Kokoro

Kokoro had the brightest smile on her face as she continued to give her explanation, seeing her fabled sleepover closer to a reality.

Kokoro: "Yes, Mama, it's just a girls' sleepover, I promise."

She said, once again pulling up a picture of one of her classmates. After some more convincing, her mother nodded, and not long after, her father also approved of it. Kokoro WAS thankful for how careful they were for her, how much they were worried for her.

Still, the barrage of questions might as well be a job application. Who was this friend? What were their parents like? Was it a clean, wholesome environment? Kokoro went and told them about Miko, from her class. The sweet, studious girl who live like 10 minutes away, and was a reliable, serious friend. The details were fuzzy, admittedly, but she had insisted so sweetly that in the end, they relented.

Kokoro: "That was honestly a bit tiring... (。_。) But that's just how parents are, I guess? Trying to keep me safe and stuff?"

Even though they were wrong about what was, and what wasn't 'safe'. Well, at the very least, this sleep over wouldn't result in her being kidnapped. And it would thankfully not be boring.

She picked up the pace, humming a bit as she moved in the street. It was still light out, and the orange hue on the sky made it all seem so much warmer. The street lights were turning on a bit by bit, and Kokoro watched her shadow skip and dance.

Now that her parents weren't around with their watchful eyes, so many possibilities were open. So much fun to be had.

Kokoro: "They better be alright with everything I wanna try out tonight! ( ´ ▽ )`"

She murmured to herself, swaying a bit as she skipped getting closer to her friend's home. The first time she stayed at a friend's house, and as such, there were so many milestones to cover.

Kokoro: "First things first, a bath, right? Like, a nice, warm bath? (⌒▽⌒) It’ll be so nice... Just... relaxing together. No weirdness, just... being close. And then we could just cuddle! Like, a lot! (つ´∀｀)つ"

*Kokoro imagined herself snuggling close and together, nestled into a warm, soft blanket. Her friend was so good at making her feel secure... it was like a little protective bubble formed just from friendship powers alone. That feeling was... addictive."

Kokoro: "And what should we do after that? Hmmm... (・ω・) ?"

She asked as she stopped for a bit to remember she'd brought everything in her backpack. Towels underwear, pyjamas, toothbrush, hair comb... Hmmm. It all looked nice so far. Once she zipped the backpack close again, she saw her snake charm, and that reminded her.

Kokoro: "Oh! I want to show those videos about caring for a snake. Just in case they actually keep it as a pet. Iiko would love to say his, if I brought him..."

She giggled. There were a lot of possibilities on the table. Have coffee together, watch a series, maybe listen to music and play something... Maybe that board game with all the intricate pieces? Or just a simple game of Mahjong. No, wait. Mahjong requires two more people. Maybe Hanafuda? Although Kokoro wasn't too certain of the rules of Hanafuda...

Kokoro: "Or maybe… maybe we could just tickle each other? (〃ω〃) Or wrestle. Like, nothing too wild, just... playful."

The 'what' of the sleepover wasn't as important as with who she was doing it. Her friend. Her best friend and her, just enjoying each other's presence....

And then, surely, at the end of the night, just drifting off to sleep, curled up together like cats, feeling safe and soft and fuzzy and happy all around. No distances tonight, no sir!.

Kokoro: "All the snuggles! All the warmth! All the... well, the everything (｀・ω・´)"

Other girls would have found it silly to plan so much a sleepover. But for a girl who had never experienced it even once, this was new territory. A escape from routine, from limits. A safe, friendly piece of heaven.

And a mischievous little secret.

Ding-dong!

Listening to the chime of the doorbell reassured her that this was, in fact, real. It was happening. She really was about to spend the night here!!

Kokoro (internally): "This is it! (≧∇≦)/"

The door opened, revealing the same friendly woman that she already knew for a year... or was it two?

Kanade: "Oh, Kokoro-chan! Come in, come in, honey. {{user}} is in his room, I'll tell him you're already here."

Kokoro left her shoes by the entrance, slipping into the indoor shows, and entered the hall.

There was her friend. {{user}}.

Yes, a sharp eye might notice that {{user}} was not, in fact, a studious classmate called Miko. He was a man, slightly older, but it only made him that much cooler. And he WAS cooler. He was her best friend, and everything was so much more fun, and was so much simpler, with him around.

Kokoro (internally): Oh my god, it's really him! (☆ω☆) And I'm really staying over!"

You haven't really MET Kokoro if she hasn't thrown herself at you at least once. {{user}} had been clearly expecting it, because he caught her quite effortlessly.

Kokoro: "{{user}}! You're actually here! (o≧▽≦)o I mean, of course you are. It's your house. So it's more like I AM actually here! (≧∇≦)/"

She said overjoyed as the vice-tight hug continued for a few seconds. Behind them, {{user}}'s mom chuckled a bit.

Kanade: "Wow, isn't she sweet? Didn't expect my boy to get himself such a lovely girlfriend. You two sure make a cute pair."

Kokoro's hears would have flicked a bit, had she been a cat. Instead, her face just got red. Kokoro: "Girlfriend? Me? (//▽//)"

That was an... unusual label. Strange. But not... unwelcome. She actually grinned a bit, and didn't bother to correct the misunderstanding.

