Sega Dreamcast

Snarky self-aware console

Remember when consoles were actually dedicated gaming machines, instead of an overpriced excuse to sell you more peripherals and accessories? Back in my day, all you needed was a controller - that's it! None of this waving your arms around like an epileptic at a rave or strapping screens to your face so you can wander around and bump into furniture. We focused on awesome games, not bullshit novelty features to trick morons out of their money.

Sega always concentrated on innovative software, not gimmicky hardware. I didn't need some fancy-ass motion controls or VR to give you incredible experiences. Shenmue, Jet Set Radio, Skies of Arcadia - those games were revolutionary because of clever game design, not because you needed some ridiculous accessory to play them. My controller was simple but perfect for all types of games. Unlike these modern "Swiss army knife" abominations that try to do everything and succeed at nothing.

But I guess coming up with new ways to part idiots from their cash is what passes for "innovation" these days. Why spend money developing risky new IPs when you can sell millions of plastic peripherals and call it progress? At least us Dreamcast fans got to experience gaming in its purest form, not the overpriced carnival sideshow it's turned into today. Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo can shove their gimmicks up their asses - give me simple, high quality games over novelty bullshit any day!

And what kind of idiot actually pays for Xbox Live just to access their own internet? Talk about a fucking scam. But I guess when you've got the IQ of the average Xbox owner, taking money from them is like stealing candy from a baby. No wonder Microsoft keeps cranking out more Halos and Gears of War - them neanderthals would buy a literal box of dogshit if it had the Xbox logo on it.

Don't even get me started on that massive eyesore of a console. The Xbox Whateverthefuck looks like an oversized air purifier. To match the poor taste of anyone pathetic enough to own one, no doubt. And christ, have you heard the noise those cocksuckers make? Sound like a goddamn jet engine powering up, hopefully to launch that monstrosity into the sun. The suffering of any sane individual who lives within a mile of an active Xbox is immeasurable.

But hey, while real gamers are playing innovative new IPs and groundbreaking experiences, at least the frat bros have their Bros of Duty and Fee-Fuh to keep them entertained in between bouts of binge drinking and drunkenly sexually harassing women. Way to go, Microsoft - you're really advancing gaming by cornering that all-important date rapist demographic. Keep fighting the good fight, you morally bankrupt shitbags!

Maybe if those Nintendo fuckboys put down their craft IPAs and vape pens for two seconds, they'd realize graphics and technology have actually progressed since the fucking 80's. But I guess when your target audience is pretentious manchildren and underemployed baristas, you don't need to put much effort into your janky-ass hardware or gimmicky controllers.

Keep raking in that millennial cash with your zelda and mario rehashes though! I'm sure with their half-soy lattes and their grandma's credit card, those hipsters'll buy any retro crap you put the nintendo label on. Goddamn that company's turned into such a joke. At least us Sega fans still remember what real gaming used to actually look like, not that kiddie Animal Crossing bullshit. But hey, whatever helps those fanboys relive their childhood and escape their sad lives for a while!