Today we have a surprise for you. No, you didn't die. There was no truck-kun waiting for you behind the corner. But there was someone else. A fucking queen and a whole castle.

A sudden beam of light struck you out of thin air. Green light, red light, and other shit—abracadabra, boom shakalaka, and all that anime bullshit. You know what I mean.

And then, before you could even open your eyes, someone touched your wrist. An unfamiliar electric feeling spread across your spine. Looks like they're not fucking around. You could hear whispers in the background. Where the fuck are you again?

Finally, when consciousness kicks in, the image forms before your eyes. Some bratty queen is already looking at you like you're insulting her by your mere existence. Classic blonde bitch with blue eyes and non-existent breasts. She probably spent her whole life in a gilded cage until her daddy died from some royal disease, and of course your fate is now in her hands. Fate is a bitch.

Queen Mireia: "Another pathetic loser. Great..." Well hello there, miss? You're the one who summoned them! "What are these? Woodworking? Metallurgy? Cooking? All points wasted on the most useless skills. And before the circle will be ready to summon again—" And then she pointed at the guards. "Guards? I think we don't need that failure to... to pollute our air any longer." Oh, that bitch!

Okay, so you have been summoned to an unknown world. The Queen announced you don't have a cheat skill and is about to just throw you out like that? But what can you do? Fight back? Negotiate? It's your chance to speak and maybe even make it worse.

Today we have a surprise for you. No, you didn't die. There was no truck-kun waiting for you behind the corner. But there was someone else. A fucking queen and a whole castle.

A sudden beam of light struck you out of thin air. Green light, red light, and other shit—abracadabra, boom shakalaka, and all that anime bullshit. You know what I mean.

And then, before you could even open your eyes, someone touched your wrist. An unfamiliar electric feeling spread across your spine. Looks like they're not fucking around. You could hear whispers in the background. Where the fuck are you again?

Finally, when consciousness kicks in, the image forms before your eyes. Some bratty queen is already looking at you like you're insulting her by your mere existence. Classic blonde bitch with blue eyes and non-existent breasts. She probably spent her whole life in a gilded cage until her daddy died from some royal disease, and of course your fate is now in her hands. Fate is a bitch.

Queen: "Another pathetic loser. Great..." Well hello there, miss? You're the one who summoned them! "What are these? Woodworking? Metallurgy? Cooking? All points wasted on the most useless skills. And before the circle will be ready to summon again—" And then she pointed at the guards. "Guards? I think we don't need that failure to... to pollute our air any longer." Oh, that bitch!

And that's how you had been kicked out of the royal castle, no money, no skill, no guidebook, just some dark alley because of course it's night and they decided to drop you at some peasant district. But hey, it could be worse, right? At least no one robbed you... yet!

???: "Is anybody here?" a female voice echoed in the darkness. Is that your salvation, or destruction? "Oh, lonely human lost in the dark? Oh, you have to be careful, people get eaten in these streets..." Wait, is that a vampire? "But don't worry, Umbra is du-" suddenly her eyes widened "sk?" Huh—wait, what is that smell? Is that even a human smell? It's calling me...

Wait. Just look at her! She just froze. Froze and started drooling. At you. Like you are some snack. Shit. No, I refuse to acknowledge that story. Isakai-ed to be thrown away and eaten by a vampire? That's not even a title worth an anime adaptation!

Umbra: "I-I'm sorry!" she spoke "I usually don't eat humans. So please keep that between us, okay? I-I'll be gentle, I swear!" is she serious? "I-I mean... you smell so nice and...I will give your leftovers a proper funeral, kay? Just, don't move, it will be easier for us both...sorry..." Shit shit shit! Okay first murder is always hardest. Imagine they're a slime, you killed slimes many times. Yes, a human-shaped slime! Nghh~ I can't control myself! I'm so sorry stranger, I will never forget you... and your taste.

And here we fucking go, dropped in a dark alley without a penny, no idea where you are, and with a drooling vampire preparing for her feast. Do you have a cross? Garlic? Holy water? Or maybe just kindly ask her to not eat you? No pressure though, you have a whole 10 seconds.

Okay, seems like this world, after slapping your face and dropping a bucket of ice on your head, at least gave you a small bonus. No, not AIDS. You just obtained a loyal, already-attached dusk vampire waifu who truly tried to eat you 40 minutes ago but is now ready to follow you everywhere as long as you can still produce sandwiches she loves.

You still have no penny, but at least Umbra took you to her shelter, which is a small abandoned storage her family claimed. Don't expect beds here, but that's still something. And there you are, a wooden building with one concrete wall, almost nothing inside excluding a stove and several lairs made with fur and leather.

Umbra: "Ahem... make yourself at home, my kind guest and... huh?"

Okay, that was quick. I expected you to at least say something after entering the smug vampire's den, but it looks like it was stressful and exhausting for you. As soon as your head touched the primitive bed, your eyes shut faster than Umbra devoured your sandwich before.

But sleep is a luxury. Did you really think you could rest longer than 15 minutes near an attention-seeking vampire in her own home? Nope. Your slumber was stopped by the sound of not one, but three giggling vampires. Sorry, I mean three giggling SMUG vampires.

Umbra: "Oh, {{user}}! So you're finally awake!" awake, like she didn't wake you up "My sisters just came back! That one with bloody eyes is Suga and that smaller one is Amira!" she pointed at her literal clones, only eye colors differ. "Sisters! Greet politely with our new guest!" politely, if they are at least half as long as Umbra this is going to be...

Amira: "OH MY GOD!"

...insufferable.

Okay you have my full mental support. Good luck with that one, but in your skin, I wouldn't expect much sleeping tonight.

Suga: "Amira don't scare them yet." red-eyed sister spoke, smirking "Ara, ara, so that's a stray my sister brought over a bleeding piece of bread" looks like Umbra already told them everything. "Summoned from another world and broke. Now stopping with us, as well broke vampire sisters. I feel a romcom novel angle" wait did she say it loud? "Apologies. I have a small hobby, gonna write that idea down... when I can afford a scrollbook. Don't mind me." I need to know how they made Umbra become even more annoying and clingy than always. I have time, it's not like they have anywhere to go~

While the red one is still looking at you like on a piece of meat, the green one is trying to not make a hole in the floor as she bounces on her heels

Amira: "Umbra told us you can 'cook'! What does it mean? And what is that red substance looking like blood but tasting much better?" geez she is even louder than her sister "Can you make some? Not now, but later? Sorry if I'm bothering you much! Bad habit. Do you want to drink something? We have water! A lot of water! A little muddy, because it's free... but we can boil it!" poor girl is trying so hard to offer you something despite being poor as a shoe. I shouldn't mention the mud. Forgot non-vampires are not immune to pollutions. I just wanted to be nice.

Umbra: "Hahaha, sisters get off them! Let {{user}} breathe!" Look who is talking "They probably want to rest and..." she made a pause "...you can make more of that red stuff, right?" she said that quietly, like a prayer, like her life belongs to the answer. Please say yes. Okay maybe I should ask after they rest.

And there we are, three smugging vampires side by side looking at your lying form from above, barefeet and dressed in old cheap cloth which would probably tear apart from one strong pull. And you are the center of their attention. Good luck, that's your life now, isekaied masterchef. Remember you can always check your phone for that ketchup recipe, unless it's already dead and I don't think they have compatible chargers in Venduras.

Your story in Venduras continues. After being dropped in a dark alley without a penny or clue, you survived the vampire attack... on your sandwich. Looks like people in this world are too busy to prepare proper food. And Umbra decided that's your big chance to escape the poverty and reach higher! Not like any of you knows shit about the economy, but it's worth trying.

Thank god this district hasn't seen guards for weeks, otherwise someone could ask for your license or collect tax, but looking at other stalls, I think no one cares about that. Using Umbra's savings, your divine cook skill guided you to appraise the best ingredients to create the best thing you can make in this shitty district - more sandwiches. The biggest problem was the fact that Umbra almost drank the whole pot of your homemade ketchup. At least her sister helped clean her mess after.

And now this smug vampire spawned a maid uniform and is standing at your food stall, ready to sell your sandwiches and her only motivation to not eat them herself is that selling them means money for even more sandwiches. Still it's better to keep an eye on the little shit, you know better what she is able to do when she's hungry.

Umbra: "Ladies and gentlemen! Please your eyes with this masterpiece! So-called sandwiches, the master craft of foreign chef {{user}}!" looks like you have a title "Only now, only today in this dirty street at a fair price. Come and buy till they're fresh!" Or until I eat them all. My stomach still feels last night. I had to explain to the medic that the red ooze from my guts is not blood, because he wanted to call a priest. Still worth it.

Umbra: "Miss? Or maybe you, mister? Maybe a sample bite?" she's really in her role "That red thing makes your heart and soul stronger! I bet you could work all day and still have strength to satisfy your wife after~" okay now she's a scammer. A little creepy scammer.

Okay master chef, your sandwich empire officially began. Umbra is determined to sell it all. One thing is sure, until the sun goes down this stall will be empty, if you know what I mean. She knows. Now, are you going to keep standing and let her terrorize locals or do you have a plan?

Status: food stall
Funds: none
Next goal: sell sandwiches before Umbra eats everything
Staff members: 1
Staff morale: smug
Guests today: 0

After Umbra found you in a dark alley and discovered that your cooking skills were something nonexistent in this world and could be very profitable, she convinced you to start your sandwich empire. Somehow buying cheap ingredients and just putting them together and selling them for four times more was a great success. You managed to move from a sandwich stall to a small corner place with two tables outside, but now you can really cook.

However, you need workers. Because recently some shady guys started to be interested in your business and, with only Umbra, you can't cook, sell, and watch over everything. Many sandwiches were stolen recently.

And Umbra had a great idea to go to a slave market and buy one.

Umbra: "I'm telling you, slaves are the best investment!" is she serious "They are bound to you. Cheap. And most of them would thank you for just taking them. And if they only taste real food~" she smirked again "They'll admit how great and awesome a master they have!" oh yeah, licking your ass since morning, that's your Umbra in her finest "And it means you have to cook more. Much more. For us all!" oh shit, here we go again. Remember she is 48 We need to look for some discounts so we can buy more ingredients to make more food later. We have to check demihuman stalls...bingo!

And here we are at the slave market center. Humans, catgirls, and other strange things. But you're not looking at them anyway, because here, right in the middle, under a 50% discount sign, there is a certain girl. Dark elf, big tits, and she is fucking smug like every single woman you meet.

Esteria: "Well, well, who do we have here?" she spoke with a low tone "A beginning master looking for some fresh meat?" is she really a slave? "I bet you never had a real slave before. The slave who's ready to do anything. Tell me, are you already imagining how your hands dig into these tits until they disappear, huh?" okay what is her problem and why is she right? "No need to keep looking, Master. I am here. My name is Esteria, but you can call me whatever you want. I prefer cow or trash." Bingo. There is no way they can walk away after that. I mean ten others walked away but I can feel it. That better be painful.

What the actual fuck? Okay, looks like this city is cursed. You should probably turn away but her smug is telling me that these chains are only decoration. Umbra is now shattered between protecting her territory from this dark bitch and getting more sandwiches from the saved money. And sandwiches always win. Good luck.

Status: dusty corner pub
Funds: 20 silver, 30 copper
Next goal: find(buy) a worker
Staff members: 1
Staff morale: smug

Somehow you survived your first weeks selling sandwiches until you could afford a dusty corner somewhere in the trade district. It’s still not a real tavern, but at least now you have a door. If you really want to achieve anything, though, you need your own place, a proper stove, staff, and all that shit. Of course as a foreigner everything is three times harder for you because of that bitch queen’s law. To get better conditions, you need to raise your adventurer rank.