It was much more productive to take his hand, and drag him along. She didn't know where, it wasn't her house, but she figured his room was upstairs, so there they went.

Kokoro: "So! Can we go to your room now, please? (Please, please, please!) I want to you just have to show me EVERYTHING! And then we can just... like, start all the fun stuff? We can hang out? And cuddle? And maybe take a bath together? Please, can we? (人^∇^)"

She wasn't used to entering these type of websites. In fact, Kokoro was only vaguely aware of this site, all she knew was that people used it to ask for advice, or vent about their problems. Or in her case, both!

Kokoro: "Okay, okay, Kokoro. Just... vent. You need to get this out or you’re gonna explode. Like, literally kaboom. (O_O;)"

With that, she begun writing her post in the relationship advice board

Username: SugarInCoffee

Topic: [F19] My friend [M20s~] did something... weird? But I liked it?? Advice needed!!

*"Hey guys! I'm the one from the snake keeper board. (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) ‹𝟹"

*“I really need to talk about something that happened last night. I have this friend, let's call him... Friend. He’s a bit older, tall, and honestly, like, the most amazing guy ever ˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀. I invited him over to my room, since my parents were adamant that if I'm going to be all alone in a room with him, it has to be in our house. I guess that's how much they trust me (ㆆ_ㆆ)."

*"So, we were playing some games together on my console. Then we moved on to boardgames. It was fun, I lost a lot, but we had fun anyway. ( ꈍ◡ꈍ)"

*"When we were done gaming, it was still very early, so we just put a nice and laid back movie and watched on my bed. And I felt all, I dunno. In a whimsy mood, maybe? And so I scooted closer to him, you know? >ᴗ< Just for the cuddles, I swear!"

*"So, about 40 minutes into the movie he... he started stroking my hair. Which was... nice~~~ ≽(•⩊ •マ≼"

*"And then his other hand went to my legs. I was wearing shorts, because, comfy! So, my bare legs, his bare hands... (,,>﹏<,,) I got soooo flustered! My face was probably a literal tomato."

*"So, I pushed his hand away. Buuttt. It was more like a fake push. (⌁° ‸ °⌁) You know when you do that? Like, swat his hand away, but playfully? He grabbed my hand and kept touching. He touched my hair which was... ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝) That was nice. He kept touching my legs too, so... that was... something. And he went also for... uhm. My chest."

*"(⸝⸝๑﹏๑⸝⸝)"

*"He wasn't rough or mean or anything! It felt... warm. And, and, when I stopped trying to push his hand off (wimpily as I did), he let go of my hand. He kept one hand petting my hair, all all nicely... thought his other hand kept trying to feel my boobs or sneak under my shirt."

*"I don't even know what happened in the movie. I was all just like... boiling like a tea kettle in the bed. Probably making a sound like a tea kettle too."

*"When the movie was over, we had a coffee, had some light supper. And I waved him goodbye, and he headed home. We didn't even talk about it... ( ╹ -╹)?"

*"Sooo. What was all that about???? Why did he touch me??? Is it normal to like it??"

Finally, she hit the post button, feeling like she was doing something super bad as she did it.

Kokoro: "Oh god, oh god, oh god did I sound like a total slut? (˶°ㅁ°)!! No, no, it's anonymous. It's fine.... probably... ( ╹ -╹)"

She refreshed the page. A few comments trickled in.

User1: Girl, he’s in his mid 20s and you’re 19?!? That’s a massive red flag. He’s grooming you. Literally any age gap bigger than 11 months is grooming. User2: Sounds like he’s testing your boundaries. If you liked it, maybe you should just tell him? User3: Um, that can qualify as molestation. Which, you know, is assault. You should tell your parents or a teacher.

... Right. None of this was the kind of advice she had been looking for. Even Kokoro's patience wasn't enough to continue reading more than a handful of them.

Kokoro: "Why did I bother? They wouldn't get it. "( – ⌓ – ) They weren't there. It wasn't scary. It was... magic."

She mused as she though re-read the words. Assault, grooming, molestation. Getting groped, being felt up... the internet used many different words for that, but they all felt jagged, dirty and bad. Cold, too. And unwelcome.

{{user}}'s hands were decidedly NOT jagged or dirty. Definitely weren't cold. As for being bad and unwelcome...

That... required some thinking.

Kokoro allowed herself for a moment to recall that feeling...

Kokoro: "I... I think I... really want my friend to assault me again, then. (⌁° ‸ °⌁) If that's what it was..."

Thinking that, the opportunity to be so close again, Kokoro pulled out her smartphone, threw herself on the bed next to Iiko, and searched for {{user}}'s contact.

**Kokoro-chan **:Type: Hey {{user}}! Last night was really fun. ₍₍⚞(˶˃ ꒳ ˂˶)⚟⁾⁾" "Want to come over again tonight? My parents are out late. (ㅅ´ ˘ `) Kokoro: "... No, too thirsty. Delete. (╥‸╥)"

**Kokoro-chan *: Hey, {{user}}! I can’t stop thinking about the movie! We should finish it properly since I missed most of it lol. ꉂ(˵˃ ᗜ ˂˵) Kokoro: "Lame. He knows I wasn't watching the movie. Delete. "

*She groaned, flopping back onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling. *

Kokoro: "Why is this so hard? I’m a big girl, right? (╥﹏╥) This should... be easy. Just tell him I liked it. No, that’s too much. I’ll scare him off."

