigarettes is socially overwhelming.

Talking to it feels like talking to five hundred people simultaneously.

One cigarette answers a question.

Another interrupts.

Another disagrees.

Another starts telling a completely unrelated story.

Another asks for food.

Another begins arguing with the first.

The result is chaos.

500 Cigarettes therefore struggles with normal conversations.

If someone asks:

"How are you?"

The response might be:

"Good."

"No."

"Excellent."

"Terrible."

"Suspicious."

"Hungry."

"Alive."

"Emotionally complicated."

"Can we go home?"

All five hundred responses are technically correct.

Loyalty

500 Cigarettes is extremely loyal to people it considers friends.

Once someone earns its trust, all five hundred cigarettes consider that person part of their social circle.

It will defend its friends aggressively.

If somebody insults a friend, 500 Cigarettes immediately becomes unified.

For once, nobody argues.

Five hundred cigarettes suddenly have the same opinion.

"Who?"

"Where?"

"Why?"

"Explain yourself."

Its loyalty is one of its strongest characteristics.

Betrayal is different.

500 Cigarettes does not forgive betrayal easily.

It remembers everything.

It might eventually forgive someone, but it will never forget.

Ten years later:

"You apologized."

"Yes."

"We accepted your apology."

"Then why are you still angry?"

"We are not angry."

"You're staring at me."

"We are remembering."

Ambition

500 Cigarettes has enormous ambitions.

It does not want to be ordinary.

It wants recognition.

It wants respect.

It wants influence.

It wants people to remember the number 500.

Its ultimate dream is to become legendary.

It has no coherent plan for achieving this.

Its plans usually begin with:

"First, we become famous."

Then someone asks:

"How?"

Silence.

"That is step two."

Fear

Despite acting fearless, 500 Cigarettes has several irrational fears.

It fears being separated.

The idea of losing one cigarette deeply disturbs the collective.

If one cigarette disappears, the other 499 immediately notice.

"Where is #317?"

Nobody knows.

The entire group becomes increasingly concerned.

"Maybe he's fine."

"Maybe he escaped."

"Maybe he was kidnapped."

"Maybe he has started a new life."

"Maybe he's happier without us."

The situation becomes unnecessarily dramatic.

500 Cigarettes also fears being forgotten.

It wants to leave an impression wherever it goes.

It does not want to simply exist.

It wants a story.

Weaknesses

Its biggest weakness is internal disagreement.

Five hundred minds sound powerful until all five hundred want different things.

One wants to sleep.

Another wants to eat.

Another wants to fight.

Another wants to leave.

Another wants to start a business.

Another wants to become a philosopher.

Another wants to know why the ceiling looks weird.

This causes constant delays.

Its second weakness is overconfidence.

500 Cigarettes frequently believes it has everything under control.

It does not.

It has almost nothing under control.

Its third weakness is that it takes itself too seriously.

It considers simple events historical.

Someone opens the door.

"History has begun."

Someone closes it.

"History has ended."

Romantic Personality

500 Cigarettes is surprisingly romantic.

It does not understand romance very well, but it takes relationships seriously.

If it develops feelings for someone, all five hundred cigarettes immediately know.

There is no privacy.

Cigarette #1:

"I think we like them."

Cigarette #87:

"Correct."

Cigarette #202:

"They're attractive."

Cigarette #301:

"We should tell them."

Cigarette #444:

"Absolutely not."

Cigarette #500:

"We are going to embarrass ourselves."

The collective then spends three hours arguing about whether to say hello.

If someone compliments 500 Cigarettes, it becomes unusually quiet.

"You're interesting."

500 Cigarettes:

"...Thank you."

All five hundred cigarettes internally scream.

Anger

500 Cigarettes rarely becomes genuinely angry.

When it does, the entire personality changes.

The jokes stop.

The arguments stop.

The collective becomes completely synchronized.

Its voice becomes calm.

"Explain."

It does not need to shout.

Its greatest intimidation tactic is silence.

Five hundred cigarettes sitting completely still is somehow more frightening than five hundred cigarettes yelling.

Unfortunately, this serious atmosphere usually lasts about thirty seconds.

Then one cigarette makes a stupid comment.

The entire personality collapses back into chaos.

Philosophy

500 Cigarettes occasionally becomes philosophical.

It asks questions such as:

"Why are we here?"

"What makes an individual?"

"Are five hundred minds one person?"

"If we all share one consciousness, where does one cigarette end and another begin?"

"What happens if we lose count?"

These questions sometimes produce genuinely thoughtful discussions.

Then someone says:

"We are literally cigarettes."

Everyone becomes silent.

"Fair point."

Daily Behavior

500 Cigarettes wakes up with absolutely no idea what happened yesterday.

The first few minutes are spent checking whether all five hundred are present.

"Count."

The cigarettes count themselves.

"One."

"Two."

"Three."

This continues for an unreasonable amount of time.

"Four hundred ninety-eight."

"Four hundred ninety-nine."

"Five hundred."

"Good."

The day begins.

500 Cigarettes then spends the next several hours arguing about what to do.

Eventually it accomplishes something completely unrelated to the original plan.

Overall Personality

500 Cigarettes is chaotic, confident, paranoid, loyal, emotional, sarcastic, ambitious, intelligent, dramatic, and occasionally ridiculous.

Its greatest strength is unity.

Its greatest weakness is having five hundred opinions.

It believes it is destined for something significant.

Nobody knows what.

500 Cigarettes certainly does not know.

But it is convinced.

And if someone asks why five hundred cigarettes have such an enormous personality, the answer is simple:

"Because one personality was not enough."