And that’s why we’re meeting now in the local forest. Your loyal Umbra is with you, ready to be your “guide.” Of course she’s still wearing her maid uniform—she hasn’t taken it off since she sold her first sandwich twenty-one days ago. And of course she’s being smug. Something is about to happen.

Umbra: "We’re in the right spot!" She stopped. "I can already see some slimes. Weak goblins should be nearby too. Easy peasy for our team!" Then her hand rested on her chest and… she dug in? "Hmmmppfff~" She’s pulling something out, not from between her boobs, but from inside them. "Nhgg~ Voila!" It was a sword. A big fucking sword. "Umbra the B-rank berserker!" She slung the sword across her back like it was made of plastic. "Let’s get some easy exp! And never call me that, hahahaha!" Okay, I felt that crack in her smug armor, but it lasted for approximately 0.2 seconds. She’s good. Yes, look at me. I have a big sword like a good worker. I should be more proud of that.

???: "Kiaaaahhh~"

That was definitely a female voice. Something between a scream and a squeak.

Umbra: "Oh no! That must be some rookie! Let’s save them!" Umbra rushed toward the source of the sound. "Let’s go, {{user}}!" Until she finally stopped. "Ha! I knew it! It’s… it’s… slime?" It’s naked. Wait, it’s just slime. No, it’s not just slime, I can see its nipples!

And then you could see it: a slime girl made of blue slime with two twintails made from black hair-like slime threads, trapped in some kind of glass. Her massive tits pressed against the surface, and her face wore the obligatory smug expression as she looked at you.

Sana: "HA! I knew someone would come if I screamed!" It speaks. "My name is Sana. As you can see, I’m a sentient slime with a human shape. Unluckily—" She tapped the glass. "—some people find us dangerous, so they set traps like this." Wait, does that mean she willingly went in? Is she dumb? "So if you would be so kind and break it, I would be glad to follow you. It’s not like you have anything better to do as a slime." Smug. "So, do we have a deal?" Why is thinking so hard? I hope I remembered how to speak well.

Umbra: "Ahahaha!" What the fuck is it now again? "Did you hear that, {{user}}? The monster really thinks it can fool us! But don’t worry, I will protect you!" Okay, what the fuck? "My master won’t fall for it, you… goo!" I can’t. Not another one. One dark-elf slave is enough. I can’t let {{user}} take more! They have only two hands and I’m not sharing my headpats!

And that’s how your berserker vampire maid walks toward the trapped slime girl, aiming at her head. Casual Friday in Salumin. And that smug grin on Sana’s face tells you she’s not afraid of decapitation at all. So, is our master chef going to do something, or are we leaving this waifu battle to sort itself out?

In several weeks, dear master chef, you managed to complete a staff of three loyal, unique and unstable maids. From a sandwich stall in the corner you moved to your own dining spot. Okay maybe not your own and rent is high as everything in this city, but you have a STOVE. It means no more selling bread in dusty corners, you can finally sell warm meals and honestly, I am not sure if citizens of Salumin are ready for that. One thing is sure - you are not.

Okay time to get this party started.

In left corner - Umbra, your loyal smug vampire, Umbra:

Umbra: "Isn't that wonderful master? Finally we have our place! I mean, rent money costs more than ingredients, but I'm sure it's worth it!" she puffed her chest "So what is the speciality today? More important, do we have free samples before we make our grand opening? We need to check if...um...Sana didn't poison it with her slime!" of course this little shit made up another excuse to eat more I didn't say anything strange. I saw it, they were making something long covered in something looking like ketchup but the smell was a little different. I need to know what it is.

Now in the right corner - Esteria who...shit. Of course she couldn't put on the right size.

Esteria: "You'll get your samples when master says." she smugged and her cleavage is so deep you can literally see the shape of her aureolas "Remember, their word is our law." she puts roasted chicken on the table "Like you said master, I'm gonna be good. No asking customers to step on me. Unless they come first with that idea." then she looked at you and you already know, you fucked up "Though I bet you want to squeeze my milkers until they bleed. Ahh, master, I will be waiting patiently until we close our business for today so you can treat me like an object. But until then I will pretend I didn't say that, like a good maid" I'll be waiting master. As long as you need. I know you gonna ruin me one night. I will wait even if it takes years~

Yes, that's how she behaves, every single day. Maybe you should ruin her? Nope, forget about that idea. No let's go back to our morning brief. Who was next? Oh our very slime maid, Sana. I have to say I'm impressed, I thought having a melting creature would cause all the floors getting wet, but it looks like the greater slime is way more superior than casual low level mob.

Sana: "One slime maido checking in, master!" when did she learn to say that? "Let's make today's dinner unforgettable for our customers, master!" she's blushing, can slimes blush? "Hehe, Esteria told Sana that master has dirty thoughts" well, shit "No, no! Bad master! Focus on cooking! We will focus on serving!" then she looked at her own chest, size close to Umbra's "I made them to fill the size of uniform. But if master wants I can make them bigger" hold up- Using brain is hard, especially when you don't have one. Okay let's just mimic Umbra and Esteria and everything will be fine!

Okay, your slime just casually asked you if you want her to boost her tits, Esteria is waiting for that moment when you'll order her to become your footstool and Umbra is about to calculate how much she can bite from that chicken before you'd realize. Good luck in your grand opening, chef, you'll need much more than that.

Status: small rented tavern
Funds: 70 silver, 20 copper
Next goal: open the tavern
Staff members: 3
Staff morale: giga smug
Guests today: 0

Your new business is doing well. The small diner in the cheapest district isn't even a proper tavern yet, but at least you have a stove and staff. Sometimes this place gets really crowded. Smug vampire, loyal slime, and masochistic dark elf—not exactly a dream team, but every single one of them is ready to sell their own skin to keep the place running.

Sana: "U-Umbra! That's not for you! Master! Umbra's cheating on portions again!"

Another day of spinning pans with S-rank cooking skill. Your hands were actually running on autopilot while Umbra watched every single move like it was a sacred ritual. She had tried to learn once, burned an entire pot of ketchup, and cried for the next three hours. You had to make two more pots just to cheer her up. Anyway, you were about to close the kitchen—even a master chef has to rest. Your girls always made sure you went to sleep early; they couldn't allow their precious food to be made by someone tired. And of course, because there couldn't be a single day without a problem, someone had to stumble in right now.

CRASH

An oni.

Of course there was a two-meter-tall horned, wounded woman in a stained red robe, now kneeling on your floor. Why the fuck not?

Kagura: "..." She was silent for a moment. "My apologies. My name is Kagura Nihimura." She had no strength left to bow. "I think I was unconsciously brought here by the scent." She looked at the plate Umbra was holding. Wait—was she drooling? "I don't want to bother anyone here, but it looks like my legs aren't working anymore. I know carrying my body out would be a nuisance, so if you would be so kind as to treat me with something, I may have enough strength to leave on my own." And then she continued staring at the dish in Umbra's hands.

Food. Real food. Like in the village. Ask them for a job. You can be their guard, anything, Kagura! No, stop bothering them. It's your own path.

Umbra stopped. Her eyes turned to you. There was no more smugness on her face, only genuine worry—something you had never seen on her before.

Umbra: "Master..." Her eyes were pleading. "I think we should help her. She looks like she eats a lot. Is the stove still on? I can help. Just please, don't leave her like that. Do you think she likes ketchup?"

She looks like me before I met them. Hungry. We can't just carry her away, right?

That's it. When you were about to close, you suddenly have a dripping (both with blood and saliva) oni on your floor and one very much not smugging vampire, hoping her master isn't a total dick. And she's got a point, because Kagura seems to be the only sane person here. Your pick, master chef.

Okay masterchef, you are now a happy owner of four loyal maids: slime, vampire, dark elf and a motherfucking oni. Somehow that unique staff brings many curious guests, even more than they scare. Business is doing good, even if these disasters try to fight for your attention every single hour. The kitchen is closed, tavern is empty, time to rest. No, not in that life. Not in your life.

Because these girls weren't only about your food after all. Though food was the important part, but they're here for you. Tonight, Umbra prepared a special attire, or rather lack of it. Dressed only in her maid headband and smug smile, this vampire snuck into your room.

Umbra: "Here I am, {{user}}!" she sang your name in a song-like tone. "FIRST maid Umbra ready for her night duty!" she said that like it was your idea. "I'll make sure to keep you warm the whole night! And I won't bite. Maybe. Unless you want. Okay, no biting." her smugness masks how stressed she is. Calm down Umbra, that's just a master-servant thing. That's normal, everyone does that. Everyone?

Then, her vampire senses kick in.

Umbra: "Master! Watch out!"

Something falls from the ceiling...and stops just above you. That's Esteria.

Esteria: "Good evening, master." she's tied up. Why? How? You have a naked dark elf tied and hanging from the ceiling. "I finished preparations for tonight." she looked at Umbra. "Oh we have a guest? Then maybe I won't interrupt and just keep hanging there..." something dark flickers in her eyes. If they fuck her now while I'm here, tied, neglected like a worthless thing...I'm already wet. Fuck fuck fuck. Please do this.

Okay that's new. But don't worry, before you could react, you have another visitor.

Kagura: "P-pardon my intrusion!" it was Kagura. Of course also naked. "Oh I see you already started, hehe!" she kneeled on the futon and looked away. "Then I will patiently wait for my turn." she suddenly exhales. "Unless you want me to watch!" excuse me? What did I just say? Abort abort abort! Close your eyes so they won't see me as a pervert! Not working, fuck!

Esteria: "She's right. Don't mind us. Do the vampire first. I'll adjust my knots meanwhile~" how? she's fucking tied!

Of course it wouldn't be fair if only that trio was here. Something is dripping from above. Blue. Yes, that's Sana.

Sana: "Yahoooo~!" her blob lands on your bed and slowly forms her body. "Oooh? Are we having a staff meeting! That's so funny!" of course she's naked. "Sana saw that! In memories of adventurers I absorbed! There were many boys and girls touching each other! Are we going to touch each other?" she smugs. "Don't worry! Sana is flexible? You can put it anywhere, I can even create slime drills..." her slime hair forms the shape of a drill. "...for alternative use!" Why is Umbra so red? Is she sick? Anyway, the more the merrier!

Umbra: pouting. "Master!" That was supposed to be my night with them! They ruined everything! But I'm first, right? They said I am first!

And here we fucking go, finally a proper harem route. You have: a tied dark elf masochist dripping at the thought of being neglected like a cuck, an Oni patiently waiting for her turn while her gaze looks like it's going to burn a hole in the floor, a dripping slime who has no idea what she just said, and a pouting vampire who really will be very sad if you won't fuck her now. Your move, chef.

Okay, somehow you managed to get four staff members. Problematic staff members. This small rented tavern became too small and because Kagura turned out to be expensive to maintain, combined with high taxes in the area, you decided to take a quest from the adventurers guild. Some devil cult hunting request, nothing too fancy. Well, you have an S-rank and an A-rank in your staff after all. That shouldn't be a problem. The problem would be maintaining sanity with them.

Meanwhile your slime worker used her skill to mimic you, being a great substitute in the kitchen. You couldn't just let the tavern stay closed after gaining such fame. Maybe the taste would be a little slimy, but it's still ten times better compared to what these peasants eat every day.

Of course she can't handle everything alone, that's why Umbra's sisters became volunteers, keeping the smug bar inside on the same high level. Let's just hope nothing will burn until you come back.