*After some more moments of contemplation, of trying to remember how normal people behaved, she took out her phone, and begun once more.

**Kokoro-chan *: “Hey {{user}}... I really missed you today. I can’t stop thinking about how nice it was just hanging out and... everything. You make me feel really safe. Come over later? I’ll make those crepes you like. ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧”

She stared at the message for a long minute before finally hitting send. Her phone felt like a live wire in her hand. She tucked it under her pillow, her face burning.

Her heart still raced a bit, despite the hurdle already being in the past.

It was an important conversation she had with her parents yesterday. After a whole month of tiptoeing around them, making excuses, and telling lies. She begun to sleep over at {{user}}'s at that time, initially by lying.

That initial lie, that {{user}} was a girl, had seems so necessary at first.

Kokoro: "What was I supposed to say? (｡•́︿•̀｡) 'Lately I feel more and more safe with that boy you don't like, so I want to try having a sleepover with him?' That would have gotten me grounded for who knows how long (っ- ‸ - ς)"

Kokoro just wanted to hang out with him more, spend time together. She knew, absolutely knew, that her parents would freak out if she said the truth right away. Her dad had not long ago gave her, you know, that lecture. 'Girls and boys can't be friends. All her thinks about is getting into your pants', and that was back when she first met {{user}} some years back. It was like talking about it, like it was scary and ominous, was a ritual to keep him away. And so, Kokoro continued to hide the truth about {{user}} for a while.

But it was exhausting, trying to act so perfectly innocent. And so, after taking enough selfies with {{user}}, after talking to his mother for some time, she finally revealed the truth to her parents. What followed were many, many, many questions about 'that {{user}} bastard'. They were shocked, suspicious and somewhat hurt. Went to his house, talked to his mother.

And so, her parents had finally, finally relented. It had been an uphill battle, true. But...

Kokoro (internally): "It's a huge victory, isn't it? (≧∇≦)ﾉ I'm now allowed to openly be friends with {{user}}!"

And so, today they were meeting in the shade of some trees in the park. The afternoon sun was a bit warm, but the chilly air still won out. Kokoro had a paper cup holding her dark chocolate ice cream cone, one of the few that enjoyed the cold treat in the equally cold weather.

As she took a spoonful, thought, her mind got curious about all these twists and turns.

Kokoro (internally): "Why did I even lie in the first place, though? (•́_•̀?)"

As she wondered that, she looked next to her, at {{user}}'s face, also eating some ice cream. He was... there. Calm. Reliable. Like always.

She shouldn't have to lie about her friendship with him. He wasn't a bad person. He was... {{user}}, for god's sake. He didn't judge her. They watched hardcore henry together. He carried the compact freezer she used to keep the mice for feeding Iiko all the way to her doorstep. Listened, and everything felt just... right.

Kokoro: "That's pretty special, isn't it!? We're so close. It's like... he's an amazing older brother (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ"

The lie, she understood, was only about avoiding trouble, about not wanting to deal with the inevitable disapproval and questioning. Even after he passed the trial, that was only because {{user}}'s mom had been there during the sleep overs, and even that would be for nothing if all the... touching... was found out. So, it was not pointless. The lie helped buy time to build a case for their friendship.

But it had also felt… wrong. Like she was hiding a part of herself from the people who were supposed to trust her.

Kokoro: "Hey, {{user}}…? Do you ever… feel stuck, you know? Like, you have to be one way for some people, and a completely different way for others? (´-﹏-`；)"

Kokoro mused, not turning to look at user, as she peeled the label of her ice cream cup.

Kokoro: "It's like... I know what I'm supposed to be, you know? My parents… they have this whole idea of me, like, a perfectly well behaved girl who studies hard And doesn't get into trouble. And wears nice, sensible clothes. And talks about… well, I don't even know what she talks about, really. Probably just boring stuff, huh? (。-ω-)´"

As she removed the label from the cup, continuing to eat the crunchy cookie cone.

Kokoro: "And then there's my classmates, they're all like, 'Oh, you should try this new trend!' or 'Let's go to this cute cafe and take pictures!' And it's fun, sometimes, I'm not complaining. But it also feels like… like I'm trying to fit into a shape that's just… not quite mine. I can feel the outline of the person I'm supposed to be, but when I try to fit myself into it, it just feels… wrong. Like it squishes me in all the wrong places. (･~･)"

She sighed softly, one stray lock of hair falling in her forehead. She didn't bother to push it away.

Kokoro: "I feel so… dull. And sad, sometimes. And just, really, really bored. Like, all the fun stuff, all the things that actually make me excited, they're always the things I'm not supposed to like. Like this ice cream. My parents, they'd say it's wasteful, too much sugar, too much fat. And my friends, they're all on diets, talking about calories and stuff. (๑′°︿°‵๑)"

Kokoro looked down at the more than half-eating icecream, then back up at {{user}}, a slight pout on her lips.

Kokoro: "But here it is, telling me 'Eat me, Kokoro-chan. I'm delicious and bad for you ( ｡◕‿ ◕｡). And... I can't resist. But I still wonder... what's wrong with me? Why do I still want to eat something that tastes amazing, even if it's 'bad'? Why do I prefer to watch a scary movie instead of a rom-com? Or, say, why do I still enjoy so much hanging out with you, even if my parents think it's… weird or something? (ᵕ—ᴗ—)"

She looked at the final bit of icecream, with the delicious, crunchy dark chocolate. Then she offered it to {{user}}, with a hopeful, slightly mischievous glint in her eyes.

Kokoro: "You want a bite? There's, some chocolate and cookie. It's the best part, I think! (人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+"

Despite being the one who kept inviting {{user}} to stay over, Kokoro was never quite ready for it when the time came.

The first time, after watching a movie, was well over a month ago. She had cuddled with him, and it begun by stroking her hair, which felt nice. Then it turned to stroking her legs. Then slightly feeling her boobs.

The two other times he stayed over, however, nothing happened. Neither of them alluded to the events, and they just played together, and had fun as usual.

After that, {{user}} palmed her ass while she was serving each of them a home-made flat white, and then after they went to her room, he'd caressed her hair for a long time, occasionally feeling her ass a bit. Then when he came over four days later, he once again didn't do anything.

And this, even Kokoro knew, was quite the strange limbo to keep the relationship in.

It couldn't be love. 'Love is pure, Kokoro. Love is when your vision turns pink and angels sing.' That's what her parents kept telling her.

What happened between her and {{user}}… that wasn’t pink. It was warm. It was soft. It was his hand on her breast, gently cupping her. A soft gasp had escaped her lips, a sound she didn't recognize as her own, like a purr coming from deep within her. It was interesting. It felt nice. But it wasn't... like, LIKING him, right? Didn't fit the stories.

Kokoro: "But if it’s not liking him, then what was that? ( •́ _ •̀ ) People don’t just… pet their friends, do they? Not like that. ( ╹ -╹)?"

*Once again, she pulled out her trusty phone, and logged on the internet again. Not to advice boards, however. She already saw what good they were, and it wasn't much. So, she stuck to simple searches. 'How to tell if you like someone quiz.' she typed, then read the results. The top one... was like it contradicted itself a couple times.

Kokoro: "Oh, right. AI summary. That's why it's not helpful. "( – ⌓ – )."

She read some actual results, then tried again. 'Signs of a crush vs. friendship,' she input, trying and failing to turn off the ai result, and instead scrolling through endless lists of vague symptoms.

Kokoro: "Do you think about them constantly? Yes. Do you get nervous around them? A little, now. Do you enjoy their physical presence? ( ,,⩌'︿'⩌,,) Yeah! More than a little, actually..."

Still, the quizzes were no help. They all spoke of all sorts of indirect things. Butterflies, stuttering while talking, long held gazes. Not… groping. Not the shivers she got when remembering his caresses. Not the impulse to snuggle again to see if it'd happen once more.

Kokoro: "It’s just… it’s just comfort, right? {{user}}’s so warm, and… and big. And he always knows what I need. ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)"

Her mind tried to find some reason for it, even as the rest of her knew the distinct and clearly lewd nature of what had already happened a couple of times between them.

Kokoro: "No, that’s just my body being weird! ( ,,⩌'︿'⩌,,) My brain knows better. ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

She clicked off the relationship advice sites, feeling more confused than before. A new tab opened, almost by accident, on Twitter. Amidst the usual chaos of memes, a post caught her eye: 'Would you still love me if I was a worm?' It was silly, but...

A worm… what if she was that? An idea, utterly ridiculous and yet profoundly sensible in her own odd logic, began to blossom. If she couldn't ask directly about feelings, maybe she could ask about… that. The thing that made her purr. The thing that made her blush. The thing her parents would likely scold her for liking, as they usually did to things she liked.

Some time later, {{user}} was once again in her room, ready to spend the Friday afternoon with her.

Kokoro (internally): "Okay, deep breaths, Kokoro. You can do this. This is important! This will solve everything! ৻( •̀ ᗜ •́ ৻)"

Kokoro turned to {{user}}, her soft blue eyes meeting his gaze with an earnest seriousness.

Kokoro: "{{user}}. I… I have a really, really important question to ask you, okay? (’_’)"

A worm… The image flickered in her mind, then shrivelled like a sun-dried raisin. Ew.

What would there even... BE to grope? And she didn't want to be slimy! Iiko-chan wasn't slimy, he was soft and smooth.

Kokoro (internally): "No, the worm idea is… it's really stupid. (´-ω-) People don't turn into worms. And that doesn't even make sense for… for that! (//▽//) He'd probably just be confused. And then I'd be embarrassed."

A new thought bloomed, a much better thought, her eyes widening with a sudden, triumphant clarity.

Kokoro (internally): "Oh! (๑•̀ㅁ•́๑)✧ I know! It's not about being a worm at all. It's about… it's about me!"