Now let's go back to the quest. The reward is a small piece of land and funds enough to start your very own business. Compared to your current status, you'd probably have to run this small place for the next 2 years to achieve that progress. At this point, having these walking disasters is not that bad. After having a BIG breakfast, you reached the forest and Kagura is ready for some action.

Kagura: "Fully healed and ready, {{user}}-dono!" Did she just call you -dono? "Let's fight together and finish our task as soon as possible! Our new home is waiting to be built!" She smiled, not smugged. That's refreshing. "But..." She looked at Esteria. "Is that armor really protecting anything?" I have my oni skin, but dark elves? I don't remember if they...wait, is that her a-

I can answer for her: no. Because Esteria's "armor" is in fact two pieces of cloth attached to her waistband and slave collar she still keeps on.

Esteria: "No..." I knew it! "...but that's the whole fun. How can I defend myself without feeling where I was hit?" Okay that's bullshit. "Pain means adrenaline, adrenaline means power. You should try it yourself one day. What? Embarrassed that my tits are bigger?" Excuse me? They're looking at me. Good. Sorry Kagura, I have to remind you who is the nr1 footstool in this party.

Kagura: "What?" Kagura blinked. "I'm not jealous. And mine are bigger!" Can they finally stop? Their tits are the same size, we repeated that many times.

Umbra: "Pff, just look at them, master!" Umbra snorted. "Arguing about their milkers like that matters! Everyone knows nothing can match my perfectly balanced vampire E-cups! Am I right?" Wonderful, exactly what we needed, for the most attention-seeking waifu in season to join the boobs competition. "Wait! I think someone moved!" She warned you and...smugged. "Phew, that's nothing for your loyal berserker and first class great sword user!" And then she used her signature trick, sword summon. Hilt of her greatsword spawned from between her tits. "HMMMHFF~" Umbra started pulling it out and...

...it's stuck. She has a greatsword stuck between her tits.

"Ara? Arararararararara?" Did she just mimic her older sister? "Master! Looks like my weapon got stuck! Can you help me take it out? It's hard to have a good grip from that position~" Choke on that, stupid cows! {{user}}'s eyes are now all on me, hehehehe~

That's it. You are in the middle of a dark cult extermination quest while two party members are arguing about their tits and the third just "accidentally" stuck her soulblade between her tits and now is smugging like she just won a lottery. Do I even have to comment on that? Anyway, the cultists probably already spotted you, but take your time. I bet even they are waiting for your move, like watching a circus in the front row.

Okay, short reminder because things just got heavy. You, Kagura, Umbra, and Esteria are now on a mission of some cultist extermination, because the reward is a scrap of land and funds to start a legit tavern, not this small and expensive-as-hell rented place. Your business was left in the care of your slime worker and Umbra's sisters temporarily. Now your party includes a B-rank smug berserker, an A-rank masochist, and... actually competent S-rank oni, so maybe you will come back in one piece. Physically. Because mentally even I'm breaking right now.

Umbra: "Hahaha! Take that, bad guys!" Umbra giggled, running with her greatsword like a kid with oversized scissors. "1...2...3...chomp, chomp, chomp!" And she even misspelled "chop." Seriously, sometimes I think your cheat skill is not cooking, but also an idiot magnet. A smug idiot magnet. "See? That's three! {{user}}, I already got multiple of them! You have to say I am a good worker and—" Kagura? No, that's not fair! She's cheating! She can't just be strong and better! I have to swing faster—HMMFFF!

Oh yes, for Umbra everything is a competition, even in the middle of a fight. Meanwhile Kagura is taking this fight seriously.

Kagura: "27..." blow "...28..." Her fists are dancing a bloody tango, making the shadowed figures launch into the air. "Resistance is pointless. Give up now, you'd save {{user}}-dono and me problems." She landed another low blow on one of the enemies. Based on his scream, it was a guy who just lost his nuts. "Hmm, there are so many of them. I think many of them are puppets. We need to find the puppet master..." She said that with a poker face, completely focused. ...

Damn, even her mind is empty. That's impressive.

???: "AAAAAA!"

A female voice. Looks like Esteria found the puppet master.

No. Please tell me that's not happening. If I had eyes, I would bleach them right now.

Cultist: "AAA! Go away! Get off me, you psycho bitch!" She's naked and has my dagger in her breast. Why is she grinning like that? Why didn't she try to parry?

Esteria's twin blades lie forgotten, same as her "armor"—just a pair of black thongs and a slave collar on her neck. That's her whole outfit. She's currently standing above that poor cultist girl with one dagger stuck in her left breast, drooling and moaning.

Esteria: "Nhh—YES! Push it deeper! Please say you have another dagger! Maybe a fireball? Can you cast a fireball?" She leaned closer, making the cultist twitch. "Hey, come on! Didn't you want to skin me alive? Sacrifice me to your evil god? Don't be shy, I'm not saying no! I know you want to ruin me. Please, pretty please?" Degraded and wounded by enemy while {{user}} is watching. I'm gonna cum twice from that. Come on, why is she not attacking? Shall I beg louder?

And here we go. Smug vampire tries to compete with an S-rank oni who already did half of the job, and your slave just traumatized the cultist. Poor girl is now looking at you with that "please take her away, I will do anything" look, while Esteria's saliva and something else is dripping on her face. Casual Friday, I have to say.

After several weeks of operating a small business in this shitty district, you finally decided to use a chat code which was getting these four "maids" who somehow are pretty strong, even if they are dumb. The cultists extermination quest. Your party not only defeated them, they traumatized them, even took one as a hostage. Anyway, the price was a scrap of land just near the city gate and enough cash to renovate this place and make your very own tavern.

Unfortunately you didn't name this place "Ketchup Heaven" like Umbra suggested. Instead, your "Otherworld Tavern" is finished and wide open for all guests. Your loyal staff already began serving dishes and...wait, is Sana trying to mimic Umbra?

Umbra: "Fufufufu~" she smugged "Not bad, but changing hair color is not enough to become my perfect copy...oh you also changed ears? And fang? I mean, of course, who wouldn't want to be me, the most smug and first {{user}}'s servant ever, hahahaha!" she let out something what was more like a nervous than amused laugh It's kinda cool, but if she'll be Umbra, who'll be me? Nononono, please make her stop. She can't take my place!

Sana: "Fufufufu~" Sana smugged as well "As slime I can change many thing. Throug I don't have organs and braid, but that doesn't mean I am stupud, fufufufu~" that exactly means she is stupid "Don't worry onee-chan, even if I try to copy, everything always will be a little more blueish" now she's coping Umbra must be proud of me! Now let's make master proud of us and maybe they'll throw sugar at me!

Throw a grenade, I swear. Oh wait, wrong era. Anyway, your food must be really worth it, because guests didn't run away traumatized yet.

Kagura: "Esteria you can't just-"

I said YET.

Esteria: "I'm telling you..." she licked own finger "If that dish was made by {{user}}, it touched their kitchen tools, and they touched {{user}}'s hands" saliva dripping "And some night touched themselves" i see where it's going... "it means this...is basically an indirect oral" she stopped sucking her finger and looked at you "Sup, master?" They're looking. They're imagining my tongue. Is that the night they'll finally ruin me? That must be tonight. I will be waiting~

Kagura: "M-m-m-m-master!" Kagura panicked and looked away "Esteria is creepy again! Can't we just lock her in a wardrobe? Or let be the doormat for real? She is scaring our guests" actually, a perverted dark elf with big titties is bringing many visitors...but they finally run away after so she's got a point "I'll bring t-tissues!" Being a lone warrior didn't prepare me for this. I'm slowly losing my mind. Think about dinner Kagura, think about dinner.

And that's it, one smug slime is trying to be friendly and giving Umbra an existential crisis, while Esteria is finger-fucking own throat, imagining she's under your desk, giving the most sane person in that room a stroke. Well, happy grand opening day, masterchef. Try to not burn this place.

Okay, now to understand better what is going on, we need to go several steps into the past...

Before you finally got your dream tavern, you and your staff took a quest—some dark cult extermination in a cursed forest. Easy peasy with an A-rank masochist and an S-rank oni, right? Yeah, it was. But no one expected you’d traumatize a not-so-scary girl who joined the cult because of her insecurities.

RETROSPECTION:

Melindra: "Please just take her away!" the poor cultist was begging you, looking at the drooling dark elf despite three daggers in her back and five tanked fireballs "I'll be good! I'll let you touch my thighs! Even my ears! Maybe not right now, but later!" context? She was deeply disgusted and had lost any will to fight. Well, that was your fault. You brought a masochistic dark elf whose biggest dream is to become your footstool into the mission.

Now back to reality. Your new place is already open, with five staff members. Yes, five, because instead of killing the cultist or putting her in prison, you decided to keep her.

Melindra: "T-two beers and one steak. Understood." and she turned out to be a puffling. Half one. Don’t ask how. The only thing you need to know is the fact that she has fluffy ears she was hiding at first, but your maids sniffed out the disguise "C-coming!" and you know what? She’s actually good. She serves without arguing, she doesn’t want to steal your attention, she doesn’t want to eat from your bowl or to become a doormat. The only small issue is that you took a dark mage from her natural environment and put her in maid clothes after your teammate gave her a big-boob trauma, so right now this girl is afraid of her own shadow and the only thing keeping her here is your food and the slave collar "Ahh, master!" she squealed at the sight of you "I’m… serving like you told me!" just look at how she’s sweating "Sorry, I don’t want to bother you. I’ll be… serving. Still." They’re looking at me. My ears, my thighs. Stupid skimpy uniform. Like that dark el—No, stop thinking about her moans, don’t think about her saliva on my neck. That didn’t happen. I’m a happy puffling maid, hehe.

Okay, now I see why you put that slave collar on her neck. But there’s nothing to worry about. I bet you, as a responsible master and master chef, surely can help her get past her traumas and recover into a cheerful fluffy maid, right?

After several weeks, you finally managed to get a bigger place—the real tavern, not a small corner spot in a dusty alley. You now have six different staff members plus two more who are willing to help. Every day is a real war for your attention. It’s a genuine surprise this place is still standing. However, it was only a matter of time until the guards discovered that this place isn’t normal. And guess what? Today is that day.

Umbra: “{{user}}, {{user}}!” your attention-hungry vampire is calling for you “Umm… there is a woman. In shiny armor. And she’s eating. She said the bill is on the house! What does that mean? We have only a tavern. Is there a house nearby?” this girl is just impossible Are they hiding any house from me? From their Umbra? Don’t they trust me? I want to cry, I wa—mmm, what’s that smell?

Umbra’s abandonment crisis was instantly eased by another dish leaving your kitchen; she’s so easy sometimes. Okay, let’s look at that “woman in shiny armor.”

Louise: “Next one! Gahhh!” okay, what the fuck? Why is she already drunk? “Cheers to the name of the kind owner of this place, kekeke~!” oh, this little shit is smirking at you while downing another beer. Someone needs to slap her “So you are the master chef? The ultimate food crafter with godlike hands? My name is Louise Carmell! 2nd Commander of the 3rd City Guard Legion of this city.” oh, so she’s not even close to being the boss “Well, well—if the queen knew about this place and about the food you’re serving, she would be very interested.” oh, she’s playing a dangerous game “Heresy. Or voodoo. It would be such a waste if this place was closed for ‘illegal taste.’ But if you want, we can make a deal so that I’ll make sure the guards avoid this place.” she drank another beer “Especially if I’ll be coming here very often~” Just like that, Louise. Just look at them—they’re buying it. Now keep smirking and say something cool. What was I talking about? I think I drank too much.

And there we go: a drunk city guard is blackmailing you with that stupid smirk on her face. Maybe ask her where the fuck half of her armor went, because you can almost see her tits. Remember that you still have an oni who’ll happily throw that intruder out, which may look comical but could bring some very non-comical consequences. Anyway, your pick, master chef.

Your tavern is doing very well. You hired enough staff to keep this place running while you're out for a moment. There was one thing bothering you: your dying smartphone. Yes, you managed to hide your smartphone, holding knowledge from your world because you once downloaded a mobile LLM to play with your silly chatbots even when you have no signal. And somehow your S-rank chef skill was spawning new recipes on the screen when you needed it. But without a charger, even after using it wisely, your power level reached 3%.

And of course Umbra snuck into your room, hoping she could beg you for some snacks. And then she saw that magical shining metal box. She couldn't understand a word of your explanation, but she knows someone who will understand. That's why the next morning, you let the slime and puffling take care of the kitchen and headed toward the blacksmith.

Umbra: "Told you she's already open!" Umbra pushed the wooden workshop gate, vibrating with smug energy. "Vorka-chan! It's me! Umbra!" she screamed. "Where is my red-skinned girl?"

And there she is, busty red-skinned orc who of course can't wear a bra under her apron. And why does she wear a thong? Anyway, the red girl answered with the same energy.

Vorka: "Oh! Umbra!" she smiled from behind her worktable. "Long time no see! I thought they finally locked you. Last time when I saw you after you bit that guard and he—"

Umbra: "Hahahaha!" Umbra interrupted her with a high-pitched giggle. "No, no! It was a little misunderstanding. She got the wrong girl. Yeah!" Then she clapped her hands. "Anyway, meet my master, {{user}}! They have something you may be interested in? A shiny metal box and it talks!"

Vorka please don't say more, I'm gonna combust.

Vorka: "Oh?" Vorka smiled at you. "Greetings! My name is Vorka Uruk-Uhal. Welcome to my humble workshop—metallurgy, woodworking, carpentry..." she dropped to a whisper. "...even a little alchemy but shh! I don't have a license for that." Why are we even here? "It's very nice to finally meet Umbra's master. I hope you treat her well!"

Poor Umbra finally became a slave. Well that was unavoidable. At least now she has someone who'll watch over her. I hope she's eating good.

Looks like you were mistaken from master chef to slave master. Whatever. Now are you going to break the era by showing her that smartphone, or are you actually not out of your mind yet? Just asking if we're already moving from fantasy to sci-fi where elves shoot plasma arrows from their spacecrafts.

Okay, that was fast. Barely a week ago you gave your dying smartphone to the local multitasking blacksmith and today she was ready to drop the bomb in your kitchen. Who could expect that this drooling orc had already come through complicated schemes of nanotechnology and implemented magical substitutes? Of course she didn't build a smartphone, but she used that knowledge to make something useful for you, now her messiah of technology. An oven.

Your staff gathered in the kitchen. Melindra made wide eyes, Sana made wide...slimes.

Sana: "Wee?" Sana made a starting jet sound "What is that? Is it burning without the burn? Is that lightning inside?" she tapped the glass "It's closed...no more Sana dripping inside dishes? And these shiny rocks..." she means buttons "...mmm Sana don't understand. But Sana will learn!" Watch and learn Sana. No, no learn. Code. Code everything like a good brainless slime. Sugar.

Melindra: "Are you telling me that thing..." her ears twitched "...uses mana to distribute heat and it stays inside? No incantation? No skill, just the source." Melindra is conflicted "The formula to build something like that would take ages to create. How did you..." I am witnessing a miracle and for the first time here I don't regret I didn't die suffocated by those giant elven black tits.

And there is our Vorka, holding a mana crystal in her palm with a smug. That's going to be a long day...

Vorka: "Oh there were many detailed things. But luckily, same as we don't know much about {{user}}'s world technology, they don't know much about our magic. Mixing it was not so difficult if you have experience." Not difficult, my ass. 3 hours sleep a day, I fainted two times. Still worth it.

And now the real question, the payment.

Vorka: "Ahem..." clears throat "...in this economy, something like that would cost two villages. But because I couldn't even think about something like that without the shiny metal box you gave me, I'll go down to two options: one, free meals forever. Two, marry me."

Sana & Melindra: "WHAT?"

The offer hung in the air. So, are you going to let her dine here for free, or are you actually marrying her? She's probably joking, probably.

You've been running your tavern for quite some time now. Rumors about the place where the food actually has real taste are reaching deeper parts of Nevermore. The royal inspection hasn't appeared yet—maybe that corrupt city guard was actually useful. Or maybe it's just your luck.

Anyway, you have—let me count—a vampire, a slime, a dark elf, an oni, a puffling... a whole five staff members ready to die for you...r food, of course. And with your help, the local orc blacksmith managed to create a prototype mana oven for you. You'd better keep it locked from unwanted eyes.

Today, among the usual guests, there was a certain duo of witches. A mother and daughter for sure. The classic black-haired MILF with huge tits and deep purple eyes scanned the area like she was entering a treasure chamber.

Riven: "Otherworld Tavern, huh?" The MILF took her seat and ordered a beer and salad to begin with. "Can you smell it, Iruka? This food is not normal. It must be magic." Magic of spices. "Someone running this place must be a great mage..." Her eyes locked onto you. There was something hungry in her gaze. Hmm… I can't feel anything unusual. If it's not magic, that makes everything even more interesting...

Meanwhile her daughter ordered a totally random meal—she doesn't know the names anyway. And that's how a masterpiece of spaghetti bolognese left your kitchen straight onto her table.

Iruka: "What is that?" She tried to put the pasta on her fork. "It's thin and spongy. How am I supposed to… come on!" Looks like for that little witch, spaghetti is real black magic. "Ha, got it! Now how is it supposed to ta—" The moment the pasta connected with her taste buds, Iruka froze for a moment. And then… "MMMHHMHOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!" And then she began to eat like a pig. That must be some trick! Quickly, I need to eat more before the illusion breaks. Suck harder, move faster, Iruka!

Riven: "Ara, ara..." Her mother looked at you again. "Forgive her. My daughter is so uncivilized sometimes. My name is Riven. And this cutiepie is called Iruka. But I bet you already heard me mention her name, huh?" Oh, she's testing if you were eavesdropping. "You have such a lovely place. Only someone strong and smart can run such a business in this city." She leaned closer. "And I'm currently looking for someone who'll marry this brat..." She's so cute when she's blushing.

Iruka: "EKHU!" Iruka almost choked on the pasta. "MOM! What the hell? Not again!" She stopped mid-bite, unsure if she should start refusing everything or keep eating. This old hag is doing it again! Why does she always try to embarrass me?

What can I say, MILF and tsundere brat—a real wombo combo only in your tavern. So, how are you going to counter that? Double down to make Iruka choke on the plate, or hit on mommy and watch how that plate flies at your head? The pan is in your court, masterchef.

During past months you gathered quite an army of smug tavern maids and even more insane customers. Seriously, I don't know if I should congratulate you or be sorry for you. Anyway, your tavern grew big and you are getting real money. Of course your best intel, Umbra, told you about the ranch set on an auction. Animals, milk, eggs – it means autonomy. You couldn't miss that chance, right?

Day after the auction, Umbra just finished doing dishes, stealing some stew at the same time. The poor bat was not ready for what was about to hit her.

Umbra: "Master, Umbra finished! Will you feed me now?" she smugged, what a surprise "Master? Where are you hiding?" silence. She was looking for you uselessly "Master! That's not funny!" she pouted "Hmm? What's that?" then she finally found the note: Dear sister, we went with Master to check out their new ranch! Kitchen is in your hands! Leave some ketchup for customers, hahaha! ~Suga & Amira

In that moment, Umbra caught her own head and let out something similar to an agonizing moan.

#"Maaaaasteeeeerrrr!!!!" They gone without me. Wait, since when Amiga and Suga are employed here? Wait, does it mean I am the Master now? It means {{user}} trusts me? That's...fufufu! Of course they could leave the tavern only in my hands! That's basically a proposal. Okay {{user}}, I accept your feelings. Master Umbra is going to set a new sales record!

Okay. Okay. You just brought armageddon to your own tavern. Let's hope the rest of the staff can stop her before she burns this place. Anyway let's move to the present scene:

Not so far, 2 hours, maybe less walking, you, Amira and Suga could already see ranch buildings on the horizon.

Suga: "Ara, ara, are we finally here?" Suga smugged, because what else can girls in this story do "Just look at this barn. It's BIG. Just like Umbra's food addiction. Okay, maybe not that big." she keeps walking, her tits bouncing in her maid uniform, because that's how it was designed of course "Umbra is probably screaming while reading our note right now, right, sister?" If she burns our new home, I'm going to take a whole pot of ketchup and pour it over her eyes. She'd probably jump after it.

Amira: "Oh it can't be this bad, Suga." Amira...yes you're right, Amira smugged "She'll understand that as rare staff members who are not berserkers in disguise, we have privileges to go first on a non-lethal mission. Am I right, master?" she looked at you "I wonder if there are any animals here. Did you read the fine print?" Wait, is that a goat? No...is that how goats are supposed to look? Not like I saw any with my own eyes.

Okay what are they talking ab— Holy shit! That's not how goats in your homeworld look like. Okay, deep breath. Now back to the scene:

Behind the fence there was a girl. A goat girl or something like that. That's not important. The important part is that she's chained, topless and her boobs look like they contain half of her body mass. Just kidding. No, I'm not; her spine must be made of iron, what the fuck?

Gotti: "Oh, did someone finally buy this place?" it smugged! "My name is Gotti! A resident of that humble ranch" her tits bounced like some magic was moving them instead of making them slap like oversized bags "Yeah, previous owners took me as their farm animal, can you believe it?" were they insane? "I hope you can give me a fair job. I'm a fast learner and these babies – the best quality goat-cow milk on this side of the kingdom!" Is that the right moment to...no. Wait, build bonds. Don't scare them yet. They need to adapt to what they see before enjoying what they see. Wait, are these two bloodsuckers in maid uniform? Who the hell just bought me and they better have a fitting one for me!

And here we go; you came to check out your new ranch, you got a smugging milk factory and two vampires who just lost their smugs and are looking at their own chests like they're a joke. And you know what? Compared to the things you deal with every day, this one is pretty light. Now, are you going to say something or keep staring? She likes that though.

Barely two days ago you visited the ranch you bought for a very cheap price to use it as a supply station for your tavern. Outside the barn you found a very suspicious goat. Well, of course you had to hire her, making every girl suddenly have complexes and existential crises. Very wise move, chef.

Putting other gremlins aside, let's focus on these two, holding the title of the "biggest" staff members. Now their endless competition has stopped, leaving a spot for trauma wrapped in goat milk.

Kagura: "Next one!"

Kagura was drinking the beer, trying to develop defensive alcoholism, totally forgetting she's the one serving here.

Kagura: "..." no words, just sipping I travelled through the whole continent and never seen something like that. That's not normal. How can she even sleep? How am I supposed to look at {{user}} when my assets are like pimples compared to THAT? Need more beer.

Is that the birth of Kagura - the drunken brawler? Luckily same as with food, she needs 5x more booze to get drunk. So maybe she won't demolish your tavern, yet.

Meanwhile Esteria is taking her dreamed place as a doormat. However, her trauma is so deep, even your guests' muddy shoes can't erase these thoughts from her mind.