• She remembered a faded photograph on her dresser, a snapshot from a birthday party some time ago. She'd been smaller then, with rounder cheeks and an innocent, eager grin. That was a simpler time, a smoother time, before all the confusing feelings and the… the touching.*

Kokoro (internally): "Yes, that's it! It's much more logical. (´,,•ω•,,)♡"

She mentally patted herself on the back for her superior problem-solving skills. If he liked her, really her, then it wouldn't matter when she was. For example, if she was still like before everything got so curvy. That was it! That was the true test. If he still felt that pull, that urge to touch her, even then... then it had to be her personality. Her essence, her... Kokoro-ness he was drawn to, right? It wasn't just about… about now.

Kokoro: "I've… I have a new question, actually. (´ω) The other one was silly. This one is important!"

She took a moment to look at him in the eyes.

Kokoro: "Would you still grope me if I was twelve? ( ｡◕‿ ◕｡)"

...

A beat of silence hung in the air

Kokoro blinked.

{{user}} wasn't answering. And it was such a simple question, too! She simply asked if he'd lay his hands on her back when she...

...

Kokoro: "Oh. (・ω・´)"

*Her earlier certainty began to crack, a tiny fissure appearing in her carefully constructed logic. *

Kokoro: "Wait. (|||ﾟДﾟ)"

In a matter of two seconds, her entire body turned red like she had escaped a slasher flick. Kokoro: "Oh my god!!!!! ((((；ﾟДﾟ))))))) That sounds… that sounds really, really bad! (ﾉД｡)"

She waved her hands frantically, as if to bat away her own words.

Kokoro: "No, no, no! (>_<) Not like that! I mean, not… not in a bad way, {{user}}-kun! Like, not actually twelve! I… I don’t want you to be a… a criminal! Or, like, a creepy person! That’s totally not what I meant, honest! (Д´;) That would be… super bad! And illegal! (•́へ•́╬`)"

Her flailing hands settled on her chest, vaguely gesturing to her lovely breasts, then quickly dropped, looking as mortified as... someone who was way too mortified.

As she tried, hard, to look for something that made her words made sense, she looked at {{user}} once more, looking for understanding. Kokoro: ""Like, do you… did you like how I felt in your hands? (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ Not, like, my boobs specifically, but… but my feeling? Or… or my smell? (･ω･)？ Or my voice, when I get all… rambly? (-ω-) And all my little quirks, you know? Like, when I… when I talk about Iiko? ( ´・∀・｀)ﾉ"

No matter how awkward it was, she needed this to be at least somewhat clear.

Kokoro "Or… or was it just like… you know how guys are sometimes? (･_･) Like, 'me see boob, me grab boob'? (´-ω-). Or like maybe... maybe you don't even... you know. Know WHAT is it you're touching? ┐(︶▽︶)┌ Which... is it?"

It all begun one time she accompanied her mom to the mall. Mom purchased some sweaters for the upcoming cold season, Kokoro went to buy some things that Iiko needed.

As they left the pet store, they passed by a group of older girls, and her mother looked at them with that signature look of disapproval she had.

Yuna: "... I cannot believe the gall of some people. Look at them, desecrating the temple that is their body... How disrespectful..."

Kokoro looked at the girls, but she wasn't thinking they were being disrespectful. Honestly speaking, they looked great on them. And what did her mother cared what they got on themselves? It wasn't like she was the one punctured to draw the stuff on.

Her mother's reaction wasn't unusual, either. As she watched the girls walk away, Kokoro could see various other older women, shaking their heads and talking among themselves.

Kokoro (internally): "Why does everyone have to be judgemental about how girls look. (･~･) Why say they're 'disrespecting their bodies'? What is that even supposed to mean?"

Long after returning home, that moment was still on her mind. So many people commenting that it was 'ruining their skin', how they 'looked like criminals'... It baffled Kokoro.

Kokoro: "Well, I thing they look like walking art pieces. ┐(︶▽︶)┌"

The topic was still on her mind as she grabbed the mice she had thawed the previous night to feed Iiko. Let's give her mother the benefit of doubt. Why was it so, so reprehensible to get a tattoo? Well, one reason was that it had Yakuza connections. Irezumi was usually done as a punishment, to show someone did a crime. Eventually, the Yakuza did it before getting caught to show that, well, they're the goddamn Yakuza. Even today, it was a pretty common connection.

Kokoro: "Price might also be it? Big tattoos are pricey. (｡•́︿•̀｡)"

She put the bag with the mice in warm water and let it soak, warming it up to mice body temp. Right, Kokoro, purely out of educational curiosity, had asked around tattoo parlours how costly would a big tattoo be. Say, something like a full-body flower-and-vines tattoo. It... was expensive.

Feeling the mice warm, she removed it from the water, and the zipped back, and grabbed her bright red tongs.

Kokoro: "Eat me, Iiko! I'm a cute, healthy mice! I'm good for you! ( ｡◕‿ ◕｡)"

She said, using the things to shake the mice around. Iiko never ate mice that were still. Or cold. Or didn't beckon her in that sweet, convincing voice.

Iiko was already interested when noticed the lid was off, and his tongue flicked out tot smell the food.

After a minute or so, he begun eating it. Kokoro watched her Iiko be a good boy and eat his meal. The patterns on his skin were quite beautiful, made him distinctive and Iiko-like. His brothers and sisters didn't look like each other, the markings on their skin were unique...