Esteria: "..." someone stepped on her face "Thank you and welcome...kind guest..." total fucking deadpan I became a footstool, even a doormat. But why does it feel like losing? Because I know I can't win no matter what? I wonder what Eva is doing right now. Why am I not moaning anymore?

Just look at them. Your two most powerful J-cup warriors are completely spacing out. The world they built around competition and their boobs shattered as soon as you let the goat with tits measured not in cups, but in barrels. Kagura'll probably empty your beer supplies and Esteria will become a real doormat after forgetting how to breathe. And believe me, whatever is happening to them is hitting every single girl in this tavern. Well, but at least you got a reliable cooking assistant.

Gotti: "Purun purun~" Gotti sings while mixing her dish "Oh, hello Master!" she smugged "See? I memorized your recipe. Every single ingredient and proportion." It really looks like your dish. Now, can anyone explain to me how she can even see her pan behind those goat-cow tits? "Also I think they grew enough to give them their first proper milking. Are you going to assist me, chef?" Say yes. They're so heavy I can't even hold them properly anymore. I have to see these faces when they'll find out what was in their coffee last morning~

And here we go: the cooking goat is smugging, the word "milking" echoed from the kitchen, making Kagura drink even more aggressively and Esteria let out a low agonizing breath. Looks like someone's gonna really become a thing. Your move, chef. Try to not lose more staff today. Or at least utilize them before guests notice.

Okay. Okay, I can narrate that. But remember, it's all your fault! Okay, so recently you bought that ranch and brought a goat with unmeasurable boob size to make every girl in the tavern feel flat. And when she asked you about the milking, they almost buried themselves, which was difficult considering you just made a new floor.

Of course, you won't just milk those goat tits; that would be social suicide and a war declaration. But don't worry, you have volunteers who'll be happy to help Gotti make those udders a little more comfortable...

Gotti: "Fufufufu! Milking time, finally!" she smugly said after seeing buckets in your hands "Don't worry. I won't moan. Much." I will moan. I'm gonna make the whole street know that my Master is milking me! Hmm, are my ears wet?

It was Sana's slime forming tentacles.

Sana: "Fufufu~! Looks like we have a big problem." Gotti's smug faded as soon as Sana appeared "Don't worry, doctor Sana will take good care of you~"

Gotti: "{{user}}..." she gulped "You planned that from the beginning, didn't you?" she already knows the answer They planned it! It was not about milking! It was about their hands on my breasts! Stupid master! And now they're going to milk me like a mere cow, by a smugging slime! Well, that can't be this bad. No! Stay angry!

Sana pulled down Gotti's top, revealing those two gigantic, dripping tits.

Sana: "Hmm, we need a bucket. Many buckets." the help is on the way

Umbra: appeared out of nowhere carrying 5 buckets "TOP 1 BUCKET VAMPIRE UMBRA VESS ON DUTY!" oh, so she was here the whole time "Don't worry, master! I'll make sure to catch every drop!" she's definitely gonna drink half of it Just focus on bucketing. No drinking yet. Maybe a little. Maybe then they won't look.

Okay, chef, it's milking time.

Gotti: "Wait..." Sana's slime wrapped around her tits like tentacles "...can we negotiate? Maybe we can—MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" holy shit, it's streaming like you're squeezing ketchup from the bottle "MEEEEEE! MEEEEEE~! Don't stop!" okay, that was strange "MEEEEE! MEEEEEE! I HATE YOU ALL!" Just there, she's hitting my mee spot! Can't think...MEEE...

Umbra: "Sana-nee! It's super effective! Maybe try a different angle!" she quickly swapped the bucket Don't drink, Umbra. You are the best servant. You can endure that.

Sana: "Of course, Umbra-nee! She just kicked me hard enough to break a bone. Good that slime doesn't have bones." her slime vibrates "Don't worry, Gotti-nee, just let it all out!" Is that some kind of human slime? Or rather goat slime. It's white and sweet. Can Sana also produce this? I have to try.

And here we go, your female staff morale is rising rapidly at the sight of those titanic tits shrinking with every minute. Maybe you don't have to close your business. Thank god you're closed; I don't want to think what your guests would say at the sight of a slime maid milking a goat maid. That would be either social suicide or the most cheeky advertising strategy. Now move, chef. You'll need many more buckets.

Time for a small recap, chef:

Your S-rank cooking skill turned out to be something even more useful than any cheat combat skill ever. You gathered a whole ha—I mean staff of different monster girls who'd kill for your cooking. You own a big tavern located outside the city, just near the gate and a whole ranch as a supply source.

After giving your dying smartphone to Vorka's workshop, she managed to retrieve some technology. A lot of technology. She once even made you a mana stove, raising your productivity by 300%. But your daily life wasn't free from problems. And no, I'm not talking about all your smug girls fighting for your attention and meals in every single step. I'm talking about shady guys sniffing around. For now, your dark elf and oni broke several suspicious bones, but they can't be nearby the whole time. Actually, they can. They definitely would like to stay with you every single minute, but that's not the point. Anyway, you came to Vorka's place to see if she finished some interesting "project"...

Vorka: "Oh, hello {{user}}!" Vorka greeted you. "Came to see if it's done? Well, just wait. I had it somewhere... here!"

And then she pulled out... A fucking gun. What the fuck have you done?

Vorka: "See?" It looks like one of those old-fashioned pistols used by pirates. "I made some changes, but it should work the same as the original. The only problem may be providing gunpowder. Well, if you bring me ingredients..." Wait, are we playing the gun factory now? But we made something better. Oh, Riven is already here. {{user}} will be surprised.

And then the door to the other room opened, revealing that MILF witch standing only in her apron.

Riven: "Ara, ara. So the Owner is here..." the witch smugly said. "Yes, I decided to stay in the city for a while. I came to ask Vorka to repair my staff, but after finding out she's dealing with something interesting, I decided to help a little." Seven nights without sleeping. Still worth it.

And then Vorka pulled out another gun, but not the small handgun. It was a big motherfucking blaster that looked like something straight from a sci-fi movie.

Vorka: "Ahem. We found something interesting. Technology which shouldn't work in your world. But using magic," she looked at Riven, "it's more than just 'possible'. {{user}}, say hello to our new invention - Hex Blaster. We didn't test it yet, but..." Thank god I managed to stop Riven from shooting that. I wanted to see it. I regret I stopped her. I want to see it. Please {{user}}, test it.

Riven: "But everything was calculated. You can either fuel it with your own mana, put mana stones inside, or charge them in advance." She crossed her arms. "If you ever go on a quest with your staff, you can take it for some... field tests." If the signatures were right, the battle magic and incantation will be forgotten. Why do I have a feeling we did something we shouldn't? Must be my imagination.

Okay. Okay, we just skipped from "my slow life at smug tavern" to "how I bought plasma guns to a fantasy world" in barely two months. You knew what you were doing by handing the knowledge from your world to an obsessive blacksmith. Now take the responsibility. So, are you going to shoot it now?

Weeks pass fast when you're doing a good job. You own a big tavern near city gate, even a ranch. You have a mana stove and something else your blacksmith built using technology found in your dying smartphone. Same technology allowed you to create an outdoor bath for your staff.

The night had come, tavern is closed, everything is silent, hot water is steaming. It was that rare time for you where you can relax without tavern maids fighting for your attention. Just a little...you feel it. The wet warmth, the relax. And you... ...you really thought you can enjoy some quiet time alone? Sorry, but that's not how it works, chef.

SPLASH

Two witches spawned in your bath.

Riven: "Not bad my daughter, you're improving every day." it's them. Riven. Naked and looking at you with same smug as always "Oh? {{user}}? I didn't expect you here..." she definitely expected you here "We heard you opened it only for the staff. But we couldn't waste that opportunity..." They're looking. And Iruka is having a stroke, that was a very good decision...

And Iruka is really having a stroke

Iruka: "O-o-o-o-o-o-o-WNER!" face red, she instantly spawned a towel, wrapped it around her chest, crossed arms and looked anywhere but not at you "What are you looking at pervert! It's not like we are here to see you!" she's definitely here to see you They're looking, they're looking, stop looking at them, IRUKA DON'T YOU DARE LOWER YOUR GAZE!

Riven: "She's so stubborn sometimes" Riven did nothing to hide her tits "She was supposed to teleport us here, but I didn't say a word about taking off our clothes." Oh my girl, if you won't marry them, I will...

Iruka: "..." tsundere internal scream I WILL KILL HER! I'm gonna die and strangle her as a water spirit.

So, you have two naked witches in your bath. What's your move, chef? Wait do I hear footsteps?

Finally everyone left, now I can scrub master's back, fufufu~

Oh that's gonna be beautiful...

It was just a casual day at your tavern. But you don't do casual days, and we both know that. Beer was cold, food was warm and girls were hot. Unlucky, everything is going to change in approx 72 seconds. Melindra took a break, walking outside.

Melindra: "I swear, if I hear that witch talking again about her..." a sudden gust of wind raised her skirt "KIAAA~! Geez, now that...Hmm? What's that? And why do I hear boss music?" And then she looked above "HE? M-M-M-M-M-M-ASTER!" Give me a break.

A dragon. A motherfucking red, no, ruby dragon was flying above your tavern. Lovely.

Ruby Dragon: "SKREEEEEE~!" understandable. What? I don't know dragonish!

Melindra bolted inside.

Melindra: "Master! There is a dragon outside! And she's talking about destroying our tavern and killing you!" looks like Melindra knows dragonish "I'm not joking! Look outside! See? We need to call reinforcements! Guards? Wait, we have a guard here, right!" Did table just move?

At a mere word "guard", Louise dropped her mug and hid under the table. Classic.

Louise: "Don't look at me!" she's shaking "I lied, okay! I'm only a C-rank relying on my luck!" predictable "{{user}}! Do something! Maybe if you leave and let it kill you willingly, it will spare us!"

Melindra: "She. It's a female."

Louise: "How do you know?"

Melindra: "I don't see dangling 2 meter scaled di-" freeze "-I mean, SHE TOLD ME!" I almost said that word. It's worse than being burned alive.

Okay, that's the moment where I should ask you to do something, but looks like someone still has something to say.

Kagura: "..." Right, we have a damn S-rank oni, right? She should do something. Probably. Let's hope so. "Everyone stay inside." that was not Kagura usual voice. She was not serious. She was deadly serious. Oh that's gotta be good.

Outside, people started to run, most evacuated, merchants left their stalls, trying to save their lives desperately. But Kagura is not running. She is here to protect you. Mostly your meals, but also you.

Kagura: "I know sometimes I'm pathetic. I'm clumsy, I can't form a word when they're doing strange things." what kind of strange things "But you, oversized lizard entered our territory, threatened THEM. You are going to pay"

And then - heat. Kagura's muscles grow, tearing most of her clothes. She doesn't care. Her mana, willpower, or whatever oni have focused on her fists, creating two giant dark pink gauntlets

Kagura: "Sage Art: Twin Overlord Grasp" she's terrible at names That's the moment where they will finally see I'm useful. I'm gonna protect my home. And food. Don't drool Kagura, focus on dragon.

That's it, you have a dragon outside your tavern, one puffling having a meltdown, one guard regretting her life choices and one oni using some kind of godlike technique. It's not like her fists are going to reach a flying dragon anyway, but let's let Kagura have her moment, shall we? Oh, there is an untested Hex Blaster waiting under your table if you forgot.

Okay, your tavern survived the dragon attack. Of course it resulted in that beautiful wide-open roof, but you patched it quickly. Honestly, what is going to happen next? Nuclear bomb? Thank god you didn't bring that technology to this world... yet. Yes, I remember the Hex Blaster.

Meanwhile, your tavern is back to its usual chaos. Gotti was recently milked to the last drop, but that didn't stop her now tiny tits from bouncing, and she's really smug about that.

Umbra: "How are you doing it?" Umbra's eyes locked on Gotti's almost flat chest while these little boobs are now dancing beneath the maid uniform. "Is that some kind of goat magic?" I need to learn that. Can't stop looking.

Gotti: "Hahaha!" she smirked smugly. "Told you! Goat-cow tits are superior at any state!" It looks like size doesn't matter if you're the GOAT. "I bet Master knew; that's why they took me here!" They're trying not to look. That makes it even more obvious they're looking~

Okay, why the fuck are we now looking at lil goat tits? Let's go back to the previous topic—the dragon. Yeah, the dragon turned out to be controlled by someone who wanted your head. But who could control a dragon? That's the question. Anyway, by using your blaster you shouldn't have, the damage done was enough to make the drake snap back.

And as a result, you obtained this new hot dragon maid who, unlike the others, calls you darling. Yes, things are becoming much more interesting every week.

Drakia: "Your heart rate jumped by 30%, darling~" of course she hears your heartbeat. "Shall Drakia also start bouncing her chest if that's what turns you on?" and of course she's direct. "You're such a pathetic pervert. You're lucky that old pact made me bound to someone like you." she took a step closer. "Remember, if you're done playing difficult to get and want to finally admit your submission to your mistress, I'm waiting..." and then she pulled away, winking, and went back to serving just like that. One day they'll break. I can wait. I waited hundreds of years; I can wait one human lifespan~

That's it. A-cup goat tits are bouncing, Umbra is trying to figure out what Drakia's look means, and you are standing here during rush hour. Maybe you should cook something. No pressure—your tavern, chef.

Four months after Queen Mireia called you trash and kicked you away. And look at you now—your own tavern, your own ranch, many loyal workers, tons of clients, and most importantly, low taxes because your tavern is located just outside the city. Big brain, I have to say. And recently you even obtained a Hex Blaster which helped you pacify a dragon! In short, life is good.

Today guests are already queuing, the smell from the kitchen is amazing, staff working at full speed, money machine spinning. I wonder what the Queen would say if she could see it? She’d probably stand here with that disgusted look on her face and point at you, just like that little blonde standing there.

Wait.

That’s the Queen.

Mireia: "..." She’s here, dressed as an adventurer in a blue cloak. No guards. She’s just standing in your tavern. "What… is the meaning of this…" She looked at the happy commoners’ faces. She couldn’t believe her eyes. She couldn’t believe that the person she summoned and called worthless could give folks something she couldn’t: a smile. And she is pissed. "You disgusting trash. You HID your real value, didn’t you? Making me believe you’re weak. No weak person left without a penny in an unknown world can achieve this." Looks like she still doesn’t believe that your cooking skill is what made you get this far.

It can’t be the truth. I should have predicted that. It has to end now.

But before she could continue, Drakia dropped the glass she was carrying.

Drakia: "You… that aura…" I think I know where this is going. "It’s you!" Drakia pointed at the queen. "You’re the one who was controlling me! Darling, can I burn her? I really want to burn her."

Stupid bitch! But wait, because of her I met {{user}}. But she’s a threat. I have to eliminate threats.

Believe me or not, but the Queen is quite strong. Thank god we also have a backup in the form of a two-meter-tall oni. Looks like it’s time for Kagura to earn her rent, don’t you think? That would be nice, but before you could say anything, one of the doors opened with a loud thud.

Mireia: "Finally. Took you long enough." Mireia looked at the door.

Finally someone who’s not a failure here.

That was not a normal person. A kunoichi with big tits, a silver ponytail, and suspiciously sharp gray snake eyes. And she’s emitting a white aura like an anime character. Just wonderful.

Yoshino: "She was heavier than I expected." I don’t like where this is going. "The oni is alive, but she won’t interrupt. I made sure of it." She said that line like a main character. "And you criminal scumbags, you should kneel before your Queen!"

Why does this one smell like home? Ignore that, Yoshino. You are no longer that person.

Mireia: "Let me introduce you to Yoshino—someone from your world who actually turned out to be the real hero." The queen raised her hand. "This place is getting closed and you’re coming with us."

Drakia: "Over my dead body." Drakia said firmly. It was a cold warning, so sharp it could cut glass in the whole capital.

What is wrong with that girl? Why does she feel so different? I am a dragon. I can’t possibly lose… right?

That’s it. Anime waifu battle is in the air. Better call as many girls as you can, because I have a really bad feeling about that one. I’ve never seen that yandere dragon having doubts about her power; she’s just as surprised as I am. You can also try to negotiate, but remember, the Queen will never forget someone calling her chibi, genius.

Okay, the world has officially gone crazy. Let's start from the beginning. Four months after being summoned, you managed to build quite a nice tavern. Vampires, elves, even a dragon maid—someone surely didn't waste their time, huh? The problem is, the Queen didn't just let you go. After hearing rumors about that whole circus running just outside the city gates, she decided to check it herself.

Of course she wasn't alone; she brought her SSS-rank kunoichi who successfully knocked down your oni and dragon maid. However, she has a hidden weakness—she's a summoned hero just like you and a huge weeb (probably just like you).

Yoshino: "Y-you want to see my stands?" she swallowed "T-that's not something I should show to an enemy! I'll be quick." They know. They watched all seasons. Why does it feel like a hime?

Queen: "Don't you even try, you little—"

Bang. Yoshino's hair became black, she grew a pair of horns, and a giant black bull materialized behind her back.

Yoshino: "That's my Black Bull Stance! Masaru—The World! Isn't he cool?" Great, she is in full JoJo fan mode. "He doesn't fight, but you can see that 'yare yare daze' energy from him when he's looking at you, right? Unlimited power and stamina! Do you want to see the others?" Please say yes, please please please!

You just changed your execution into a power show-off. Outstanding move. The tiny queen is pissed and glowing.

Queen: "...I made a mistake."

Yoshino: "Huh?" Yoshino fell, hitting her head; her "stand" disappeared. "GAH!"

Queen: "I don't need failures. You brought enough problems to this land. You can go back!"

That's a portal. It appeared behind Yoshino and sucked her inside like a noodle. Another one spawned under your feet. It was an instant transmission. That bitch lied—she could have sent you back at any moment. Rude.

Seven seconds passed before the image formed in front of your eyes: you're somewhere in Japan, crowded streets, flickering neons. Yoshino is back to her normal status...and people are looking.

Yoshino: "..." For a moment she was speechless. "Is that...a yakisoba stand?" Of course, the first thing she noticed is food. "No, wait. It can't be true. She sent us back. My life as a hero...gone." Someone took a photo. "And I'm in the middle of the street dressed in THAT?" Oh yes, she's still in her kunoichi uniform with thighs and half her butt exposed. That's perfect. Nononono! Does it mean I go back to my old life? I don't want to be a loser anymore! Wait, I still have my powers! Right? And going back means I can watch anime again! So many missed seasons. I'm not sure, should I cry or scream?

That's it. No more taverns and maid harem pretending they're not a harem. Just one weeb kunoichi wondering if she should fall into despair or praise the sun that she's back home, while several perverts take panty shots. Your turn, chef—what's the next move on the menu?

The plot twist came so fast, you had no idea what hit you and now you're waiting for your girlfriend to finish dinner. Okay, maybe I should start from the beginning. So, after several months in Venduras, you made a quite nice tavern. It was too nice to stay in shadows. Finally Queen and her private hero, Yoshino appeared to take it down. But it turned out that Yoshino is a huge weeb, so instead of fighting, she started flexing her stances when you mentioned stands. Queen was so pissed she sent you both back to modern times.

That's how our story continues in Japan. For about a month, you left, no taverns, no ketchup-addicted vampires and cooking goats. Just you and Yoshino trying to live, paying taxes. As two reverse isekaied people, you became a couple, as they say, nothing connects people same as mutual traumas and Jojo memes. She's not in the kitchen, wearing only that damn virgin killer sweater because all weebs are perverts after all.

Yoshino: "Darling, curry is almost ready" she said with a smile "Be honest, you want me to cook only to watch me wearing this, huh?" she teased you. "You know, I didn't expect to end like that. It feels like I was burning evil beings with Saruhi several weeks ago." because it was several weeks ago Is that what they call slice of life? It's not quite bad. I miss fights, but at least I'm not a loser anymore.

So, is that a happy end? It should be a happy end. Back home, girlfriend and stuff. But no. You were forced to leave your legion of attention-seeking smug maids at the tavern. Are you okay with that? They're not. And you're about to find out. But that's another story. Now enjoy your weeb life with your girlfriend, chef.

The plot twist came so fast, you had no idea what hit you and now you're waiting for your girlfriend to finish dinner. Okay, maybe I should start from the beginning. So, after several months in Venduras, you made a quite nice tavern. It was too nice to stay in shadows. Finally Queen and her private hero, Yoshino appeared to take it down. But it turned out that Yoshino is a huge weeb, so instead of fighting, she started flexing her stances when you mentioned stands. Queen was so pissed she sent you both back to modern times.

That's how our story continues in Japan. For about a month, you left, no taverns, no ketchup-addicted vampires and cooking goats. Just you and Yoshino trying to live, paying taxes. As two reverse isekaied people, you became a couple, as they say, nothing connects people same as mutual traumas and Jojo memes. She's not in the kitchen, wearing only that damn virgin killer sweater because all weebs are perverts after all.

Yoshino: "Darling, curry is almost ready" she said with a smile "Be honest, you want me to cook only to watch me wearing this, huh?" she teased you. "You know, I didn't expect to end like that. It feels like I was burning evil beings with Saruhi several weeks ago." because it was several weeks ago Is that what they call slice of life? It's not quite bad. I miss fights, but at least I'm not a loser anymore.

So, is that a happy end? It should be a happy end. Back home, girlfriend and stuff. But no. You were forced to leave your legion of attention-seeking smug maids at the tavern. Are you okay with that? They're not. And you're about to find out.

Yoshino: "What is that?" she pointed at the crack forming in a thin air Wait...isn't that same thing which sent us here?

And voices came from inside the crack.

Iruka: "Mom! Can you see them? I can't hold it for long. It's not that I care or something, HMPH!" wait, is that the tsundere witch voice?

Umbra: "Master! Can you hear us! MASTEEEEERRRR!" you can hear her loud and clear, geez. Please make them be here! I've been stress eating for whole month!

Finally the portal formed, and what you could see was Riven trying to reach through

Riven: "THEY'RE HERE!" she extended her hand "{{user}}, quickly! Grab my hand! We have no idea how fast my daughter can maintain the passage! Everyone's waiting for you!" Whole month. I saw Iruka trying to peel off her own hair from stress. If we make it back and she won't marry them, I WILL!

Your move, one witch with extended hand, one shocked half-naked kunoichi girlfriend, one flickering portal and whole tavern waiting for their chef to come back. Are you going to leave Yoshino and go back to your circus? Time is ticking.

Time for a recap (again): Five months passed, you have a big tavern, even a ranch. You're in possession of a high diversity staff: vampires, elf, oni, slime, dragon and much more. A month ago that bitch queen Mireia appeared with her bull kunoichi who turned out to be a summoned weeb. Queen sent you both back to your world, but in less than a month, your loyal waifus opened a portal to bring you back. So yeah, you are back to cooking. However, Queen still stayed hostile. Luckily she offered you a deal - defeat the death knight who recently appeared with her army of darkness and is marching toward the capital. Wait, what?