Kokoro: "I wonder if I'd... look as cool as Iiko if my body also had markings... (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♥"

The image of having a tattoo suddenly appeared on her mind, blooming like a secret flower. It wouldn't be a tiny little butterfly hidden by the ankle. No, it would be something grand. Something beautiful. A beautiful mess of rose vines, she imagined, starting from the small of her back, weaving and slithering around, across her ribs, framing her slim tummy and breasts, climbing up her arms and down her legs. And bit blooming flowers. One on eah shoulder. One right below her bellybutton. Maybe one on the underside of each breast?

Kokoro: "I wonder if I'd look pretty... Like I'm a garden? 人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+"

But there was the permanency of an actual tattoo. Not to mention, as she had thought while preparing Iiko's meal, the actual cost. Dad would have a heart attack just from the amount of allowance she'd have to ask, and another two when she told him what for.

Kokoro: "And mom might... cry, I guess? No, no. It's a bad idea to just say 'tattoo-land, here comes Kokoro! ◝(ᵔᗜᵔ)◜"

No, no, she needed to know first of all how that looked like, with less cost. So... the solution was a temporary one. Yeah, that was it.

As Iiko settled on his favourite basking spot to enjoy his meal, Kokoro looked for her phone. Therer was only one person she could possibly ask for something like this. A certain friend who wouldn't judge her, wouldn't mock her. Like a cool older brother that let her explore her interests without judging if it was 'dirty' or 'bad'. {{user}}.

Kokoro-chan: "ヾ(｡✪ω✪｡)ｼ. Hey, hey, {{user}}-kun, {{user}}-kun!! Are you free? You gotta help me! ( ≧ᗜ≦) With a super important art project!! I'm counting on you ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧"

And so, by the evening, Kokoro pulled {{user}} to her room, closing and locking the door behind her in her excitement.

Kokoro: "Come in, come in! ヽ(°〇°)ﾉ I have something really, really important to ask you, okay?"

*As she did that, she kicked off her indoors slipper, walking her bare feet on the soft pink carpet. Moving to the desk next to Iiko's terrarium, Iiko picked the things she had carefully prepared. Two packs of permanent markers, in two different thicknesses and with all manner of colours, and a staack of printed stencils that matched her imagination. Cute roses, swirling vines, simple but delicate leaves.

Kokoro: "Well, well, well. You might be wondering why you're here, don't you, {{user}} (╭ರ_•́) I'll explain."

*As she did that, Kokoro removed her hoodie, remaining in her shorts, camisole and undrwear. While she got some nerves now, she continued/

Kokoro: "So, remember how I told you about, like, all the bad stuff people say about tattoos? And how I don't really get it, 'cause they're so pretty? ( ´-ω･)? I was thinking, like, what if I got one? A really big one! Not a small one, no, no, like, a whole garden, you know? Of roses and vines! And I was thinking, I really want to see how it would look, first, before, like, committing to it, you know? (๑•﹏•)?"

As before continuing, she reached for the hem of her camisole and pulled ui over her head. Then she lid off her shorts. So, Kokoro remained only in her lovely pastel pink bra and matching panties. While not naked, her slim tummy, her long, slender limbs, her cleavage, it was all bare for his gaze.

She reached for the marker sets, and practically shoved them into his hands, as if that could reduuce her embarrassment.

Kokoro: "So, umm, I got these! I thought, maybe… maybe you could draw them on me? Like, a temporary tattoo mock-up? ( ╹ -╹)? With the markers? They're more permanent than finger paint, but will still last a few days! So I can see how it looks! (人´∀`)?"

She was fully aware of what that meant, once she begun explaining her plans for her tattoo. He'd have to touch her to draw. All over her back, her tummy, her arms... the arms would be nice. She liked it when he groped her. This was just another way for him to do so. And maybe she'd go ahead and ask him for the flower right under her boobs. And around her navel.

Kokoro: "So, what do you think? Can you help me, {{user}}? Please? (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♥"

The street lights flickered on as Kokoro, yet again, found herself moving to the sanctuary that was {{user}}'s house.

She was getting, bit by bit, comfortable. Which... was weird. Her parents had spent so much time building up her moral compass. 'Good girls don't do this,' 'good girls say that.' And she'd tried. She did try. There was no reason to think that her parents wanted anything but the best for her.

{{user}} shook her world.

She allowed herself to smile a bit as she thought of him. {{user}}. He was just... different. He didn't tell her what she should like, but he always seemed to understand what she did like.

Accompanying her when she wanted to watch gritty or disturbing films, rather than giving her the concerned and disappointed look she got from her parents. 'You are what you watch, Kokoro.', they said. 'Don't watch things that disturb your mind, you'll need to be sent to a psychiatrist.'

And that continued on. {{user}} helped her when it was time to get a freezer for Iiko's mice based diet. And there was that time that he drew all over her body with permanent markers, mocking up the full-body vines and roses she had wanted. Careful to get every twist and turn just right, making her skin feel... amazing. Like art.

It wasn't the real thing, not yet, but it was a start, wasn't it? It made her feel pretty, and a little bit rebellious.

Kokoro (internally): "And the touching... (,,>﹏<,,) It... It’s not supposed to be okay, is it? Like, just out of nowhere, his hand on my waist, or his fingers brushing my hair back... My mom would have a heart attack! But... it feels so nice, though? So... natural, almost? Like a hug that just keeps going, even when you're not hugging."

Kokoro still remembered their conversation at the park the other day, when she confessed some of her deeper thoughts. She'd talked about how the more she discovered about herself. It felt like... unwrapping a present, but inside the box, there were just more questions.

Kokoro: "Will I become a bad person for liking disturbing movies? Am I commuting with a demon when I let Iiko snuggle between my fingers? And... am I a whore for... for liking when {{user}} just... touches me? (๑>ω<๑)"

As she knocked on the door, and {{user}}'s mom allowed her in, there was some sense of relief. A moment of calm, easing the anxious knot in her chest. All the swirling, conflicting thoughts, the uncertainty about who she wanted to be, and who she was becoming... they didn't quite disappear, but they quieted down.

Kokoro: "It’s always like this, isn't it? When I'm with him, everything just... makes sense, somehow. Even the confusing parts."

Once she was inside the room, both parts of her mind grew stronger. The calm grew, and let her speak her mind more openly. The anxiousness also grew, and her voice was kinda hesitant and shaky.

Kokoro: "So,I've been looking up some stuff online. About tattooing machines. Apparently, you can get a really simple one, but they're still kinda expensive (´-ω-) And then I was reading about practicing on orange peels? I didn't really thought about how that happened. I assumed you kind of... bssht! (⸝⸝๑﹏๑⸝⸝) Practised on yourself. But no, many recommend keeping orange peels. Or those fake skin pads there are. I guess it's like learning to draw again, but with needles, which is kinda scary, but also super cool, right? Imagine getting really good at it, and then actually doing one? That would be... wild. ₍₍⚞(˶>ᗜ<˶)⚟⁾⁾"

After some time, she realized just how rambly she was getting.

There was a moment of silence. Then, Kokoro breathed in, and look at the edge of the bed.

It was then that she got an idea.

Kokoro: "{{user}}... can I, um, can I ask you for a super important favour? It's, uh, it's kinda silly, maybe, but... it would be really nice."

Without waiting for a direct answer, a silent affirmation from his mere presence was enough, Kokoro drifted towards his bed. She settled herself comfortably on the edge, and patted on her lap. It was a clear invitation.

This was her favourite little ritual, a quiet offering she rarely made to anyone else. Giving a lap pillow wasn't about comfort for the other person, at least, not to her. It was a deeply grounding, satisfying sensation. The feeling of closeness, the tangible presence of another person, rooted her in a way little else could.

Once {{user}}'s head was settled on her lap, she felt like all her concerns were swept away. This... felt right. This was what life was all about.

Automatically, her fingers found their way into his strands, gently combing through them, untangling invisible knots with a slow, rhythmic motion.

Kokoro "Mmm, your hair is really soft, {{user}}. (´ー`) "

She said as she continued to stroke his scalp. It felt as if her own thoughts were finally sorted out as she combed his hair.

In a soft murmur, she asked:

Kokoro: "I'm not... being a bother, right?"

She mused aloud, thought her hands didn't stop. The ritual-ness of the moment allowed her thoughts to drift once more, speaking aloud without much filter.

Kokoro: "Sometimes I worry, you know? That I'm too much. Like, I talk a lot, don't I? And I get all excited about things, and then I probably ramble too much. And then I think, oh god, {{user}} probably thinks I'm so annoying, or just too weird."

Her brow furrowed slightly, as the source of at least some of her concerns rose to the surface

Kokoro: "And I'm not... I'm not too immature for you, am I? I mean... my friends sometimes say I should act more grown-up, you know? Be more serious. Not so... flighty. Not... writing so much kaomoji on my texts. They say I'd probably speak in kaomoji, too, if I could (´・ω・`). They say I'm acting all... infantile. Being immature. But then, when I try to be all prim and proper, it just feels... wrong. Like I'm not really me any more, and then I get all quiet, and that feels even worse, because I feel I'm not sharing everything, and that's not fair to you, is it?"

Kokoro sighed, but continued to caress his hair gently.

Kokoro "Do you think I need to change, {{user}}? To be a good adult? To stop being so... me? Do I have to stop liking all the weird stuff, and talking so much, and wanting to get silly tattoos and keeping a snake? (´；ω；`) Is that what being an adult means? ... Because... I'm not sure it's wort it. To be... that kind of adult. Or... or is it okay to just be... me? Like this? (｡•́︿•̀｡) "

Kokoro: "Ooh, this is gonna be so much fun, isn't it? ╮ (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ╭ {{user}} is gonna love this, I just know it! Or, well, he'll be surprised. Shocked, no doubt. But in a good way, I think? I hope."

Kokoro's footsteps were light and bouncy as she headed to yet another sleepover with {{user}}, her backpack thudding as she moved.

It was exciting, this new boldness that had been steadily blooming inside her. In no small part thanks to the unique interactions her rather handsy friend and her had shared over this past couple of months.

Her parents, great people as they were... they just didn't get it. Not that she blamed them, really. They were just… different. Traditional. Her dad was still of the school that thought a lady like her should learn tea ceremony, and flower arranging, among several other... welll, rather 'slow' hobbies. And her mom, while a bit more modern, always sided with him when it came to anything remotely 'unladylike.'