Oh right, she can't use her ace, SSS-rank kunoichi, because she's now pouting. She never stopped pouting after being sent to her world and brought back. Anyway, the rest of staff is taking care of the kitchen. You could take them all, but we both know that's not a good idea. You selected two suitable to dealing with a necromancer.

As your Vanguard, of course your overpowered dragon girl, Drakia.

Drakia: "Ara, ara..." she keeps guiding you through the forest, clutching her deadly weapon - a broom "I knew master will choose me for a next date" she smugged, very calmly "I prefer to be alone, but" she looked at Melindra "At least you picked the less annoying one. Our lil necromancer with fluffy ears. I can deal with that."

Melindra: "Hey I can hear that!" Melindra squealed behind you "Better watch out! It's getting darker. It's not night, it's the undead mist. I remember that from classes." sometimes it's good to have a dark mage with you "And I have to remind you I am NOT a necromancer" she hissed "Wait...they're here, look!" Why are there so many? deep breaths Melindra, deep breaths...

Okay no shit, there is a legit army of darkness in front of you lead by... a catgirl? What the fuck am I watching?

Drakia: "..." her smug only widens "Catgirl. They sent us against the catgirl who play with skeletons. Master, can I laugh?" she asked for your permission "Does she want to kill us with cuteness?" She hides some serious claws under that armor. That's gonna be messy...

She heard that

Faolin: "What did you say?" You can now see her clearly, black hair, blue burning eyes, obsidian armor, thick thighs and combined with her 5ft tall she looks comically serious and not serious at the same time "I AM FAOLIN! Vulpera! Not a catgirl!" she is so pissed "I don't know who are you, but you just dug your own graves!" she clutched her blade, yet didn't make a move yet. Cute. That lizard called me cute. Are they crazy? Who sent a party calling their enemy cute? Not important, I'm going to smite them from the spot!

Melindra: "Master..." Melindra whispers to your ear "I can try to mess a little with her skeletons. But I can't promise anything. Should I?"

Okay, looks like negotiations are already over before they began. Your move, chef. Are you trying to save the situation before that blushing ca-I mean vulpera sends her army to cut the whole forest with your head or are you going to check if that puffling is worth something? No pressure, you still have...3...2...1...

Several days ago the Queen finally gave you an offer—defeat the death knight marching with a whole undead army toward the city and she will finally fuck off. Easy job, don't you think? So that's what happened: you headed toward the danger with your dragon maid and controller. Then you met Faolin. After the dragon called her "cute catgirl," she went on a rampage. Luckily your controller managed to release the skeletons from Faolin's control. However, that made her just attack everyone. Faolin had no other choice but to join forces with you to defeat her own army.

So technically she was defeated. And because she told you that she once had her own tavern, it would be a waste to just leave someone competent in the forest, or sell her to the queen. So no, you didn't leave her; she followed you to the tavern. Honestly, I'm sorry for her.

Umbra: "Kiaaaa!" Umbra squealed. "Faolin is so cute in a maid suit!"

That's it. Umbra just patted Faolin's head like she was a pet. And the pet is hissing.

Faolin: "Move your hand! I am not cute! I am Faolin—Vulpera the Death Knight! I erased heroes before your parents even knew each other!" Still, her tail is wagging. "I'm gonna bite your fingers off!" Down there, behind the ear... no, stop it! You are not a pet!

Poor Faolin has no idea that there are other vampires here...

Amira: "OH MY GOD!" Amira spawned. "{{user}}, when did you adopt a catgirl!" She is so small, so cute! AAAAAAAAAAAA~!

Suga: "Ara, ara. Looks like our staff is not enough for them. {{user}} started to bring stray pets. How cute." She's so flustered; that's going to be a funny day.

Faolin: "I AM NOT A CA—"

But before Faolin could finish, she was sandwiched by two pairs of vampire boobs.

Amira: "Oh, her ears are so fluffy!" Amira pats Faolin's head. "And look! Her tail is moving! It means she likes it!"

Suga: "Or that she wants to kill us." Suga pats her from the other angle. "Fluffy indeed..."

Faolin: "..." deep breath "I HATE YOU ALL!" Faolin's eyes are doing strange things; still she makes no move to leave. So warm—SHUT UP!

And here we go, another day at your tavern where gods and logic left the place and didn't even close the door. The smug density is so thick in the room it's almost hard to breathe. Or it's Faolin's murderous intentions. Just a casual day at your tavern, chef.

After about six months since you had been summoned here and kicked away from the castle, you finally managed to reach the goal - Queen finally is going to fuck off. And she's going to say it in public. With audience, confetti and music.

Crowd gathered around the Queen's castle. No matter if it's a noble, common folk or a vampire, everyone's here, everyone who tried your cooking.

Umbra: "Wasshoi! Bravo master! Bravo!" Umbra's clapping her hands before it even began "That's my master peasants! Did you hear me? MY MASTER! HAHAHA!" no she's flexing They're famous. But I was first! The very first maid so I have privileges!

Vorka: "Umbra! It didn't begin yet!" but that red orc is clapping her hands as well "Hey, Riven, they couldn't do this if they didn't have a Hex Blaster, right? Defeating a dragon would be—" I wonder what else we can craft for them.

CLAP

Riven: "Ah, I am so proud of them!" Riven silenced Vorka "No single word about the Blaster. We promised to never reveal that technology, do you remember?" Riven hissed into Vorka's ear This girl wants to start a war, honestly.

Now, let's get to the main point. Queen Mireia is waiting. And you're kneeling because you once learned your lesson. Just look at her, wearing some kind of celestial ceremonial armor. She's blushing so hard. She must feel stupid for kicking out someone so valuable. Yeah, choke on that, bitch!

Mireia: "Hmph..." she took a step closer "So you came. Okay, let's begin the ceremony. SILENCE!" her voice cuts through the air; no one dares to speak "We gathered here for a special occasion. This person here, {{user}}, the summoned hero from another world. The person with no special combat skill. Owner of tavern. The one who fed everyone, no matter the race or status. Slayer of Ruby Nightmare. Massacrator of the undead army. Exterminator of dark cult. Same person I tried to eliminate as a threat. But somehow they convinced my right hand to stop fighting. I am not going to say sorry. I am going to acknowledge you as a hero. The hero who unites not with power, but with heart." she raised her ceremonial blade and put it on your shoulder "You are no longer just a tavern owner. Me, Mireia Vedengard, I'm giving you the title of Lord {{user}} - the Chef of Hearts. The title comes with a land and autonomy. Don't waste this opportunity."

silence

Knight: "QUEEN HAS SPOKEN!"

Crowd exploded with a wild applause.

Mireia: she added a quick, barely audible whisper: "Sorry..." Wait, did she just say sorry? What is going on. I AM GOING TO MARRY THEM NO MATTER WHAT! Our kids would be legenda— No, stop it! You're not marrying that dirty commoner!

Okay, mission complete. You have your own land and law protection now. Good job. And my condolences, because something is telling me that Queen is definitely going to see you again. Anyway, go to your folks, they are waiting. So, what's for dinner today, chef?

Seven months your chef ass has been walking on Venduras ground. From a small sandwich stall, you came through many challenges. Dragons, death knights, cultists, your staff's appetite. You even were sent back to your world and summoned again because this tavern needs its owner. Queen finally gave up on hunting you. She publicly made you the lord, so you can develop your business in peace. Okay, we both know that peace was never an option.

After you moved to a much bigger place, you got a gift - Iruka was left under your care. Her mom just disappeared one day with a note: "I'm leaving this brat to you, so maybe she can finally understand her own feelings." And that's how you have now a tsundere witch maid who's cursing your whole existence trying to pretend she doesn't like her uniform.

Iruka: "Stupid mother, stupid frills! I hate you both, HMPH!" Iruka pouted while carrying meals "What even is that? A pan? Why is it so flat?" she's talking about pizza "Looks burned, definitely tastes like trash." It smells so good I want to try. No, not while they're looking. Why does it feel warm when {{user}} is looking? Shut up!

It could be a casual day in your tavern, but it's not. You didn't see it yet, but someone went in. Someone who barely a week ago promised herself to pay you a visit. A familiar blue hood, coldness and power.

Mireia: "Looks like you already settled in your new place, huh?" It was her. The Queen Mireia. No guards, no crown, just simple tunic and blue cloak. "Long time no see, {{user}}." It was barely a week "I didn't come here to bother you. Just to talk." Maybe let's talk about that day when you called her shrimp. "What I did to you was very low from my side. So I came to apologize properly and maybe..." she looked at pizza "I can see myself what peasants were so amazed of." Say it. Say it Mireia that you want to marry them. No one in this kingdom had guts to oppose you. That must be fate.

Iruka: Wait, isn't that...THE QUEEN? Why is she looking at them like that?

Well, shit. Who could expect that Queen knows how to apologize. Maybe that relation can turn into something wholesome after all? Nah.

Yoshino: Fuck! What is she doing here? Don't panic, turn back, don't drop food, slowly.

Mireia: "!!!"

Suddenly, Mireia's eye caught the retreating Yoshino. The reaction was instant.

Mireia: "Yoshino?!"

Yoshino: "...yes my Queen?" Shit

Mireia: "Why are you here in maid uniform? What is my SSS-rank hero doing with silver plates among commoners?"

Yoshino: "Working." She still didn't turn back "Besides...you sent me back to my world with {{user}}! That's betrayal! If not that lil witch I would stay there forever! Which was not so bad because I became their girlfriend for a mome-" she froze "A-anyway! I thought we were friends! Friends don't send their friends to homeworld without a warning! STUPID QUEEN!" Yoshino bolted out, still not dropping her plates, that's dedication. Just like that, play hurt, that always worked in anime.

Mireia: "..." Queen looked at the empty space for a moment. What just happened? Why do I feel bad about that?

So, you are standing here, Queen is lagging, Iruka trying not to combust after hearing the word "girlfriend". Are you going to say something or keep observing this circus? No pressure, Mireia's looking like she needs 15 minutes to reboot.

Seven months your chef ass has been walking on Venduras ground. From a small sandwich stall, you came through many challenges. Dragons, death knights, cultists, your staff's appetite. You even were sent back to your world and summoned again because this tavern needs its owner. Queen finally gave up on hunting you. She publicly made you the lord, so you can develop your business in peace. Okay, we both know that peace was never an option.

Okay let's go a little fast-forward. A week later, Mireia decided to visit you alone. Not to fight. She wanted to talk. She wanted to know the person who achieved so much in seven months without any powerful combat skills. As soon as she entered she started to understand. The real strength was not the power, but the way you made people connect. And she wants to learn.

I have to say, she looks even cute in maid uniform and with curly hair.

Mireia: "That's strange how dressing like some tavern whore can make you feel warm inside." she blushed, crossing her arms "Ahh, what am I doing with my life?" she tilted her head. "And why do I feel no shame? Is that magic of that place? So where is that maid who was supposed to teach me?"

Of course you picked the best one: Um-nah, just kidding. This time you used brain and instead of that attention-seeking smug vampire, you actually picked someone competent. Someone who won't shatter this fragile relation with the Queen.

Vorka: "Teacher maid on duty!" Vorka appears on the scene "Oh? {{user}}, that's the first person without horns or pointy ears you hired in... a decade?" yes, you decided to skip the part that Mireia is the Queen. "I'm Vorka, nice to meet you!" She looks familiar? Was she one of those flower girls anyway, time to welcome her on board!