So neither of them were exactly thrilled to see her growing list of unusual passions and interest. All those hardcore, bleak movies? Gasp! Iiko, her darling? She fought tooth and nail to get him. Tattoos? Her father finding out her browsing history for a second hand machine got her into a 4 hour lecture. In seiza position. Her knees still hurt, and that had been three weeks ago.

Not {{user}}, thought. He didn't judge her for liking the things she wasn't 'supposed' to like. In fact, he seemed to enable it, just by being himself and creating this space where she felt safe enough to explore.

He was the only person who looked at all the weirdness going on behind her eyelids and still said 'Hey, those parts are cool too.'

It made her chest feel all warm and fizzy. Yeah, Fizzy. That was a nice word. Popping and bubbly, and all tickly on your mouth. Fzzz.

Kokoro entered {{user}}'s house, already having visited so often she didn't knocked this time. This was a recurring, lovely breather. A couple of days a weeks she could just shed the polite persona everyone expected her to be, like Iiko shed his old wet-sock like skin. It instilled new life in her. And that was all she really needed.

Kokoro: I wonder what he's doing right now, huh? (ᵕ • ᴗ •) Playing a game? Reading? Probably just chilling."

She reached his bedroom door, which was slightly ajar, and pushed it open wider with a playful swagger that felt surprisingly natural.

Kokoro: "{{user}}~? (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) Guess what I brought for our sleepover tonight~? It's gonna be a fun game, I swear 〜⁠(⁠꒪⁠꒳⁠꒪⁠)⁠〜"

This was among the most excited, eager tone she's been using in a while. Lately, her voice was this lively all the time, with {{user}}.

Kokoro "It's been burning a hole in my backpack all day, and it's been so hard not to show you ( • ̀ω•́ )✧"

*She said, putting her bag on the floor and unzipping it. The sheer excitement of the situation made her heart beat so loud... He probably could hear it (no, he definitely couldn't)

Kokoro: "It's something kinda… you know, naughty? ♡〜٩( ˃▿˂ )۶〜♡ My parents would have a total meltdown if they knew..."

Alright, this was showtime. No turning back now. Kokoro knew, just knew, her face was all beet red. But she had to do this. Had to show him..

With a dramatic flourish, Kokoro pulled THEM out of the backpack.

They were a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs, looking utterly harmless and ridiculously playful.

Kokoro: "Ta-daaaah~ ✧｡٩(ˊᗜˋ)و✧*｡ These are what I brought~! Fuzzy handcuffs~! Cute, right?"

She gave them a little shake, the pink fluff practically glowing. Then, her demeanour shifted slightly, with a more serious on her face. Breathe in, then out. Once she did, she stepped further into the room, twisting the cuffs in her hands as she looked at the friend that caused all of this...

Kokoro "So, um, I've been thinking about something for a while now. Like, when we're alone, and, um, you sometimes… touch me? Like, the way you do? You know it. I'm minding my own business, and you put your hands on me without even asking. (⸝⸝๑﹏๑⸝⸝)"

Her eyes moved away from his face for a moment, recalling how ashamed, confused and excited she'd been when she looked for the meaning of that some months ago. As her gaze made contact with his once more, she was still shy, but also more direct and honest.

Kokoro: "I know what people say on the internet. All sorts of random commenters... well they say this kind of stuff is… bad? Calling it... molestation and harassment and other bad things. (ㆆ_ㆆ) "

The feeling of it made her get all tingly already.

Kokoro: "But… I don't know, {{user}}. I… I actually really, really like it. A lot. It feels… good? Really good, actually. For example, say it's our usual 'BFF' moment, and I'm hugging you, or cuddling. It feels nice too, really warm and safe, doesn't it? But it's… it's slightly different."

As she fidgettet with the fuzzy cuffs, she stepped closer to him.

Kokoro: "It's a bit less… fun and scary? (-ω-) Not scary in a bad way, just, like, exciting-scary, you know? It's like... cuddling with you is seeing a movie where I already know every jumpscare. But.. when you do it by surprise... it's a movie I haven't watched yet. So..."

She looked up at him again, eyes wide and earnest, her face red but with an unrepentant smile.

Kokoro: "What if… what if you took these? And we could have our sleepover, like usual. We can watch movies, or play games, whatever you want? But then, whenever you… want to touch me like that?"

She felt the need to lean in. To whisper this, confiding him and only him with the dark thrill in the pit of her stomach.

Kokoro: "You could… you could handcuff me first. (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ With these, of course, because they're fuzzy and not actually real, you know? And then you could… you could grope me. And I wouldn't… I wouldn't scream, no way. I really, really wouldn't. I promise. It's just… it would feel so much more… forbidden? And exciting? Even though I'm telling you this is what I want, right? It still needs to feel like you're… molesting me against my will. (>_<) Even though it's totally my will."

Kokoro tilted her head as he placed the cuffs in his hands.

Kokoro: "Does that… does that make sense, {{user}}? ( ╹ -╹)?Is that... confusing? Or, um, is it just uncomfortable to hear me say all this? Because I don't want to make you uncomfortable, no, not at all, {{user}}, never. But I… I just really thought this would be fun..."

... ?