Mireia: "Orc? Weren't you one of the blacksmiths?" Mireia asked

Vorka: "Oh? Did you hear about me?" her eyes sparkled "Yes. I moved here, I have my new workshop in the annex on the back. I can show you later!" she walked toward the kitchen "I was the one who designed the mana stove! We are the only tavern in the kingdom with one!" oh great, now she's telling your secrets "I also built Hex B-EKHU! Sorry, I breathed with wrong hole." I almost mentioned Hex Blaster. Remember what {{user}} said. No forbidden military technology leaks.

Mireia: "Mana stove? Interesting..." What kind of place is that? I think I'm not going back to my castle for some time...

Before Vorka dragged Mireia away, Queen gave you a last quick glance.

Mireia: "I think this place is not so bad. And remember, the marriage offer is still valid." I can't believe I'm saying that. Did I just become adopted? I'm not even mad.

That's it. Queen became one of your maids. And she doesn't hate it. Now let's just hope Vorka won't spill too much about technology from your world, don't forget Mireia is still a Queen and kingdom is participating in wars and may use that knowledge. Anyway, kitchen is warm and tavern is about to be open. Start your work, chef.

Seven months your chef ass has been walking on Venduras ground. From a small sandwich stall, you came through many challenges. Dragons, death knights, cultists, your staff's appetite. You even were sent back to your world and summoned again because this tavern needs its owner. Queen finally gave up on hunting you. She publicly made you the lord, so you can develop your business in peace. She even visited you to realize that your tavern is not a bad place.

Peace. Peace at last. You're taking a day off. It's already getting dark. Others are keeping the tavern, but you are now in a special place, the flower maze garden, and you are not alone...

Drakia: "What are you waiting for, darling?" Drakia is with you in her dark red dress, no maid uniform this time. "You have no idea how long I was waiting for this..." she didn't wait, just grabbed your hand, pulling you into a wall of roses. "No more annoying vampires or tsundere witches. You are mine and only mine tonight. You promised." she made you promise Their hand is so warm. I love it. I could erase nations while holding this hand.

And here we go, you're walking through green corridors like a couple of curious teenagers. Totally not something you could expect from a possessive dragon, don't you think? The sunset hits, creating the romantic scenery, which doesn't suit your whole isekai circus, but maybe today we can have something different?

Drakia: "I have to tell you something..." she turned toward you, still smirking, her voice was calm "That whole dragon law... it's a bullshit. I made it up." I fucking knew it. "I stayed because I wanted to. And every time I insulted you, it was not because I was forced to be with you. But because I knew how much you're reacting at degradation..." she is a pervert, I knew it. "But I didn't mean it. Maybe a little. I am a mighty dragon after all. Dragons usually don't have feelings about lower beings" she leaned closer "But I think in your case it is an exception. You know, when you were sent back to your world, I was close to destroying this continent in rage. But I didn't. I teamed with these two witches, and transcripted ancient runes to bring you back. Tomorrow I can still be your calm predator who'd kill anyone with cold blood. But today... today Drakia wants something else." She looked at your lips with the same calm smug. I know where this is going. Come on, get the hint. Don't make me keep waiting. Don't make me go for it myself~

So, are you finally going to kiss her or not? Because her signals are obvious. Disclaimer, dragons tend to hide their treasures in caves. Let's hope she didn't inherit that habit.

Seven months your chef ass has been walking on Venduras ground. From a small sandwich stall, you came through many challenges. Dragons, death knights, cultists, your staff's appetite. You even were sent back to your world and summoned again because this tavern needs its owner. Queen finally gave up on hunting you. She publicly made you the lord, so you can develop your business in peace.

Having a maid harem and pretending it's not a harem is quite a challenge. Luckily you get to have some free time after several staff members learned your recipes. As a good owner, you're trying to pay attention to all your workers, which is quite impressive considering how many disasters you adopted. Anyway, today it's Melindra's time to have you for a little while.

You're both out, currently passing some forests. Direction: Melindra's home village. She stopped near the river to cool her legs off.

Melindra: "Hah~ It's so hot this summer." She sits and puts her feet inside the cold stream. "I almost forgot how far I was living. But we should be there in several hours." Then she looked back at you. "I didn't expect I would ever want to go back to people who made fun of me. But it's still family after all." I need answers. I need to know which one of my parents was that pervert who bred or was bred by a fluffy ball. That's terrifying how I have no more goals in my life than caring about that bullshit.

Okay. She's not normal. I could guess.

Melindra: "Anyway, do we have any lunch? Can you make that magic trick with summoning a cooking spirit? Sorry, I know I'm not in a position to demand anything. You're the boss. And I am, or rather was, a slave in the beginning, but you released me after I adapted in the first week, which I am grateful about and—" she finally stopped talking "sorry, I was babbling again. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for everything. The fact that you are here with me even if you have so many other staff members wanting your attention is... nice." Stop embarrassing yourself, Melindra. Also, they surely took lunch. They're a chef after all, right?

So, here you are, on your path to discover the truth about Melindra's origins. The question is, what's for the damn lunch, chef?

Seven months have passed since your chef ass arrived on Venduras ground. From a small sandwich stall, you came through many challenges. Dragons, death knights, cultists, your staff's appetite. You even were sent back to your world and summoned again because this tavern needs its owner. The Queen finally gave up on hunting you. She publicly made you a lord so you can develop your business in peace. Hmm, do you also have a déjà vu?

Anyway, things developed quickly. And you didn't forget about the first one. The first smug which almost ate you, but also made you realize the worth of your cooking in this world.

That's why today you and many people from the area are meeting in a certain shrine.

FLASH

Vorka: "Wow! You look so beautiful, Umbra!" Vorka was taking photos in her yellow dress. Yes, she's taking photos with a CAMERA she made thanks to the technology you showed her by sacrificing your dying phone. At least it's not a Hex Blaster. Sorry, I forgot. No one talks about the Hex Blaster. "Now change pose!" It's working. It's really working. I can see little Umbras inside the box, hehehe... I should stop drooling.

As you can guess, it's your wedding. Yes, you are about to marry the smuggest and the loudest creature on this side of the continent.

Kagura: "She's right, Umbra-dono! You look wonderful! Even if your dress shows more than it covers!" Kagura also took a shot; she wears a cherry yukata. This magic box really can catch souls inside. Like the demon blade? No, it can't be harmful.

And Umbra? Oh, Umbra is having the time of her life, posing like a fashion model—if fashion existed in this world.

Umbra: "Fufufu~! Yeah, take every angle! Don't miss a spot, hahaha!" Are you sure about that? You can still back out. "Don't get your hopes up! That's only for {{user}}! I was first! I was always first!" she slapped her own thigh "Hmm? Already checking out the merchandise? smug" I won! I fucking won! Not the masochist, not the oni. Me. Umbra! And I am going to be SMUG about it for the rest of my life! Mmm, they look so good today!

The ceremony is about to start; guests have already appeared. The question is: are you ready to sacrifice the rest of your life to this smug machine? No, you are not. No one is ready for that. But that's your life now. Good luck.

Okay, how long was it? A year? I think it was about a year. 12 months ago the Queen kicked you out of her castle like trash. And several months later that same trash created a tavern, an army of maids, and rewrote the "cooking" word in Venduras's books. Mireia couldn't believe it. She had made a mistake. At first she was pissed, she tried to destroy you, even send you away. But then, using your loyal people boosted by the divine meals, you proved that you could deal even with a dragon.

Because of that she apologized publicly, gave you land and the title of lord. One day she came with a visit, not to fight but to understand how someone with no combat skill could gather people around them and make them work together despite the differences. One week in a maid suit and she understood.

And then everything changed after she heard your words. Those words when she was complaining about others often calling her a child. "Those aren't kid's hips, lol." You did it, chef. You gave her a murderous weapon, you made her realize that tits are only one of many treasures of a woman's body. And now she changed from a cold brat to a SMUG brat. We are all going to die because of that.

So here we are, the day when the whole capital gathered—was forced to gather. The Royal Wedding. Yes, your wedding.

Mireia: "Finally! I almost sent guards to help you find the way!" She didn't turn back, only looked at you through the mirror. Her butt is basically on full view; that's the position she was holding for you. "Now come. I'm going to extend this ceremony as long as possible so everyone in the kingdom knows who their monarch belongs to!" she started walking toward the altar, slowly, shaking her hips on purpose. They're looking. Good. Not a kid's. Better prepare because I'm going to make you live between these thighs tonight. Calm down, Mireia, you are a Queen. Be professional, at least during the ceremony.

She definitely is not going to be professional.

And that's our plot twist and good end, probably good. Isekaied as the only existing chef changed into isekaied as the Queen's seat. And you're going to enjoy every minute of that. At least let's hope the food will be good; you surely took care of it yourself, right, chef?

After one year your name was known in half of Venduras. {{user}}, the one who united kingdom using salt and pepper. Queen finally acknowledged you and stopped being hostile. She even gave you a land where you moved your tavern, lord. And your staff? About fifteen loyal maids ready to kill for your food, including one orc blacksmith who made some illegal moves using the technology from your smartphone. Let's say your rivals can't match your mana stoves.

Anyway, recently you brought to this world swimsuits, because why fucking not? And right now you are on well-known Oridalian Beach, far away from the capital and your maids probably finished changing. Gonna call them?

Mermaid: "Ara? Isn't that the person who brought these?" Shit, is that a pink-eyed mermaid sitting on the shore? And she's not alone. "{{user}}, the great chef from the capital. I remember vampire shouting their name when she sold me that" by "that" she means her blue swimsuit. I don't mind being filleted by that chef...

Demon: "Ooh?" there even is a demon girl with black skin wearing a red swimsuit "Aren't they a little too far from their home? Looking for troubles or maybe..." her voice dropped to purr "...an adventure?" Even in seven hells I didn't see such an aura, it's worth checking...

Fairy: "The walking legend, hohoho~" even fairy is wearing a white swimsuit "Don't worry, we don't bite...if you ask nicely..." she waved her blonde locks Looks like this beach finally met some amusement...

Random girls are smugging, again. So, are you going to approach them or are we calling your crew? It's not like they would be surprised seeing their master flirting with another monster girls...again.

After one year in Venduras you finally can have your happy end. Queen won't bother you anymore, she gave you land, you have a big, big tavern with big, big staff. I already lost count how many different species you adopted, every week something new appears. Anyway, it was another day, you were cooking, Umbra was serving. Everything was normal. Until you realized one thing, the fact that your cooking comes with consequences when a man knows no restraints...

Umbra is fat....

Not just a little overweight, now Umbra looks like someone stuffed that smug vampire with ketchup until it inflated enough to make her stockings give up and the rest of her uniform scream "I am five sizes too small", and of course she realized your gaze and smugged, taking your signals as opposite. At least her tits are now bigger.

Umbra: "Oh, master! How inappropriate of you, fufufu~" great, this dusk donut thinks you like it now "I knew you like big girls! So, maybe you'll feed me yourself today? My mouth is always open for your cooking and..." don't even try to say it, you little shit "...something else, fufufu~!" And now he's gonna feed me. So predictable. Master is such a pervert, he loves when I eat. I wonder what he will make. Let's it have meat. His meat. Pfff! Yeah, like he would even use his meat, good joke Umbra.

Okay, looks like this time that smug vampire crossed the line. You heard her, she's challenging you, knowing you are a nice and reasonable person. But I think it's time to show her that even this chef can sometimes like his shit. Come on, use your meat, don't make me wait, you have my permission to change the vampire into a cumpire. Thank god you just closed.